when pretend play goes too far...

[pam]

alix can't seem to separate pretend play and real life. or doesn't
want to. callie started in with talking about her mommy and daddy last
year. it evolved into her mommy, daddy, 2 boys (brothers?), and 2
cats. in reality she has 2 mommies, 1 sister, and 2 dogs. but she just
talks about "at her mommy and daddy's..." a couple months ago alix
started in with the mommy and daddy scenario. but she takes it a step
further. she wants me to call her mommy and daddy. sometimes i do.
sometimes i make an excuse not to. or she'll want me to take her
there. i make up an excuse and distract her, but it ALWAYS comes up
again later.

one night kelly came home from work and alix ran up to her, "can you
take me to my mommy and daddy's?" and kelly said, "oh honey, that's
just pretend." alix started screaming and ran into her room and shut
the door and continued to cry. kelly looked at me and said, "what
should i have done?" i said to go along with it.

yesterday we were at the park and it was starting to thunder so we
headed out. she insisted on going to her barn to see her horse which
apparently was in the other direction. she kept telling me to turn
around to go to her barn. i said it was going to rain and the horse
wouldn't come out of the barn. luckily, it started to rain very
quickly and she said, "i guess you're right mom." [i know i'm not
gonna hear THAT phrase much longer!]

so this morning she woke up and it wasn't raining so she immediately
started in, "take me to see my horse now. he's waiting for me. please.
please. please." i said we could go see SOME horses. we happen to be
going somewhere today where we'll pass some horses. but she said, "no,
i want to see MY horse!" she hurried and got dressed and told me to
get dressed too. she's distracted for the moment but i know she'll
start asking again.

what do i do? i'm walking on eggshells wondering if my excuses will
appease her. should i just say it's pretend and put up with the
tantrums? i don't want to stifle her imagination 'cos she such a tight
ass otherwise. she's usually the one putting a damper on callie's
play. telling her the people on TV can't hear her 'cos they are just
pretend when callie gets interactive with the Wiggles.

she doesn't have problems with other types of pretend play. this
morning she had bits of paper in a jar of water and she said they were
her bugs. and she has a box here in the office/playroom that she keeps
her baby wolfas (wolves) in.

i need help. FAST!

pam
SAHM to alix and callie 3/24/00

[Ellen Kmetz]

Pam,

A good friend of mine had a similar experience with her daughter, who was about
4 at the time. She was obsessed with Wizard of Oz, and every day she would
wake up and "assign" everyone (including herself) a character to be for the
day. She would refuse to be called by her name and would only answer to the
pretend name and also would only call her mom and brother by their pretend
name. It went on for months and was getting very frustrating for my friend. I
know everyone says "it'll pass", but it really did. She played along to an
extent, and eventually her DD got tired of it and just stopped doing it.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it. When my DD was little she went through a
phase of making up stories about things that never happened, etc. Nothing bad
or anything, just "tall tales" as I used to call them. When she got old enough
I had to teach her not to do it. I used to sort of kid with her by saying
"now, did that *really* happen?" and she would giggle and say no. That way she
wouldn't get defensive or feel like I didn't care about her stories. I chalked
it up to a roving imagination, which she still has, and fortunately she did
learn the difference. Let it play itself out with Alix and I'll bet she'll be
on to something else soon.

Take care,

Ellen
--------
Erin 6/26/95
Bradley & Alex 10/5/00

[Ellen Kmetz]

Pam,

A good friend of mine had a similar experience with her daughter, who was about
4 at the time. She was obsessed with Wizard of Oz, and every day she would
wake up and "assign" everyone (including herself) a character to be for the
day. She would refuse to be called by her name and would only answer to the
pretend name and also would only call her mom and brother by their pretend
name. It went on for months and was getting very frustrating for my friend. I
know everyone says "it'll pass", but it really did. She played along to an
extent, and eventually her DD got tired of it and just stopped doing it.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it. When my DD was little she went through a
phase of making up stories about things that never happened, etc. Nothing bad
or anything, just "tall tales" as I used to call them. When she got old enough
I had to teach her not to do it. I used to sort of kid with her by saying
"now, did that *really* happen?" and she would giggle and say no. That way she
wouldn't get defensive or feel like I didn't care about her stories. I chalked
it up to a roving imagination, which she still has, and fortunately she did
learn the difference. Let it play itself out with Alix and I'll bet she'll be
on to something else soon.

Take care,

Ellen
--------
Erin 6/26/95
Bradley & Alex 10/5/00

[Seth Jackson]

On 26 Sep 2003 19:35:56 GMT, (Ellen Kmetz) wrote:

>A good friend of mine had a similar experience with her daughter, who was about
>4 at the time. She was obsessed with Wizard of Oz, and every day she would
>wake up and "assign" everyone (including herself) a character to be for the
>day.

My 3-year-old daughter did this for awhile, although it would only be
for an hour or so, not a whole day.
--
-Seth Jackson, proud father of Derek and Mariel(10/1/99). Pictures at:
http://hitmeister.home.mindspring.com/familypictures.htm

Music links: www.mp3.com/SethJackson
www.mp3.com/loudspeaker
www.SethJackson.net

[Seth Jackson]

On 26 Sep 2003 19:35:56 GMT, (Ellen Kmetz) wrote:

>A good friend of mine had a similar experience with her daughter, who was about
>4 at the time. She was obsessed with Wizard of Oz, and every day she would
>wake up and "assign" everyone (including herself) a character to be for the
>day.

My 3-year-old daughter did this for awhile, although it would only be
for an hour or so, not a whole day.
--
-Seth Jackson, proud father of Derek and Mariel(10/1/99). Pictures at:
http://hitmeister.home.mindspring.com/familypictures.htm

Music links: www.mp3.com/SethJackson
www.mp3.com/loudspeaker
www.SethJackson.net

[GwenO MS]

>it's when she insists i TAKE her to her
>pretend family or pretend horse barn. how do i get out of actually
>taking her somewhere time after time?
>

Kids are interesting in the ways that they try to figure out the parameters of
their world: who's in charge? How much control do they actually have? And
what is 'real' anyway? (TV must be so confusing!). I think we help them most
when we define and hold limits for them -- we can help them keep track of
reality -- of boundaries and to maintain a sense of stability in the world. I
don't think it hurts, in the long run, to let a child have a hissy fit because
you really truly cannot drive to see an imaginary horse. The way to 'get out
of taking her' is to tell her the truth: "I can't take you someplace that only
exists in your imagination. I can play with you and we can pretend there is a
horse...just like we sip pretend tea at a tea party or 'talk' for our dollies,
but I cannot go to a place that doesn't exist."
And when she tells you, "you took me yesterday," I'd say that I was pretending
with her, but I'm not going to drive places that don't really exist any more."
If she cries, stamps her feet and lashes out at you -- it means she's heard you
and is trying her best to manipulate you into doing something that she wants
you to do. Good practice for adolescence.
Gwen

[GwenO MS]

>it's when she insists i TAKE her to her
>pretend family or pretend horse barn. how do i get out of actually
>taking her somewhere time after time?
>

Kids are interesting in the ways that they try to figure out the parameters of
their world: who's in charge? How much control do they actually have? And
what is 'real' anyway? (TV must be so confusing!). I think we help them most
when we define and hold limits for them -- we can help them keep track of
reality -- of boundaries and to maintain a sense of stability in the world. I
don't think it hurts, in the long run, to let a child have a hissy fit because
you really truly cannot drive to see an imaginary horse. The way to 'get out
of taking her' is to tell her the truth: "I can't take you someplace that only
exists in your imagination. I can play with you and we can pretend there is a
horse...just like we sip pretend tea at a tea party or 'talk' for our dollies,
but I cannot go to a place that doesn't exist."
And when she tells you, "you took me yesterday," I'd say that I was pretending
with her, but I'm not going to drive places that don't really exist any more."
If she cries, stamps her feet and lashes out at you -- it means she's heard you
and is trying her best to manipulate you into doing something that she wants
you to do. Good practice for adolescence.
Gwen

[multimom4]

I think you should try this idea and if it fails, move on to Gwen's ;-)

They *are* at a masterful age for manipulation ... but as Gwen just wrote in
another post, "expressing opinions of dismay is not the end of the world",
so if you can't find a way to make her happy, you'll need (painfully) to
accept that she will be mad for a while.

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)

"shirley" > wrote in message
news:02Edb.610222$YN5.447750@sccrnsc01...
> How about making a pretend place - outside - join her in her imaginary
> space - look at the horses and look at all the hay etc, etc. Just walking
> somewhere might be enough - their space requirements seem to be pretty
small
> at this age.
>
> Shirley
>
> "pam " > wrote in message
> ...
> > thanx everyone for taking the time to comment. the whole pretend thing
> > doesn't bother me at all. it's when she insists i TAKE her to her
> > pretend family or pretend horse barn. how do i get out of actually
> > taking her somewhere time after time?
> >
> > pam
>
>

[multimom4]

I think you should try this idea and if it fails, move on to Gwen's ;-)

They *are* at a masterful age for manipulation ... but as Gwen just wrote in
another post, "expressing opinions of dismay is not the end of the world",
so if you can't find a way to make her happy, you'll need (painfully) to
accept that she will be mad for a while.

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)

"shirley" > wrote in message
news:02Edb.610222$YN5.447750@sccrnsc01...
> How about making a pretend place - outside - join her in her imaginary
> space - look at the horses and look at all the hay etc, etc. Just walking
> somewhere might be enough - their space requirements seem to be pretty
small
> at this age.
>
> Shirley
>
> "pam " > wrote in message
> ...
> > thanx everyone for taking the time to comment. the whole pretend thing
> > doesn't bother me at all. it's when she insists i TAKE her to her
> > pretend family or pretend horse barn. how do i get out of actually
> > taking her somewhere time after time?
> >
> > pam
>
>

[RayDiRhymr]

>Kids are interesting in the ways that they try to figure out the parameters
>of
>their world: who's in charge? How much control do they actually have? And
>what is 'real' anyway? (TV must be so confusing!). I think we help them
>most
>when we define and hold limits for them -- we can help them keep track of
>reality -- of boundaries and to maintain a sense of stability in the world.
>I
>don't think it hurts, in the long run, to let a child have a hissy fit
>because
>you really truly cannot drive to see an imaginary horse. The way to 'get out
>of taking her' is to tell her the truth: "I can't take you someplace that
>only
>exists in your imagination. I can play with you and we can pretend there is
>a
>horse...just like we sip pretend tea at a tea party or 'talk' for our
>dollies,
>but I cannot go to a place that doesn't exist."
>And when she tells you, "you took me yesterday," I'd say that I was
>pretending
>with her, but I'm not going to drive places that don't really exist any
>more."
>If she cries, stamps her feet and lashes out at you -- it means she's heard
>you
>and is trying her best to manipulate you into doing something that she wants
>you to do. Good practice for adolescence.
>Gwen
>
>
>
This is one of the best responses I have ever seen. When I read the original
post -

>>it's when she insists i TAKE her to her
>>pretend family or pretend horse barn. how do i get out of actually
>>taking her somewhere time after time?
>>

I was thinking - Just say NO, and let her have a big fit. Gwen - you said it
so much more eloquently and explained what I was thinking. Sometimes we just
have to remember we are the parents, they are the children. Anyways, I agree
with Gwen, and good luck!!

Diana
(with Jared, Vanessa, & Grace - all of whom have trouble hearing the word no on
occassion - but then again, the apples don't fall far from the tree!)

[RayDiRhymr]

>Kids are interesting in the ways that they try to figure out the parameters
>of
>their world: who's in charge? How much control do they actually have? And
>what is 'real' anyway? (TV must be so confusing!). I think we help them
>most
>when we define and hold limits for them -- we can help them keep track of
>reality -- of boundaries and to maintain a sense of stability in the world.
>I
>don't think it hurts, in the long run, to let a child have a hissy fit
>because
>you really truly cannot drive to see an imaginary horse. The way to 'get out
>of taking her' is to tell her the truth: "I can't take you someplace that
>only
>exists in your imagination. I can play with you and we can pretend there is
>a
>horse...just like we sip pretend tea at a tea party or 'talk' for our
>dollies,
>but I cannot go to a place that doesn't exist."
>And when she tells you, "you took me yesterday," I'd say that I was
>pretending
>with her, but I'm not going to drive places that don't really exist any
>more."
>If she cries, stamps her feet and lashes out at you -- it means she's heard
>you
>and is trying her best to manipulate you into doing something that she wants
>you to do. Good practice for adolescence.
>Gwen
>
>
>
This is one of the best responses I have ever seen. When I read the original
post -

>>it's when she insists i TAKE her to her
>>pretend family or pretend horse barn. how do i get out of actually
>>taking her somewhere time after time?
>>

I was thinking - Just say NO, and let her have a big fit. Gwen - you said it
so much more eloquently and explained what I was thinking. Sometimes we just
have to remember we are the parents, they are the children. Anyways, I agree
with Gwen, and good luck!!

Diana
(with Jared, Vanessa, & Grace - all of whom have trouble hearing the word no on
occassion - but then again, the apples don't fall far from the tree!)

[GwenO MS]

Diana wrote:

>This is one of the best responses I have ever seen. ...
>
>I was thinking - Just say NO, and let her have a big fit. Gwen - you said it
>so much more eloquently and explained what I was thinking. Sometimes we just
>have to remember we are the parents, they are the children.

Thanks Diana...and what YOU wrote is the bottom line -- kids need parents to be
the adults. (BTW, I'd better be able to articulate this, as a therapist I deal
with a lot of kid/adult boundary issues <g>)
Gwen

[GwenO MS]

Diana wrote:

>This is one of the best responses I have ever seen. ...
>
>I was thinking - Just say NO, and let her have a big fit. Gwen - you said it
>so much more eloquently and explained what I was thinking. Sometimes we just
>have to remember we are the parents, they are the children.

Thanks Diana...and what YOU wrote is the bottom line -- kids need parents to be
the adults. (BTW, I'd better be able to articulate this, as a therapist I deal
with a lot of kid/adult boundary issues <g>)
Gwen