vent: Friend not going to "bother"

[Herself]

My friend, let's call her Linda, is 7 months preggers. She didn't
really bf her first (now 3), and has just told me that she's not going
to "bother" cause it's too much trouble and she can just chuck the
bottles in the dishwasher anyway. And her hubby can therefore feed
baby. She's not going to even try...not once. She is getting a section
(her doc told her to tell him when she's getting antsy, and he'll
schedule it...before the due date).

One thing she did say...her brother, Paul, has food allergies. He is
the only one that her mom bf. All the others were ff, and "they're all
fine". I took that as a slap in the face...yes, P has food allergies.
Yes, it can be tough. But he's damn healthier than her son. I almost
want to cry now, because I really have had issues with bf'ing and food
allergies and wondering if I did anything to "cause" P's problems, if
you know what I mean. But that just...hurt. Deeply.

She's someone that I really like, get along with, and enjoy being
around. But that one comment...well. Ouch. Maybe that was her way of
making me stop talking about it. <sniffle> I feel like I'm going to
start crying now. Really. I would *never* say to her that her son's
problems are because she overindulges him, spoils him, or anything like
that. I've tried to help, looking things up on the Net for her. That's
the way I do things.

Now I feel like I don't want to "bother" with her.

Thanks for listening, if you're still there :-).
--
'Tis Herself

[mike and dena]

I have a friend who is the same. Scheduled section 2 weeks prior to due date
because doc said baby was big- she weighed 7lbs2oz-guess he was a little
off! This was her third, first was 8lbs3oz, second was 10lbs13oz. I
couldn't understand why in the world they scheduled the section, but
couldn't talk her out of it either. She also said she wasn't bfing because
it was "too much of a pain" to not let dad get the mid-night feedings, etc.
She didn't bf first at all, tried with second for a WEEK, and wasn't to be
bothered with this one. I feel weird when we visit because I am bfing my 3
month old. Not weird like I am doing something wrong, but I almost feel like
I am showing her that I am doing better for my baby than she is for hers. So
I just avoid visiting around feeding time! Good luck with your friend, and
try not to bother taking her comments personally!
Dena, mommy to
Melissa 6.9.94,
^Matthew^4.23thru4.27.99,
Hailey 6.11.01, and
Zachary 8.20.03

[Rosie]

Oh no that's such a cheap thing to say! Poor you. : ( It's such an easy
shot to go for the guilt-points with a mother - we are always ready to beat
ourselves up. She was probably doing it because she really knows you are
right that bf is best and her decision is not in the baby's interest - she
probably just wanted to hurt because you were pricking her conscience.

Don't take it to heart - you did the BEST thing for your baby - think about
how sickly he could well have been if you HADN'T bfed! You've given him the
BEST start in life and we all know it. :)

Love
ROSIE

"Herself" > wrote in message
...
> My friend, let's call her Linda, is 7 months preggers. She didn't
> really bf her first (now 3), and has just told me that she's not going
> to "bother" cause it's too much trouble and she can just chuck the
> bottles in the dishwasher anyway. And her hubby can therefore feed
> baby. She's not going to even try...not once. She is getting a section
> (her doc told her to tell him when she's getting antsy, and he'll
> schedule it...before the due date).
>
> One thing she did say...her brother, Paul, has food allergies. He is
> the only one that her mom bf. All the others were ff, and "they're all
> fine". I took that as a slap in the face...yes, P has food allergies.
> Yes, it can be tough. But he's damn healthier than her son. I almost
> want to cry now, because I really have had issues with bf'ing and food
> allergies and wondering if I did anything to "cause" P's problems, if
> you know what I mean. But that just...hurt. Deeply.
>
> She's someone that I really like, get along with, and enjoy being
> around. But that one comment...well. Ouch. Maybe that was her way of
> making me stop talking about it. <sniffle> I feel like I'm going to
> start crying now. Really. I would *never* say to her that her son's
> problems are because she overindulges him, spoils him, or anything like
> that. I've tried to help, looking things up on the Net for her. That's
> the way I do things.
>
> Now I feel like I don't want to "bother" with her.
>
> Thanks for listening, if you're still there :-).
> --
> 'Tis Herself

[Larry McMahan]

Herself > writes:
: She is getting a section
: (her doc told her to tell him when she's getting antsy, and he'll
: schedule it...before the due date).

Speaking of C/sections... I saw an AP wire story over the holidays
that reported an article in the Lancet which said that women who had
C/sections with their first were much more likely to have miscarriages
or other problems which made a subsequent pregnancy nonviable.
It was a Scottish study.

Larry

[Herself]

Rosie > wrote:

> Don't take it to heart - you did the BEST thing for your baby - think about
> how sickly he could well have been if you HADN'T bfed! You've given him the
> BEST start in life and we all know it. :)

Thanks, I needed that. You know how there's that teeny tiny little bit
of you that wonders? Of course, one I cleared my head, I realized that
there's a good chance that P would either be allergic to twenty other
foods, or he'd be ana to some (so far so good, knock wood). So I'm
good, now.

She's not listening to advice about anything, and we're all giving her
the same advice!! She won't start with a minder (for the 3 year old)
until 2 weeks before her due date. This is an incredibly clingy (and
kinda spoiled) kid, who does anything for attention...and gets it. I'll
be there for her for a few weeks, then we're outta here for a couple
months. I'll be as helpful as I can, but...pphhhffftttt...
--
'Tis Herself

[Herself]

mike and dena > wrote:

> I have a friend who is the same. Scheduled section 2 weeks prior to due date
> because doc said baby was big- she weighed 7lbs2oz-guess he was a little
> off! This was her third, first was 8lbs3oz, second was 10lbs13oz. I
> couldn't understand why in the world they scheduled the section, but
> couldn't talk her out of it either. She also said she wasn't bfing because
> it was "too much of a pain" to not let dad get the mid-night feedings, etc.
> She didn't bf first at all, tried with second for a WEEK, and wasn't to be
> bothered with this one. I feel weird when we visit because I am bfing my 3
> month old. Not weird like I am doing something wrong, but I almost feel like
> I am showing her that I am doing better for my baby than she is for hers. So
> I just avoid visiting around feeding time! Good luck with your friend, and
> try not to bother taking her comments personally!

Thanks, I'm trying. It's getting better, looking back on it, she
probably thought I'd attack her. But you know, nursing a 2 year old is
crazy here...esp since he and I are on special diets cause of it. I
mean, wouldn't you *always* do what's best for your child? Darn
tooting. :-)
--
'Tis Herself

[Nina]

"Rosie" > wrote in message
...
> Oh no that's such a cheap thing to say! Poor you. : ( It's such an easy
> shot to go for the guilt-points with a mother - we are always ready to
beat
> ourselves up. She was probably doing it because she really knows you are
> right that bf is best and her decision is not in the baby's interest - she
> probably just wanted to hurt because you were pricking her conscience.
>
> Don't take it to heart - you did the BEST thing for your baby - think
about
> how sickly he could well have been if you HADN'T bfed! You've given him
the
> BEST start in life and we all know it. :)
>
> Love
> ROSIE
>
> "Herself" > wrote in message
> ...
> > My friend, let's call her Linda, is 7 months preggers. She didn't
> > really bf her first (now 3), and has just told me that she's not going
> > to "bother" cause it's too much trouble and she can just chuck the
> > bottles in the dishwasher anyway. And her hubby can therefore feed
> > baby. She's not going to even try...not once. She is getting a section
> > (her doc told her to tell him when she's getting antsy, and he'll
> > schedule it...before the due date).
> >
> > One thing she did say...her brother, Paul, has food allergies. He is
> > the only one that her mom bf. All the others were ff, and "they're all
> > fine". I took that as a slap in the face...yes, P has food allergies.
> > Yes, it can be tough. But he's damn healthier than her son. I almost
> > want to cry now, because I really have had issues with bf'ing and food
> > allergies and wondering if I did anything to "cause" P's problems, if
> > you know what I mean. But that just...hurt. Deeply.
> >
> > She's someone that I really like, get along with, and enjoy being
> > around. But that one comment...well. Ouch. Maybe that was her way of
> > making me stop talking about it. <sniffle> I feel like I'm going to
> > start crying now. Really. I would *never* say to her that her son's
> > problems are because she overindulges him, spoils him, or anything like
> > that. I've tried to help, looking things up on the Net for her. That's
> > the way I do things.
>

Sorry that u were hurt. BUT, (and I know I always take the diplomatic
approach in these things) maybe it wasnt intended as a slap in your face.
Maybe she, for whatever reason, genuinely believes formula to be as good as
or better than breastfeeding based on HER experience and was simply stating
HER reasons without intending it as a dig at you,
My firstborn is autistic, and sometimes when other people complain about
horrible intolerable things their kids do, I wonder "do they realize this is
TYPICAL behavior over here?" and sometimes things we say meaning noithing
"stop acting spastic", "you can clean up, you're ot crippled" tec, can hurt
someone whose kid is spastic, crippled or etc.
Whatever the cause of your sons allergies, you did what you thought was best
and thats what counts. No need for guilt!

[Sue theo b]

To the OP RE: Friend who won't be bothered to BF. One thing I picked up from
the book So That's What Ther're For (STWTF) As a mom who is BFing, you may find
that you are not as close to your FFing friends as you thought you would be.
Face it, exclusive BFing is a pretty major parenting decision. So is
DECIDING to FF because BFing is too much trouble. What you have is the clash of
parenting styles. Maybe this is a time when you won't be as close as you used
to. When eveybody is weaned, see how it goes then. Sue
PS From personal experience, I can tell you that I feel really warm and
affirmed when I am hanging out with other moms from the local MOMS group and
BFing just happens there. It's nice to be in a like minded group.

** remove "spamnot" to reply**

[Herself]

Nina > wrote:

> Sorry that u were hurt. BUT, (and I know I always take the diplomatic
> approach in these things) maybe it wasnt intended as a slap in your face.
> Maybe she, for whatever reason, genuinely believes formula to be as good as
> or better than breastfeeding based on HER experience and was simply stating
> HER reasons without intending it as a dig at you,
> My firstborn is autistic, and sometimes when other people complain about
> horrible intolerable things their kids do, I wonder "do they realize this is
> TYPICAL behavior over here?" and sometimes things we say meaning noithing
> "stop acting spastic", "you can clean up, you're ot crippled" tec, can hurt
> someone whose kid is spastic, crippled or etc.
> Whatever the cause of your sons allergies, you did what you thought was best
> and thats what counts. No need for guilt!

That's all true, and I need to stop being so sensitive. You're right.
I know I did best for him, and I'm glad I did (and still do). I guess I
needed a reality check. Thanks :-)
--
'Tis Herself

[Herself]

Larry McMahan > wrote:

> Speaking of C/sections... I saw an AP wire story over the holidays
> that reported an article in the Lancet which said that women who had
> C/sections with their first were much more likely to have miscarriages
> or other problems which made a subsequent pregnancy nonviable.
> It was a Scottish study.

Eep! I had a section too (not for want of trying to birth...22 hours of
labor and no progression). Hmmm...better talk to the ob about this
if/when I get preggers again. Thanks Larry!

--
'Tis Herself

[Herself]

Sue theo b > wrote:

> To the OP RE: Friend who won't be bothered to BF. One thing I picked up
> from the book So That's What Ther're For (STWTF) As a mom who is BFing,
> you may find that you are not as close to your FFing friends as you
> thought you would be. Face it, exclusive BFing is a pretty major parenting
> decision. So is DECIDING to FF because BFing is too much trouble. What you
> have is the clash of parenting styles. Maybe this is a time when you won't
> be as close as you used to. When eveybody is weaned, see how it goes then.
> Sue

I've actually known her for less than a year (her son is 3, mine is 2).
She just moved in down the road, and we clicked.

You're right tho...once they've all weaned, there won't be much
difference. Of course, I haven't even tried to explain child-led
weaning to them (I think their heads would explode!!) :-).

> PS From personal experience, I can tell you that I feel really warm and
> affirmed when I am hanging out with other moms from the local MOMS group
> and BFing just happens there. It's nice to be in a like minded group.

I'd be nice...but it just doesn't happen like that here. Really, really
low uptake of bf'ing, and you do feel a little slighted sometimes. I do
know one other mom who has a daughter the same age as P who still
nurses, but not in public (I don't either, come to think of it...if he
needed to, I would, but he doesn't nurse as much overall, so most times
he wants to, we're home). But it would be nice to see more of it...
--
'Tis Herself

[Nina]

"Herself" > wrote in message
...
> Nina > wrote:
>
> > Sorry that u were hurt. BUT, (and I know I always take the diplomatic
> > approach in these things) maybe it wasnt intended as a slap in your
face.
> > Maybe she, for whatever reason, genuinely believes formula to be as good
as
> > or better than breastfeeding based on HER experience and was simply
stating
> > HER reasons without intending it as a dig at you,
> > My firstborn is autistic, and sometimes when other people complain about
> > horrible intolerable things their kids do, I wonder "do they realize
this is
> > TYPICAL behavior over here?" and sometimes things we say meaning
noithing
> > "stop acting spastic", "you can clean up, you're ot crippled" tec, can
hurt
> > someone whose kid is spastic, crippled or etc.
> > Whatever the cause of your sons allergies, you did what you thought was
best
> > and thats what counts. No need for guilt!
>
> That's all true, and I need to stop being so sensitive. You're right.
> I know I did best for him, and I'm glad I did (and still do). I guess I
> needed a reality check. Thanks :-)
> --
> 'Tis Herself

No problem. Sometimes I get touchy. I remember once I was all hormonal and
my skin was MESSED UP and someone commented on an actress and how beautiful
her skin was. I really really hated the person AND the actress for that, I
was SURE it was meant as a dig at ME.

[New York Jen]

"Herself" > wrote in message
...
> My friend, let's call her Linda, is 7 months preggers. She didn't
> really bf her first (now 3), and has just told me that she's not going
> to "bother" cause it's too much trouble and she can just chuck the
> bottles in the dishwasher anyway. And her hubby can therefore feed
> baby. She's not going to even try...not once. She is getting a section
> (her doc told her to tell him when she's getting antsy, and he'll
> schedule it...before the due date).
>
> One thing she did say...her brother, Paul, has food allergies. He is
> the only one that her mom bf. All the others were ff, and "they're all
> fine". I took that as a slap in the face...yes, P has food allergies.
> Yes, it can be tough. But he's damn healthier than her son. I almost
> want to cry now, because I really have had issues with bf'ing and food
> allergies and wondering if I did anything to "cause" P's problems, if
> you know what I mean. But that just...hurt. Deeply.
>
> She's someone that I really like, get along with, and enjoy being
> around. But that one comment...well. Ouch. Maybe that was her way of
> making me stop talking about it. <sniffle> I feel like I'm going to
> start crying now. Really. I would *never* say to her that her son's
> problems are because she overindulges him, spoils him, or anything like
> that. I've tried to help, looking things up on the Net for her. That's
> the way I do things.
>
> Now I feel like I don't want to "bother" with her.
>
> Thanks for listening, if you're still there :-).
> --
> 'Tis Herself


Aw, I'm sorry that happened. Sounds like a situation I'd get myself into!

Just know that your son is better off than if you DIDN'T nurse him, so
there!

I have problems when people decide before their child is even born not to
breastfeed. I've been slightly flamed here for saying so in the past, so
I'll stop now.

:-)

[Karlee in Kansas]

"Herself" > wrote in message
...
| Larry McMahan > wrote:
|
| > Speaking of C/sections... I saw an AP wire story over the holidays
| > that reported an article in the Lancet which said that women who had
| > C/sections with their first were much more likely to have miscarriages
| > or other problems which made a subsequent pregnancy nonviable.
| > It was a Scottish study.
|
| Eep! I had a section too (not for want of trying to birth...22 hours of
| labor and no progression). Hmmm...better talk to the ob about this
| if/when I get preggers again. Thanks Larry!
|
| --
| 'Tis Herself

If its any consolation, I had 2 miscarriages before DS came along via
section....one miscarriage between DS and DD, and my pregnancy with DD was
totally viable (note to self...don't point out the obvious) and the only
major complaints were morning sickness, one bout of preterm that got
stopped and she was born 3.5 weeks early (there is still some speculation
on the "earliness" of her though...by my estimate she was right on time, by
the docs she was early). I'm not telling you to disregard the study by any
means, but just sharing my purely antidotal experience.

Hugs,
Karlee in Kansas
~~
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't
matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

[Herself]

Nina > wrote:

> No problem. Sometimes I get touchy. I remember once I was all hormonal and
> my skin was MESSED UP and someone commented on an actress and how beautiful
> her skin was. I really really hated the person AND the actress for that, I
> was SURE it was meant as a dig at ME.

AF last night, so that might have been a part of it :-).

Hey, to make you feel better, Cameron Diaz has *terrible* skin, she's
always breaking out. :-)

--
'Tis Herself

[Herself]

Karlee in Kansas > wrote:

> If its any consolation, I had 2 miscarriages before DS came along via
> section....one miscarriage between DS and DD, and my pregnancy with DD was
> totally viable (note to self...don't point out the obvious) and the only
> major complaints were morning sickness, one bout of preterm that got
> stopped and she was born 3.5 weeks early (there is still some speculation
> on the "earliness" of her though...by my estimate she was right on time, by
> the docs she was early). I'm not telling you to disregard the study by any
> means, but just sharing my purely antidotal experience.

Everyone's different, right? ;-)

I'm determined that if/when I get preg again, we're going natural. My
doc, sewing me up last time, said that he didn't see a problem with it.

Thanks for the info...more is always better, cause you have more ammo
:-).
--
'Tis Herself

[Herself]

New York Jen > wrote:

> Aw, I'm sorry that happened. Sounds like a situation I'd get myself into!

Hehehe..I think we've all been there :-).

> Just know that your son is better off than if you DIDN'T nurse him, so
> there!

Darn tooting. And I don't have to get up at 3 am to nuke some milk for
him either :-).

> I have problems when people decide before their child is even born not to
> breastfeed. I've been slightly flamed here for saying so in the past, so
> I'll stop now.

Heck no. That's what she's done, and I'm stunned. She's pretty
intelligent, but did mention that her dad would be mortified if she
whipped 'em out to nurse in front of him. I wanted to say that he'd be
proud she was doing the "right" thing, but she had also let loose with
food allergies right before, so I was still speechless (hard to do).

One thing that made me feel better. P's minder, who is 22 and Polish,
heard what she said. Later, she said that she was "crazy" to not nurse.
I love my minder :-).
--
'Tis Herself

[Nina]

"Herself" > wrote in message
...
> Nina > wrote:
>
> > No problem. Sometimes I get touchy. I remember once I was all hormonal
and
> > my skin was MESSED UP and someone commented on an actress and how
beautiful
> > her skin was. I really really hated the person AND the actress for that,
I
> > was SURE it was meant as a dig at ME.
>
> AF last night, so that might have been a part of it :-).
>
> Hey, to make you feel better, Cameron Diaz has *terrible* skin, she's
> always breaking out. :-)
>

I thought about that the other day, I said "If Cameron Diaz with all her
money and access to the best doctors has acne problems, poor broke me cant
expect perfect skin". Vanessa Williams has acne too. I'd been doing good for
ages, then the baby was born and it was downhill.

[Herself]

Nina > wrote:

> I thought about that the other day, I said "If Cameron Diaz with all her
> money and access to the best doctors has acne problems, poor broke me cant
> expect perfect skin". Vanessa Williams has acne too. I'd been doing good for
> ages, then the baby was born and it was downhill.

Exactly. If they, goddesses both, have bad skin...baby, you're gorgeous
:-)

My hips were small, then P was born, and that was downhill too.
Boobs...face.... :-)

I still wubs ya :-)
--
'Tis Herself

[Kate]

(Herself) wrote in message >...
> My friend, let's call her Linda, is 7 months preggers. She didn't
> really bf her first (now 3), and has just told me that she's not going
> to "bother" cause it's too much trouble and she can just chuck the
> bottles in the dishwasher anyway. And her hubby can therefore feed
> baby. She's not going to even try...not once. She is getting a section
> (her doc told her to tell him when she's getting antsy, and he'll
> schedule it...before the due date).

if she'll listen, explain to her that it's like learning to ride a
bike. sure, a tricycle (formula feeding) is easy to start and gets
you going. but you'll never get to the point of being competent and
really getting places very well. breastfeeding is like a bicycle. It
takes a little getting used to, learnign to make the fine adjustments,
but once you get it, you can really go places without even thinking
about it.

bottle feeding is NOT easier. I don't know where this idea came from.
Formula rots and has to be thrown away shortly after saliva is
introduced into it. it has to be mixed properly- huge numbers of
sampled bottles are actually mixed improperly. You *must* record lot
numbers in case of a recall- think of all those babies who died from
the missing B1 in Remedia and the bacterial contaminated formulas.
Bottles and nipples get scratched and become breeding grounds for
bacteria. YOu have to pace feedings like breastfeeedings to avoid
overstuffing the baby. Stain removal is harder. You might have to
pay for braces, special diets, treatment for diabetes, Chrohn's
disease, allergies, cancer for yourself and your baby...... and the
list goes on. Nope, breastfeeding is so much easier and more normal.


Kate, http://www.cs.colorado.edu/~kolina/advantages-of-formula.html
Mom to Ursula (9!), Sage (6.5), Benno (2.9)
http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/77/walmart.html - The Wal-Mart You
Don't Know (and need to know)