Needing help

[Rachel Richard]

I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm
new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done
something wrong---

Rachel

In ,
Rachel Richard > typed:
> I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
> female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
> for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
> always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
> to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
> know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said,
> I'm new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have
> done something wrong---
>
> Rachel

What kind of things is he doing that you are calling 'hyper'? Many active
children are bored with their environment, and act up in the only why they
know how, with activity. My son was called hyper on numerous occasions, yet
was truly looking for an outlet for his energy. Have you tried some family
counseling? It sometimes helps the child to have someone other than family
to talk to. Why doesn't your son see his father? I don't know all your
circumstances, so I can't offer a whole lot of advice. Kids at your son's
age, are active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's normal
behavior, but it should not be tolerated. Simply set firm boundaries, but
pick your battles. If you are too firm on every little thing (like the
color of his socks, or how he plays with certain toys) he will become upset,
and not knowing how to tell you he will act up. I speak from experience on
that score. Also, teaching your son to express himself works well, this is
an age where children can now reveal more feelings, than just mad, sad,
happy. They learn frustration, what the word means, how it feels to be
frustrated. I hope I was able to be of some help, not knowing more about
your situation. Just hang in there, and try to stay steady with your rules.
Kids always test their boundaries, at least once.

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[Joelle]

>He is hyper and
>always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
>to try to help him

I'm not clear exactly what the problem is. From the way you said it, it sounds
pretty normal. What do you mean by hyper? It's pretty normal for 5 year old
boys to be hyper. Is he demanding a lot of your attention? That could be
normal, or he's extra clingy because he's lost his father and doesn't want to
lose you, or do you work a lot and he doesn't see much of you? Set aside the
time that you need for you, but do make sure you spend time on the floor or
outside playing with him. If you can be a bit more specific as to the problem,
maybe we can be of more help.

Joelle
If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you are doing tomorrow
Father Mike

[Tiffany]

Rachel Richard > wrote in message
...
> I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
> female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
> for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
> always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
> to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
> know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm
> new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done
> something wrong---
>
> Rachel
>

You have done nothing wrong. :)

If he is seeming to be hyper I would try to get him involved in some
activity that can help him burn up some of that energy. I know he is young
yet but there is karate, little league t-ball, stuff that like that. Watch
his diet also. Sugars, definately a no-no. :)
As for asking for his dad, just try to be patient and tell him that Dad
can't come around right now but maybe someday. Do'nt say mean things about
the missing dad, who may one day come around again.

Tiffany

[Rachel Richard]

Betsy,
What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that
he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father
left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He
nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to
come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and
far between people he will let get close to me without being right
there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond
to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can
see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get
to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there.
His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was
too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to
spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from
anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to
work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are
days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try
to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice
that you gave in the last message.

Rachel

In ,
Rachel Richard > typed:
> Betsy,
> What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think
> that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his
> father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very
> unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other
> person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us.
> There are few and far between people he will let get close to me
> without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that
> he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many
> choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to
> fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are
> many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around
> about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to
> worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with
> him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what
> I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and
> pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing
> this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him
> but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in
> the last message.
>
> Rachel

The not letting people close to you is insecurity. One way to combat that,
is to tell him you love him, out of the blue. I drive in the car with my
son, going to the doctor, or his grandparents, or school, and just say, "You
know what? I love you." It can make a world of difference. There is
nothing you can do about his father. My ex chose to terminate his parental
rights (long story short, he is a convicted felon now) and I had to deal
with telling my son something that didn't make his father out to be some
monster. I believe in telling the truth, to an extent. Ultimately my son
knows his father hurt someone, and after awhile the judge and daddy and
mommy decided it would be best for daddy not to see him anymore. It wasn't
made out to be MY choice, or his dad's choice, but a decision 'the
grown-ups' made. He's 12 now, and occasionally talks about things he used
to do with his dad. I listen, and accept what he says. It's good for him
to have good memories. As much as I dislike his father, and what he has
done with his life, and how it affected my son, my bitterness and anger will
only impact my son in a negative way. Try to be as positive as you can
about your son's dad when he asks. Tell him dad can't come visit you right
now. As far as no help from dad, there should be some avenue to pursue
child support, although it could take a long time. Kids don't need TONS of
time, just to know that the time they have is all theirs. Dinner together,
at the table, even if it's takeout. Reading a book at bedtime, bathtime, TV
time in the evenings, all can be quality time with your child. Mainly
playing with him is the best thing for his age. Throw a ball or Frisbee,
help him climb a tree (if you aren't too afraid he will break a bone) go for
a walk in the park or around the block. Let him know this is HIS time with
you. As for ADHD, I feel too many kids are diagnosed with this illness, and
they are just active kids. I had three different teachers recommend testing
for my son, and three different counselors tell me, "There is NO way this
kid is ADHD. He's just bored in school." Constantly on the go, that's
normal for kids his age. Being unable to sit still for a favorite TV
program, or through a meal, jumping from one subject to another in
conversation without making any sense, seeming like a runaway train with no
brakes when talking, these all may be signs of ADHD. I said MAY be signs.
If you see some of these behaviors, as well as a lack of fear, climbing on
furniture, or trees and jumping from high places, over and over again; your
son may well have ADHD. Otherwise, time and patience often work out best.
I have seen the most active kids settle down in just a few weeks after their
sixth birthday. In fact, one boy I know well, had seemed to me to be ADD,
not hyper, just distracted. He is now 7 and looks you in the eye during
conversations, and can really focus on things HE wants to do. That's also a
key. If you aren't doing something your son enjoys, or doesn't want to do,
he is going to act up just to get out of doing it. It's how kids are. I
know some days it feels like a never ending battle. Frustration and
helplessness, part of the deal. Try to give yourself some you time as well.
After your son is in bed, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite program, read
a book. Something you enjoy. Focus on you and your son right now. As for
the counselors that he 'didn't respond to' find a different one. That's a
load of crap if you ask me. Most counselors would say something more along
the lines of, "He has problems I am not trained to handle." Any counselor
who puts the blame on the patient for lack of response (unless the patient
isn't following the treatment plan) isn't a good counselor. I urge you to
find one that works with kids, if you still feel the need. My son and I
have been in and out of counseling over the years, and it has been a good
benefit for us. It might not work well for everyone though. We went mainly
in times of crisis, or at least he felt crisis. Starting school, big
adjustment period, when dad terminated his parental rights, when he was
fondled by my male roommate (who later killed himself), and now going
through puberty. Life as a single parent is rough, but it's well worth the
hard work. Just know you are doing your best for your son, and tell him you
love him. The rest will fall into place as it is meant to. OK enough
rambling from me over here. Geez I can get long winded can't I?

Good thoughts coming your way,
Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[CME]

"Rachel Richard" > wrote in message
...
> Betsy,
> What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think that
> he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his father
> left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very unsure. He
> nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other person tries to
> come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us. There are few and
> far between people he will let get close to me without being right
> there. I have tried conseling but they said that he just did not respond
> to them. Where we live you do not have many choices of people you can
> see. We live in a little town and have to fravel 30 minutes just to get
> to the nearest town, and then there are many doctors of any sort there.
> His father just quit coming around about a year and a half ago, he was
> too busy with his new life to worry about the old one he had. I try to
> spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from
> anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to
> work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are
> days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try
> to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice
> that you gave in the last message.
>
> Rachel
>

I definitely think what you are feeling is normal, but don't let it
overwhelm you. He really needs you, and it sounds like he's afraid he's
going to lose you (a justifiable feeling for him, considering.) Counselling
sounds like a good plan, and as far as him not 'responding' to them, how
many sessions are we talking about? It took my boys a number of years to
get over what happened to them, and I still see residual effects but on the
whole we're doing great, so things will get better for you guys.

Christine

[CME]

> wrote in message
. com...
> In ,
> Rachel Richard > typed:
> > Betsy,
> > What I mean by hyper is he always on the go. Some people think
> > that he may be ADHD but most of this did not start until after his
> > father left. I'm not saying he's not but at this time I am very
> > unsure. He nevers wants to let me get very far and if any other
> > person tries to come very close to me, he tries to get inbetween us.
> > There are few and far between people he will let get close to me
> > without being right there. I have tried conseling but they said that
> > he just did not respond to them. Where we live you do not have many
> > choices of people you can see. We live in a little town and have to
> > fravel 30 minutes just to get to the nearest town, and then there are
> > many doctors of any sort there. His father just quit coming around
> > about a year and a half ago, he was too busy with his new life to
> > worry about the old one he had. I try to spend what time I can with
> > him but being on my own with no help from anyone else, you know what
> > I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to work to make ends meet and
> > pay to bills. It just seems that there are days I feel I am doing
> > this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try to be firm with him
> > but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice that you gave in
> > the last message.
> >
> > Rachel
>
> The not letting people close to you is insecurity. One way to combat
that,
> is to tell him you love him, out of the blue. I drive in the car with my
> son, going to the doctor, or his grandparents, or school, and just say,
"You
> know what? I love you." It can make a world of difference. There is
> nothing you can do about his father. My ex chose to terminate his
parental
> rights (long story short, he is a convicted felon now) and I had to deal
> with telling my son something that didn't make his father out to be some
> monster. I believe in telling the truth, to an extent. Ultimately my son
> knows his father hurt someone, and after awhile the judge and daddy and
> mommy decided it would be best for daddy not to see him anymore. It
wasn't
> made out to be MY choice, or his dad's choice, but a decision 'the
> grown-ups' made. He's 12 now, and occasionally talks about things he used
> to do with his dad. I listen, and accept what he says. It's good for him
> to have good memories. As much as I dislike his father, and what he has
> done with his life, and how it affected my son, my bitterness and anger
will
> only impact my son in a negative way. Try to be as positive as you can
> about your son's dad when he asks. Tell him dad can't come visit you
right
> now. As far as no help from dad, there should be some avenue to pursue
> child support, although it could take a long time. Kids don't need TONS
of
> time, just to know that the time they have is all theirs. Dinner
together,
> at the table, even if it's takeout. Reading a book at bedtime, bathtime,
TV
> time in the evenings, all can be quality time with your child. Mainly
> playing with him is the best thing for his age. Throw a ball or Frisbee,
> help him climb a tree (if you aren't too afraid he will break a bone) go
for
> a walk in the park or around the block. Let him know this is HIS time
with
> you. As for ADHD, I feel too many kids are diagnosed with this illness,
and
> they are just active kids. I had three different teachers recommend
testing
> for my son, and three different counselors tell me, "There is NO way this
> kid is ADHD. He's just bored in school." Constantly on the go, that's
> normal for kids his age. Being unable to sit still for a favorite TV
> program, or through a meal, jumping from one subject to another in
> conversation without making any sense, seeming like a runaway train with
no
> brakes when talking, these all may be signs of ADHD. I said MAY be signs.
> If you see some of these behaviors, as well as a lack of fear, climbing on
> furniture, or trees and jumping from high places, over and over again;
your
> son may well have ADHD. Otherwise, time and patience often work out best.
> I have seen the most active kids settle down in just a few weeks after
their
> sixth birthday. In fact, one boy I know well, had seemed to me to be ADD,
> not hyper, just distracted. He is now 7 and looks you in the eye during
> conversations, and can really focus on things HE wants to do. That's also
a
> key. If you aren't doing something your son enjoys, or doesn't want to
do,
> he is going to act up just to get out of doing it. It's how kids are. I
> know some days it feels like a never ending battle. Frustration and
> helplessness, part of the deal. Try to give yourself some you time as
well.
> After your son is in bed, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite program,
read
> a book. Something you enjoy. Focus on you and your son right now. As
for
> the counselors that he 'didn't respond to' find a different one. That's a
> load of crap if you ask me. Most counselors would say something more
along
> the lines of, "He has problems I am not trained to handle." Any counselor
> who puts the blame on the patient for lack of response (unless the patient
> isn't following the treatment plan) isn't a good counselor. I urge you to
> find one that works with kids, if you still feel the need. My son and I
> have been in and out of counseling over the years, and it has been a good
> benefit for us. It might not work well for everyone though. We went
mainly
> in times of crisis, or at least he felt crisis. Starting school, big
> adjustment period, when dad terminated his parental rights, when he was
> fondled by my male roommate (who later killed himself), and now going
> through puberty. Life as a single parent is rough, but it's well worth
the
> hard work. Just know you are doing your best for your son, and tell him
you
> love him. The rest will fall into place as it is meant to. OK enough
> rambling from me over here. Geez I can get long winded can't I?
>
> Good thoughts coming your way,
> Betsy
> --
> Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
> ketchup.
>
>

Not long winded, you offered some excellent advice and it's helpful to hear
it from people who've been there.

Christine

[Rachel Richard]

Betsy,
You may be long winded but that is alright, you have just let me in
on a few possibilities that couldn't hurt. I tell him as much as I can
that I love him. He is the greatest part of my life and I know it my
sound crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him when my ex
left me. There were days that I just felt the world was coming down on
me and then I would look at him and know that he needed his mother to be
strong for him as well as herself. Thanks for the advice about all.
There aren't many people I can talk to around here, first all of because
I don't get to get out much and second because most of my friends have
never had to deal with divorce and raising a child on their own. Again
thanks for responding and hope to talk to you again.

Rachel

[©kat©]

I cannot relate at all to the divorce part, so I won't even pretend, but I
can relate 100% to the part about being a single parent. I don't think it
sounds crazy at all to wonder what you would do without your child. I know
for a fact that I could NOT live without my son. I've often heard or read
in the news about, for whatever the reasons may be, parents losing their
children. I honestly do not think I could survive if my son was gone. In
all honesty, I do not believe I would have anything to live for, other than
my son. I do not think you are, or even sound, crazy for not knowing what
you would do without your own son - be it after a divorce or any other
reason.
I always say, "I love you!" and I when it's bed time, I say it again, then
every time I check the bedroom through the evening and before I go to bed.
Every time we get into the car and do up the car seat, I lean over, give a
kiss and say 'I love you' again. When we drive somewhere, I often flip the
mirror down to the night vision, which is exactly the position to see the
middle seat in the back of the car, and I smile and say 'I love you.' Maybe
this is crazy, but it's the truth and I don't ever forget it. You never
know what can happen in 10 minutes, 5 minutes or 5 seconds.



"Rachel Richard" wrote in message ...
> Betsy,
> You may be long winded but that is alright, you have just let me in
> on a few possibilities that couldn't hurt. I tell him as much as I can
> that I love him. He is the greatest part of my life and I know it my
> sound crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him when my ex
> left me. There were days that I just felt the world was coming down on
> me and then I would look at him and know that he needed his mother to be
> strong for him as well as herself. Thanks for the advice about all.
> There aren't many people I can talk to around here, first all of because
> I don't get to get out much and second because most of my friends have
> never had to deal with divorce and raising a child on their own. Again
> thanks for responding and hope to talk to you again.
>
> Rachel
>
>

[KEITH CRABILL]

man im lucky my boys mom walked out on us oct 3,1999.havent heard from
here since the weekend befor thanksgiving,2001.my 2 boys r 6 and 7 yrs
old.rarely do they ask for their mom.but when they do ask where she is i
just tell them i dont know.and that usually ends it.its gets stressful
some especially now cause my 6 yr old jordan is getting over what seems
to be the 24 hrs virus,grrrrrr hate when my babies get sick.but hang in
there and try to stay patient ( i should be telling myself that lol)but
im 38 m goldsboro nc.hang in there ok

[[email protected]]

In article >, Rachel
Richard says...
>
>I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
>female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
>for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
>always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
>to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
>know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm
>new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done
>something wrong---
>
>Rachel

My daughter is a beautiful and very mellow child. She is precocious and
undemanding. Even with that, I couldn't work, go to school, and be a mom without
my parent's help. I would have to quit school.

Liz

[Joelle]

>My daughter is a beautiful and very mellow child. She is precocious and
>undemanding. Even with that, I couldn't work, go to school, and be a mom
>without
>my parent's help. I would have to quit school.

And this is supposed to help or encourage Rachel with her problem because....

Joelle
If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you are doing tomorrow
Father Mike

[dolores]

"Rachel Richard" > wrote in message
...
snip

I try to
> spend what time I can with him but being on my own with no help from
> anyone else, you know what I mean, sometimes makes it hard. I have to
> work to make ends meet and pay to bills. It just seems that there are
> days I feel I am doing this for nothing. Is that normal or what? I try
> to be firm with him but it is so hard sometimes. Thanks for the advice
> that you gave in the last message.
>
> Rachel

Rachel, when I first became a single parent. I lived in UK. Knew nobody,
the lads father had dissapeared. I was left with not a scrap of furniture,
clothes, delph blah blah blah......I had a roof over my head.....and not a
thing in the house. I spent 24/7/52 with my sons. xmas was all junk from
carboot sales etc etc......This went on from when my youngest was 1yr until
they went to school. I had plenty of time to feel sorry for myself.....but
knew that this would achieve nothing I had to get up and sort myself out.
It meant waiting 4 years though.

Those years of waiting were the hardest years I had ever known. I used to
think of the future and saw days upon days of emptiness ahead of me,
poverty, sadness, anger, grief, heartache and bitterness. The only thing I
could do was focus on the boys and be the best parent I knew how. Not that
I had anyone to help me, my family were in Ireland and the only person I
knew in the UK was a crap friend. And there were days when my parenting left
a lot to be desired too. But I stumbled along, and spend a whole lot of time
in the park. It was the only place I could put more than 5ft of space
between us, and God knows I needed that break.

Once my youngest was in full time school I went to college. Some days I
hadnt the money for the bus so I walked come hail rain or snow......I knew
this was my only route out of the poverty trap and was hell bent on
succeeding. Failure was not an option.

Anyway, I did succeed. Graduated with a few awards and got a job. Last
year I sold my house in UK and moved to Ireland. I now own my house
outright, I achieved all the goals I set myself all those years ago. It
wasn't easy and somedays I really was so tired I would just as easily have
given up. Thank God I didnt...

I really and truly can understand your feelings Rachel, but believe me, it
will get better. But, it will only get better if you make it get better.
And you have to be clear about what you want to achieve, then set about
doing it/getting it...be it a better paid job or making your employer
upskill you or whatever.

As for your little boy, what you have to keep in mind is you dont want to
get 5/7/9 years down the line and look back at when your son was little and
regret something e.g. being overly angry with him or whatever. If you feel
something your doing is wrong then try to think how you are going to feel
about it tomorrow, next week, next year. Remember that this little boy
completely and utterly relies on you and loves you. You are his one and only
role model and is really intune with you.

He's only small (is he a 5 year old) and probably has boundless energy which
needs some form of release....Only you can find solutions to that as we are
not familiar with your environment. Unfortunately too many people are only
too quick to use ADHD when the child is just simply energetic. God!..if the
doctors got their hands on my kids they would have had them sectioned.

I dont know if he is a mature 5 y/o or not, but he may well be too young to
discuss his father, but if the subject comes up just listen and try to
understand what he is trying to say. I remember when my youngest was about
three.....I was in the bath and he came into the bathroom to wash his
hands....out of the blue he made some horrible comment about his dad ...in a
very blase manner. I was totally gobsmacked (as I never ever made bad
comments about their dad) and just as quick as he said it, he'd forgotten
it. I think maybe he just happened to remember something and
commented......

Kids are strange at the best of times.

Anyway, dont know if this is much help to you, other than to let you know
that you are not alone in your feeling. many others have been there and
come out the other side...a hell of a lot stronger too.....keep going and
hold your head up, you'll get there too with a bit of determination and
grit. And look how proud of yourself you'll be,not to mention how proud
your son will be.

Sorry for long ramble...wasnt intended.

Dolores

Dolores

>> Kids at your son's age, are
>> active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's normal
>> behavior, but it should not be tolerated.
>
> I just cant agree with you there. It SHOULD be tolerated......and
> encouraged......Kids cant be good well balanced adults if they're not
> allowed to be real children....And being a real child involves all the
> above....without stricture, unless it would endanger them or cause
> offence to any party. As long as they know the boundaries (which
> shouldn't be too restrictive) they will be ok. Why are modern day
> parents so hell bent on controlling every move their child
> makes......All we're doing is storing up problems for their
> teenage/adults years.
>

OK I didn't clarify myself well. I just meant there are certain situations
where it shouldn't be tolerated. Kids need to be taught about proper
behavior in certain settings. I used to let my son into the backyard, and
run around wild and crazy, while I watched to make sure he didn't hurt
himself. But I did not allow my son to run around wild and crazy if we were
at church, or at the grocery store. Many the time I had to take him
directly home, and leave him with one of my parents (luckily I had that
option) just so I could get the shopping done. He learned over time that he
needed to behave in a certain manner at the store. I don't mean quiet as a
mouse, not asking for anything, not speaking...etc. I meant not running
away from me, throwing things in the cart, screaming at the top of his
lungs. That was what I meant about not tolerating certain behaviors. I
apologize for any misunderstanding

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[Laura]

"dolores" > wrote in message >...


> Anyway, dont know if this is much help to you, other than to let you know
> that you are not alone in your feeling. many others have been there and
> come out the other side...a hell of a lot stronger too.....keep going and
> hold your head up, you'll get there too with a bit of determination and
> grit. And look how proud of yourself you'll be,not to mention how proud
> your son will be.
>
> Sorry for long ramble...wasnt intended.


Maybe not intended but so nicely said. I'm coming out of some pretty
dark years too (I have an actual mortgage application pending -- five
years ago I was facing foreclosure!) and I would tell the OP the same
thing. It's not going to happen without a whole helluva lot of work
and you really can't depend on other people to help you (some will,
but that's gravy, you can't rely on it) and even the good stuff will
sneak up on you and suddenly you realize hey, I slept 7 hours last
night!

In the meantime, take lots and lots of pictures -- I've found it's the
best way to remind myself that *this* moment is special. I've gone up
to a year without actually developing rolls of film for lack of funds
(which just makes finally developing them an extra treat).

lm

[dolores]

"Laura" > wrote in message
om...
> "dolores" > wrote in message
>...
>
>
> > Anyway, dont know if this is much help to you, other than to let you
know
> > that you are not alone in your feeling. many others have been there and
> > come out the other side...a hell of a lot stronger too.....keep going
and
> > hold your head up, you'll get there too with a bit of determination and
> > grit. And look how proud of yourself you'll be,not to mention how proud
> > your son will be.
> >
> > Sorry for long ramble...wasnt intended.
>
>
> Maybe not intended but so nicely said. I'm coming out of some pretty
> dark years too (I have an actual mortgage application pending -- five
> years ago I was facing foreclosure!) and I would tell the OP the same
> thing. It's not going to happen without a whole helluva lot of work
> and you really can't depend on other people to help you (some will,
> but that's gravy, you can't rely on it) and even the good stuff will
> sneak up on you and suddenly you realize hey, I slept 7 hours last
> night!

Mind you, tis easy for us that are looking back with the wisdom of hindsight
( I consider myself not quite there yet though.....cos I've got teenage
years strolling in my front gate....and I'm terrified). When you're
actually climing the hill it's a different ballgame, especially for the
younger single parents. Unfortunately there are a lot of teen single parents
( and plenty of older s/parents) that wont, cant or dont want to put in the
time, hard work and effort that is required. A lot of them expect
everything to be handed to them on a plate. Unfortunately they have the
same attitude towards parenting too. Not that I think this is a trait
peculiar to s/p's either......hell no!!.....there are a damn sight more
married/partners parents out there that are downright crap at it ...in fact
I know married couples that should have been sterilised at birth.

>
> In the meantime, take lots and lots of pictures -- I've found it's the
> best way to remind myself that *this* moment is special. I've gone up
> to a year without actually developing rolls of film for lack of funds
> (which just makes finally developing them an extra treat).
>
> lm

lolol....my lads were just talking about the camera the other day.....I used
to take loads of pics, and like you had a stash of them to have developed.
My youngest son though broke the camera and I just never think to get it
replaced.......I'd love a camcorder though.

Dolores

[dolores]

> wrote in message
. com...
>
> >> Kids at your son's age, are
> >> active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's normal
> >> behavior, but it should not be tolerated.
> >
> > I just cant agree with you there. It SHOULD be tolerated......and
> > encouraged......Kids cant be good well balanced adults if they're not
> > allowed to be real children....And being a real child involves all the
> > above....without stricture, unless it would endanger them or cause
> > offence to any party. As long as they know the boundaries (which
> > shouldn't be too restrictive) they will be ok. Why are modern day
> > parents so hell bent on controlling every move their child
> > makes......All we're doing is storing up problems for their
> > teenage/adults years.
> >
>
> OK I didn't clarify myself well. I just meant there are certain
situations
> where it shouldn't be tolerated. Kids need to be taught about proper
> behavior in certain settings. I used to let my son into the backyard, and
> run around wild and crazy, while I watched to make sure he didn't hurt
> himself. But I did not allow my son to run around wild and crazy if we
were
> at church, or at the grocery store. Many the time I had to take him
> directly home, and leave him with one of my parents (luckily I had that
> option) just so I could get the shopping done. He learned over time that
he
> needed to behave in a certain manner at the store. I don't mean quiet as
a
> mouse, not asking for anything, not speaking...etc. I meant not running
> away from me, throwing things in the cart, screaming at the top of his
> lungs. That was what I meant about not tolerating certain behaviors. I
> apologize for any misunderstanding
>
> Betsy
> --
> Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
> ketchup.

No apology necessary Betsy. I kinda had a feeling that maybe I had
misunderstood, but I was really tired last night and not really paying
attention, so maybe I should be more careful in my replies. Not much better
tonight either, had a night on the town tonight and it's now 4am, but cos I
was driving and had nothing to drink I'm wide awake, but knackered, if that
makes any sense. It's a cold night and am just waiting for the electric
blanket to make the bed nice and cosy.........lol

Ah ****e I'm just blatherin' now....

Dolores


>
>

[Rachel Richard]

Try having to see it. I work in a hospital and about 1 month ago we had
a 2 year old come into the hospital doa because he had hung himself on a
car window. The mother thought he was asleep in the room but he walked
outside to the car, climbed in somehow, got in the back seat and was
playing apparently and slipped and caught his throat on the car window
that was half way down and he died. Talk about heart breaking. All I
could picture was that they would have had to bury me right along with
him. He is all I have in this life.

Rachel

[Rachel Richard]

I don't have a choice but to work, money doesn't grow on my trees and
the bills don't stop coming. My parent are live saves thou. My son was
in preschool and they would watch him for me until I get home from work
instead of having to find a sitter that you can trust. I know how
special they are to me also.

Rachel

[Tiffany]

Rachel Richard > wrote in message
...
> Try having to see it. I work in a hospital and about 1 month ago we had
> a 2 year old come into the hospital doa because he had hung himself on a
> car window. The mother thought he was asleep in the room but he walked
> outside to the car, climbed in somehow, got in the back seat and was
> playing apparently and slipped and caught his throat on the car window
> that was half way down and he died. Talk about heart breaking. All I
> could picture was that they would have had to bury me right along with
> him. He is all I have in this life.
>
> Rachel
>

Wow... I couldn't work around that. I am glad there are those who can!

T

[Rachel Richard]

It's not always easy, there are days I could run out crying and never
come back, but those days that we save the lives is what keep you there
trying to help in anyway you can---
Rachel

[Rachel Richard]

No Ms Betsy you can't stop hi growth but I would love to just keep mine
young. My mom use to tell me when I left home that one day I would have
a child and get to have all the joys and sadness that she had with us.
Now I do know how hard it is to watch your child grow up and know that
one day he will leave me like I left my mom and dad. I know it may sound
crazy but he is all I have to call mine. I love him more that I can say,
he is what I live for. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the advice
you and everyone else has given. Some may help, we'll have to see. lol
and be careful today. Happy 4th of July.

Rachel

[©kat©]

"Rachel Richard" > wrote in message
...
> Try having to see it. I work in a hospital and about 1 month ago we had
> a 2 year old come into the hospital doa because he had hung himself on a
> car window. The mother thought he was asleep in the room but he walked
> outside to the car, climbed in somehow, got in the back seat and was
> playing apparently and slipped and caught his throat on the car window
> that was half way down and he died. Talk about heart breaking. All I
> could picture was that they would have had to bury me right along with
> him. He is all I have in this life.
>
> Rachel
>


Actually, within the last couple weeks or so, a toddler got strangled in the
ropes of the blinds and the mother called 911 for help, but the child ended
up dying. I do not remember all the details, but very similar to what you
said above, and much closer to home from me. I could not work in any line
of work that involves people dying or even hurt on an even close to regular
basis. I've never liked doctors, but I definitely have so much respect for
the nurses, doctors, EMTs, even the police and fire fighters.

[dolores]

> wrote in message
...
> In ,
> dolores > typed:
> > > wrote in message
> > . com...

snipped......even though is a pain in the arse....I am kind and considerate
to those that have to pay/min..........and those that read slow......YAH
LISTEN' Mickey Mouse??HUH?

> >
> > Ah ****e I'm just blatherin' now....
> >
> > Dolores
>
> Blather away. Sometimes it's good for me to see replies like yours. It
> makes me remember I have to think and be clear in my posts as well. In
> person, you can say things, and your inflection, or the circumstances
> leading up to those statements make clarification unnecessary. Here in a
> newsgroup, however, one must remember the written word can not always
carry
> inflection or sarcasm.

LOL......I really wish that were true sometimes.....but then again it
wouldn't such fun. Some posters are really good at posts loaded with sarcasm
etc etc.....I just type as I speak.....lol....with an Irish
Accent......(capital letters to represent the superiority of Irishness to
aaaaany other nationality........)<wink>

Things I tend to forget when I get 'on a roll' in a
> post. I am dealing with the pre-teen angst as well as you are Dolores.

LOL.....Scary!!....Isnt it? But I've just left city life for a really really
remote location in west of Ireland. The difference is amazing.....In
contrast to any day in UK, today I have absolutely no idea where excatly my
kids are....I know they're with a neighbouring farmer since 10am (it's now
8pm)......doing the turf or some such job......but it's great, I'm not
breaking out in a sweat cos they're not in my line of sight and they are
doing something constructive as well as healthy and
active.......hmmmm....well apart from them coming home every evening
literally covered in cows ****e......lol


> Maybe we can get together and whine about it, and share what works for the
> other...and get through it together.

Oh that would be great Betsy!.....cos I really am on my own when it comes to
dealing with teenagers as a beginner.....

Isn't that what support is about? I
> vent, and whine, and complain, but in the end I am the only one that can
> deal with my life.

Ditto.....but I try not to complain.....cos if I start I cant stop once the
momentum gets welly behind it!!.....And to be honest I consider myself very
very lucky when I look around and see what *real* problems some parents
have......e.g. watching your baby die of malnutrition or having to sell your
daughter to feed the family.......Non of us have any right to moan. My lads
are healthy, happy and know there's food in the fridge and can sleep in bed
with out fear......Too many of us in Western civilisation take this for
granted......In actual fact it's a luxury if you look at the statistic
(sorry no webpage to support it.....too lazy)

I like to hear what others say, and especially those
> that are currently in (or close to) the same situation as myself. Single
> parent of a pre-teen. Some days I want to shout to the world, "Look at
what
> a wonderful person my son is." And others, I want to lock him in a
closet,
> because he is a pain!! I never lock him up, of course. So please people
> don't misread me there! LOL!

lolol.......you wait! someone will!!

The worst thing I did yesterday was tell my
> son he couldn't keep going on his walk. He had left the house without
> telling me he was going for a walk. He is capable of going, and knows his
> boundaries. There are sidewalks all the way along the street, between the
> two cross streets. After that, the sidewalks disappear, and he can't go
> there, simply because of the traffic. People use these streets as
> thoroughfares, to avoid the traffic congestion on the major highway (just
> one block west of my house) and they don't care about the speed limit, or
if
> anyone is walking along the side of the road. So, I made the boy come
> inside and stay there. Just, I feel I might have altered his desire to
just
> "go for a walk" because he got punished. I told him I thought it was
great
> he wanted to walk, but that he had to tell me first, before he left. I
also
> need to figure out if I can raise the seat on his bicycle, or if I need to
> by this rapidly growing adolescent a new one. The kid is nearly as tall
as
> I am, and he is only 12 1/2.

Ditto that with my Ronan.....he's 13 (will be 14 in October) wears size 9
shoes and is as tall as me.......I actually wore one of his tshirts out
pubbing last night (put it back reeking of Armani Elle, before he got up and
going to suggest he wears it to town with me.......I'm really not such a
nice mother....LOL). He's generally a really good boy.....but I miss my
little 2 year old Ronan.....He was sooooo *sweet*.....I have a cassette of
him saying *Mammy!...I'm really tired....can I go to bed
now?.....Aaaah......

Now its "RONAN!!!......It's midnight.....If yer not in bed in 5 I'm going to
get angry!.....

I have a feeling I will be dwarfed by him
> before long. Can we put bricks on their heads or something to stop the
> growth?? LOL.

I reckon mine are secretly drinking the tomato feed when my backs
turned.....I cant keep up with the amount of food they eat. Ronan is fairly
slim but even an elephant cant pack it away the way he can......Kailin, my
11 y/o just simply *grazes* his way through the day......nonstop!!
>
> Now who's blatherin'??

Me!...Again!
>
> Betsy
> --
> Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
> ketchup.

*Still* think this is the best sig I've seen yet!!.....Used it on the kids a
couple of times.........lolol.....they thought it was really funny!!

Dolores
>
>

[Rachel Richard]

I know what you mean about having hit close to home. Children can get
hurt in so many ways. We had a 5 year old get killed out here last year,
she woke up and heard her dad leaving for work, they believe she decided
she wanted to go see him and went after him outside. He was out of the
driveway and she ran onto the road and she was struck be a car doing 65
on a very foggy morning. I couldn't even imagine the hurt they have had
since that day. Kids have a mind of their own, sometimes they believe
they are doing good but it can be deadly for them.

Rachel

In ,
dolores > typed:
> > wrote in message
> ...
>> In ,
>> dolores > typed:
>>> > wrote in message
>>> . com...
>
>
> *Still* think this is the best sig I've seen yet!!.....Used it on the
> kids a couple of times.........lolol.....they thought it was really
> funny!!
>
> Dolores

I have another one on my outgoing email that says..."May the forces of evil
become confused on the way to your doorstep." I like that too. I am going
to look for some others sometime, in my spare time, when I am not working,
well that would be now, but I have to go have a barbeque at my parents, and
set of fireworks cuz it's 'tradition.'

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[Dennis Here]

dolores wrote in message ...
>
> wrote in message
>> Kids at your son's
>> age, are active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's normal
>> behavior, but it should not be tolerated.
>
>I just cant agree with you there. It SHOULD be tolerated......and
>encouraged......Kids cant be good well balanced adults if they're not
>allowed to be real children....And being a real child involves all the
>above....without stricture, unless it would endanger them or cause offence
>to any party. As long as they know the boundaries (which shouldn't be too
>restrictive) they will be ok. Why are modern day parents so hell bent on
>controlling every move their child makes......All we're doing is storing up
>problems for their teenage/adults years.


I know Betsy has already explained herself better but I can assure everyone
that there are many parents out there who do not let "kids be kids". Two
years ago Freddie and I stayed with his godparents and their two girls (also
my god-daughters). ALL toys were confined to the bedroom at all times! Not
even a rubber duck in the bathroom! The kids bedroom had to be tidied every
night as well! Bicycles, when not being actually ridden, had to be parked
properly in the garage, no chance of popping in for a pee whilst leaving the
bike at the door.
One morning the three children, mother and I went for a walk following a
night of heavy rain. The pavement was covered in huge puddles which the two
girls dutifully walked around keeping their pristine wellingtons nice and
clean. I called all the children together and pointed out a very large
puddle just ahead of us and then said in a stern voice that they were not
allowed to jump in it. The girls demurely said OK but Freddie asked why not?
"Because I'm going to jump in it! I shouted with enthusiasm and promptly did
a big two footer and drenched them all!
For the next half hour the three kids and I jumped into every puddle we saw
and the two girls shrieked with laughter and abandonment for the first time
in the three days we were there and probably for the first time in months.
I agree wholeheartedly with Dolores, let kids be kids, in fact I'd go
further, encourage them and join in.

Dennis

[Tiffany]

Dennis Here oureply>
wrote in message ...
>
> dolores wrote in message ...
> >
> > wrote in message
snipped

> let kids be kids, in fact I'd go
> further, encourage them and join in.
>
> Dennis
>
>

I wish my dad was as fun as you seem to be. :)

T

[Joelle]

>All I
>> could picture was that they would have had to bury me right along with
>> him. He is all I have in this life.
>>

I understand that feeling but you might want to be careful about how much you
express that. That's a terrible burden to lay on your son.

Joelle

In ,
Dennis Here oureply>
typed:
> dolores wrote in message ...
>>
>> > wrote in message
>>> Kids at your son's
>>> age, are active, inquisitive, and sometimes just plain wild. It's
>>> normal behavior, but it should not be tolerated.
>>
>> I just cant agree with you there. It SHOULD be tolerated......and
>> encouraged......Kids cant be good well balanced adults if they're not
>> allowed to be real children....And being a real child involves all
>> the above....without stricture, unless it would endanger them or
>> cause offence to any party. As long as they know the boundaries
>> (which shouldn't be too restrictive) they will be ok. Why are
>> modern day parents so hell bent on controlling every move their
>> child makes......All we're doing is storing up problems for their
>> teenage/adults years.
>
>
> I know Betsy has already explained herself better but I can assure
> everyone that there are many parents out there who do not let "kids
> be kids". Two years ago Freddie and I stayed with his godparents and
> their two girls (also my god-daughters). ALL toys were confined to
> the bedroom at all times! Not even a rubber duck in the bathroom! The
> kids bedroom had to be tidied every night as well! Bicycles, when not
> being actually ridden, had to be parked properly in the garage, no
> chance of popping in for a pee whilst leaving the bike at the door.
> One morning the three children, mother and I went for a walk
> following a night of heavy rain. The pavement was covered in huge
> puddles which the two girls dutifully walked around keeping their
> pristine wellingtons nice and clean. I called all the children
> together and pointed out a very large puddle just ahead of us and
> then said in a stern voice that they were not allowed to jump in it.
> The girls demurely said OK but Freddie asked why not? "Because I'm
> going to jump in it! I shouted with enthusiasm and promptly did a big
> two footer and drenched them all!
> For the next half hour the three kids and I jumped into every puddle
> we saw and the two girls shrieked with laughter and abandonment for
> the first time in the three days we were there and probably for the
> first time in months. I agree wholeheartedly with Dolores, let kids
> be kids, in fact I'd go further, encourage them and join in.
>
> Dennis

Well said, Dennis. I would have done the same thing.

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[dolores]

"Dennis Here" oureply>
wrote in message ...
>
> dolores wrote in message ...
> >
> > wrote in message

Snip

Why are modern day parents so hell bent on
> >controlling every move their child makes......All we're doing is storing
up
> >problems for their teenage/adults years.
>
>
> I know Betsy has already explained herself better but I can assure
everyone
> that there are many parents out there who do not let "kids be kids". Two
> years ago Freddie and I stayed with his godparents and their two girls
(also
> my god-daughters). ALL toys were confined to the bedroom at all times! Not
> even a rubber duck in the bathroom! The kids bedroom had to be tidied
every
> night as well! Bicycles, when not being actually ridden, had to be parked
> properly in the garage, no chance of popping in for a pee whilst leaving
the
> bike at the door.

Oh God!..... I know soooo many parents that are like that!!....They drive me
mad......I cant for the life of me work out why it is these people think it
is good manners, or a sign of a being good, if a child never steps of line.

> One morning the three children, mother and I went for a walk following a
> night of heavy rain. The pavement was covered in huge puddles which the
two
> girls dutifully walked around keeping their pristine wellingtons nice and
> clean. I called all the children together and pointed out a very large
> puddle just ahead of us and then said in a stern voice that they were not
> allowed to jump in it. The girls demurely said OK but Freddie asked why
not?
> "Because I'm going to jump in it! I shouted with enthusiasm and promptly
did
> a big two footer and drenched them all!
> For the next half hour the three kids and I jumped into every puddle we
saw
> and the two girls shrieked with laughter and abandonment for the first
time
> in the three days we were there and probably for the first time in months.


What did the mother do/say?.....she must have nearly had a heartattack?.....

> I agree wholeheartedly with Dolores, let kids be kids, in fact I'd go
> further, encourage them and join in.

I agree with me too!!......lolol.....and why couldn't Des have been more
like you Dennis.....last time he saw them I let him have them for the
day.......Guess what he did?....

he took them round the town visiting Banks, that he had accounts
in.....Kailin said he was never so bored in all his life........then things
got really exciting.....he thought he'd really show them a good
time......and brought them to a shoe shop!!.....it ended up in an arugement
cos kailin didn't want the shoes Des was buying him......Kailin wanted a
cheaper pair......Des told him that *he* was paying for them and Kailin
would have to take what he got.......So, Kailin got the reciept off him and
I took him to town the next Saturday to change them......

Well......I made a couple of bucks off him.....and bought a fart bag for
Kailin!!!...

Dolores



>
>

[Dennis Here]

Rachel Richard wrote in message

I am new at this so please bare with me if I do this wrong. I am a 34
female from Louisiana and have a 5 year old son. I have been divorced
for 2 years and my son does not see his father at all. He is hyper and
always seeming to try to get on my last nerve. Any suggestions on what
to try to help him? He still asks for his dad every now and then but I
know he does miss him but he doesn't say much about it. Like I said, I'm
new to this discuss group thing so please bare with me if I have done
something wrong---
__________________________________________________

Sorry for the delay but I drafted you into a folder and forgot to look in
it!
Five year olds can be a bit of a handful all right. They are just too young
to be independent and too old to ignore! Actually I would be somewhat
concerned if a five you. was not hyper what with the whole world to
discover. Is he at school yet? they tend to settle a bit then and start to
make friends of their own. This can have huge advantages for both of you as
you should be able to invite those friends around to your house. I have
found it much less demanding to have two or three here than just my son as
they tend to amuse each other. There is also the added bonus of Freddie
going off to play at their houses giving me a welcome break and a chance to
do some work without him wanting to "help".
No, you are not doing anything wrong, your son is just being a normal five
year old. It gets worse!

Dennis

[Rachel Richard]

Yes he has been in school, two years worth. He was 3 and did not talk
clearly so I had him tested and they suggested preschool to get him
around others. It helped some the first year and now you can't shut him
up. Thanks for the advice--
Rachel

Keep looking up and smile, Someone up the loves us!!!

[dolores]

"Dennis Here" oureply>
wrote in message ...
>
> dolores wrote in message ...
> >
> >"Dennis Here" wrote in message
>
> >
> >> One morning the three children, mother and I went for a walk following
a
> >> night of heavy rain. The pavement was covered in huge puddles which the
> >two
> >> girls dutifully walked around keeping their pristine wellingtons nice
and
> >> clean. I called all the children together and pointed out a very large
> >> puddle just ahead of us and then said in a stern voice that they were
not
> >> allowed to jump in it. The girls demurely said OK but Freddie asked why
> >not?
> >> "Because I'm going to jump in it! I shouted with enthusiasm and
promptly
> >did
> >> a big two footer and drenched them all!
> >> For the next half hour the three kids and I jumped into every puddle we
> >saw
> >> and the two girls shrieked with laughter and abandonment for the first
> >time
> >> in the three days we were there and probably for the first time in
> months.
> >
> >
> >What did the mother do/say?.....she must have nearly had a
> heartattack?.....
>
>
> That was the best bit, she was gobsmacked at first with a look of abject
> horror on her face but she slowly saw the funny side of it. She didn't
join
> in though. She is an accountant, says it all really ;-)

LMAO.....it does, yes!!

Dolores
>
>