need suggestions/comments from second-wives or girl-friends

[Tracy]

At risk: 9 year old little girl. She has not come to terms with her
parents' divorce. Sometimes I believe no one ever does - to a point... but
this little girl has held onto the hope mom and dad will reconcile. The
only obstacle (in the past) has been mom's boyfriend...

well...

The latest out of mom's mouth is that she (mom) and dad would be together if
it wasn't for dad's girl friend (me).

I just want to know how others dealt with this. Dad and I are secure in our
relationship, but we (yes dad and I view this as were in it together) have a
little girl who is confused. Ideally mom wouldn't play these mind games.
Ideally mom and dad would sit this little girl down and talk to her. But we
don't live in an ideal world.

*I* don't want to ever force dad to make a choice between me or his
daughter. I really need to understand and learn from others. I told him
tonight that if I felt it was coming to that I'd walk away from our
relationship, and he got really quiet. I told him I loved him that much -
that I would never hurt him or his kids in that way. Right now we're going
really strong and we are serious about marriage. We just haven't made it
official (ring and date). He has already told me that if it wasn't for the
fact we (him and I) think of our kids - we would be married today.

My deepest fear is not the relationship between dad and myself. My deepest
fear is the well-being of his daughter. I want her healthy. I know what I
would do if she was my daughter, and I was the custodial parent. But I'm
not... so all I can do is be myself as I am in this group. Listen, give
lots of hugs, sometimes advice, and try to get her to smile.

Dad is in a rough situation...


Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

[Jon]

children as weapons, ain't it grand. Sorry to hear of your place tracy, I
admire your attitude. When I was first dating after divorce, it was 3 or 4
months of dating a woman before I felt she was good enough to see my kids.
I got lucky, they liked her. Then I married her, and now I (we) have won
custody. But you know, as much as I liked her at the beginning, I would
have walked if my kids weren't comfortable with the whole thing.
Keep the faith and God Bless you. You have a good heart.
Jon



Tracy wrote:
> At risk: 9 year old little girl. She has not come to terms with her
> parents' divorce. Sometimes I believe no one ever does - to a
> point... but this little girl has held onto the hope mom and dad will
> reconcile. The only obstacle (in the past) has been mom's
> boyfriend...
>
> well...
>
> The latest out of mom's mouth is that she (mom) and dad would be
> together if it wasn't for dad's girl friend (me).
>
> I just want to know how others dealt with this. Dad and I are secure
> in our relationship, but we (yes dad and I view this as were in it
> together) have a little girl who is confused. Ideally mom wouldn't
> play these mind games. Ideally mom and dad would sit this little girl
> down and talk to her. But we don't live in an ideal world.
>
> *I* don't want to ever force dad to make a choice between me or his
> daughter. I really need to understand and learn from others. I told
> him tonight that if I felt it was coming to that I'd walk away from
> our relationship, and he got really quiet. I told him I loved him
> that much - that I would never hurt him or his kids in that way.
> Right now we're going really strong and we are serious about
> marriage. We just haven't made it official (ring and date). He has
> already told me that if it wasn't for the fact we (him and I) think
> of our kids - we would be married today.
>
> My deepest fear is not the relationship between dad and myself. My
> deepest fear is the well-being of his daughter. I want her healthy.
> I know what I would do if she was my daughter, and I was the
> custodial parent. But I'm not... so all I can do is be myself as I
> am in this group. Listen, give lots of hugs, sometimes advice, and
> try to get her to smile.
>
> Dad is in a rough situation...
>
>
> Tracy
> ~~~~~~~
> http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
> "You can't solve problems with the same
> type of thinking that created them."
> Albert Einstein
>
> *** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

[Tracy]

"Jon" > wrote in message
...
> children as weapons, ain't it grand.

No... it hurts, as it is a foreign concept to me. Never did I, nor my son's
father, used our son as a weapon. So this really sucks. I've been on the
phone with other people as I'm lost for words. I'm so use to thinking, and
giving advice from the heart - that my heart is too wrapped up in this
situation. I care about his daughter. She & I have a great relationship.
Ok, the daughter shouldn't have told her mom and she likes me... but the
daughter was brought up to speak the truth. I wear a friendship bracelet
she created for me during a night I stayed up until 2 am in the morning just
talking to her. On top of that - mom's family has told her that daughter
and I are close. Many have observed us (daughter and I) together. So this
whole situation is very hard... I would never do something like this to my
own child, and it kills me to see this happening to someone else's child. I
want to make her pain go away.


> Sorry to hear of your place tracy, I
> admire your attitude. When I was first dating after divorce, it was 3 or
4
> months of dating a woman before I felt she was good enough to see my kids.
> I got lucky, they liked her. Then I married her, and now I (we) have won
> custody. But you know, as much as I liked her at the beginning, I would
> have walked if my kids weren't comfortable with the whole thing.
> Keep the faith and God Bless you. You have a good heart.
> Jon

Thanks you Jon... Dad's daughter helped pick me out. Yes, you read that
correctly. I had an ad - a personals ad - and the daughter helped dad pick
me out. There goes waiting before meeting. ;-) Seriously - I know where
you are coming from. I was like that until I met my current bf. He's swept
me off my feet. I didn't think it would happen - ever. He's everything I
have ever wanted and then some. Believe me - I don't drive 32 miles
(one-way) for just anyone. I don't get up at 3:45 am to drive home to get
ready for work for just anyone. I wouldn't be posting so little in this
group for just anyone... and his daughter is just as important to me as he
is. All our kids are.

As I said - his daughter likes me. I just hate how her mother has tried to
make me out to be the bad guy in all this. I'm not the bad guy. His
daughter knows it. I just don't know if she will continue to think that as
time goes on. She told her mom she likes me - but still... she hurts... and
I don't want her to hurt.

I asked dad if there was even a small chance that he would try to make it
with his ex if I wasn't in the picture. He told me 'no'. I'd walk away for
*that* family if I felt there was... so this just kills me.


Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

[Father Drew]

I'm not a 2nd wife or boyfriend, but I have been a 2nd husband with a 9 yr
old step-daughter that hated me because I was keeping her parents apart.

9 is a very tough age for kids to handle a divorce at. It's never easy, but
at that age, they are old enough to understand the situation, but not old
enough to have dating experience of their own, so they can't relate to
breaking up. It's very frustrating for them, because in their mind, all
that has to happen is mom and dad to say "I'm sorry" and things will be okay
again. The fact that they don't and not having any control over it is hard
on them.

There is reaqly nothing you can do but have imense patience while also not
letting this little girl treat you poorly. It's one hell of a balancing
act. Time will fix it. My ex-step-daughter loves me to death now, and has
for years. If anyone can talk to her about this, it has to be Dad.
Anything that comes out of your mouth right now may come accross like you
have an agenda of keeping them separated. You can tell her you love her and
show interest in her interests, but that's about it. I would suggest Dad
has a firm talk with her letting her know that Mom and Dad are over and it's
going to be that way forever. It would be good to find an analogy to use
that she can relate to, like that hampster she used to have that bit her and
she didn't like it anymore. Not saying that is a good one, but something
that doesn't put mom down.

I sure don't envy you right now, but it will all work itself out. I would
be suprised to find out your situation is worse than mine was. We hit
bottom when this 9 yr old girl got in my face (more like my stomache cause
I'm taller), looked me in the eye and screamed, "**** you Drew, you aren't
my Dad!!!" at the top of her lungs with a high-pitched sqelch. While I
really wanted to hug her and let her cry, it wasn't time for that. Instead
I picked her up by her arm, dragged her back in the house and locked her in
her bedroom. She wasn't used to being punished, and in the end, it was my
consistant punishments and consistant loving attention that won her over. I
can't say her Mom or Dad did a very good job at nursing any of the kids
through the divorce, and that's why it got so bad in the first place.

Keep in mind that if this girl acts out at you, it's not your fault, and if
you give in, you all lose because you let your relationship be controlled by
a little girl. This man that you love (and congrats by the way) will find
someone else if you leave him for the sake of his daughter. There will
always be someone else there, so don't feel like you would be sparing this
little girl by running away.

Good luck.

-Drew



"Tracy" > wrote in message
news:%drPa.28008$OZ2.4748@rwcrnsc54...
> At risk: 9 year old little girl. She has not come to terms with her
> parents' divorce. Sometimes I believe no one ever does - to a point...
but
> this little girl has held onto the hope mom and dad will reconcile. The
> only obstacle (in the past) has been mom's boyfriend...
>
> well...
>
> The latest out of mom's mouth is that she (mom) and dad would be together
if
> it wasn't for dad's girl friend (me).
>
> I just want to know how others dealt with this. Dad and I are secure in
our
> relationship, but we (yes dad and I view this as were in it together) have
a
> little girl who is confused. Ideally mom wouldn't play these mind games.
> Ideally mom and dad would sit this little girl down and talk to her. But
we
> don't live in an ideal world.
>
> *I* don't want to ever force dad to make a choice between me or his
> daughter. I really need to understand and learn from others. I told him
> tonight that if I felt it was coming to that I'd walk away from our
> relationship, and he got really quiet. I told him I loved him that much -
> that I would never hurt him or his kids in that way. Right now we're
going
> really strong and we are serious about marriage. We just haven't made it
> official (ring and date). He has already told me that if it wasn't for
the
> fact we (him and I) think of our kids - we would be married today.
>
> My deepest fear is not the relationship between dad and myself. My
deepest
> fear is the well-being of his daughter. I want her healthy. I know what
I
> would do if she was my daughter, and I was the custodial parent. But I'm
> not... so all I can do is be myself as I am in this group. Listen, give
> lots of hugs, sometimes advice, and try to get her to smile.
>
> Dad is in a rough situation...
>
>
> Tracy
> ~~~~~~~
> http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
> "You can't solve problems with the same
> type of thinking that created them."
> Albert Einstein
>
> *** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***
>
>
>

[Mel Gamble]

Tracy, it hasn't been long since you and he met. How long were he and the
mother apart before that? I believe you've mentioned that he has custody?

9 year olds are smarter than a lot of people give them credit for. It's very
unlikely that she's still unaware of the basics of why they split and she
probably has a pretty definite idea in her own mind of what might have
constitued right and wrong in the actions that led to the split and she's
probably not far off with her opinions. Wanting her parents to get back
together and believing it might actually happen are not the same thing.

>At risk: 9 year old little girl. She has not come to terms with her
>parents' divorce. Sometimes I believe no one ever does - to a point... but
>this little girl has held onto the hope mom and dad will reconcile. The
>only obstacle (in the past) has been mom's boyfriend...
>
>well...
>
>The latest out of mom's mouth is that she (mom) and dad would be together if
>it wasn't for dad's girl friend (me).

It sounds like the pain she's suffering is more from mom putting pressure on
her than from any belief that mom's being truthful. Dad and daughter are
moving on and mom's going to make it as painful - for BOTH of them - as she
can. She's probably having less trouble coming to grips with the split than
with the realization that one of her parents could intentionally be so hurtful.
It will take time, but if mom keeps it up, the girl will have to accept that
she is of little real importance in mom's life - just another way to try to
hurt dad. That's a painful lesson to absorb, although it sounds as if it's one
that's been in front of her for a lot longer than your presence in her life

>I just want to know how others dealt with this. Dad and I are secure in our
>relationship, but we (yes dad and I view this as were in it together) have a
>little girl who is confused. Ideally mom wouldn't play these mind games.
>Ideally mom and dad would sit this little girl down and talk to her. But we
>don't live in an ideal world.
>
>*I* don't want to ever force dad to make a choice between me or his
>daughter.

Tracy, this isn't about you any more than it's about who got the better car or
who should have gottten the family dog. This woman would complain about dad
getting the dog and then kick it for spite if dad gave it back to her...after
assuring daughter that the return of the dog would be the one thing that would
get them back together. The only way you could come between them would be in
the event the daughter decides he's HERS and wants you out of the picture so
she can have him all to herself...and it doesn't sound like she's on track for
that kind of thing.

>I really need to understand and learn from others. I told him
>tonight that if I felt it was coming to that I'd walk away from our
>relationship, and he got really quiet. I told him I loved him that much -
>that I would never hurt him or his kids in that way. Right now we're going
>really strong and we are serious about marriage. We just haven't made it
>official (ring and date). He has already told me that if it wasn't for the
>fact we (him and I) think of our kids - we would be married today.

Even adults might view the two of you as being on a "fast track"... Even
though she seems accepting of it all, you may be moving at a clip that's a
little hard for her to keep up with.

>My deepest fear is not the relationship between dad and myself. My deepest
>fear is the well-being of his daughter. I want her healthy. I know what I
>would do if she was my daughter, and I was the custodial parent. But I'm
>not... so all I can do is be myself as I am in this group. Listen, give
>lots of hugs, sometimes advice, and try to get her to smile.
>
>Dad is in a rough situation...

So is the daughter, but it's mom who's putting her there, not you. Slow down
maybe, but don't back away. Giving her a good mother to compare her own to
will make it easier for her to accept that her negative feelings about her
mother's actions are the proper view of those actions. I don't think it will
take her long to see through mom's attempts to cause trouble.

Mel Gamble

>Tracy

[Tracy]

"Mel Gamble" > wrote in message
...
> Tracy, it hasn't been long since you and he met. How long were he and the
> mother apart before that? I believe you've mentioned that he has custody?

No it hasn't been long since him and I met and/or started dating. His
divorce is still fairly fresh - February I believe. And yes he has custody.


> 9 year olds are smarter than a lot of people give them credit for. It's
very
> unlikely that she's still unaware of the basics of why they split and she
> probably has a pretty definite idea in her own mind of what might have
> constitued right and wrong in the actions that led to the split and she's
> probably not far off with her opinions. Wanting her parents to get back
> together and believing it might actually happen are not the same thing.

Unfortunately this young girl knows exactly what broke up the marriage. She
knows her mother left that household for another man. She knows mom was
having an affair long before that divorce. She's heard from her mother how
much of a scum-bag this guy is. There isn't anything she doesn't know. In
her eyes, and in the past, the only obstacle was mom's boyfriend - the man
her mother left that household for. That boyfriend is *the* bad guy to that
household, as well as the mother's whole family. Keep in mind, I've met a
greater part of _her_ family. I've met cousins, aunts, uncles, her father,
and her mother. I've listened to her mother state in front of the kids how
scummy the boyfriend is and how the mother shouldn't have any contact with
those kids as long as he is in the picture. So after mom stated that mom
and dad would be together if I wasn't with dad - that put me in the same
boat as the boyfriend. At least in the young girl's eyes. She doesn't have
to come out and say it, I already know. I've had one-on-one conversations
with her to know how she is feeling. She has only cried in front of me.

It upsets me that someone would play those mind games with their own
children. She has turned really strange since I've been in the picture.
She's made comments to the children that no other woman is good enough for
their father except for her. She's snooped through the bedroom fully aware
that dad wasn't around to tell her to leave. She's filling the daughter's
head with ideas that there's a chance of reconciling - but I'm the problem
keeping that from happening. I know this woman is probably jealous and
upset that she doesn't have her ex-husband wrapped around her finger
anymore. He has stopped chasing after her, and that bugs her. So know she
is playing games and it will hurt the daughter in the long run. Reality has
hit mom - and it has hit hard. Can I "relate" to the mother's pain? I'm
sure many can. It isn't easy to know another person is involved in your
child's life - let alone your ex-spouse's. But I have never taken my issues
out on my children, and this woman is.

Like Drew stated in his reply, I want to take this little girl and wrap my
arms around her and cry for her. I want her to know it will be okay. But
where do we, or I, draw the line?

I asked him last night that if I wasn't in the picture would he get back
together with his ex. He told me 'no'. I asked if his daughter understands
this, and he said 'yes'. I told him that she doesn't understand that
because to a 9 year old saying "sorry" is all that is needed to fix the
world's problems. She shouldn't know all the details because it doesn't
matter to her. To her there is always a chance. It is up to her parents to
bring her into reality, and when one parent is not living in reality and
filling her head with BS, then it will hurt. The cheating and lies are
meaningless. Having her family back means something. She doesn't
understand that she will never have that family back. It is gone forever.

So my boyfriend wants me there when he talks to her. He wants to do it
tonight, since originally this weekend was our first weekend without any
kids around. We were suppose to go camping Saturday night, etc... our plans
are now up in the air. The daughter didn't want to stay with mom (and the
boyfriend) until next week like planned - which is another issue involving
these kids. My boyfriend is determined to go camping alone with me. He has
talked to her before, and she was/is a-ok with me and dad being together.
He has told her that he will remarry someday. He's told that to all his
kids. She was fine... she even told mom that she helped dad pick me out,
and was proud of who she picked. Dad has tried to tell me she is still ok,
because she told mom and she liked me *after* mom made that comment about
the reconciliation. So maybe I'm concerned for no reason - but then she
won't open up and talk about this. She has a habit of telling her dad what
she believes dad wants to hear. We've caught her doing this more than once.


Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

[Tracy]

"The Dave©" > wrote in message
s.com...
> A couple things from another perspective.
>
> I think it's a serious mistake for you to offer to "leave". That is very
> unfair to him, if nothing else. If you and he are truly as you state, you
> work through it, you don't give in. To even suggest it has probably got
him
> seriously questioning your commitment to him and the relationship. It may
> seem like the "right thing to do", but it's not.

My bf isn't question anything, but he has told me to not give in. If I give
in - she wins. I just don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't know what to
do. So in other words, he wants us to continue with our plans for this
weekend as if none of this happened. I know he is right, but it goes back
to hurting his daughter.


> Second, I agree with what someone else said (I think it was Drew). Her
> father needs to deal with this. It's his responsibility, no one else's.
It
> won't be easy or quick, but he needs to start having heart to heart
> conversations with her, at the very least. Also, you need to continue to
be
> as supportive to her as possible. Try to not let it affect how you deal
> with the daughter. As she matures, she will see reality for herself and
> understand better.

I agree. I just wish it was that easy, and really needed to hear from
others on how to deal with this. It angers me to know of a parent who pulls
that crap. I've never had to deal with this before... so this is really
hard.

Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

[The Dave©]

A couple things from another perspective.

I think it's a serious mistake for you to offer to "leave". That is very
unfair to him, if nothing else. If you and he are truly as you state, you
work through it, you don't give in. To even suggest it has probably got him
seriously questioning your commitment to him and the relationship. It may
seem like the "right thing to do", but it's not.

Second, I agree with what someone else said (I think it was Drew). Her
father needs to deal with this. It's his responsibility, no one else's. It
won't be easy or quick, but he needs to start having heart to heart
conversations with her, at the very least. Also, you need to continue to be
as supportive to her as possible. Try to not let it affect how you deal
with the daughter. As she matures, she will see reality for herself and
understand better.

"Tracy" wrote
> At risk: 9 year old little girl. She has not come to terms with her
> parents' divorce. Sometimes I believe no one ever does - to a point...
but
> this little girl has held onto the hope mom and dad will reconcile. The
> only obstacle (in the past) has been mom's boyfriend...
>
> well...
>
> The latest out of mom's mouth is that she (mom) and dad would be together
if
> it wasn't for dad's girl friend (me).
>
> I just want to know how others dealt with this. Dad and I are secure in
our
> relationship, but we (yes dad and I view this as were in it together) have
a
> little girl who is confused. Ideally mom wouldn't play these mind games.
> Ideally mom and dad would sit this little girl down and talk to her. But
we
> don't live in an ideal world.
>
> *I* don't want to ever force dad to make a choice between me or his
> daughter. I really need to understand and learn from others. I told him
> tonight that if I felt it was coming to that I'd walk away from our
> relationship, and he got really quiet. I told him I loved him that much -
> that I would never hurt him or his kids in that way. Right now we're
going
> really strong and we are serious about marriage. We just haven't made it
> official (ring and date). He has already told me that if it wasn't for
the
> fact we (him and I) think of our kids - we would be married today.
>
> My deepest fear is not the relationship between dad and myself. My
deepest
> fear is the well-being of his daughter. I want her healthy. I know what
I
> would do if she was my daughter, and I was the custodial parent. But I'm
> not... so all I can do is be myself as I am in this group. Listen, give
> lots of hugs, sometimes advice, and try to get her to smile.
>
> Dad is in a rough situation...
>
>
> Tracy
> ~~~~~~~
> http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
> "You can't solve problems with the same
> type of thinking that created them."
> Albert Einstein
>
> *** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***
>
>
>

[Tiffany]

Tracy > wrote in message
news:EkDPa.36317$N7.4475@sccrnsc03...
> "Mel Gamble" > wrote in message
> ...
> > Tracy, it hasn't been long since you and he met. How long were he and
the
> > mother apart before that? I believe you've mentioned that he has
custody?
>
> No it hasn't been long since him and I met and/or started dating. His
> divorce is still fairly fresh - February I believe. And yes he has
custody.
>
>
> > 9 year olds are smarter than a lot of people give them credit for. It's
> very
> > unlikely that she's still unaware of the basics of why they split and
she
> > probably has a pretty definite idea in her own mind of what might have
> > constitued right and wrong in the actions that led to the split and
she's
> > probably not far off with her opinions. Wanting her parents to get back
> > together and believing it might actually happen are not the same thing.
>
> Unfortunately this young girl knows exactly what broke up the marriage.
She
> knows her mother left that household for another man. She knows mom was
> having an affair long before that divorce. She's heard from her mother
how
> much of a scum-bag this guy is. There isn't anything she doesn't know.
In
> her eyes, and in the past, the only obstacle was mom's boyfriend - the man
> her mother left that household for. That boyfriend is *the* bad guy to
that
> household, as well as the mother's whole family. Keep in mind, I've met a
> greater part of _her_ family. I've met cousins, aunts, uncles, her
father,
> and her mother. I've listened to her mother state in front of the kids
how
> scummy the boyfriend is and how the mother shouldn't have any contact with
> those kids as long as he is in the picture. So after mom stated that mom
> and dad would be together if I wasn't with dad - that put me in the same
> boat as the boyfriend. At least in the young girl's eyes. She doesn't
have
> to come out and say it, I already know. I've had one-on-one conversations
> with her to know how she is feeling. She has only cried in front of me.
>
> It upsets me that someone would play those mind games with their own
> children. She has turned really strange since I've been in the picture.
> She's made comments to the children that no other woman is good enough for
> their father except for her. She's snooped through the bedroom fully
aware
> that dad wasn't around to tell her to leave. She's filling the daughter's
> head with ideas that there's a chance of reconciling - but I'm the problem
> keeping that from happening. I know this woman is probably jealous and
> upset that she doesn't have her ex-husband wrapped around her finger
> anymore. He has stopped chasing after her, and that bugs her. So know
she
> is playing games and it will hurt the daughter in the long run. Reality
has
> hit mom - and it has hit hard. Can I "relate" to the mother's pain? I'm
> sure many can. It isn't easy to know another person is involved in your
> child's life - let alone your ex-spouse's. But I have never taken my
issues
> out on my children, and this woman is.
>
> Like Drew stated in his reply, I want to take this little girl and wrap my
> arms around her and cry for her. I want her to know it will be okay. But
> where do we, or I, draw the line?
>
> I asked him last night that if I wasn't in the picture would he get back
> together with his ex. He told me 'no'. I asked if his daughter
understands
> this, and he said 'yes'. I told him that she doesn't understand that
> because to a 9 year old saying "sorry" is all that is needed to fix the
> world's problems. She shouldn't know all the details because it doesn't
> matter to her. To her there is always a chance. It is up to her parents
to
> bring her into reality, and when one parent is not living in reality and
> filling her head with BS, then it will hurt. The cheating and lies are
> meaningless. Having her family back means something. She doesn't
> understand that she will never have that family back. It is gone forever.
>
> So my boyfriend wants me there when he talks to her. He wants to do it
> tonight, since originally this weekend was our first weekend without any
> kids around. We were suppose to go camping Saturday night, etc... our
plans
> are now up in the air. The daughter didn't want to stay with mom (and the
> boyfriend) until next week like planned - which is another issue involving
> these kids. My boyfriend is determined to go camping alone with me. He
has
> talked to her before, and she was/is a-ok with me and dad being together.
> He has told her that he will remarry someday. He's told that to all his
> kids. She was fine... she even told mom that she helped dad pick me out,
> and was proud of who she picked. Dad has tried to tell me she is still
ok,
> because she told mom and she liked me *after* mom made that comment about
> the reconciliation. So maybe I'm concerned for no reason - but then she
> won't open up and talk about this. She has a habit of telling her dad
what
> she believes dad wants to hear. We've caught her doing this more than
once.
>
>
> Tracy
> ~~~~~~~


You got to give her time and space. She isn't going to open up to you as
easily as you wish. Plus it is all to new for her. Regardless what she says,
I would bet my bottom dollor on the fact that she is threathened by you.
Take it slow and your boyfriend should always put the kids first. Atleast
for the youngest, until she is use to the idea that mom and dad are not
getting back together. It takes alot of time. ALOT of time. If you care for
this man, and it sure sounds like you do, then I know you can be patient.
But by alot of time, it might not be weeks, it might be months. Good luck!

T

[Tracy]

Hi JD. :-)

I'm doing great. I'll be camping this weekend. Last weekend we found a
spot near Big Elk Campground. This Friday I'll be joining my boyfriend, and
his kids, up near Green Peter/Foster Lake. My youngest is looking forward
to this camping trip as he gets to go for another ride in the boat. It will
be his first camping trip experience. Tonight he is sleeping out in the
tent I just purchased yesterday. LOL

Dad has talked to daughter last Friday before I arrived. She didn't give me
the "cold shoulder", but she just wasn't herself Friday night. Sunday when
dad and I arrived home I told her I missed her. Later she gave me a big
hug. I know the conversation between her and dad was long, and she did a
lot of crying. It was the first time she really cried. One of her brothers
was concerned and told her mom was not returning home. When dad was telling
me this I just about cried as it hurts just to imagine how hurt she really
is. So getting that hug Sunday felt good, and I made sure she received a
real hug back. One of her concerns she mentioned to dad was if my love for
her was equal to the love I hold for her father. She's scared of being
hurt - again. Her concern is another reason I had to give her a meaningful
hug and not just be there. I know it will take time, and time is what we
(dad, myself, and our kids) have. There's no reason to rush.

Dad talk to the ex tonight. He brought up a few things as she asked
questions. He believes she was probing at her chances of coming home, so he
made it very clear she isn't coming home. She didn't throw a fit, just
talked to him. He did mention their daughter's well-being... and mom was
more respective in listening this time. He has taken my advice and told her
they (mom and dad) need to sit down and talk to their daughter together. No
date has been set, but she has agreed it is best. Bottom-line: mom is
looking for a way to leave the boyfriend but doesn't have it within herself
to ask for help from her family. She's embarrassed because of what she has
done. Facing the truth will hurt, and it won't be easy for her.

*deep sigh of relief*

I know the road in front of me will be long. It will contain its ups and
downs. As my mom asked me - is it worth it? My answer is 'yes'.

Tracy
~~~~~~~
http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/
"You can't solve problems with the same
type of thinking that created them."
Albert Einstein

*** spamguard in place! to email me: tracy at hornschuch dot net ***

[Mel Gamble]

Tracy, one thing that might be pointed out to the daughter at some time ...

>Hi JD. :-)
>
>I'm doing great. I'll be camping this weekend. Last weekend we found a
>spot near Big Elk Campground. This Friday I'll be joining my boyfriend, and
>his kids, up near Green Peter/Foster Lake. My youngest is looking forward
>to this camping trip as he gets to go for another ride in the boat. It will
>be his first camping trip experience. Tonight he is sleeping out in the
>tent I just purchased yesterday. LOL
>
>Dad has talked to daughter last Friday before I arrived. She didn't give me
>the "cold shoulder", but she just wasn't herself Friday night. Sunday when
>dad and I arrived home I told her I missed her. Later she gave me a big
>hug. I know the conversation between her and dad was long, and she did a
>lot of crying. It was the first time she really cried. One of her brothers
>was concerned and told her mom was not returning home. When dad was telling
>me this I just about cried as it hurts just to imagine how hurt she really
>is. So getting that hug Sunday felt good, and I made sure she received a
>real hug back.

************************************************** ************************
***************
>One of her concerns she mentioned to dad was if my love for her was equal
> to the love I hold for her father. She's scared of being hurt - again.
************************************************** ************************
***************

When a child is born, the parents are EXPECTED to love her. Sometimes, a
parent just isn't capable of loving. Sometimes, a child grows into a young
person that just rubs a parent the wrong way. As a society, we can set a
standard that a parent do whatever is necessary for their kids. We can shame.
We can legislate. Parents can be ridiculed into "playing the part". But there
is nothing we can do that will guarantee that a parent will love a child.

But there is no pressure on someone such as yourself to love another's child.
So if the love happens, it is natural. It is there not because it SHOULD be,
but just because it is. The love between you and her exists because you are
who you are and she is who she is - NOT because society expects it due to some
biological relationship. There are many who could tell her that she should
treasure that fact, and that, even if the relationship between you and her
father which allows the material things that demonstrate it should fail, it
will still be a part of her childhood she will treasure in years to come.

Mel Gamble

>Her concern is another reason I had to give her a meaningful
>hug and not just be there. I know it will take time, and time is what we
>(dad, myself, and our kids) have. There's no reason to rush.
>
>Dad talk to the ex tonight. He brought up a few things as she asked
>questions. He believes she was probing at her chances of coming home, so he
>made it very clear she isn't coming home. She didn't throw a fit, just
>talked to him. He did mention their daughter's well-being... and mom was
>more respective in listening this time. He has taken my advice and told her
>they (mom and dad) need to sit down and talk to their daughter together. No
>date has been set, but she has agreed it is best. Bottom-line: mom is
>looking for a way to leave the boyfriend but doesn't have it within herself
>to ask for help from her family. She's embarrassed because of what she has
>done. Facing the truth will hurt, and it won't be easy for her.
>
>*deep sigh of relief*
>
>I know the road in front of me will be long. It will contain its ups and
>downs. As my mom asked me - is it worth it? My answer is 'yes'.
>
>Tracy