Should I say something?

[Betsy]

The other day my son was with his grandparents, and my nephew was there as
well. My brother and I both work, and it being summer, the children spend a
lot of time with Grandma and Papaw. Well apparently while they were
playing, my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and
wouldn't let him out. My mother made a point of telling me that had
happened when I picked my son up that evening. She also told me that my
father had "handled it." I am not sure if I should discuss this with my
son, or let it go with the talking to he got from his beloved Papaw. I
mean, I remember growing up, and the devastation I felt when my father told
me he was disappointed in what I had done. But, I am my son's parent, and
although he had been talked to, there had been no other consequences. The
other concern I have, is my brother also was told about the incident, and is
angry. I don't blame him, but he wants to discuss this with my son. My
brother said, "J knows M is afraid of closets. He knows that! Why would he
do such a thing?" I of course replied, logically I felt, "There were many
times you knew what I hated, but continually did those things just to
torment me. It's a kid thing." And even though they aren't siblings,
during the summer they are together so much, they may as well be. Anytime I
take my nephew with us anywhere they think he's my son. Anytime my brother
and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.' Of
course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother." It's
nice having family around, other than my parents. The problem I am having
is I have the 'older' child and don't get much advice, just moral support.
And my brother refuses to think I know anything about how to handle my
nephew. I feel my brother may say something that would not be beneficial in
this situation. I have asked my brother to talk to my son about certain
things, because although he is 12 he is going through puberty, and sometimes
it's better for boys to have a 'guy' to talk to if possible. I am lucky in
that respect. But, in this respect if anyone says anything more, I feel it
should be me. But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just
leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday?

Any suggestions?

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[Joelle]

If you trust the way your father handled it, why not let it go as long as it
doesn't happen again. See if you can't get your brother to ltrust your dad to
have handled it.

I don't see how a bunch of after the fact lectures are going to help.

And you are right, it was just a dumb boy kid thing. I wouldn't loose a lot of
sleep about it.

The tough thing about your brother is that it is a tough line to sometimes rely
on your brother for help (and it's a good thing for your son to have a man) but
then drawing the line that he's there for "support" - he's not the father, he
doesn't have equal say in raising your boy - that's your job. It's probably a
good thing that he is trying to cross the line, it just means he's taking the
father role seriously, but it's your job to decide the line and enforce it.

Joelle

[Betsy]

In ,
Joelle > typed:
> If you trust the way your father handled it, why not let it go as
> long as it doesn't happen again. See if you can't get your brother
> to ltrust your dad to have handled it.
>
> I don't see how a bunch of after the fact lectures are going to help.
>
> And you are right, it was just a dumb boy kid thing. I wouldn't
> loose a lot of sleep about it.
>
> The tough thing about your brother is that it is a tough line to
> sometimes rely on your brother for help (and it's a good thing for
> your son to have a man) but then drawing the line that he's there for
> "support" - he's not the father, he doesn't have equal say in raising
> your boy - that's your job. It's probably a good thing that he is
> trying to cross the line, it just means he's taking the father role
> seriously, but it's your job to decide the line and enforce it.
>
> Joelle


I appreciate the advice Joelle. I told my son today that since he and my
nephew were going to be with the babysitter today, I expected his behavior
to be better than it was at home. Usually he doesn't have a problem with
other adults, just me. I guess that's their job, right? Make us gray early
or something? I feel my father is definitely capable of handling situations
as they arise, provided it's early enough in the day, before 'cocktail hour'
as it were. I have become a surrogate mother for my nephew during his
visits with his father. Sometimes I see some behaviors that worry me, but
when I try to bring it up to my brother I am met with resistance. Certain
things my brother has a hard time accepting. He is bi-polar, and recently
began medication therapy after denying his need for any treatment. He
admits to feeling better on the meds, but now I notice he is getting back
into old habits. Sometimes to get him to even follow through with his own
son, let alone mine. I am trying not to burden either one of them, my
brother or my son. What do I do when it's time for my son to start shaving?
What do I say when he asks about dating? I have a lot of dilemmas arising
in the future, and I haven't a single thought how to handle things. I like
knowing there's someone there who is in a similar situation. A teenage (or
nearly so) boy with no father. Of course if I had a choice, it would be
different. I like to think I would be tolerable of my ex, but having not
had to be for so long, I don't know for certain. He made the decision to
terminate his parental rights, and he is missing out on a lot with our son.
I just wonder how much my son is missing, and how it's going to affect him.
Okay, I got off the original topic.

Thanks again Joelle.

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.

[Joelle]

>ometimes I see some behaviors that worry me, but
>when I try to bring it up to my brother I am met with resistance. Certain
>things my brother has a hard time accepting.

Ah. Well that's the opposite that I talked about with regards to you son and
your brother. You are there as a support for your nephew, but you are not his
mother and you dont' have the same imput as his dad. You may not agree with
everything your brother is doing, but he's dad and you you have no control.
Just like you have to draw the line with your brother and your son, you have to
realize there is a line with your nephew and you.

Joelle

[SA]

"Betsy" > wrote in message >...


I think you have to talk to your son, even though he got a telling-off
by his grandfather. Just because you hated being shouted at by him
when you were a child does not mean that it will have the same impact
on your son.
While I believe you should bring it up, maybe because he has been
chastised about it, you should not shout but talk rationally to him
about his actions.
You could concentrate on the fact that he is 12, older and wiser than
his 7-year-old cousin and should be looking out for him, not torturing
him (I dont mean that literally). You should also come up with some
sort of punishment, whatever you think yourself to be appropriate.
There have been times when my daughter has been shouted at by her
nanny and I wont rehash it but as you said with you and your father, I
have done the whole talk 'I am disappointed in your behaviour, I
expect more from you', etc, etc, without blowing my top. But I dont
believe the situation with your son and nephew warrants any bad
feeling between you and your brother and dont take any nonsense about
it. Deal with your son and tell your brother you are doing so and
leave it at that.
I dont think its a big deal but I would nip stuff like this in the bud
because it isnt nice behaviour but at the end of the day, we can all
be ****es to each other and none more than children to each other. But
DO talk to him about it.
SA


> The other day my son was with his grandparents, and my nephew was there as
> well. My brother and I both work, and it being summer, the children spend a
> lot of time with Grandma and Papaw. Well apparently while they were
> playing, my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and
> wouldn't let him out. My mother made a point of telling me that had
> happened when I picked my son up that evening. She also told me that my
> father had "handled it." I am not sure if I should discuss this with my
> son, or let it go with the talking to he got from his beloved Papaw. I
> mean, I remember growing up, and the devastation I felt when my father told
> me he was disappointed in what I had done. But, I am my son's parent, and
> although he had been talked to, there had been no other consequences. The
> other concern I have, is my brother also was told about the incident, and is
> angry. I don't blame him, but he wants to discuss this with my son. My
> brother said, "J knows M is afraid of closets. He knows that! Why would he
> do such a thing?" I of course replied, logically I felt, "There were many
> times you knew what I hated, but continually did those things just to
> torment me. It's a kid thing." And even though they aren't siblings,
> during the summer they are together so much, they may as well be. Anytime I
> take my nephew with us anywhere they think he's my son. Anytime my brother
> and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.' Of
> course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother." It's
> nice having family around, other than my parents. The problem I am having
> is I have the 'older' child and don't get much advice, just moral support.
> And my brother refuses to think I know anything about how to handle my
> nephew. I feel my brother may say something that would not be beneficial in
> this situation. I have asked my brother to talk to my son about certain
> things, because although he is 12 he is going through puberty, and sometimes
> it's better for boys to have a 'guy' to talk to if possible. I am lucky in
> that respect. But, in this respect if anyone says anything more, I feel it
> should be me. But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just
> leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday?
>
> Any suggestions?
>
> Betsy

[Dennis Here]

Betsy wrote in message ...

>my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and
>wouldn't let him out.

>But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just
>leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday?


Leave it. It's been dealt with by the house owner.
Should your son bring it up then definatly discuss it and express your point
of view.

Dennis

[Dennis Here]

Betsy wrote in message ...

> What do I do when it's time for my son to start shaving?
>What do I say when he asks about dating? I have a lot of dilemmas arising
>in the future, and I haven't a single thought how to handle things.

Yeah, like big and bouncy magazines, masturbation, sex, drugs and rock and
roll, but mainly sex.
Email me if you are not comfortable posting here.
I have helped out quite a few single mothers of boys here over the years.

Dennis, three boys who have yet to surprise me.

[Karen O'Mara]

(Joelle) wrote in message >...
> If you trust the way your father handled it, why not let it go as long as it
> doesn't happen again. See if you can't get your brother to ltrust your dad to
> have handled it.
>
> I don't see how a bunch of after the fact lectures are going to help.
>
> And you are right, it was just a dumb boy kid thing. I wouldn't loose a lot of
> sleep about it.
>
> The tough thing about your brother is that it is a tough line to sometimes rely
> on your brother for help (and it's a good thing for your son to have a man) but
> then drawing the line that he's there for "support" - he's not the father, he
> doesn't have equal say in raising your boy - that's your job. It's probably a
> good thing that he is trying to cross the line, it just means he's taking the
> father role seriously, but it's your job to decide the line and enforce it.

The brother wants to talk to her son to make sure he treats his kid
right in the future.

My advice is to allow brother to speak with both children together, as
a father and as an uncle.

Karen

[CME]

"Dennis Here" oureply>
wrote in message ...
>
> Betsy wrote in message ...
>
> > What do I do when it's time for my son to start shaving?
> >What do I say when he asks about dating? I have a lot of dilemmas
arising
> >in the future, and I haven't a single thought how to handle things.
>
> Yeah, like big and bouncy magazines, masturbation, sex, drugs and rock and
> roll, but mainly sex.
> Email me if you are not comfortable posting here.
> I have helped out quite a few single mothers of boys here over the years.
>
> Dennis, three boys who have yet to surprise me.
>
>

I think I'll take ya up on that when my sons get older because sometimes I
just have no idea, and books aren't all that helpful. lol

Christine

[Paul Fritz]

"Betsy" > wrote in message
. com...

<snip>

> Anytime my brother
> and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.'
Of
> course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother."

I have one better.......throughout my recent trip through S.A, and despite
my travel agent's notification to everyplace we stayed that it was
father/daughter.....just about every place we checked into had us listed as
Mr./Mrs......... and the look of horror on my 13 y.o's face when they
opened the room door to find ONE double bed. LOL

Talk about embarrassed desk clerks ;-)

[Cele]

On Thu, 24 Jul 2003 10:09:11 GMT, "Betsy" >
wrote:

>The other day my son was with his grandparents, and my nephew was there as
>well. My brother and I both work, and it being summer, the children spend a
>lot of time with Grandma and Papaw. Well apparently while they were
>playing, my son (who is 12) shut my nephew (who is 7) in the closet and
>wouldn't let him out. My mother made a point of telling me that had
>happened when I picked my son up that evening. She also told me that my
>father had "handled it." I am not sure if I should discuss this with my
>son, or let it go with the talking to he got from his beloved Papaw. I
>mean, I remember growing up, and the devastation I felt when my father told
>me he was disappointed in what I had done. But, I am my son's parent, and
>although he had been talked to, there had been no other consequences. The
>other concern I have, is my brother also was told about the incident, and is
>angry. I don't blame him, but he wants to discuss this with my son. My
>brother said, "J knows M is afraid of closets. He knows that! Why would he
>do such a thing?" I of course replied, logically I felt, "There were many
>times you knew what I hated, but continually did those things just to
>torment me. It's a kid thing." And even though they aren't siblings,
>during the summer they are together so much, they may as well be. Anytime I
>take my nephew with us anywhere they think he's my son. Anytime my brother
>and I take our kids anywhere together, people assume we are a 'couple.' Of
>course the are properly embarrassed when I say, "that's my brother." It's
>nice having family around, other than my parents. The problem I am having
>is I have the 'older' child and don't get much advice, just moral support.
>And my brother refuses to think I know anything about how to handle my
>nephew. I feel my brother may say something that would not be beneficial in
>this situation. I have asked my brother to talk to my son about certain
>things, because although he is 12 he is going through puberty, and sometimes
>it's better for boys to have a 'guy' to talk to if possible. I am lucky in
>that respect. But, in this respect if anyone says anything more, I feel it
>should be me. But what do I say, how do I approach the issue? Or do I just
>leave it alone, or tell the counselor on Friday?
>
>Any suggestions?

He's your kid, you talk to him. I'd get a handle from him on what was
going on. You've got a couple of messages to send him. One: under no
circumstances is it okay to put his cousin in the closet, no reason is
an acceptable one. Two, if he was feeling provoked by his cousin, here
are some more effective means of dealing with it. (give examples)
Three, when such things take place, he can pretty much expect the
involved adults to be ticked off about it. His Uncle wants to talk to
him because it was his Uncle's little boy that got locked in the
closet, and his Uncle is gonna want to protect his child just like you
want to protect yours. So he can kind of expect a speech from his
Uncle.

Once you've sent these messages via the means you deem most effective
in private conversation with your son, I'd agree to let your brother
have his say as long as you're present. That keeps everyone on the
level and gives your brother a chance to do what he needs to do.

HTH

Cele

[Dennis Here]

Betsy wrote in message ...


>If I have something really uncomfortable, I may take you up on your offer
>Dennis; but I am a nurse so most biological functions don't bother me. Of
>course I believe sex is more than simply a biological function.

That's reassuring. You mean those feelings I get are normal ;-)

> I have
>always been open with my son in that regard, so hopefully he will feel
>comfortable approching me with questions.


The questions are not the problem, it's the actions that might seem
inexplicable to to you.

Dennis

[Betsy]

In ,
Dennis Here oureply>
typed:
> Betsy wrote in message ...
>
>
>> If I have something really uncomfortable, I may take you up on your
>> offer Dennis; but I am a nurse so most biological functions don't
>> bother me. Of course I believe sex is more than simply a biological
>> function.
>
> That's reassuring. You mean those feelings I get are normal ;-)
>
>> I have
>> always been open with my son in that regard, so hopefully he will
>> feel comfortable approching me with questions.
>
>
> The questions are not the problem, it's the actions that might seem
> inexplicable to to you.
>
> Dennis


Actions? You mean like...and um...and geez....that? Listen, I grew up with
two brothers, one older and one younger. I have walked in on them from time
to time by accident (or on purpose). LOL I think I know what you are
getting at, but I will certainly remember your offer. As well as the
instructions on how to pull your plonker that you gave Joelle. :-)

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.