adult sons - help!!!!

[Shelley]

Hi, I hope someone can give me some advice as I am at the end of my tether.
Eldest son, aged 24, hard manual job, only baths once or twice a week. I
told him he didn't smell very sweet. Response - 'So?' He went on to say that
no-one else complains. He does nothing around the house...claims he's
'knackered'. Smokes pot.
Second son, aged 17. No job and in no immediate hurry to get one. Does very
little around the house. Smokes pot. Have given him four weeks to get a job,
he hasn't had a proper job yet, attended college for a few weeks then packed
it in. He just doesn't seem bothered. Smokes pot.
The youngest has Asperger's, he's adorable but demanding. All the more
reason for his older brothers to be more thoughtful.
Lastly I am trying to revise for my finals which start on the 24th May. I
have the seventeen year old at home all day and the others from 4pm onwards.
There is always noise and distraction.
I feel like taking the youngest and running away. My boyfriend (who doesn't
live with me) reckons I should kick the pair of them out.
--
Regards,
-=Shelley=-

[Shelley]

> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've
> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick
> you out and I seriously wonder how your disabled child is going to make
> it in the world when you have no idea how to teach discipline and hard
> work... long-term rewards. You need parenting classes.. fast. It's
> probably too late for the older two. Tell them to straighten up, get
> the dope out of the house, or you're calling the cops. If the 17 year
> old doesn't have that job within the month, he needs to go. If they
> don't like it, they can leave now. Life's tough.. they need to face the
> music because you haven't done your job. Finals are the least of your
> problems.
>
> 'Kate

Well thank you for your valuable comments. I have done the best job I could
do under the circumstances, but 'pot' came along. It has affected my son's
friends too, from different backgrounds yet still with similar problems. I
know I am not the perfect mother but your comments about my kids kicking me
out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack couldn't
ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids.

[xkatx]

"Shelley" > wrote in message
...
>
> > I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've
> > totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick
> > you out and I seriously wonder how your disabled child is going to make
> > it in the world when you have no idea how to teach discipline and hard
> > work... long-term rewards. You need parenting classes.. fast. It's
> > probably too late for the older two. Tell them to straighten up, get
> > the dope out of the house, or you're calling the cops. If the 17 year
> > old doesn't have that job within the month, he needs to go. If they
> > don't like it, they can leave now. Life's tough.. they need to face the
> > music because you haven't done your job. Finals are the least of your
> > problems.
> >
> > 'Kate
>
> Well thank you for your valuable comments. I have done the best job I
could
> do under the circumstances, but 'pot' came along. It has affected my son's
> friends too, from different backgrounds yet still with similar problems. I
> know I am not the perfect mother but your comments about my kids kicking
me
> out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack
couldn't
> ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids.
>
>

It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have
passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come first
before you, ESPECIALLY your youngest who has special needs. Forget about
you, you, you for a moment. Pot doesn't just 'come along' like a stray dog
following you while you're on your daily 2 mile walk every day. Your
household lacks discipline and you need some help. Help is often a good
thing and should be sought before it's too late. Bla bla bla. I have to
get to work.
Stop and take a look around, and do what I did when I caught both my younger
brothers, both teenagers, with drugs. Tell them you're going to 'rat them
out' (might be in their own language that way) or that its the drugs that
leave or they do. Get the cops involved if you must, and really consider
your parenting style, ESPECIALLY if you really do believe that Miss Mary
Jane just walked into the lives of your 2 eldest sons and swept them off
their feet last week, last month, whatever. Ignorance. Shake your head.
You have no one to blame but yourself. Get control of your children, even
the oldest who is of age.


--
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet?

[Shelley]

> It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have
> passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come
first
> before you, ESPECIALLY your youngest who has special needs. Forget about
> you, you, you for a moment. Pot doesn't just 'come along' like a stray
dog
> following you while you're on your daily 2 mile walk every day. Your
> household lacks discipline and you need some help. Help is often a good
> thing and should be sought before it's too late. Bla bla bla. I have to
> get to work.
> Stop and take a look around, and do what I did when I caught both my
younger
> brothers, both teenagers, with drugs. Tell them you're going to 'rat them
> out' (might be in their own language that way) or that its the drugs that
> leave or they do. Get the cops involved if you must, and really consider
> your parenting style, ESPECIALLY if you really do believe that Miss Mary
> Jane just walked into the lives of your 2 eldest sons and swept them off
> their feet last week, last month, whatever. Ignorance. Shake your head.
> You have no one to blame but yourself. Get control of your children, even
> the oldest who is of age.
>
>
> --
> A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
> Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
> A: Top-posting.
> Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet?

My youngest child is my priority, above and beyond myself and his older
brothers and anything and everything else because that's the way it should
be. I came on here for advice and found myself being judged and sentenced by
people who don't even know me. Of the people that do know me, they have no
criticism except that I should be a bit firmer. However I am not a walkover.
I am tempted to throw the two older kids out but can't bring myself to take
such extreme action, and came on here hoping for softer options. Maybe there
are none, but that is no reason to criticise me. I am told all the time that
I matter too because I am exhausted. Apart from the kids I have a disabled
mother I help to care for with my bother. I don't think of myself, so I'm
told, nearly enough. I am studying to make a better life for all of us, but
that doesn't seem to matter. I guess the other people on here are just too
perfect to identify with my dysfunctional family.

[lm]

On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 09:11:49 +0100, "Shelley" >
wrote:

>
>> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've
>> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick
>> you out and I seriously wonder how your disabled child is going to make
>> it in the world when you have no idea how to teach discipline and hard
>> work... long-term rewards. You need parenting classes.. fast. It's
>> probably too late for the older two. Tell them to straighten up, get
>> the dope out of the house, or you're calling the cops. If the 17 year
>> old doesn't have that job within the month, he needs to go. If they
>> don't like it, they can leave now. Life's tough.. they need to face the
>> music because you haven't done your job. Finals are the least of your
>> problems.
>>
>> 'Kate
>
>Well thank you for your valuable comments. I have done the best job I could
>do under the circumstances, but 'pot' came along. It has affected my son's
>friends too, from different backgrounds yet still with similar problems. I
>know I am not the perfect mother but your comments about my kids kicking me
>out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack couldn't
>ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the kids.
>

Pot does NOT screw people up. Pot does NOT cause the problems you
describe. If you are too soft on your kids then a lack of discipline
is what's wrong. Using drugs is one of many things kids do when
there's something wrong. It's a symptom. Blaming the drugs is lazy.
Figure out what's wrong and fix it.

lm

[Shelley]

"lm" > wrote in message
...
> On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 09:11:49 +0100, "Shelley" >
> wrote:
>
> >
> >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've
> >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick
> >> you out and I seriously wonder how your disabled child is going to make
> >> it in the world when you have no idea how to teach discipline and hard
> >> work... long-term rewards. You need parenting classes.. fast. It's
> >> probably too late for the older two. Tell them to straighten up, get
> >> the dope out of the house, or you're calling the cops. If the 17 year
> >> old doesn't have that job within the month, he needs to go. If they
> >> don't like it, they can leave now. Life's tough.. they need to face
the
> >> music because you haven't done your job. Finals are the least of your
> >> problems.
> >>
> >> 'Kate
> >
> >Well thank you for your valuable comments. I have done the best job I
could
> >do under the circumstances, but 'pot' came along. It has affected my
son's
> >friends too, from different backgrounds yet still with similar problems.
I
> >know I am not the perfect mother but your comments about my kids kicking
me
> >out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack
couldn't
> >ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the
kids.
> >
>
> Pot does NOT screw people up. Pot does NOT cause the problems you
> describe. If you are too soft on your kids then a lack of discipline
> is what's wrong. Using drugs is one of many things kids do when
> there's something wrong. It's a symptom. Blaming the drugs is lazy.
> Figure out what's wrong and fix it.
>
> lm

You sound like my kids. But I have spoken to ex pot smokers who disagree.
There are also numerous articles on the subject. My oldest son followed peer
pressure, the younger followed his older brother who he looks up to.
I never smoked pot, despite problems as a teen, we all have them to a
degree. Wake up and smell the coffee....

[lm]

On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 15:25:06 +0100, "Shelley" >
wrote:

>
>"lm" > wrote in message
...
>> On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 09:11:49 +0100, "Shelley" >
>> wrote:
>>
>> >
>> >> I can't say it enough... these problems didn't just happen. You've
>> >> totally missed the mark as a parent. I think your children should kick
>> >> you out and I seriously wonder how your disabled child is going to make
>> >> it in the world when you have no idea how to teach discipline and hard
>> >> work... long-term rewards. You need parenting classes.. fast. It's
>> >> probably too late for the older two. Tell them to straighten up, get
>> >> the dope out of the house, or you're calling the cops. If the 17 year
>> >> old doesn't have that job within the month, he needs to go. If they
>> >> don't like it, they can leave now. Life's tough.. they need to face
>the
>> >> music because you haven't done your job. Finals are the least of your
>> >> problems.
>> >>
>> >> 'Kate
>> >
>> >Well thank you for your valuable comments. I have done the best job I
>could
>> >do under the circumstances, but 'pot' came along. It has affected my
>son's
>> >friends too, from different backgrounds yet still with similar problems.
>I
>> >know I am not the perfect mother but your comments about my kids kicking
>me
>> >out were really not helpful. Lots of people have told me that Jack
>couldn't
>> >ask for a better mother. My biggest fault is being too soft with the
>kids.
>> >
>>
>> Pot does NOT screw people up. Pot does NOT cause the problems you
>> describe. If you are too soft on your kids then a lack of discipline
>> is what's wrong. Using drugs is one of many things kids do when
>> there's something wrong. It's a symptom. Blaming the drugs is lazy.
>> Figure out what's wrong and fix it.
>>
>> lm
>
>You sound like my kids. But I have spoken to ex pot smokers who disagree.
>There are also numerous articles on the subject. My oldest son followed peer
>pressure, the younger followed his older brother who he looks up to.
>I never smoked pot, despite problems as a teen, we all have them to a
>degree. Wake up and smell the coffee....

My coffee is right here. You're not taking any responsibility for your
children's problems. Peer pressure and drugs are easy scapegoats. Get
rid of the pot and see what happens. I'm sure they'll be hardworking,
productive members of society then, like magic.

lm

[Deb]

"Shelley" > wrote in message >...
> > It's called, "DISCIPLINE" and it's something that you surely lack and have
> > passed the lack of it on to your children. Your children need to come
> first
> > before you, ESPECIALLY your youngest who has special needs. Forget about
> > you, you, you for a moment. Pot doesn't just 'come along' like a stray
> dog
> > following you while you're on your daily 2 mile walk every day. Your
> > household lacks discipline and you need some help. Help is often a good
> > thing and should be sought before it's too late. Bla bla bla. I have to
> > get to work.
> > Stop and take a look around, and do what I did when I caught both my
> younger
> > brothers, both teenagers, with drugs. Tell them you're going to 'rat them
> > out' (might be in their own language that way) or that its the drugs that
> > leave or they do. Get the cops involved if you must, and really consider
> > your parenting style, ESPECIALLY if you really do believe that Miss Mary
> > Jane just walked into the lives of your 2 eldest sons and swept them off
> > their feet last week, last month, whatever. Ignorance. Shake your head.
> > You have no one to blame but yourself. Get control of your children, even
> > the oldest who is of age.
> >
> >
> > --
> > A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
> > Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
> > A: Top-posting.
> > Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet?
>
> My youngest child is my priority, above and beyond myself and his older
> brothers and anything and everything else because that's the way it should
> be. I came on here for advice and found myself being judged and sentenced by
> people who don't even know me.

Just because you don't like the advice, doesn't mean you are being criticized.
Sometimes the truth hurts, that does not make it any less true.

Of the people that do know me, they have no
> criticism except that I should be a bit firmer. However I am not a walkover.
> I am tempted to throw the two older kids out but can't bring myself to take
> such extreme action, and came on here hoping for softer options. Maybe there
> are none, but that is no reason to criticise me. I am told all the time that
> I matter too because I am exhausted. Apart from the kids I have a disabled
> mother I help to care for with my bother. I don't think of myself, so I'm
> told, nearly enough. I am studying to make a better life for all of us, but
> that doesn't seem to matter. I guess the other people on here are just too
> perfect to identify with my dysfunctional family.

There is alot to be said for tough love, as the soft touch has been a miserable
failure so far. Throw the 24 yo out. Tell the 17 yo he is next if he does not
get his act together. Then you need to get your own act together, you can play
the martyred mom all you want, but you are doing yourself and your children a
great disservice. Why should they do anything when you are doing everything for
them, cut the apron strings. 2 cents