OT - on a lighter note

[dolores]

Man!.....this place is droll these days......a little something more light
spirited.........


A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one
hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says "Gotcha!"

=======================

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and
the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear
goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is
empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in
his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It
is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving
hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For goodness's
sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?

I haven't made the porridge yet!!"


Dolores

[dolores]

Got another.....under all the crap and rambling of a bored housewife
(ooopps...housemaker)...lol

Okay!!......I'm bored!!!, I havent seen the two lads all week, they've been
off with the farmer working and having a ball. They're gone at 10am and
dont get home until 10pm, covered in cow**** and dead tired. They shower and
go to bed. They dont even eat here now. Tisn't even a hotel here.....tis a
mere Bed and Breakfast....my fridge is now an Art Gallery....They look and
hum and haw.....then leave!....

All I've got is our cat "Doris" and her kitten for company and tons of
housework. I hope ye are all heartbroken at the heartrenching sadness of all
this.......

Actually housework is done......well all that I can handle for this
week....loading the dishwasher is a heavy duty job in this house. Mowed the
lawn and all that jazz......Now what do I do.

I really want them to stay home so we can go surfing, and thought we'd go
today (Sunday) but their friend rang.....and now they're gone off for the
day doing their hay.......no shops open, no neighbours around, even my
mother is gone......

Does this sound like a conspiracy to anyone else??

Even the mother ship is out of range.....

Well s'pose I could alway do next weeks housework.......and unload the
dishwasher!!...

Dolores

One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.
I guess I should go see a doctor."

His friend says, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it, and
it only costs $10."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which
read:

* You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy labor. You will heal in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in
the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The machine made the
usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following
analysis:

* Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.

* Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

* Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic.

* Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

* AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never
heal.


Actually, think I might be able to squeeze another one in to my tight
schedule.....



A priest and nun are on their way back home from a
trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in
a hotel.

The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a
problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night
together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and
you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get
you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket.
(He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the
Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for
this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own
damn blanket

[dolores]

Oops this was meant to be attached to the other one....

Dolores

"dolores" > wrote in message
...
> Got another.....under all the crap and rambling of a bored housewife
> (ooopps...housemaker)...lol
>
> Okay!!......I'm bored!!!, I havent seen the two lads all week, they've
been
> off with the farmer working and having a ball. They're gone at 10am and
> dont get home until 10pm, covered in cow**** and dead tired. They shower
and
> go to bed. They dont even eat here now. Tisn't even a hotel here.....tis
a
> mere Bed and Breakfast....my fridge is now an Art Gallery....They look and
> hum and haw.....then leave!....
>
> All I've got is our cat "Doris" and her kitten for company and tons of
> housework. I hope ye are all heartbroken at the heartrenching sadness of
all
> this.......
>
> Actually housework is done......well all that I can handle for this
> week....loading the dishwasher is a heavy duty job in this house. Mowed
the
> lawn and all that jazz......Now what do I do.
>
> I really want them to stay home so we can go surfing, and thought we'd go
> today (Sunday) but their friend rang.....and now they're gone off for the
> day doing their hay.......no shops open, no neighbours around, even my
> mother is gone......
>
> Does this sound like a conspiracy to anyone else??
>
> Even the mother ship is out of range.....
>
> Well s'pose I could alway do next weeks housework.......and unload the
> dishwasher!!...
>
> Dolores
>
> One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts.
> I guess I should go see a doctor."
>
> His friend says, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
> store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a
> doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
> will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it, and
> it only costs $10."
>
> Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
> urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
> poured in the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The computer
> started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
> After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which
> read:
>
> * You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
> avoid heavy labor. You will heal in two weeks.
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
> and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
> wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a
> try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the
> dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it
> off, he masturbated into the concoction.
>
> He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in
> the sample and deposited the 10 bucks. The machine made the
> usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following
> analysis:
>
> * Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
>
> * Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> * Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic.
>
> * Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.
> Get a lawyer.
>
> * AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never
> heal.
>
>
> Actually, think I might be able to squeeze another one in to my tight
> schedule.....
>
>
>
> A priest and nun are on their way back home from a
> trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to
> get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in
> a hotel.
>
> The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
>
> Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a
> problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night
> together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and
> you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay.
>
> They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed
> place in the room. Ten minutes later...
>
> Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get
> you a blanket. (He does)
>
> Ten minutes later...
>
> Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
> Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket.
> (He does)
>
> Ten minutes later...
>
> Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the
> Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for
> this one night.
>
> Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own
> damn blanket
>
>
>
>
>
>