Center of Attention

[Kender]

My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach kids
how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over yesterday
and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you like
MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am not
sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they talk,
listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the character
trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration. Anyway, I
guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition but
it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really discouraging
to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get it.
--
Erin
Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
Evan 5/14/00

[Andrea]

Erin-

I think this is a great question. I haven't BTDT so I don't have any advice
for you, but I think you're probably right about things being a competition
since they are twins. I'm looking forward to reading what others have to say
on this.

Andrea
twin girls-Jordan & Madison
3 yrs. old


>My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach kids
>how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over yesterday
>and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you like
>MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am not
>sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they talk,
>listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
>about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the character
>trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration. Anyway, I
>guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition but
>it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really discouraging
>to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get it.
>--
>Erin
>Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
>Evan 5/14/00
>
>

[Andrea]

Erin-

I think this is a great question. I haven't BTDT so I don't have any advice
for you, but I think you're probably right about things being a competition
since they are twins. I'm looking forward to reading what others have to say
on this.

Andrea
twin girls-Jordan & Madison
3 yrs. old


>My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach kids
>how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over yesterday
>and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you like
>MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am not
>sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they talk,
>listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
>about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the character
>trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration. Anyway, I
>guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition but
>it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really discouraging
>to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get it.
>--
>Erin
>Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
>Evan 5/14/00
>
>

[multimom4]

My answer -- separate them in school. That way, they don't have "strength
in numbers" against everyone else in the class and they aren't constantly
battling each other. So they end up having to behave nicely. Hanna
certainly seems to be doing much better socially than ever before now that
she doesn't "have to" order her brothers around all day. The teacher even
commented to me the other day how different Hanna became the one time she
was in a double-class with Elliot's class. Immediately started bossing him
around and raising her voice. And Connor, for whom I was very worried
because of his shyness / inability to make friends, has "bonded" per his
teacher with someone named Michael. Fingers crossed.

At home, no clue whatsoever how to solve it. We have just the same
problem -- the babysitter arrives and is deluged with them, all demanding
her attention first -- even the baby gets in on that act. To be honest, I
don't invite other kids to play, even yet, since I have my hands full
enough, but I totally recognize what you are saying from everyday
experience -- this is how mine are with *me*. All three rush in unable to
wait their turn to tell me anything, interrupt each other, and then don't
even listen to what I have to say back to them. And "lack of consideration"
is exactly what I call it, though they don't hear that bit either.

{hugs as ever}

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)
..


"Kender" > wrote in message
news:p2Deb.648597$Ho3.135019@sccrnsc03...
> My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach kids
> how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over
yesterday
> and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you like
> MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am
not
> sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they talk,
> listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
> about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the character
> trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration. Anyway,
I
> guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition
but
> it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really
discouraging
> to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get
it.
> --
> Erin
> Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
> Evan 5/14/00
>
>

[multimom4]

My answer -- separate them in school. That way, they don't have "strength
in numbers" against everyone else in the class and they aren't constantly
battling each other. So they end up having to behave nicely. Hanna
certainly seems to be doing much better socially than ever before now that
she doesn't "have to" order her brothers around all day. The teacher even
commented to me the other day how different Hanna became the one time she
was in a double-class with Elliot's class. Immediately started bossing him
around and raising her voice. And Connor, for whom I was very worried
because of his shyness / inability to make friends, has "bonded" per his
teacher with someone named Michael. Fingers crossed.

At home, no clue whatsoever how to solve it. We have just the same
problem -- the babysitter arrives and is deluged with them, all demanding
her attention first -- even the baby gets in on that act. To be honest, I
don't invite other kids to play, even yet, since I have my hands full
enough, but I totally recognize what you are saying from everyday
experience -- this is how mine are with *me*. All three rush in unable to
wait their turn to tell me anything, interrupt each other, and then don't
even listen to what I have to say back to them. And "lack of consideration"
is exactly what I call it, though they don't hear that bit either.

{hugs as ever}

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)
..


"Kender" > wrote in message
news:p2Deb.648597$Ho3.135019@sccrnsc03...
> My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach kids
> how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over
yesterday
> and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you like
> MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am
not
> sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they talk,
> listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
> about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the character
> trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration. Anyway,
I
> guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition
but
> it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really
discouraging
> to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get
it.
> --
> Erin
> Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
> Evan 5/14/00
>
>

[Kender]

Thanks Janet. Unfortunately they are separated in school. On Friday Morgan's
teacher had to have a talk with me on how Morgan want to 'share' everything,
all the time. It's gotten so bad she's going to have to write her name on
the board thus her missing recess.

Today we had a talk about compassion. Not really what I am trying to get at
but one step in the right direction. I also talked about how if they stop
trying to get people to make comments about them/their stuff etc. they might
get them anyway, and wouldn't that mean more to them then getting comments
they had asked for.

We'll see. This is really hard.
--
Erin
Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
Evan 5/14/00

"multimom4" > wrote in message
news:SPIfb.686701$uu5.112166@sccrnsc04...
> My answer -- separate them in school. That way, they don't have "strength
> in numbers" against everyone else in the class and they aren't constantly
> battling each other. So they end up having to behave nicely. Hanna
> certainly seems to be doing much better socially than ever before now that
> she doesn't "have to" order her brothers around all day. The teacher even
> commented to me the other day how different Hanna became the one time she
> was in a double-class with Elliot's class. Immediately started bossing
him
> around and raising her voice. And Connor, for whom I was very worried
> because of his shyness / inability to make friends, has "bonded" per his
> teacher with someone named Michael. Fingers crossed.
>
> At home, no clue whatsoever how to solve it. We have just the same
> problem -- the babysitter arrives and is deluged with them, all demanding
> her attention first -- even the baby gets in on that act. To be honest, I
> don't invite other kids to play, even yet, since I have my hands full
> enough, but I totally recognize what you are saying from everyday
> experience -- this is how mine are with *me*. All three rush in unable to
> wait their turn to tell me anything, interrupt each other, and then don't
> even listen to what I have to say back to them. And "lack of
consideration"
> is exactly what I call it, though they don't hear that bit either.
>
> {hugs as ever}
>
> --Janet
> Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
> and Holly (4/4/01)
> .
>
>
> "Kender" > wrote in message
> news:p2Deb.648597$Ho3.135019@sccrnsc03...
> > My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach
kids
> > how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over
> yesterday
> > and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you
like
> > MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am
> not
> > sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they
talk,
> > listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
> > about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the
character
> > trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration.
Anyway,
> I
> > guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition
> but
> > it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really
> discouraging
> > to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get
> it.
> > --
> > Erin
> > Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
> > Evan 5/14/00
> >
> >
>
>

[Kender]

Thanks Janet. Unfortunately they are separated in school. On Friday Morgan's
teacher had to have a talk with me on how Morgan want to 'share' everything,
all the time. It's gotten so bad she's going to have to write her name on
the board thus her missing recess.

Today we had a talk about compassion. Not really what I am trying to get at
but one step in the right direction. I also talked about how if they stop
trying to get people to make comments about them/their stuff etc. they might
get them anyway, and wouldn't that mean more to them then getting comments
they had asked for.

We'll see. This is really hard.
--
Erin
Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
Evan 5/14/00

"multimom4" > wrote in message
news:SPIfb.686701$uu5.112166@sccrnsc04...
> My answer -- separate them in school. That way, they don't have "strength
> in numbers" against everyone else in the class and they aren't constantly
> battling each other. So they end up having to behave nicely. Hanna
> certainly seems to be doing much better socially than ever before now that
> she doesn't "have to" order her brothers around all day. The teacher even
> commented to me the other day how different Hanna became the one time she
> was in a double-class with Elliot's class. Immediately started bossing
him
> around and raising her voice. And Connor, for whom I was very worried
> because of his shyness / inability to make friends, has "bonded" per his
> teacher with someone named Michael. Fingers crossed.
>
> At home, no clue whatsoever how to solve it. We have just the same
> problem -- the babysitter arrives and is deluged with them, all demanding
> her attention first -- even the baby gets in on that act. To be honest, I
> don't invite other kids to play, even yet, since I have my hands full
> enough, but I totally recognize what you are saying from everyday
> experience -- this is how mine are with *me*. All three rush in unable to
> wait their turn to tell me anything, interrupt each other, and then don't
> even listen to what I have to say back to them. And "lack of
consideration"
> is exactly what I call it, though they don't hear that bit either.
>
> {hugs as ever}
>
> --Janet
> Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
> and Holly (4/4/01)
> .
>
>
> "Kender" > wrote in message
> news:p2Deb.648597$Ho3.135019@sccrnsc03...
> > My girls always have to be the center of attention. How do you teach
kids
> > how to listen and not always be heard? They had a little girl over
> yesterday
> > and I was tired listening to them. "Do you like MY backpack?" "Do you
like
> > MY skirt?" "You be the witch and I'll be the princess." On and on. I am
> not
> > sure how to explain to them the importance of taking turns when they
talk,
> > listening to the opinions of others, and not always having everything be
> > about THEM. Maybe I am not explaining it well. I am not sure the
character
> > trait I am looking for. Empathy is not right. Maybe consideration.
Anyway,
> I
> > guess since there's two of them everything has always been a competition
> but
> > it's spilling over into their social abilities and it's really
> discouraging
> > to watch. I have tried talking to them about it but they just don't get
> it.
> > --
> > Erin
> > Morgan and Megan 2/15/97
> > Evan 5/14/00
> >
> >
>
>

[Chotii]

"Kender" > wrote in message
news:VXXfb.686434$Ho3.146662@sccrnsc03...
> Thanks Janet. Unfortunately they are separated in school. On Friday
Morgan's
> teacher had to have a talk with me on how Morgan want to 'share'
everything,
> all the time. It's gotten so bad she's going to have to write her name on
> the board thus her missing recess.
>
> Today we had a talk about compassion. Not really what I am trying to get
at
> but one step in the right direction. I also talked about how if they stop
> trying to get people to make comments about them/their stuff etc. they
might
> get them anyway, and wouldn't that mean more to them then getting comments
> they had asked for.

If it's any consolation at all, Kender, my kids are just the same way. They
want to be the center of attention at all times, and since there are three
of them (6, and the twins, 4)....we mostly insist on courtesy ("Be quiet,
daddy is talking"/"Be quiet, I'm on the phone.") (Not that this works most
of the time) and taking turns. Victoria, 4, likes to walk up to complete
strangers and demand to know if they love her dress-of-the-day. I'm not sure
what exactly she needs that she's seeking this kind of attention, but it's
both embarrassing and annoying. Possibly if you could understand your
daughter's motivations you could reassure her or....something, but so far
that solution has evaded *me*. :(

--angela

[Chotii]

"Kender" > wrote in message
news:VXXfb.686434$Ho3.146662@sccrnsc03...
> Thanks Janet. Unfortunately they are separated in school. On Friday
Morgan's
> teacher had to have a talk with me on how Morgan want to 'share'
everything,
> all the time. It's gotten so bad she's going to have to write her name on
> the board thus her missing recess.
>
> Today we had a talk about compassion. Not really what I am trying to get
at
> but one step in the right direction. I also talked about how if they stop
> trying to get people to make comments about them/their stuff etc. they
might
> get them anyway, and wouldn't that mean more to them then getting comments
> they had asked for.

If it's any consolation at all, Kender, my kids are just the same way. They
want to be the center of attention at all times, and since there are three
of them (6, and the twins, 4)....we mostly insist on courtesy ("Be quiet,
daddy is talking"/"Be quiet, I'm on the phone.") (Not that this works most
of the time) and taking turns. Victoria, 4, likes to walk up to complete
strangers and demand to know if they love her dress-of-the-day. I'm not sure
what exactly she needs that she's seeking this kind of attention, but it's
both embarrassing and annoying. Possibly if you could understand your
daughter's motivations you could reassure her or....something, but so far
that solution has evaded *me*. :(

--angela

[multimom4]

"> We'll see. This is really hard.
> --

Tell me about it. We are doing what Angela does btw "Quiet, X, it's Y's
turn to talk." But after at least a year of consistently reminding of
course that still doesn't always work, gets very irritating to repeat, and
by the time I manage to insert it into the conversation then usually the boy
(Y) has stopped talking and forgotten what he was trying to say. Very
frustrating. I have been trying to shorten *my* interruption so as to
disturb them less and with some success. But that's another facet different
from your problem. How about when they do it to *you*, you start telling
them that you don't want to hear whatever it was because they didn't say it
nicely??????? Of course you don't want that to backfire into them never
telling you anything either. Did anyone mention this is really hard?

The GOOD news is that your daughters (esp. Morgan, perhaps) have at least
some self-confidence in at least some situations -- and feel comfortable
speaking up at school. As one who was mute in class, I wonder perhaps
whether we should all *try* to look on the slightly brighter side? Ha ha.

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)

[multimom4]

"> We'll see. This is really hard.
> --

Tell me about it. We are doing what Angela does btw "Quiet, X, it's Y's
turn to talk." But after at least a year of consistently reminding of
course that still doesn't always work, gets very irritating to repeat, and
by the time I manage to insert it into the conversation then usually the boy
(Y) has stopped talking and forgotten what he was trying to say. Very
frustrating. I have been trying to shorten *my* interruption so as to
disturb them less and with some success. But that's another facet different
from your problem. How about when they do it to *you*, you start telling
them that you don't want to hear whatever it was because they didn't say it
nicely??????? Of course you don't want that to backfire into them never
telling you anything either. Did anyone mention this is really hard?

The GOOD news is that your daughters (esp. Morgan, perhaps) have at least
some self-confidence in at least some situations -- and feel comfortable
speaking up at school. As one who was mute in class, I wonder perhaps
whether we should all *try* to look on the slightly brighter side? Ha ha.

--Janet
Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96)
and Holly (4/4/01)