Arghhh - stupid comments

[A&G&K]

Is anyone experiencing an epidemic in stupid comments from well-meaning (but
stupid) people lately?

I met a woman at playgroup yesterday (who's DS is about the same age as my
DD) who was absolutely flabbergasted when she found out that not only am I
"still" breastfeeding DD (almost 14 mo), but that DD is bf about 5 times a
day.
Another one asked me "what's wrong wiv 'er?"
....and another chimed in with how you "should" wean children at 12mo (and
she is a RN!)

It just seemed really weird to all happen on the one day, since they've all
seen me and two of my friends bf our daughters there every week (and DD is
the youngest of the three girls)!

So I just pointed out all the health benefits of extended bf ... but I fear
it fell on deaf ears.

What are they going to say when they find out that I'm not only "still" bf
DD, but that I'm pg *and* "still" bf DD ;P

(Note to self: prepare long speech extolling the virtues of extended bf, AP
and tandem nursing :)

Amanda

[AlenasMom]

"A&G&K" > wrote in message
...
> Is anyone experiencing an epidemic in stupid comments from well-meaning
(but
> stupid) people lately?
>
> I met a woman at playgroup yesterday (who's DS is about the same age as
my
> DD) who was absolutely flabbergasted when she found out that not only am
I
> "still" breastfeeding DD (almost 14 mo), but that DD is bf about 5 times
a
> day.
> Another one asked me "what's wrong wiv 'er?"
> ...and another chimed in with how you "should" wean children at 12mo (and
> she is a RN!)
>
> It just seemed really weird to all happen on the one day, since they've
all
> seen me and two of my friends bf our daughters there every week (and DD
is
> the youngest of the three girls)!
>
> So I just pointed out all the health benefits of extended bf ... but I
fear
> it fell on deaf ears.
>
> What are they going to say when they find out that I'm not only "still"
bf
> DD, but that I'm pg *and* "still" bf DD ;P
>
> (Note to self: prepare long speech extolling the virtues of extended bf,
AP
> and tandem nursing :)
>
> Amanda
>

I thought it was just me!
I kept getting asked about my sling, breastfeeding, attachment parenting
and cloth diapering in the airport on Tuesday last week. Then came the
advice!
You should stop feeding at 6 months or they'll bite you. You shouldn't hold
them too much. You shouldn't use cloth diapers because it hurts their
bums... it was all stupid.
I'm right there with you. :D

[Dawn Lawson]

AlenasMom wrote:

> "A&G&K" > wrote in message
> ...
>
>>Is anyone experiencing an epidemic in stupid comments from well-meaning
>
> (but
>
>>stupid) people lately?
>>
>>I met a woman at playgroup yesterday (who's DS is about the same age as
>
> my
>
>>DD) who was absolutely flabbergasted when she found out that not only am
>
> I
>
>>"still" breastfeeding DD (almost 14 mo), but that DD is bf about 5 times
>
> a
>
>>day.
>>Another one asked me "what's wrong wiv 'er?"
>>...and another chimed in with how you "should" wean children at 12mo (and
>>she is a RN!)
>>
>>It just seemed really weird to all happen on the one day, since they've
>
> all
>
>>seen me and two of my friends bf our daughters there every week (and DD
>
> is
>
>>the youngest of the three girls)!
>>
>>So I just pointed out all the health benefits of extended bf ... but I
>
> fear
>
>>it fell on deaf ears.
>>
>>What are they going to say when they find out that I'm not only "still"
>
> bf
>
>>DD, but that I'm pg *and* "still" bf DD ;P
>>
>>(Note to self: prepare long speech extolling the virtues of extended bf,
>
> AP
>
>>and tandem nursing :)
>>
>>Amanda
>>
>
>
> I thought it was just me!
> I kept getting asked about my sling, breastfeeding, attachment parenting
> and cloth diapering in the airport on Tuesday last week. Then came the
> advice!
> You should stop feeding at 6 months or they'll bite you. You shouldn't hold
> them too much. You shouldn't use cloth diapers because it hurts their
> bums... it was all stupid.
> I'm right there with you. :D
>

How long do you bite back the urge to say "oh, I don't know. I'm not
impressed with the examples I've seen of kids raised that way. I'm sure
you agree. I think I'll stick with this. *smile*" and "Oh, really? I
suppose if one hasn't got the knowledge or resourcefulness to deal with
that situaion, one could end up feeling that way. We're doing so well
though. We'll just carry on with what we feel/know is best, but thanks
for offering your experience/opinon"

OR just smiling, humming a brief "um hmmmm" and turning away, only
rolling your eyes slightly. ;-)

I get most fed up when the person making the suggestions has a child who
is obviously not thriving with the parenting choices being made for
them. ("hello..? You HAVE noticed that your kid is not exactly a
poster child for your "fantastic" parenting ability/choices, right??")

Dawn, managing to grit my teeth and say nothing to a friend that insists
on making very judgemental comments wrt my childproofing and toy
choices(insinuating that DS is a bit slow and not very "spirited" if he
doesn't impale/choke/crush himself) and insisting on "putting things
away" when she's visiting (erm..they ARE away. That's where they
belong. Supervise your kid.) This from the woman who has yet to put up
baby gates on her yard that opens directly onto a busy street...because
the gates are $50 and/or her husband hasn't made it a priority (??? so
hustle your butt out there and get them yourself!! If a haircut costing
$65 isn't too much, surely a safe place for your kid is worth spending
$50??????)

[DeliciousTruffles]

Sue wrote:

> Please enlighten us to your suggestions that a partiuclar child is not
> thriving with the parenting choices. I would like specific examples of what
> in your opinion is not a poster child to their choices.

I'm not answering for Dawn but I have a friend like that and it drives
me nuts.

My example would be this:

She continually criticizes how messy my twins are when they eat (they
are 23 months old). Her girls are 8 and 9. They are PETRIFIED of
getting anything on their clothes. This is not an exaggeration. My
anecdote:

I was babysitting them one evening. To save me the "hassle" (her word,
not mine), she bathed them and put them in their nightgowns before
dinner. Dinner was spaghetti. The three of us were eating when the
younger girl started screaming (yes, screaming) and crying. I thought
she must have jabbed her mouth with the fork or something. It turned
out there was a spot of spaghetti sauce on her nightgown the size of
half an eraserhead (the kind at the end of a standard pencil). Then,
the older girl burst into tears because she knew her younger sister
would be yelled at.

I discourage *excess* messiness at the dinner table but if they get
spaghetti sauce on their clothes, big whoop. It's nothing to yell at
your kids for. That's what bibs and stain remover are for.

So there you have it. My example of a parenting choice where a child is
not thriving.

--
Brigitte aa #2145
edd #3 February 15, 2004
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare."
~ Harriet Martineau

[Dawn Lawson]

Sue wrote:

>>Dawn Lawson > wrote in message

>
>>Dawn, managing to grit my teeth and say nothing to a friend that insists
>>on making very judgemental comments wrt my childproofing and toy
>>choices(insinuating that DS is a bit slow and not very "spirited" if he
>>doesn't impale/choke/crush himself) and insisting on "putting things
>>away" when she's visiting (erm..they ARE away. That's where they
>>belong. Supervise your kid.)
>
>
> Well what is it that your not putting away?

What difference does that make? We're not talking about bleach and
glass. The POINT is that the stuff IS put away.

You say supervise the child. I
> agree with that to an extent.

If you are visiting somewhere, do you TRULY expect the host to
childproof for YOUR child?????

However, with multiple children (since you
> have no experience in this area)

Who cares? This mom doesn't either. In this case, and because she's
visiting me, that's irrelevant

Dawn, bemused at your hostility.

[DeliciousTruffles]

Sue wrote:

> Geez, some moms. Yeep. I really wanted examples and thank you for providing
> one. I am pretty balanced as far as messes go. Thank goodness.

This "friend" (I'm distancing myself from her now) is always getting
comments about how well behaved her children are. I've heard the
comments myself. And, they are, but at what price?

--
Brigitte aa #2145
edd #3 February 15, 2004
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/joshuaandkaterina/

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare."
~ Harriet Martineau

[Dawn Lawson]

Sue wrote:
> Dawn,
>
> I really wanted examples. Because god forbid my children are like this.
> Sometimes parents can't see the facts in front of their faces. If you don't
> have any examples, then say so. But, don't put the blame on me.

Wow.
You really are hostile today.
What would I be blaming you for????
I snipped the part about examples, if you noticed, and wasnt' even
*commenting* on that.

Are you concerned that your children might be acting in a way that
doesn't reflect well on you as a parent?

Brigitte gave an example of the kind of thing I mean. Though I also
refer to the horribly behaved children as well. Surely good parenting
means raising children to be strong individuals with sound self-esteem
and as few hangups and possible, but doesn't rule out good manners?

My example? Being told similar things by a parent of a child who ran
ahead of us to the barn about 10 minutes later and beat one of my pet
hens (to its later death) with a stick. No reason. No negative
consequences from the parent. No apology from parent or child. I don't
think that kid was thriving on the parenting he was getting. And I
can't see that as a way to raise a caring decent person.

I didn't specifically mention anything other than saying that it's
annoying when people see fit to criticise holding, nursing and attending
to one's child, especially when it seems they don't have children who
reflect well on the alternatives. I suppose it could be that they feel
they didn't make good choices and now don't want to see others making
better choices, or that they sincerely don't realise that there are
other options than early weaning, CIO, etc.

Dawn, puzzled by Sue's reaction.

[Sue]

> Dawn Lawson > wrote in message
> I get most fed up when the person making the suggestions has a child who
> is obviously not thriving with the parenting choices being made for
> them. ("hello..? You HAVE noticed that your kid is not exactly a
> poster child for your "fantastic" parenting ability/choices, right??")

Please enlighten us to your suggestions that a partiuclar child is not
thriving with the parenting choices. I would like specific examples of what
in your opinion is not a poster child to their choices.

> Dawn, managing to grit my teeth and say nothing to a friend that insists
> on making very judgemental comments wrt my childproofing and toy
> choices(insinuating that DS is a bit slow and not very "spirited" if he
> doesn't impale/choke/crush himself) and insisting on "putting things
> away" when she's visiting (erm..they ARE away. That's where they
> belong. Supervise your kid.)

Well what is it that your not putting away? You say supervise the child. I
agree with that to an extent. However, with multiple children (since you
have no experience in this area) you always can't be everywhere and it was
easier to put away my crystals or other precious things to me instead of
having to take said child away every time. I am curious.

--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

[Sue]

Dawn,

I really wanted examples. Because god forbid my children are like this.
Sometimes parents can't see the facts in front of their faces. If you don't
have any examples, then say so. But, don't put the blame on me.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

Dawn Lawson > wrote in message
news:sLCgb.39620$6C4.4749@pd7tw1no...
>
>
> Sue wrote:
>
> >>Dawn Lawson > wrote in message
>
> >
> >>Dawn, managing to grit my teeth and say nothing to a friend that insists
> >>on making very judgemental comments wrt my childproofing and toy
> >>choices(insinuating that DS is a bit slow and not very "spirited" if he
> >>doesn't impale/choke/crush himself) and insisting on "putting things
> >>away" when she's visiting (erm..they ARE away. That's where they
> >>belong. Supervise your kid.)
> >
> >
> > Well what is it that your not putting away?
>
> What difference does that make? We're not talking about bleach and
> glass. The POINT is that the stuff IS put away.
>
> You say supervise the child. I
> > agree with that to an extent.
>
> If you are visiting somewhere, do you TRULY expect the host to
> childproof for YOUR child?????
>
> However, with multiple children (since you
> > have no experience in this area)
>
> Who cares? This mom doesn't either. In this case, and because she's
> visiting me, that's irrelevant
>
> Dawn, bemused at your hostility.
>

[Sue]

DeliciousTruffles > wrote in
> She continually criticizes how messy my twins are when they eat (they
> are 23 months old). Her girls are 8 and 9. They are PETRIFIED of
> getting anything on their clothes. This is not an exaggeration. My
> anecdote:
>
> I was babysitting them one evening. To save me the "hassle" (her word,
> not mine), she bathed them and put them in their nightgowns before
> dinner. Dinner was spaghetti. The three of us were eating when the
> younger girl started screaming (yes, screaming) and crying. I thought
> she must have jabbed her mouth with the fork or something. It turned
> out there was a spot of spaghetti sauce on her nightgown the size of
> half an eraserhead (the kind at the end of a standard pencil). Then,
> the older girl burst into tears because she knew her younger sister
> would be yelled at.
>
> I discourage *excess* messiness at the dinner table but if they get
> spaghetti sauce on their clothes, big whoop. It's nothing to yell at
> your kids for. That's what bibs and stain remover are for.
>
> So there you have it. My example of a parenting choice where a child is
> not thriving.

Geez, some moms. Yeep. I really wanted examples and thank you for providing
one. I am pretty balanced as far as messes go. Thank goodness.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

[Dawn Lawson]

Sue wrote:
> Dawn Lawson > wrote in message
I have two very well behaved children and one child with issues.
> And I wonder if/what I have done different with this last child to cause her
> to have issues that she is having.

Curious what sort of issues, if you want to share.

Yes, I feel like it reflects on me,
> because that's what moms do ;o) So when these types of threads come up that
> says I (general I) am more superior than the other mom, I wonder what these
> moms are doing.

I'm not sure it's always that the *I* feels superior...I don't feel
superior in my childproofing, but I DO find it offensive to have people
come over and feel justified in blaming my childproofing (for MY child,
of course, not theirs) and not their poor supervision and ineffective
"discipline" (said in quotes as the children in quesiton are very young)

Ironically enough, my last child I speak
> of is the one that I followed most of the AP rules

Rules? I wasn't aware that there were rules. ;-) I didn't even realise
that being attentive to your child, nursing for a year, and baby-wearing
were AP. I just wanted my tiny baby near me, couldn't see using
formula, etc.

and she is the one I have
> issues with. I don't mean to be hostile, crabby yes, but I just wanted
> examples to see if *I* fall into any of the categories of a bad mom.

I don't know that our few examples can/should clear or condemn you.
Maybe though if you really feel this way a family councillor might be
able to help sort thru the obvious guilt/concern with you?

>
>
>>My example? Being told similar things by a parent of a child who ran
>>ahead of us to the barn about 10 minutes later and beat one of my pet
>>hens (to its later death) with a stick. No reason. No negative
>>consequences from the parent. No apology from parent or child. I don't
>>think that kid was thriving on the parenting he was getting. And I
>>can't see that as a way to raise a caring decent person.
>
>
> Hmm, that's horrible. But, unfortunately my third child has harmed some
> animals. However, it is always followed by some form of disipline from me.
> So at least I am not letting it go. Although I am beginning to see that it
> might be immaturity on my daughter's part of how to treat animals because
> she is getting a lot better at treating them with respect.

And personally, if it were my kid harming animals, I'd be alarmed. Not
to say that it's the case with your DD, but the stats on people who are
violent later seem to show they were violent/harmful to animals as kids.
I don't know that it works the other way (that kids who harm animals
are violent, or just that violent adults tended to harm animals...if
that makes sense??) But *you* know your DD and you know the
circumstances and situations.
>
>
>>I didn't specifically mention anything other than saying that it's
>>annoying when people see fit to criticise holding, nursing and attending
>>to one's child, especially when it seems they don't have children who
>>reflect well on the alternatives.
>
>
> Those things I have never understood why it is someone's business on how a
> child is fed or cared for. I'm with you on those.

Which are what the OP mentioned.
>
> I suppose it could be that they feel
>
>>they didn't make good choices and now don't want to see others making
>>better choices, or that they sincerely don't realise that there are
>>other options than early weaning, CIO, etc.
>
>
> Probably. Parent's don't like their choices to be critized no matter what
> they are doing. Just as the OP didn't like stupid comments on her friends
> telling her that she needs to wean. I have never in my life been told how to
> care for any of my kids, so I am must be immuned to the stupid comments.
> Except for now, all of a sudden, people around me who don't have kids are
> critizing me for the way my third child is and for the life of me, I don't
> know what I am doing wrong. Maybe I am defensive. Sorry for the hostility. I
> guess this post hit a nerve with me today.

S'ok. I'd say that I've learned a lot about myself from the threads
that make me defensive. P'raps it's not black and white, that you're
doing wrong, or that your kid is how she is, but maybe some help would
guide you to better answers?? :-)

((Sue))

Dawn

[Sue]

Dawn Lawson > wrote in message
> Wow.
> You really are hostile today.
> What would I be blaming you for????
> I snipped the part about examples, if you noticed, and wasnt' even
> *commenting* on that.
>
> Are you concerned that your children might be acting in a way that
> doesn't reflect well on you as a parent?

Sorry. I get a little crazed and worried that perhaps *I* didn't make good
choices. I have two very well behaved children and one child with issues.
And I wonder if/what I have done different with this last child to cause her
to have issues that she is having. Yes, I feel like it reflects on me,
because that's what moms do ;o) So when these types of threads come up that
says I (general I) am more superior than the other mom, I wonder what these
moms are doing. Thank goodness it seems that I don't fall into the category
like Bridgette gave an example of. Ironically enough, my last child I speak
of is the one that I followed most of the AP rules and she is the one I have
issues with. I don't mean to be hostile, crabby yes, but I just wanted
examples to see if *I* fall into any of the categories of a bad mom.

> My example? Being told similar things by a parent of a child who ran
> ahead of us to the barn about 10 minutes later and beat one of my pet
> hens (to its later death) with a stick. No reason. No negative
> consequences from the parent. No apology from parent or child. I don't
> think that kid was thriving on the parenting he was getting. And I
> can't see that as a way to raise a caring decent person.

Hmm, that's horrible. But, unfortunately my third child has harmed some
animals. However, it is always followed by some form of disipline from me.
So at least I am not letting it go. Although I am beginning to see that it
might be immaturity on my daughter's part of how to treat animals because
she is getting a lot better at treating them with respect.

> I didn't specifically mention anything other than saying that it's
> annoying when people see fit to criticise holding, nursing and attending
> to one's child, especially when it seems they don't have children who
> reflect well on the alternatives.

Those things I have never understood why it is someone's business on how a
child is fed or cared for. I'm with you on those.

I suppose it could be that they feel
> they didn't make good choices and now don't want to see others making
> better choices, or that they sincerely don't realise that there are
> other options than early weaning, CIO, etc.

Probably. Parent's don't like their choices to be critized no matter what
they are doing. Just as the OP didn't like stupid comments on her friends
telling her that she needs to wean. I have never in my life been told how to
care for any of my kids, so I am must be immuned to the stupid comments.
Except for now, all of a sudden, people around me who don't have kids are
critizing me for the way my third child is and for the life of me, I don't
know what I am doing wrong. Maybe I am defensive. Sorry for the hostility. I
guess this post hit a nerve with me today.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

[elizabeth emerald]

"A&G&K" > wrote in message
...
> Is anyone experiencing an epidemic in stupid comments from well-meaning
(but
> stupid) people lately?
>
> I met a woman at playgroup yesterday (who's DS is about the same age as my
> DD) who was absolutely flabbergasted when she found out that not only am I
> "still" breastfeeding DD (almost 14 mo), but that DD is bf about 5 times a
> day.
> Another one asked me "what's wrong wiv 'er?"
> ...and another chimed in with how you "should" wean children at 12mo (and
> she is a RN!)
>
> It just seemed really weird to all happen on the one day, since they've
all
> seen me and two of my friends bf our daughters there every week (and DD is
> the youngest of the three girls)!
>
> So I just pointed out all the health benefits of extended bf ... but I
fear
> it fell on deaf ears.
>
> What are they going to say when they find out that I'm not only "still" bf
> DD, but that I'm pg *and* "still" bf DD ;P
>
> (Note to self: prepare long speech extolling the virtues of extended bf,
AP
> and tandem nursing :)
>

there are definitely days when everyone seems to be giving me negative
comments. depends how i'm feeling as to my reaction. i'm very opinionated &
not afraid to say it, so alot of the time, i don't just say the "oh,
really". watch out people!

i'm also very sad that at mother's group i am the only one breastfeeding at
12/13 months out of 8. they are starting to look at me strangely when i whip
it out like i should stop as well. no thanks! DS certainly doesn't want to
stop yet & neither do i.
--
elizabeth (in australia)
DS - born 20-aug-02

[Cathy]

A&G&K > wrote in message
...
> Is anyone experiencing an epidemic in stupid comments from well-meaning
(but
> stupid) people lately?
> What are they going to say when they find out that I'm not only "still" bf
> DD, but that I'm pg *and* "still" bf DD ;P

The mood I am in at the moment, I would tell them that who cares, as long as
I am content with what I am doing! Good on you I say - those people will
soon stop commenting. I got all sorts of comments early on, like 'Oh well,
you'll stop when she's got teeth'. And now the only comments I get are
along the lines of 'You're a good cow aren't you!' (meant in a nice way).

Cathy

[Marvin L. Zinn]

Amanda, Dawn, and AlenasMom:

Repeat after me: "I am not responsible for the
stupid opinions of the parents of unfortunate children,
no matter how much I feel sorry for them!"

The total amount of intelligence in the world is
a constant, but the population is growing. Be thankful
you have managed to keep your share!

Marvin

Marvin L. Zinn
Using Virtual Access
Windows 2000 build 2600

[teapot]

"A&G&K" > wrote in message >...
> Is anyone experiencing an epidemic in stupid comments from well-meaning (but
> stupid) people lately?
>
>snip

the latest one, and it got me really angry, was a pregnant woman who
told me that her mum disaproved of breastfeeding, and said that
mothers milk didnt have enough nutrients. She said she was going to
have to fight and argue with her mum to breastfeed and didnt look like
she was up to the battle.

Apart from all the obvious and proven benefits and given that this is
a single mum, on a very low income that has got to be the stupidest
bit of advice I have ever heard. I was so angry I wanted to find out
where her mum lived and give her a good talking to, if not a thump.

If I ever do meet her I know I will not be able to hold my tounge.

Grr

teapot