Just a question

[Jill]

Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for grandparents?
Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to anything
I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can tell
them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time to
come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
visit.

And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE time
to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
notice, or she cries?

Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never picked
up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did what
I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call from
my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
*reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.

But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me pretty
hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME to
break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her anything.
I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of her
demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called and
left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good visiting
time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she will
call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".

But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when my
husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call this
weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO very
hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She gets
upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
<eyeroll>

Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big track
and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round and
round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family bathroom
at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel was
so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go by
and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really enjoyed
it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.

[Amy]

I love my parents and inlaws, but we're going to have to put a stop to the
constant visiting soon. DD is 10 weeks, and the last 10 weeks have been as
follows - Sat, Sun - his parents. Mon, Tues - my parents. Wed, Thurs, Fri -
DH's days off and father/daughter time. Sometimes still spent with FIL. I
don't get any time for housework, because I'm entertaining grandparents. I
feel like a tag-along to DD all the time. MIL desperately wants some EBM so
she can have DD the night by herself. I'm fighting it all the way, because
my BF seems my only useful function and attachment to DD right now.
MIL has this really annoying if well-intentioned habit of rocking the baby
capsule and trying to settle DD whenever she cries, 'so I can finish my
meal', even if we're in a restaurant! She literally runs to DD. I feel it
undermines me, I can settle my own daughter, and this reaction seems to say
to me and everyone watching that I'm incapable of it. I get the feeling that
FIL feels it's an overreaction and probably wishes she would stop too, but
he wouldn't ever say anything.
We had a difficult time to begin with, with DH being sick and having had a
previous stillbirth, bonding didn't come easy. The undermining of my
mothering by loving, well-meaning grandparents was and is the last thing I
need. My own mother has been wonderful, since her mother constantly badgered
her about everything raising us kids, I think she's made a pact to herself
to not repeat it.
I do hear you Jill. I just wish I was assertive like you.

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>

[Jamie Clark]

Nope. You are not the only person whose home is not open 24/7. You aren't
even the only person whose family is psychotic, abnormal and dysfunctional.
But, you may well be the only person in your family to not cater to their
whims (any longer) and set boundaries.

All I can say, my dear, is stick to it. If you know that she's going to
pitch a fit on Monday, arrange to screen your calls, or be gone again.
Really, get out of the house. Or, actually, you might be able to nip it in
the bud, and give them a call and apologize for missing her -- you can tell
her that you'd already gone out and didn't get the message until you'd
gotten home. Just another reason to call and make plans ahead of time, so
you can be sure to be there for her. That type of thing. And do it when
your hubby is home, which also might put off a guilt trip. Whatever you do,
just don't get sucked into it. They can lay on all the guilt that they
want, but the moment she cries or screams, you can calmly say, "Gee mom,
you're obviously upset, let's talk later when you've calmed down. Love you.
Bye." Click. And if dad calls back yelling about hanging up on mom, you
repeat the same thing.

I am so PROUD of you for sticking to your guns and going out. I'm proud of
you for not engaging, not explaining, and not feeling sucked into her
emotional games. That's all you can do. Establishing boundaries with
people like this is tough, especially if you haven't done it much before.
She's going to turn up the heat a lot, to see if you'll break, like you
probably have done in the past. Don't break. Stand your ground.
Eventually, she'll play by the new rules, but it's going to take a long
time, a lot of her tears, and a lot of guilt trips from her and your dad.

Just keep doing what you've been doing. Rinse, repeat. Ad nauseum.

You go girl! Jill's growing a backbone! Whooo hooooo~!
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
Password: Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Check out our Adoption Page at http://www.geocities.com/clarkadopt2004/


"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
> grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
> anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
> tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
> to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
> time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
> picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
> what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
> from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
> pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
> to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
> anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
> her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
> and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
> visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
> will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
> my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
> this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
> very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
> gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
> track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
> and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
> bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
> was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
> by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
> enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>

[dlws92]

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?

I feel your pain...my in-laws are definatly "geezers on the go" and between
maj-jong, bridge, golf, volunteering with *other* children, evenings out
with their friends and 3 week cruises they don't get to see much of their
grandchildren.

Somehow, its all my fault. This summer they've been out of town at least 8
weeks. When they got back from their most recent cruise they wanted us
(hubby, me, 5 yr. old, 6mo.old) to drive over an hour to their non-kid
friendly condo (with a lake and river literally feet from their
non-childproofed patio doors) and visit with them between a bridge game and
an evening out at the theatre. Of course, the fact that my hubby works full
time, I'm a student and we have two young kids means *we* should be the ones
to drive because they're so busy....WITH LEISURE STUFF!!!
They don't blame my husband for saying no...it really is my fault
(evil-daughter-in-law).

You did the right thing by leaving. If she calls you and starts crying,
hang up the phone. Handling this now is *great* practice for having a
toddler! :)

Debby

[Chotii]

"Jill" > wrote in message
...

> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents?

Well, my difficulty is different, but not *so* different....my MIL comes
over and begins cleaning and rearranging my house. I wish she'd say "Is
there anything you'd like me to do?" or "Is there anything I can help with?"
But what happens instead is, she walks in, makes the judgment that the house
needs her help, and begins working. After 2 days of this, last weekend, I
started hiding in other rooms because I was afraid I was totally going to
lose it and yell at her. I don't get it. Yes, her house is very clean, but I
would never even consider walking into her basement, for example, and
cleaning it for her. I'd consider it an insult.

But I can never seem to think of the right way to bring it up, without
creating a major conflict I can't escape, which cannot be talked through
calmly either, and which will cause another months-long rift to have to heal
from. So I just don't say anything. Kudos to you for being able to say
something.

--angela

[shixa]

Why would someone leave a message TELLING you that they're on their
way over when you don't answer the phone?! I don't get it -- how or
more importantly WHY do they think you're home when you don't answer
the phone? Why would you say you're coming to someone's house when
they're 'not home'?

cuckoo, cuckoo.

Carla
Mom to Victor Paul born 5.16.04
www.victorpictures.com <--See him here!

[A&G&K&H]

Jill,
Make full use of the answering machine. I do but am still trying to
convince DH that most people understand that you might not be able to drop
everything to answer the phone when you are knee deep in a "pumpkin souper"
(nappy), bathing a baby, feeing a baby, sleeping, otherwise occupied. He
always answers the phone when it rings just as dinner hits the table and its
*always* for me.

I can't imagine being told that I have to stay home with the baby just
because X wants to visit *now*.
My Mum and Dad only live 7 km away, but they almost always call first ...
not that I mind them dropping in because my Mum is one of my best friends.
She just about always calls first so that she knows we'll be home ... and if
she drops in because she was passing by and we are not there, she just says
"oh well" and continues on her merry way.

I've just ignored some JWs who have been knocking on the door for the past
five minutes - DH is in the shower, DD is puddling about in there too, I'd
just put DS down for a sleep and I wanted to log on!!

I know she's your Mum, but she sounds really manipulative. Set your rules
about calling to arrange a *mutually* convenient time first and stick to
them I say!
Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
DS 20th August 2004


"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>

[Ericka Kammerer]

Jill wrote:

> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for grandparents?

My house is pretty much open, BUT...only because my
parents would never abuse the privilege. If my parents did
what your mom does, I'd be setting some boundaries and sticking
to them as well.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[Unadulterated Me]

Jill wrote:

And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me.

Well don't answer the phone, and if you don't want to hear a message
disbale the message thingy whotzit.

Andrea

[Cathy]

Jill wrote:
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
> grandparents?

No! I hate unexpected guests, incl. grandparents. When DD was little, they
hardly ever came here - we went to see them. Now that DD is older and
'routine' is a bit more flexible, they will pop in unannounced, but maybe
once every 2 months - the rest of the time they let me know they are coming.

Cathy
DD 8 Jan 03
EDD 8 Dec 04

[Jenrose]

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
> grandparents?

My mother occasionally drops by unannounced, but it's rarely an issue for
us, because she's more help than hindrance in most cases. She did call a few
days ago wanting to bring my aunt by to see the house... which is a total,
unmitigated disaster area. AND I was in the middle of working on something
with a friend (the kind of friend who *is* allowed to come when my house is
a disaster area). I said, "You can come, but I'm busy with something and
can't play hostess right now. I'd prefer a time next week when my house is
cleaner."

She was surprised, but just said, "Okay, next week then."

I drop by her place almost every day though--we get along great and like
each other.

I *wish* DH's parents would do something as bold as dropping in
unannoucned...but they live 3000 miles away and don't like to travel.:(

Jenrose

[Amy]

"Chotii" > wrote in message
...
>
> Well, my difficulty is different, but not *so* different....my MIL comes
> over and begins cleaning and rearranging my house. I wish she'd say "Is
> there anything you'd like me to do?" or "Is there anything I can help
with?"

That sounds familiar. My MIL tried to MAKE OUR BED the other day. I stood in
our bedroom door and wouldn't let her through. Sheesh! No amount of
reasoning would deter her, so in the end I told her in exasperation she
might find a wet spot. You _do not_ make another couple's bed. Major
personal space invasion there!
lol...reminds me of the other day at the 'Baby & You' course DH & I are
doing, and some other Mums where saying how their MIL's come round and fold
the washing - so they always make sure they take out the underwear first :-)
How bad can your MIL be Chotii? I have a friend on another forum whose MIL
decorated her bedroom with blue lace curtains, a leopard print bedspread and
gold lame cushions - while she was still in the hospital! :-O

[Amy]

Or more to the point, why do they think that you'll open the door to them
when you won't even take their calls? ;-)

"shixa" > wrote in message
...
> Why would someone leave a message TELLING you that they're on their
> way over when you don't answer the phone?! I don't get it -- how or
> more importantly WHY do they think you're home when you don't answer
> the phone? Why would you say you're coming to someone's house when
> they're 'not home'?
>
> cuckoo, cuckoo.
>
> Carla
> Mom to Victor Paul born 5.16.04
> www.victorpictures.com <--See him here!

[Vicky Bilaniuk]

Amy wrote:
> "Chotii" > wrote in message
> ...
>
>>Well, my difficulty is different, but not *so* different....my MIL comes
>>over and begins cleaning and rearranging my house. I wish she'd say "Is
>>there anything you'd like me to do?" or "Is there anything I can help
>
> with?"
>
> That sounds familiar. My MIL tried to MAKE OUR BED the other day. I stood in
> our bedroom door and wouldn't let her through. Sheesh! No amount of
> reasoning would deter her, so in the end I told her in exasperation she
> might find a wet spot. You _do not_ make another couple's bed. Major
> personal space invasion there!
> lol...reminds me of the other day at the 'Baby & You' course DH & I are
> doing, and some other Mums where saying how their MIL's come round and fold
> the washing - so they always make sure they take out the underwear first :-)
> How bad can your MIL be Chotii? I have a friend on another forum whose MIL
> decorated her bedroom with blue lace curtains, a leopard print bedspread and
> gold lame cushions - while she was still in the hospital! :-O
>
>

I must have the dream MIL. First, she doesn't visit often. Second,
when she does, she takes us out for lunch. Third, she never lifts a
finger in the house and never says anything about the state of
cleanliness around here (*thankfully* - but she is used to her youngest
son, who doesn't keep his house clean at all and who won't let anyone
visit him because of that). And last but not least, she bought us a
dryer, but leaves the operation of it to us. ;-)

[Jill]

"Chotii" > wrote
> But I can never seem to think of the right way to bring it up, without
> creating a major conflict I can't escape, which cannot be talked through
> calmly either, and which will cause another months-long rift to have to
heal
> from. So I just don't say anything. Kudos to you for being able to say
> something.

I say something but it is talking to the dead air, because she refuses to
listen. I hate that too-- my mom and my sister in law both have stepped into
my house and started rearranging. Not just cleaning, rearranging. My sister
in law opened things from the cabinet and set them out- and this was the
first and only time she has been in my house! I asked my husband, why in the
hell she would go through my cabinets, see something, and open it up and set
it out where she wants it, displayed on the counter???? The mind boggles.
She also filled my soap dispenser by opening a brand new package of liquid
soap, when I did not want or currently use that soap- I had another kind of
liquid soap I used. She found the dispenser and sealed soap under my sink in
the cabinet. HIGHLY annoying! My mom puts dishes in the cabinets she wants
them to go in and cracked *3* of my good glasses that do not GO in the
dishwasher, by going in there and doing dishes when I told her not to, just
after I had the baby and I was napping while she was supposed to just be
holding the baby- key word, I told her NOT to do ANY housework because I
wanted to do it. I had to throw those glasses away and they were part of a
set, a wedding gift. My mom also moves cnadles from one room to another room
where she says they "go better"- and takes off/opens the lids to all the
scented candles. I get migraines, that is a no-no. I like candles and can
use them in a very limited way- but I can't have them open all over my
house! But that was just plain annoying- there is NO reason for that. She
also rearranged the baby's nursery, and totally reversed her crib- she said
the mobile belonged on the other side of the crib, and I told her I have it
the way I want it- don't move it. When I walked away for a few minutes, she
breezed past my husband, told him t was on wrong, and moved it- she didn't
screw it with the parts facing correctly, and screwed the sharp part facing
the crib, and scratched up our $350 crib that was gift from MIL! That ****ed
me off- it was a long time before I said something to her about that. It
took me 45 minutes to redress the crib and move the mobile back to the way I
had it. I finally went off on her one later day when she made a comment
about poor her, poor this, poor her that, no one lets her this or that. She
ended by saying well she is not a guest in my house and she is not company
and I blew up- and O told her the reason she is treated like a PITA is
because she IS, and just went off on her for the crib thing, reminding her
that she did that AFTER I asked her not to. And told her she IS a guest in
this house, ending with a smarty "Do you pay the mortgage? Are you ON the
mortgage? Then you are a guest, not part owner." sigh......BUT it does no
good! She cries and gets my dad to jump on me and goes right back to doing
her little things. She has this "I dare you to say something to me, I will
have your dad GET you" little attitude going on. She instigates situations,
but then doesn't finish her battles. Because then, she is the poor victim of
someone's irrational treatment of her.

This is all fresh on my mind, because she is stirring up crap again.

[Jill]

"shixa" > wrote in message
news:ucb4k0dvai2qlp7jmk80kdivqiin01pq14@
>
> cuckoo, cuckoo.
>
> Carla
> Mom to Victor Paul born 5.16.04
> www.victorpictures.com <--See him here!

LOL!! well, in her world, people who don't answer the phone when she wants
to come over are ignoring her and trying to keep her from her grandchild.
cuckoo is right.

[Jill]

"Jenrose" > wrote >
I *wish* DH's parents would do something as bold as dropping in
> unannoucned...but they live 3000 miles away and don't like to travel.:(
>
> Jenrose

I wish my DH's parents would visit and they only live 3 hours away. I
wrongly thought, when I was pregnant, that they would be coming all the time
and expecting to stay in our home when we don't have room. But they NEVER
come and haven't come since Rachel was born. We keep asking them and asking
them, to come and even stay here, but they are always busy, I feel bad- it
feels like they are slighting Rachel even though I know they are
not.........they just don't get out much.

[Cate]

"Jill" > wrote in
:

> She
> ended by saying well she is not a guest in my house and she is not
> company and I blew up- and O told her the reason she is treated like a
> PITA is because she IS, and just went off on her for the crib thing,
> reminding her that she did that AFTER I asked her not to. And told her
> she IS a guest in this house, ending with a smarty "Do you pay the
> mortgage? Are you ON the mortgage? Then you are a guest, not part
> owner." sigh......BUT it does no good!

[I'm a month-long lurker who's TTC, and this is my first post.]

I have a similarly difficult mother, and I'm already dreading what's
going to escalate after (fingers crossed) we have a baby. Lucky for me
she's 3 hours away.

I've recently become pretty adept at managing my relationship with her
(about time, since I'm 35) so I thought I'd chime in.

I suggest picking a time when it's just the two of you and things are
calm, and having a no-nonsense talk about *all* your boundaries
(actually more of a speech than a talk). Tell her it's not ok to do
rearrange your furniture/do the dishes/come over without asking/whatever
without your express permission--*each time*. Don't give her a reason;
tell her that's the rule and that you intend to ask her to leave if she
ever violates your trust by breaking it. I don't mean ex-communicate her
from your life, but to ask her to leave the house for that day if you
catch her doing things you've asked her not to do.

And let me repeat: Don't give a reason for your rules. That opens you up
to arguments and rationalization, and it will likely deteriorate into a
conversation about how nobody lets her do what she wants, poor grandma,
blah blah blah.

The only consequences she's seeing right now for her actions are
arguments that ultimately are an opportunity for her to talk about
herself and how she's not getting what she wants. That's why I suggest
asking her to leave (or for you to leave if you're out with her or at
her house) so the situation can immediately become diffused if she's
acting up. If she breaks the rule repeatedly, send her a typed reminder
in the mail (don't cloud the issue by writing a letter too; just the
list of rules on paper) and ask her to post it on her fridge since she's
obviously 'having trouble remembering.'

And kudos to you for going out anyway after she left that stupid
message.

Cate

[CY]

I sympathize with you Jill, and I have no advice, but I can't help but feel
a teensy bit sad because I have the exact opposite problem. All my DD's
grandparents live thousands of miles away and I never get to see my mother
and I almost wish that they would show up unannounced. KWIM? It would be
such a delightful surprise! However, if they lived nearby I know it would
drive me crazy if they expected me to drop everything for them. I think you
did the right thing - if I were you I would probably never answer the
phone!! {{Jill}}
"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>

[Beach mum]

MIL regularly says that she'd like to see E this week, but when I tell her
my schedule she can't come (she doesn't work and doesn't have leisure
activities but is the busiest person I know). I've invited her to classes
and playgroups but she's usually booked. That would be fine, but she then
complains to SIL that I don't allow her to see E enough. Phooey. What is it
with these grandmothers that they expect us to completely change our
schedules to fit theirs. She even asks if we can change a nap or bedtime so
it's more convenient to her.

Her latest is that she said that all religious families allow their children
to stay up late on erev Rosh Hashanah (the night before the holiday starts
where you have a big family meal). I told her that this was nice, but that E
wakes up at 4 a.m. when she stays up too late (i.e. much after 7:30) and I
don't need the lack of sleep. She implied that it was my mothering rather
than E's personality that makes her this inflexible. I find it rather hard
to believe that E is the only baby that can't stay up really late and that
ALL religious families do the same thing. Oy!!!

--
Melissa (in Los Angeles)
Mum to Elizabeth 4/13/03
and ??? due early 3/05

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
> grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
> anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
> tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
> to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
> time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
> picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
> what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
> from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
> pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
> to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
> anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
> her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
> and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
> visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
> will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
> my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
> this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
> very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
> gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
> track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
> and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
> bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
> was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
> by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
> enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>

[Amy]

"Vicky Bilaniuk" > wrote in message
...
>
> I must have the dream MIL. First, she doesn't visit often. Second,
> when she does, she takes us out for lunch.

My MIL does this too. Seriously, she's great, but she did take it too far
that day!

Third, she never lifts a
> finger in the house and never says anything about the state of
> cleanliness around here (*thankfully* - but she is used to her youngest
> son, who doesn't keep his house clean at all and who won't let anyone
> visit him because of that). And last but not least, she bought us a
> dryer, but leaves the operation of it to us. ;-)

Sounds like a saint!

[Kelly]

No house should be open 24/7 to visitors to "drop-in" unless the homeowner
desires so. Kudos for you to stick to YOUR schedule and the needs of Rachel
(like having mommy get a treat) It sounds like it is near impossible for
you to make prearranged plans with your mother-although very convenient and
easy for most-as she would be offended by the appointment like arrangement.
Sheesh. Maybe some intense phone screening and long day trips to the
library and coffee shop will be a hint. Good luck and remember, you are in
charge of your house and the well being of Rachel :)

Kelly
#4 2/05

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>

[Kelly]

So, she is right. And she hasn't caught on yet? ;)

Kelly

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> "shixa" > wrote in message
> news:ucb4k0dvai2qlp7jmk80kdivqiin01pq14@
> >
> > cuckoo, cuckoo.
> >
> > Carla
> > Mom to Victor Paul born 5.16.04
> > www.victorpictures.com <--See him here!
>
> LOL!! well, in her world, people who don't answer the phone when she wants
> to come over are ignoring her and trying to keep her from her grandchild.
> cuckoo is right.
>
>

[Jenrose]

"Kelly" > wrote in message
...
> No house should be open 24/7 to visitors to "drop-in" unless the homeowner
> desires so.

My parents keep their home open to me and my sister 24/7 if needed, although
they will certainly send me home if they feel like it. But we've got the
kind of relationship where they can say, "Go home" and it's not a big hairy
deal.

My daughter and husband also have that kind of "open door" with them--in
fact, one of the things my parents make a big deal about with potential
son-in-laws is the presenting of the key... it's like, "Okay, you're
officially part of the family now. Would you mow the lawn?"

<g>

One of the things about this is that they insist that if people are going to
fit in the "not guest" category, that they do their fair share and respect
the space. But then again, we don't go in and rearrange things radically
without asking generally, either.

My parents are always welcome at my house, though it always suprises me a
little when they show up unannounced, it's just rarely a big deal. We know
that we take each other as we get us... If mom comes and I'm still in bed,
so be it.

But my parents respect my right to parent, and I respect their abilities as
grandparents. I've earned their respect and they've earned mine. I'm
perfectly capable, if my mother crosses a line, and she does occasionally,
of saying, "Hey, that's not okay." And she will get her feelings hurt for a
minute, then think about it and apologize. Or we'll figure out a way to not
have that argument later.

Back to the OP....

It was not always this way. But I had to live with them when my daughter was
tiny, and we hashed out a whole lot of boundary issues there because we had
to. I remember the first time we got into a "guilt trip" argument where she
started off on what a bad mother she must be, and rather than playing along,
I said, "I'm tired of this argument, we never go anywhere with it, I'm
leaving until you're willing to have this conversation on a different
level." About 10 minute later she said, "You're right, let's not do that
again" and for the most part, in the past, oh, 10 years since that
conversation, I think we've flirted with that conversation twice and both
times pulled back and said we're not going there.

Our biggest issue that comes up, quite honestly, is that the way I parent
*is* different from how she parented me, but it's *very much* how she might
have parented me if she'd had better information, support, etc. Sometimes
I'll rant about some general issue that's bugging me, and she'll take it
personally, even though it's really not aimed at her at all, NOR is it a
criticism of what she did as a parent. Quite honestly, I think I got off
very lucky compared to many of my peers, in that my father was very
involved, I was breastfed for more than 6 months, and my parents were
relatively careful about what I ate in my earliest years. Yes, some of the
parenting stuff they did had permanent effects on who I am as a person. No,
I don't "blame" them for it, because I've *seen* what they had to work with.
I was very fortunate that my mother ignored "The Doctor's Guide to
Breastfeeding", which insisted mothers should scrub their nipples with
alcohol before every feed to sterilize them. She was less fortunate in that
no one ever taught her how to fix my latch, so nursing hurt her and she did
it anyway for 6+ months. Yeah, I was picked up by my feet and whacked on the
butt and stashed in the nursery when I was born. She hated that so much that
she didn't let them check my sister into the hospital at all and left 6
hours after the birth. See, although I know that my birth and babyhood were
not how I'd parent a new baby, it was watching my parents do it differently
with my sister that truly shaped my path to parenting. So I have to give her
credit for the mother I am, even if it didn't come from how she mothered me
"by the numbers." But she still kicks herself, and it took me finally
explaining to her, "Look, if you look at me and say that you're a bad
mother, I look at myself and wonder what kind of daughter I am that you
think you failed so badly." That shocked her.

When it comes right down to it, it's important to remember that barring a
strong effort or external influence to the contrary, we tend to "default" to
how we were mothered as babies. Not in the fine detail, but in things like
our general comfort level with small infants, etc. Mom had a babyhood
characterized by illness, separation and difficulty in capturing her
mother's attention. She had to work *very* hard to mother my sister and I
differently, and it was a struggle for her. It took being a teenager through
my sister's infancy and the first couple weeks of parenting my daughter for
me to cross a threshold away from struggling with infancy to figuring out
how to parent an infant anyway. When I got my foster son, it was incredibly
striking how hard I had to work every minute to parent the way I wanted to
rather than to follow my instincts. Without the birth hormones and
breastfeeding, I had to make every "instinctive parenting" action
deliberate, conscious and purposeful, and I had to really surpress some
primal urges to reject this baby that was "notmine". I *did* it, but it
really took a couple weeks of deliberately going through the motions before
those motions got natural again. From the outside, I was told by almost
everyone who interacted with us that I was "such a natural" with babies,
that I made it look "so easy". *Doing* the parenting was not any harder than
parenting any other way, but it was definitely an effort to follow my heart
rather than this basic biological urge to push the baby away. Ultimately
since he went on to an adoptive placement elsewhere, it was startlingly easy
after the first couple days he was gone to just let go.

By contrast... my sister and my daughter, both of whom were held as much as
they wanted as infants, demand fed, responded to quickly, etc. were complete
and total naturals with the baby. It was NOT an effort for them, and they
barely seemed to think about it. My sister would often pick the baby up from
me, flop him over her shoulder and go work on homework. My daughter would
snuggle up to him and chat at him while I took a shower. My mother struggled
with him--was able to care for him, but it took constant effort and created
tension. For me, effort, yes, tension, no.

I think often the difficulties we have with our parents over parenting and
boundaries like this come down to either how they were treated as babies or
a basic internal conflict when they see how differently a baby can be
parented from how they did it, or both. For some people this conflict
creates growth... an opportunity to look at their past, their parents and
their own parenting, and realize that their experience happened in a larger
context. Others shut down, stick their fingers in their ears and insist that
their way is right, the only way, and anything else is a personal attack,
criticism or just plain loony.

I lucked out in that my parents were going through a whole lot of
introspection, counselling, etc. during the time it really could have been
an issue/problem. I'm also very fortunate that they are open-minded people
who looked at their granddaughter and ultimately said, "You know, she's a
great kid, and you're doing something right." They could have just as easily
said, "If you're going to live in our house, do it our way."

I know midwives who say that they are struck by how much of mothering they
have to teach to their clients sometimes--that some "get it" and others
don't have a clue because they never got what they needed as babies to just
"know" how to be with a baby. There were actually really horrific research
case studies many years ago where babies were raised by parents feeding "at
arms length" with minimal interaction. When those children grew up and had
babies of their own, they tended to resist strongly bringing the baby close
to their bodies, etc. I find it truly amazing how profound an effect that
early parenting can have. That by parenting my own babies close to my heart
and meeting their needs on demand, I am teaching them to have more of a
"knack" for parenting down the road. I don't even have to be doing it
instinctively myself--by "going through the motions" I'm still laying down
those brain pathways.

Ultimately, we have to set boundaries with our parents no matter what about
what is and isn't okay, just like they have to set them with us. But I think
it's more important to focus on what we *are* doing with our kids, and how
that's going to affect their parenting later on. It's taken several
generations, but I already see a kind of instinctive mothering in my
not-yet-teenage daughter that is many steps advanced from my own mothering
(I'm a damn good mother, and I don't think the outward appearance of our
mothering would look much different ultimately, but I think it tends to come
more naturally for her) and leapyears ahead of what my own mother had. Mom
managed to shape both of her daughters into a more instinctive pattern of
mothering than she herself had--which I find heartening.

Jenrose

[Zaz]

Wow. Sounds like MY mother!

She lives far, but she loves to drive... Well, that part is over for now,
and I feel you're getting there by your reaction. At one point I told my
mother that I could not reorganise my life around her leasure, and that if
she did want to see me, she'd have to tell me in advance. She freaked. She
cried. She did everything. At one point, she said "You don't want to see me,
isn't that the truth?" And I plainly answered: "You're right, I don't want
to see you if you don't ask first, and if it doesn't suit BOTH our
schedule."

Good luck, stick to your guns, and don't feel guilty about it (she'd win,
wouldn't she?)

"Jill" > wrote in message
...
> Am I the only one whose home is not a 24/7 open invitation for
> grandparents?
> Since those visiting traditionally tend to interfere/put a stop to
> anything
> I am doing, I ask EVEN the grandparents to call before coming so I can
> tell
> them if it is not a good time, and preferably to make plans ahead of time
> to
> come by so I know it will be a good time, I will MAKE it a good time for a
> visit.
>
> And you know obviously who I am talking about here. SHe cried on the phone
> and hung up on me a couple days ago because she told me she was coming to
> see the baby and I told her it was not a good time because I already had
> plans to go out (the truth!). She huffed and puffed- she deemed it THE
> time
> to come because it was in between her golf and bowling and nursing home
> visits, and playing music with her band etc- all HER leisure activities.
> What, I am supposed to drop everythiong to fit in her schedule, with no
> notice, or she cries?
>
> Well, today she called and left me a voice message in a "tone" of voice
> saying I am coming right now and I am telling you. I am. If you have a
> problem with that, nah nah etc etc. Well, I never spoke to her, never
> picked
> up the phone- I was not taking that bait for another loverly argument. But
> she knows because of the way we get along, and the way she tries to have
> everything her way, that I am not playing her tune. I had plans to go out,
> so that I did- I left the house without thinking twice about it and did
> what
> I was going to do with Rachel. I suppose I will get an angry phone call
> from
> my dad, I mean, how DARE I *Leave my house* when someone tells me they are
> coming no matter what becuase they have to see the baby. She didn't even
> *reach* me in person as I was in the shower getting ready to leave.
>
> But anyway, my mom gets my dad on me and they have been pushing on me
> pretty
> hard here lately. She can come see Rachel but not always on HER desired
> schedule. If she can''t bear to cancel a golf game that's for fun with one
> of her friends, then don't complain when *I* have plans that she wants ME
> to
> break because she snaps her finger. I don't want her to cancel her
> anything.
> I just want her to ASK, and not demand and push push push. I am tired of
> her
> demanding to have her way. She can see Rachel at ANY mutually agreed upon
> time she wants to. *mutually agreed upon*= it works for me. I have invited
> her to come on Monday afternoon, all afternoon already, when she called
> and
> left me the message saying No she was coming TODAY. But anyway, the last
> time she wanted to come when I had other plans I offered her a good
> visiting
> time and she cried. Because she wanted to come NOW. She does that- she
> will
> call and say "I have to see the baby NOW. I am on my way".
>
> But anyway----- this begs the question. Am I the only one on earth, who is
> not a 24/7 free for all with visiting grandparents? jesus. And she NEVER
> ever, no way, does this when she knows my husband is home- like she called
> today, but no way will she call tonight- she will wait until Monday when
> my
> husband goes back to work and then she will have my dad call here and jump
> on me. Or she will call, crying and picking a fight.But they won't call
> this
> weekend when he is home. This annoys the p*ss out of me, my family is so
> abnormal.SInce I don't get along with my mom and find her comment s SO
> very
> hard to take/take/take, I don't look forward to her visits anyway. She
> gets
> upset when Rachel is fussy or doesn't want to be held. Come to think of it
> my mom is ALWAYS upset about something, and it is usually me or my fault.
> <eyeroll>
>
> Anyway, I had a nice day today. Me and Miss Rachel went to Hobby Lobby and
> tinkered and looked at crafty things until we were tuckered out, then we
> went to the library and checked out some books. The library has a big
> track
> and field/playground behind it and we strolled for about an hour , round
> and
> round. Then we took a nice long drive. (I nursed her in the family
> bathroom
> at the library while we were there). I also stopped for a snack. Rachel
> was
> so happy to be out of this house, she is starting to get fussy if days go
> by
> and we don't go at least out somewhere for a bit- so cute! I really
> enjoyed
> it. It is getting easier tot ake her out except for nursing time.
>
>