Tiffany
July 4th 03, 01:18 AM
The DaveŠ > wrote in message
s.com...
> July 4th is Independence Day
>
> For me, too. Literally. You see, my divorce is final on July 4th. I am
> not kidding. I have been participating in these two groups for quite some
> time now, and have never really given a whole lot of information about my
> situation. For whatever reason, I feel like doing so now. So, here goes:
>
> A little background first. My ex and I met in late 1986 when I was going
to
> school in Arizona. She came back to northern California with me in early
> 1988. She also had two kids from her previous marriage, ages 2 and 4 when
> we moved back. We had a son together in late 1988. We did not get
married,
> but lived together for quite awhile. May father died in 1992 and her and
I
> got married a month later, in late 1992. Looking back, I think it was a
> purely emotional thing on my part, to maybe replace a closeness that I had
> just lost, as my dad and I were always very close. We had had problems
> previously, but nothing too serious.
>
> Things were relatively great for a few years, then we started to drift
away
> from each other. Everything I say here is my own perspective, so bear
with
> me. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and do all that stuff and be
active
> in the kid's lives, and I wasn't there yet. Eventually the roles started
to
> reverse. I got involved in the kid's activities and she started to make
> excuses to not go. I judged their swim team, coached little league, etc.
> She eventually started to get wild and stay out after work and not come
home
> until 4 and 6 am the next morning. Why I put up with this I don't know.
We
> no longer communicated. She had this thing of slamming me to EVERYONE
> (including the kids) behind my back. I knew it was going on, but didn't
> realize exactly how much until after we had split and a few friends
finally
> told me. Anyway, rather than argue I simply withdrew and never said
> anything that might be used as evidence against me at a later date.
>
> By the time she announced she was leaving in January 1999, I had zero
> feelings for her. My attitude was 'fine, go'. At this point I was very
> close to all three kids, even hers. I considered them my own, as I had
> helped raise them and am still the only father and dad they have ever
known.
> She had made over $20,000 the year before and had literally nothing saved
> for her move, which she had been planning in her head for over eight
months.
> She also contributed almost literally nothing to the household expenses,
so
> there was no reason for this. I didn't push her moving out because I
didn't
> want the kids to leave, and I was afraid of what the courts would do to me
> concerning child support and custody. That's when I found
> alt.child-support. Mainly, I wanted to know what I was in for and what to
> watch out for and how to protect myself. It was a God-send. I knew I had
> no legal right to her kids, that I understood, but there was my son and he
> and I are inseparable. In April I had had enough so **I** borrowed money
> from her mother so she could move out. She rented a house across town.
We
> almost always get along, so that was fine, I just wanted the kids nearby.
>
> We lived separated for a long time. Almost 4 years. My son ended up with
> me and spends about 98%+ of the time with me. Even though his mother
lives
> only a mile away, he wants virtually nothing to do with her. We would
> occasionally talk about getting the divorce, but nothing ever came of it.
> In early 2002 we started talking more seriously, with her saying she
really
> wanted to get it done. I bought some Nolo Press books. She wasn't hip on
> us doing it ourselves, but we agreed on virtually everything. She said
she
> wanted no child support, and he was living with me, anyway. I told her
that
> if we hired lawyers they'd get all our money and we'd end up with pretty
> much what we agreed to anyway. I even bought her her own copy of the same
> book so she could read for herself what I was talking about.
>
> In all this time I never felt bad that she left. I never missed her. I
had
> forgotten how good life could be. Before she moved out one night she
asked
> "Why aren't you putting up a fight for me to stay?" I said "I don't know"
> and shrugged my shoulders. I was thinking "Because, I WANT you to leave!"
> That may sound harsh, but it's the truth.
>
> Some may read this and wonder what I did to contribute to the downfall.
> Fair question. First, I shouldn't have let it get as serious as I did
> because I never loved her. She loved me and my self-esteem convinced me I
> would never find anyone else who would and that I'd better grab her while
I
> had the chance. Also, she always said that she loved me so much that she
> would never leave me. I believed that and took her for granted, as a
> result. That was very wrong for me to do, I know. At least on these two
> issues, I am more mature and self-confident, that I plan to never let
those
> happen again. My present girlfriend and I are very compatible and have
> almost identical feelings for each other, I feel like I may have found
"the
> one". I know, everyone says that, but it does happen sometimes.
>
> Back to the story. I wanted to file in October 2003. I wrote a rough
draft
> of a marriage settlement agreement and gave it to her. She started
whining
> about why I wanted it done so quick, and asked if I was going to marry
> someone else. As fate would have it, it was that month that I met my
> present girlfriend that I am considering marrying now, but at that point
> there was no way to know this. Anyway, she never got back to me. In
> mid-November 2002 I gave her a note that said I was going to file "within
a
> week" just to get it started and that we could still work together and
> finish it off. I promised I would not go any further than that without
> letting her know. **** happens, as you'll read later.
>
> A month went by and, nothing from her. I finally filed in mid-December
> 2002. I paid the county sheriff to serve the papers. She was served on
> January 3, 2003. She had 30 days to respond. Nothing. Not a word. In
> mid-February she calls me one night and the conversation starts pleasant
> enough, then after about 10 minutes she flies off in this tirade about how
> I'm trying to screw her and she listed about five things wrong in her life
> that are somehow my fault. We had been split 4 years!!! She then
> threatened that nothing would happen with the divorce until I fixed
> everything in her life. I am not kidding. I knew that about 40 days had
> gone by, well beyond the 30 day minimum waiting period. I thought to
myself
> "**** that! Like hell you're going to hold me hostage like that!" I
didn't
> say anything but ended the phone call as pleasantly as I could. I called
in
> sick to work the next morning and went to the courthouse and filled out
the
> default paperwork by hand and filed it. I was given a court date of two
> weeks later in early March 2003. She was given notice that there would be
a
> hearing, but she was not told by the court when or where it would be. I
> went, testified, and got the judgment entered right there. The next day I
> went to Disneyland for a week. (pre-planned vacation). Even though she
> never responded and I could have done pretty much anything I wanted, I did
> it like she and I had verbally agreed to. I won't get credit for that,
but
> that's life. My conscience wouldn't let me do otherwise. I got alimony
> permanently deleted. There is no child support, though I know that could
> change. Because of how much time our son spends with me, I am technically
> entitled for CS from her, but I don't need it or want it. I felt great!
It
> was done.
>
> The Independence Day thing is purely coincidence. The sheriff served her
on
> January 3, 2003. In California, if everything goes in a timely manner,
the
> waiting period is 6 months and 1 day from the date of service, which in
this
> case is, July 4, 2003. I couldn't have timed it any better.
>
> Tomorrow, I am a free man.
>
>
Congradulations and good luck with the future gf. :)
s.com...
> July 4th is Independence Day
>
> For me, too. Literally. You see, my divorce is final on July 4th. I am
> not kidding. I have been participating in these two groups for quite some
> time now, and have never really given a whole lot of information about my
> situation. For whatever reason, I feel like doing so now. So, here goes:
>
> A little background first. My ex and I met in late 1986 when I was going
to
> school in Arizona. She came back to northern California with me in early
> 1988. She also had two kids from her previous marriage, ages 2 and 4 when
> we moved back. We had a son together in late 1988. We did not get
married,
> but lived together for quite awhile. May father died in 1992 and her and
I
> got married a month later, in late 1992. Looking back, I think it was a
> purely emotional thing on my part, to maybe replace a closeness that I had
> just lost, as my dad and I were always very close. We had had problems
> previously, but nothing too serious.
>
> Things were relatively great for a few years, then we started to drift
away
> from each other. Everything I say here is my own perspective, so bear
with
> me. She wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and do all that stuff and be
active
> in the kid's lives, and I wasn't there yet. Eventually the roles started
to
> reverse. I got involved in the kid's activities and she started to make
> excuses to not go. I judged their swim team, coached little league, etc.
> She eventually started to get wild and stay out after work and not come
home
> until 4 and 6 am the next morning. Why I put up with this I don't know.
We
> no longer communicated. She had this thing of slamming me to EVERYONE
> (including the kids) behind my back. I knew it was going on, but didn't
> realize exactly how much until after we had split and a few friends
finally
> told me. Anyway, rather than argue I simply withdrew and never said
> anything that might be used as evidence against me at a later date.
>
> By the time she announced she was leaving in January 1999, I had zero
> feelings for her. My attitude was 'fine, go'. At this point I was very
> close to all three kids, even hers. I considered them my own, as I had
> helped raise them and am still the only father and dad they have ever
known.
> She had made over $20,000 the year before and had literally nothing saved
> for her move, which she had been planning in her head for over eight
months.
> She also contributed almost literally nothing to the household expenses,
so
> there was no reason for this. I didn't push her moving out because I
didn't
> want the kids to leave, and I was afraid of what the courts would do to me
> concerning child support and custody. That's when I found
> alt.child-support. Mainly, I wanted to know what I was in for and what to
> watch out for and how to protect myself. It was a God-send. I knew I had
> no legal right to her kids, that I understood, but there was my son and he
> and I are inseparable. In April I had had enough so **I** borrowed money
> from her mother so she could move out. She rented a house across town.
We
> almost always get along, so that was fine, I just wanted the kids nearby.
>
> We lived separated for a long time. Almost 4 years. My son ended up with
> me and spends about 98%+ of the time with me. Even though his mother
lives
> only a mile away, he wants virtually nothing to do with her. We would
> occasionally talk about getting the divorce, but nothing ever came of it.
> In early 2002 we started talking more seriously, with her saying she
really
> wanted to get it done. I bought some Nolo Press books. She wasn't hip on
> us doing it ourselves, but we agreed on virtually everything. She said
she
> wanted no child support, and he was living with me, anyway. I told her
that
> if we hired lawyers they'd get all our money and we'd end up with pretty
> much what we agreed to anyway. I even bought her her own copy of the same
> book so she could read for herself what I was talking about.
>
> In all this time I never felt bad that she left. I never missed her. I
had
> forgotten how good life could be. Before she moved out one night she
asked
> "Why aren't you putting up a fight for me to stay?" I said "I don't know"
> and shrugged my shoulders. I was thinking "Because, I WANT you to leave!"
> That may sound harsh, but it's the truth.
>
> Some may read this and wonder what I did to contribute to the downfall.
> Fair question. First, I shouldn't have let it get as serious as I did
> because I never loved her. She loved me and my self-esteem convinced me I
> would never find anyone else who would and that I'd better grab her while
I
> had the chance. Also, she always said that she loved me so much that she
> would never leave me. I believed that and took her for granted, as a
> result. That was very wrong for me to do, I know. At least on these two
> issues, I am more mature and self-confident, that I plan to never let
those
> happen again. My present girlfriend and I are very compatible and have
> almost identical feelings for each other, I feel like I may have found
"the
> one". I know, everyone says that, but it does happen sometimes.
>
> Back to the story. I wanted to file in October 2003. I wrote a rough
draft
> of a marriage settlement agreement and gave it to her. She started
whining
> about why I wanted it done so quick, and asked if I was going to marry
> someone else. As fate would have it, it was that month that I met my
> present girlfriend that I am considering marrying now, but at that point
> there was no way to know this. Anyway, she never got back to me. In
> mid-November 2002 I gave her a note that said I was going to file "within
a
> week" just to get it started and that we could still work together and
> finish it off. I promised I would not go any further than that without
> letting her know. **** happens, as you'll read later.
>
> A month went by and, nothing from her. I finally filed in mid-December
> 2002. I paid the county sheriff to serve the papers. She was served on
> January 3, 2003. She had 30 days to respond. Nothing. Not a word. In
> mid-February she calls me one night and the conversation starts pleasant
> enough, then after about 10 minutes she flies off in this tirade about how
> I'm trying to screw her and she listed about five things wrong in her life
> that are somehow my fault. We had been split 4 years!!! She then
> threatened that nothing would happen with the divorce until I fixed
> everything in her life. I am not kidding. I knew that about 40 days had
> gone by, well beyond the 30 day minimum waiting period. I thought to
myself
> "**** that! Like hell you're going to hold me hostage like that!" I
didn't
> say anything but ended the phone call as pleasantly as I could. I called
in
> sick to work the next morning and went to the courthouse and filled out
the
> default paperwork by hand and filed it. I was given a court date of two
> weeks later in early March 2003. She was given notice that there would be
a
> hearing, but she was not told by the court when or where it would be. I
> went, testified, and got the judgment entered right there. The next day I
> went to Disneyland for a week. (pre-planned vacation). Even though she
> never responded and I could have done pretty much anything I wanted, I did
> it like she and I had verbally agreed to. I won't get credit for that,
but
> that's life. My conscience wouldn't let me do otherwise. I got alimony
> permanently deleted. There is no child support, though I know that could
> change. Because of how much time our son spends with me, I am technically
> entitled for CS from her, but I don't need it or want it. I felt great!
It
> was done.
>
> The Independence Day thing is purely coincidence. The sheriff served her
on
> January 3, 2003. In California, if everything goes in a timely manner,
the
> waiting period is 6 months and 1 day from the date of service, which in
this
> case is, July 4, 2003. I couldn't have timed it any better.
>
> Tomorrow, I am a free man.
>
>
Congradulations and good luck with the future gf. :)