Re: [OT] Etiquette question

[Banty]

In article <dgXTa.15964$u51.5997@fed1read05>, "Circe" says...
>
>I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me "get
>well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
>checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of flowers
>(which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
>asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
>though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we need
>the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as gifts,
>I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders intended,
>with proper thank you notes thereafter.
>
>Etiquette mavens--what say you?

I'm far from a "maven" - alt.fan.miss-manners would be a good place to post
this, though.

I think the answer would be to accept the gifts gratefully, as it's something of
an insult to refuse them (but don't listen to me...)

Cheers,
Banty

[Elana]

Circe > wrote:

> Etiquette mavens--what say you?

Not a maven, but thinking of what my mother would say...I'd deposit
them, and write a graceful note. Our thing was always saying what the
money was spent on (at least the birthday and holiday card checks).
Maybe say that you did something great with the kids?

I think not depositing them would be weirder, since the giver might
think that you blew them off/didn't appreciate/etc, plus asking them
about it might be weird too...

E

[dragonlady]

In article <dgXTa.15964$u51.5997@fed1read05>,
"Circe" > wrote:

> I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me "get
> well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
> checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of flowers
> (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
> asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
> though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we need
> the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as gifts,
> I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders intended,
> with proper thank you notes thereafter.
>
> Etiquette mavens--what say you?

It is always OK to accept gifts. It's nice that you don't need the
money: in your position, I might have had to pay for extra day care, or
extra meals out, and WOULD have needed the extra money! Since you
don't, it's OK to hang onto them and do something you don't need, either
for yourself or for the whole family -- even if it is just a great
evening out to celebrate your getting well.

Etiquette only requires that you send gracious thank you notes; if you
can add what you spent the money on, it is even better. Or just a note
saying that all the kind gifts were unexpected, and you are looking
forward to finding a way to treat yourself and your family to something
special.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Ericka Kammerer]

Circe wrote:

> I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me "get
> well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
> checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of flowers
> (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
> asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
> though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we need
> the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as gifts,
> I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders intended,
> with proper thank you notes thereafter.


Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
really know what to do.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[H Schinske]

wrote:

> I suspect the situation just
>hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
>really know what to do.

Entirely likely. If in fact your insurance will cover all the medical stuff,
I'd write a check to some charity. There may well be one that covers asthma
research or something.

But I wouldn't necessarily say so to them.

--Helen

[blacksalt]

Circe wrote:
>
> I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me "get
> well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
> checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of flowers
> (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
> asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
> though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we need
> the money. We don't. OTOH

<snip>

My technique: cash them, and at the first, best opportunity, get the
giver an nice present (or their children).
blacksalt

[Leah Adezio]

"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
...
> Circe wrote:
>
> > I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me
"get
> > well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have
included
> > checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of
flowers
> > (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
> > asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing
them,
> > though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we
need
> > the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as
gifts,
> > I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders
intended,
> > with proper thank you notes thereafter.
>
>
> Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
> your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
> whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
> feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
> to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
> accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
> I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
> since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
> hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
> really know what to do.

This happened to me when David died. I got a number of checks from friends
or relatives and my first thought was 'Oh -- do they think we're poor now?'
(we're not).......and it occurred to me that maybe they just felt better
sending money instead of flowers or something less lasting.

Since I had no concrete plans for the money, when I wrote my thank you
notes, I simply said something along the lines of 'Thank you so much for
your gracious gift. We'll be using it in a thoughtful manner.' (Along with
a few other sentences thanking them for their condolences).

I think in our instance, with the exception of David's aunt and uncle, the
other people who sent checks were those who weren't able to attend the
funeral because of distance and felt like they had to do *something*, if you
know what I mean.

But they really threw me off. I'd *never* heard of people sending
condolence checks...it felt very odd to be accepting them, but I realized
I'd be more rude if I either returned them or didn't cash them (not to
mention the havok *that* would have created on balancing checking account
statements!).

Leah
_____________
In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved husband, father, heart's companion
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka
>

[Wendy Marsden]

Circe > wrote:
> I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me "get
> well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
> checks in them.

How strange. Did they say anything with the check suggesting what they
might want you to do with it? Sometimes I'll send a gift and say, "Please
use this to treat yourself to a nice dinner out" or something like
that. Once some relatives gave me money to hire housecleaning help when I
needed it (due to illness, not chronic slovenliness.)

I've also sent checks saying "I hope you'll use this to buy yourself some
books you'll like" or in some other way indicate my intentions. When my
kids get checks like that I ask them to honor the intentions - at least in
part. (If they get some change back I'll let them buy Pokemon cards or
something with the rest.)

I guess I'd try to intuit their intentions and use that money how they
hoped it would be used. I tend to treat gifts as someone giving me a
perspective into their values and discoveries rather than as additional
cash flow to myself. (That's why I *hate* gift registries. I want to
give a couple something I've discovered was useful or wonderful that they
might not know about, instead of something they intend to buy already.)

Good luck, I'm glad you're feeling better.

Wendy

[Welches]

Circe > wrote in message
news:dgXTa.15964$u51.5997@fed1read05...
> I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me
"get
> well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
> checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of
flowers
> (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
> asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
> though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we
need
> the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as
gifts,
> I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders intended,
> with proper thank you notes thereafter.
>
> Etiquette mavens--what say you?
I'd agree with you on the feeling, but I think what I'd suggest is that you
buy something nice for yourself, and tell them exactly what you've spent it
on when you thank them.
Debbie

[Rosalie B.]

x-no-archive:yes
"Leah Adezio" > wrote:

>
>"Ericka Kammerer" > wrote in message
...
>> Circe wrote:
>>
>> > I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me
>"get
>> > well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have
>included
>> > checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of
>flowers
>> > (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
>> > asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing
>them,
>> > though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we
>need
>> > the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as
>gifts,
>> > I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders
>intended,
>> > with proper thank you notes thereafter.
>>
>>
>> Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
>> your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
>> whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
>> feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
>> to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
>> accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
>> I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
>> since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
>> hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
>> really know what to do.

I agree with everyone - write a nice thank-you note if possible
mentioning what you have/might/are thinking of using the money for.
>
>This happened to me when David died. I got a number of checks from friends
>or relatives and my first thought was 'Oh -- do they think we're poor now?'
>(we're not).......and it occurred to me that maybe they just felt better
>sending money instead of flowers or something less lasting.
>
In your case, a lot of times the family designates a charity or place
that they want the money to go to. Like you will see "In lieu of
flowers please send a donation to the Make A Wish Foundation" (which
was what my DIL wanted when our grandson died).

So maybe that was what they intended and didn't like to ask you what
charity you wanted it to go to.

>Since I had no concrete plans for the money, when I wrote my thank you
>notes, I simply said something along the lines of 'Thank you so much for
>your gracious gift. We'll be using it in a thoughtful manner.' (Along with
>a few other sentences thanking them for their condolences).
>
>I think in our instance, with the exception of David's aunt and uncle, the
>other people who sent checks were those who weren't able to attend the
>funeral because of distance and felt like they had to do *something*, if you
>know what I mean.
>
>But they really threw me off. I'd *never* heard of people sending
>condolence checks...it felt very odd to be accepting them, but I realized
>I'd be more rude if I either returned them or didn't cash them (not to
>mention the havok *that* would have created on balancing checking account
>statements!).
>
>Leah
>_____________
>In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
>Beloved husband, father, heart's companion
>>
>> Best wishes,
>> Ericka
>>
>

grandma Rosalie

[Circe]

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
> your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
> whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
> feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
> to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
> accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
> I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
> since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
> hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
> really know what to do.
>
I think you're right, Ericka. (And a big thank you to everyone else. I think
I knew the right answer, but the whole thing just struck me as odd enough
that I needed input.)

Let me ask another question: Would it be inappropriate for me to deposit the
money, then make a donation in the amount given to the American Lung
Association in the name of the sender and let them know that I did so in my
thank you note so that they can take the tax deduction if they like? That
seems to me the best use of the money.
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [7/22/97], Aurora [7/19/99], and Vernon's [3/2/02] mom)
See us at http://photos.yahoo.com/guavaln

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"How a seller can improve their home's value" -- newspaper headline

What does it all mean? I have *no* idea. But it's my life and I like it.

[Ali's Daddie]

"Circe" > wrote in message
news:dgXTa.15964$u51.5997@fed1read05...
| I'm a bit perplexed over this one. Several family members have sent me
"get
| well" cards (in response to my illness a few weeks back) and have included
| checks in them. I suppose they are probably sending them in lieu of
flowers
| (which they probably didn't want to send on the chance they set off my
| asthma/allergies again). I can't help feeling weird about depositing them,
| though. I feel as though the subtle message being sent is that maybe we
need
| the money. We don't. OTOH, I suppose that since they are intended as
gifts,
| I should accept them graciously and deposit them as the senders intended,
| with proper thank you notes thereafter.
|
| Etiquette mavens--what say you?
| --


I don't know much about etiquette, but I say keep the checks. Deposit them,
send thank you cards.

If you feel bad, why not take them and open a new savings account especially
for the kids? Or set them aside for Birthday and Holiday presents.

Just my opinion ;-)


--
LES!

Daddie to Alegra Lee. May 25th 2003!
"Daddie's Little Diva"

before you reply to me via email, please remove your hat

[dragonlady]

In article <JxcUa.16115$u51.444@fed1read05>,
"Circe" > wrote:

> Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> > Goodness, I've never heard of such a thing, but I imagine
> > your interpretation that they're in lieu of flowers or a meal or
> > whatever else they might have brought is probably correct. I'd
> > feel a bit weird too, but I think it would be a bit insulting
> > to return them, so I think you're on the right track with
> > accepting them graciously and writing thank you notes. And really,
> > I doubt that they're thinking you need the money (especially
> > since you say they're family). I suspect the situation just
> > hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
> > really know what to do.
> >
> I think you're right, Ericka. (And a big thank you to everyone else. I think
> I knew the right answer, but the whole thing just struck me as odd enough
> that I needed input.)
>
> Let me ask another question: Would it be inappropriate for me to deposit the
> money, then make a donation in the amount given to the American Lung
> Association in the name of the sender and let them know that I did so in my
> thank you note so that they can take the tax deduction if they like? That
> seems to me the best use of the money.


My own inclination would be to assume that the givers wanted me to do
something nice for myself - some personal or family treat.

However, the money has been given to you, and you may, quite
legitimately, do what you want to do with it.

I don't know if money given to YOU, and then given by you to a charity,
CAN be taken as a deduction by the original giver: before assuming that
they can take the tax deduction on this, I'd check with a tax
specialist. It's possible that how you handle the checks could make a
difference: IRS rules are downright weird.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Sidheag McCormack]

I'm no etiquette maven (actually the reverence that many Americans seem to
have for Miss Manners etc. seems really bizarre to me) but my immediate
reaction is that this may be a time when thinking about charity is
appropriate. How about donating the money to an asthma research
organisation, or one that supports people with asthma, and telling people
that you've done so in gratitude that you're OK and in the hope of reducing
the chances of someone else going through what you went through?

Sidheag
edd Oct 13th

[Ericka Kammerer]

dragonlady wrote:


> My own inclination would be to assume that the givers wanted me to do
> something nice for myself - some personal or family treat.
>
> However, the money has been given to you, and you may, quite
> legitimately, do what you want to do with it.
>
> I don't know if money given to YOU, and then given by you to a charity,
> CAN be taken as a deduction by the original giver: before assuming that
> they can take the tax deduction on this, I'd check with a tax
> specialist. It's possible that how you handle the checks could make a
> difference: IRS rules are downright weird.


I would agree. And if you do give the money to charity
and want to tell the giver, I would phrase it in such a way as
to make it clear that giving this money to charity *was* a gift
to you. In other words, I wouldn't just say that you gave the
money away. Say that their gift enabled you to fulfill your
desire to help others in similar straits. Hopefully, that would
make it sound like you weren't rejecting their gift and that
you did really value it and use it to do something nice for
yourself that you might not otherwise have done.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[Leah Adezio]

"Rosalie B." > wrote in message
...
> x-no-archive:yes
> "Leah Adezio" > wrote:

> >This happened to me when David died. I got a number of checks from
friends
> >or relatives and my first thought was 'Oh -- do they think we're poor
now?'
> >(we're not).......and it occurred to me that maybe they just felt better
> >sending money instead of flowers or something less lasting.
> >
> In your case, a lot of times the family designates a charity or place
> that they want the money to go to. Like you will see "In lieu of
> flowers please send a donation to the Make A Wish Foundation" (which
> was what my DIL wanted when our grandson died).
>
> So maybe that was what they intended and didn't like to ask you what
> charity you wanted it to go to.

Given who the checks were from, I don't think so. They were all (with one
exception...an elderly great-aunt of David's from Seattle whom I'd never
even heard of -- I had to call my father-in-law and ask 'Who is Aunt
XXX?' -- it was his mother's sister) from my hometown. I did run an
obituary in our local newspaper there and the donation information was
listed (we requested donations be made to our university's television
station, run by the School of Communication -- David ran the station while
we were in graduate school...it was his 'baby' back then...and it's also
where we met), so they had access to that information.

David's aunt and uncle who did fly out for the funeral did tell me that they
'had an envelope' for me (each thought the other brought it with them from
the hotel <g>) that they would be putting in the mail, and they certainly
knew where donations could go...that one was clearly for us. That one
didn't really surprise me, though, since they have always been generous with
the children for birthdays, for all of us for holidays, and the like.
That's just their way -- they don't have children of their own, and have
always doted on David, his sisters and our various children.

Besides, I don't see why someone would think that's such a sensitive
question that they couldn't ask if they weren't sure if a charity or place
had been designated.

Leah
_____________
In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved husband, father, heart's companion

[Rosalie B.]

x-no-archive:yes
"Leah Adezio" > wrote:

>
>"Rosalie B." > wrote in message
...
>> x-no-archive:yes
>> "Leah Adezio" > wrote:
>
>> >This happened to me when David died. I got a number of checks from
>friends
>> >or relatives and my first thought was 'Oh -- do they think we're poor
>now?'
>> >(we're not).......and it occurred to me that maybe they just felt better
>> >sending money instead of flowers or something less lasting.
>> >
>> In your case, a lot of times the family designates a charity or place
>> that they want the money to go to. Like you will see "In lieu of
>> flowers please send a donation to the Make A Wish Foundation" (which
>> was what my DIL wanted when our grandson died).
>>
>> So maybe that was what they intended and didn't like to ask you what
>> charity you wanted it to go to.
>
>Given who the checks were from, I don't think so. They were all (with one
>exception...an elderly great-aunt of David's from Seattle whom I'd never
>even heard of -- I had to call my father-in-law and ask 'Who is Aunt
>XXX?' -- it was his mother's sister) from my hometown. I did run an
>obituary in our local newspaper there and the donation information was
>listed (we requested donations be made to our university's television
>station, run by the School of Communication -- David ran the station while
>we were in graduate school...it was his 'baby' back then...and it's also
>where we met), so they had access to that information.
>
>David's aunt and uncle who did fly out for the funeral did tell me that they
>'had an envelope' for me (each thought the other brought it with them from
>the hotel <g>) that they would be putting in the mail, and they certainly
>knew where donations could go...that one was clearly for us. That one
>didn't really surprise me, though, since they have always been generous with
>the children for birthdays, for all of us for holidays, and the like.
>That's just their way -- they don't have children of their own, and have
>always doted on David, his sisters and our various children.
>
>Besides, I don't see why someone would think that's such a sensitive
>question that they couldn't ask if they weren't sure if a charity or place
>had been designated.
>
>Leah
>_____________
>In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
>Beloved husband, father, heart's companion
>
In that case you are probably right.

But the husband of a friend died recently - they had a local memorial
service, but the funeral was to be in New England. She asked that
money be donated to the local college art museum where he had been a
professor and which he had been instrumental in getting in started.
(somewhat similar type of donation to yours although in his case he
was much older and had been sick and in and out of the hospital for
some time)

I was hesitant to give the money directly to the college for fear that
it wouldn't get into the correct fund both because I wasn't sure how
to address the envelope and/or what payee to put on the check. (I
finally called and asked)

And also quite frankly I was uncertain whether they would tell her
that a donation had been made. Because the donation was for her
(since I had no feelings one way or the other towards the art museum)
so I definitely wanted her to know that I was thinking of her and had
made a donation. (I did also write her a note of condolence in
addition to attending the memorial service.) I wasn't sure that the
college actually had the fund set up yet. I'm not sure that they have
told her, although my note was answered.


grandma Rosalie

[Maryilee]

>ut they really threw me off. I'd *never* heard of people sending
>condolence checks...it felt very odd to be accepting them,


Really? I thought it was pretty common practice. Dear Abby had a couple of
columns about this very subject and many people wrote to say how money given to
them after a loved one died really helped them. Even people who had good life
insurance policies still had a delay between the death and when the check
arrived.

In some cases, the money was used for bare necessities like food and to pay
bills.



Maryilee

Maggie's Christmas page
http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/christmaspictures.html
Info on hereditary spherocytosis
http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/spherocytosis.html

[Leah Adezio]

"Maryilee" > wrote in message
...
> >ut they really threw me off. I'd *never* heard of people sending
> >condolence checks...it felt very odd to be accepting them,
>
>
> Really? I thought it was pretty common practice.

It may be a regional thing....It was new to me.

>Dear Abby had a couple of
> columns about this very subject and many people wrote to say how money
given to
> them after a loved one died really helped them. Even people who had good
life
> insurance policies still had a delay between the death and when the check
> arrived.
>
> In some cases, the money was used for bare necessities like food and to
pay
> bills.

Understood. Fortunately, that was not an issue for me. I know that's not
the same for everyone in my situation.

Leah
_____________
In memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved husband, father, heart's companion

>
>
>
> Maryilee
>
> Maggie's Christmas page
> http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/christmaspictures.html
> Info on hereditary spherocytosis
> http://www.angelfire.com/vi/maggie/spherocytosis.html

[Tom P]

It seems like it is now a new practice. People will send money instead of
flowers. If you dont' feel right to cash them but do not want to hurt
anyone's feeling, you may make a donation to the asthma foundation or
similar foundation of your choice. In your thank you card, simply indicate
how their generosity paid off.

My two cents!

"H Schinske" > wrote in message
...
> wrote:
>
> > I suspect the situation just
> >hit them hard and they wanted to do *something* but didn't
> >really know what to do.
>
> Entirely likely. If in fact your insurance will cover all the medical
stuff,
> I'd write a check to some charity. There may well be one that covers
asthma
> research or something.
>
> But I wouldn't necessarily say so to them.
>
> --Helen

[Hillary Israeli]

In >,
Wendy Marsden > wrote:

*Sidheag McCormack > wrote:
*> I'm no etiquette maven (actually the reverence that many Americans seem to
*> have for Miss Manners etc. seems really bizarre to me) but my immediate
*> reaction is that this may be a time when thinking about charity is
*> appropriate. How about donating the money to an asthma research
*> organisation, or one that supports people with asthma, and telling people
*> that you've done so in gratitude that you're OK and in the hope of reducing
*> the chances of someone else going through what you went through?
*
*I think this is a nice suggestion, but I'm a bit uncomfortable with you
*deciding that what they wanted done with the money was to donate it to
*charity. Think about what the donor's values are like: do they value good
*meals - maybe they want you to go out to dinner. Do they value a clean
*house - maybe they want you to hire housecleaning help while you're
*low. Do they value a nice yard - maybe you use the money to hire someone
*to clip your hedges for you this time.

Heh. If they valued dinner so much, they could have sent a meal or a gift
certificate. IMO if I get a check without a note it is NOT incumbent on me
to do something the giver would like with it! I mean, ok, if my dearly
beloved very religious Christian friend sent me a check, I don't think I'd
feel comfortable donating it to the We Hate Jesus foundation, but beyond
that.... a gift with strings isn't much of a gift, is it?

h.
--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large :)