Leonardo H
September 26th 04, 02:11 AM
I was involved with a woman in the state of Virginia. I was 29 and she
was 32. We got pregnant with a
baby while we were living together.
We went to a doctor and they tested. When it was positive she looked at
me with the biggest tentative
smile. And I was amazed at how happy she seemed.
We were having a rocky relationship, and I thought this would help us get
along.
At this time I was self employed selling art and doing freelance web
design.
Four months later she decided to leave.
She went to NY state to live with her mother.
She said she didn't go expecting to continue our relationship.
After coming to visit me in the house we had lived together, she told me
that if I got a job to support
us, she would move with me and we would have a family.
A couple of months after that I found a job in Maryland in my field. It
paid very little, about 21k a
year, but I thought it would be a great stepping stone to creating a
future.
I moved to Maryland and as time passed she did not move with me. I had
gotten a nice appartment I knew
she would like. Sometimes she would visit and things were not so good.
I would often go visit her in NY from Maryland, and things were not so
good. I was frustrated that she
wasn't moving with me.
She came to the conclusion later on that she could not move with me
because we could not afford it. And
at her situation living with her mother it was better because she helped
her with finances.
At some point I got terribly frustrated that she was not moving and she
was going to go to Lamas
(breathing) classes with her mother instead of asking me to take the trip
up. So I decided to distance
myself and not talk to her anymore.
A month after that or so, I had a call from my mother. She said I should
speak to Beth (her) and it was
important.
I called her and she said she knew of a way by which I would not have to
worry about paying child
support (this was not something we had talked about, I had raised no
concerns about this and probably
thought nothing of it). We didn't talk long. I was not told what her idea
was.
I called my mother and she told me that the reason I had to talk to Beth
was that the baby was born
early. I was at work when I heard this. My stomach fell to my feet and I
simply walked outside and a
block away I fell to my knees in desperation. I was crushed that I had
talked to her the day before and
all she had said was that she knew a way through which I would not have
to be responsible for the baby.
A baby boy. I thought 'my son lives'. I thought, I have a baby boy. I
felt desperate that I was left out
like this.
Beth asked me to visit a few days later and I did. I asked what his name
was, and she had given him the
name I had chosen for him.
And I asked who the father was on the birth certificate, and she said
there was no father on the birth
certificate. I asked to be in the paper, but she said she was hessitant
about having me there. Because
one day she may find a man she would marry, and what if they wanted to
move somewhere.
I think she didn't want to have me on the paper because didn't want to
share the rights to the child.
Later on her mother and herself told me I was free of responsibility.
More time passed and we started working some things out. And we got back
together.
I was still coming to visit, and at some point she came with Kya (the
baby) and spend a month with me.
It was kind of very nice, and trying as well- But I felt whole. I decided
not to be angry that I didnt
know the baby was born, that she had'nt moved here, that I was not on the
birth certificate. I told her
I wanted her to feel safe enough that she would want me on the birth
certificate.
Time passed and through the constant fights and misundestandings we are
still trying to figure a way to
have a family together.
At some point we got pregnant again. By now Kya is 5 months old. And we
are 3 week pregnant with another
baby. She asked me on the phone what I thought, and I said I thought we
should have an abortion, that we
could not raise two babies.
She's against abortion, so she got very mad and we didnt talk for a
while.
I told her I was not ready to have two kids and be with a pregnant woman
long distance all over again.
During this time I got very deppressed, and I was researching suicide.
I posted in a suicide newsgroup on an idea I had and I asked for comments
on if it would work.
Somehow my full name was on there. I may have noticed but I didn't care.
Beth made a search for my name. And found my posting of suicide.
She started trying to talk to me. But I was deathly affraid to be hurt
anymore in the state I was in.
And it came out that she had broken into an email account I had
somewhere.
She said she did it because she had found my suicide post and wanted to
find out more about me.
This email account was about 9 years old, perhaps. In it I had hundreds
of email exchanges with men and
women about sex.
She found out I had had a romp with a cross dresser while she was in NY,
found out that I had been
putting up sex ads when we were together, etc.
These were things I did very privately because I did not have a
satisfying sex life with her- or
emotional either.
I never had a fling with anyone while we were living together.
Anyhow this was devastating to her. She was not freaked out by any of it,
because she had had her own
wild past. But she felt inmensely betrayed.
She said I was a fake, that all i was was a lie, etc.
Soon thereafter she made an appointment to get an abortion.
I was driving to see her and I searched inside. I was still feeling like
I wanted to die. And the fact
that she had found this email account was far from my attention.
I made a decision in that drive.
I decided that I really did want to die.
I decided also that if this life was mine to throw away, I should at
least try moving to NY and being
with her.
That night we went out to a bar and I told her that I was willing to give
up all of myself. That I just
wanted to be with her and raise my babies. That i would do anything,
whatever she needed to be alright.
I would move to her city, I would leave my career, I would stop
complaining about sex, about lack of
affection, about everything. I told her if she wanted to keep the baby we
would find a way. I told her
the thought of her having an abortion was horrible to me, and I was
scared for her safety.
I made that decision in not a lot of time, but it was careful. I knew
what I was giving up. And I only
suspected what I would gain- A family. It was a hard choice, because she
was someone that I didn't feel
loved by.
That night she talked about the email she had found, and told me a lot of
things that were hard to hear.
But I did my best. And I listened and although I felt a lot of what had
happened was her fault, I
resigned to beind deemed the worthless betrayer who is all self and no
love and other people. I let
myself be portrayed as the liar, the bad person who hurt someone. And a
lot of this I believe.
The next day we did not go to the abortion. I was glad.
I tentatively asked if it made a difference what I had told her. That I
would go ahead and accept being
a father all over again and things would be what she needed them to be.
She said that no, that the real thing that made her change her mind was
that I let her talk about the
cheating.
We had a few weeks of peace after that.
Until one day she talked about an ex boyfriend, and I said i didn't want
to hear about her in another
man's arms. I was hurt and we got into a fight.
I haven't been there for weeks.
I tried talking to her on the phone and writing, being pleasant and
talking about life, not just
ourselves. It seemed to be working until a few days later she said to
come over. And I asked 'do you
want me to come, do you miss me?' and she said she had to be honest and
that it was not black and white.
That it was very complicated and she had bad feelings about me.
I said that I would gladly drive the hundreds of miles to see her as I
had so many times but I needed to
know that I was welcome, that she *wanted* me to come.
She said that I was proving that I was not interested in a family with
her, and that I just wanted to
put words in her mouth.
I want things to work out with us. I don't think I should go to see her
until she says she wants me to.
I don't think she will.
I send her money as much as i can, I'm poor. I make 21k a year, no health
benefits.
I'm still feeling suicidal, and I don't know what to make of my life.
I have no friends in this town, and I have no ambitions for another love.
I just wish I could work things out with her.
I'm trying to think ahead as well.
I know that if I tried to get joint custody of the babies, she would
bring up the email stuff. I know
that she expects me to send about $300 for helping with Kya every month,
and I barely have that, last
month I sent $240, this month I will have $300.
She likely expects me to send another $300 when the other baby is born.
I'm really trying to know what to do, what to expect. Financially.
I'm still not the father on paper. Should I therefore not send money
because it's self accusatory? It
shows that I am the father?
What is going to happen to me if I can't pay this money every month?
What is going to happen if I am not on the birth certificate of these
children? Will I just have to pay
child support fot 18 years and have no rights with my children?
I'm so scared, comfused, desperate, and i jsut don't know where to turn.
I hope someone reads this and
maybe has some comments. I really don't know what to do. I am thinking of
leaving this town beacuse I'm
going to end up killing myself here.
was 32. We got pregnant with a
baby while we were living together.
We went to a doctor and they tested. When it was positive she looked at
me with the biggest tentative
smile. And I was amazed at how happy she seemed.
We were having a rocky relationship, and I thought this would help us get
along.
At this time I was self employed selling art and doing freelance web
design.
Four months later she decided to leave.
She went to NY state to live with her mother.
She said she didn't go expecting to continue our relationship.
After coming to visit me in the house we had lived together, she told me
that if I got a job to support
us, she would move with me and we would have a family.
A couple of months after that I found a job in Maryland in my field. It
paid very little, about 21k a
year, but I thought it would be a great stepping stone to creating a
future.
I moved to Maryland and as time passed she did not move with me. I had
gotten a nice appartment I knew
she would like. Sometimes she would visit and things were not so good.
I would often go visit her in NY from Maryland, and things were not so
good. I was frustrated that she
wasn't moving with me.
She came to the conclusion later on that she could not move with me
because we could not afford it. And
at her situation living with her mother it was better because she helped
her with finances.
At some point I got terribly frustrated that she was not moving and she
was going to go to Lamas
(breathing) classes with her mother instead of asking me to take the trip
up. So I decided to distance
myself and not talk to her anymore.
A month after that or so, I had a call from my mother. She said I should
speak to Beth (her) and it was
important.
I called her and she said she knew of a way by which I would not have to
worry about paying child
support (this was not something we had talked about, I had raised no
concerns about this and probably
thought nothing of it). We didn't talk long. I was not told what her idea
was.
I called my mother and she told me that the reason I had to talk to Beth
was that the baby was born
early. I was at work when I heard this. My stomach fell to my feet and I
simply walked outside and a
block away I fell to my knees in desperation. I was crushed that I had
talked to her the day before and
all she had said was that she knew a way through which I would not have
to be responsible for the baby.
A baby boy. I thought 'my son lives'. I thought, I have a baby boy. I
felt desperate that I was left out
like this.
Beth asked me to visit a few days later and I did. I asked what his name
was, and she had given him the
name I had chosen for him.
And I asked who the father was on the birth certificate, and she said
there was no father on the birth
certificate. I asked to be in the paper, but she said she was hessitant
about having me there. Because
one day she may find a man she would marry, and what if they wanted to
move somewhere.
I think she didn't want to have me on the paper because didn't want to
share the rights to the child.
Later on her mother and herself told me I was free of responsibility.
More time passed and we started working some things out. And we got back
together.
I was still coming to visit, and at some point she came with Kya (the
baby) and spend a month with me.
It was kind of very nice, and trying as well- But I felt whole. I decided
not to be angry that I didnt
know the baby was born, that she had'nt moved here, that I was not on the
birth certificate. I told her
I wanted her to feel safe enough that she would want me on the birth
certificate.
Time passed and through the constant fights and misundestandings we are
still trying to figure a way to
have a family together.
At some point we got pregnant again. By now Kya is 5 months old. And we
are 3 week pregnant with another
baby. She asked me on the phone what I thought, and I said I thought we
should have an abortion, that we
could not raise two babies.
She's against abortion, so she got very mad and we didnt talk for a
while.
I told her I was not ready to have two kids and be with a pregnant woman
long distance all over again.
During this time I got very deppressed, and I was researching suicide.
I posted in a suicide newsgroup on an idea I had and I asked for comments
on if it would work.
Somehow my full name was on there. I may have noticed but I didn't care.
Beth made a search for my name. And found my posting of suicide.
She started trying to talk to me. But I was deathly affraid to be hurt
anymore in the state I was in.
And it came out that she had broken into an email account I had
somewhere.
She said she did it because she had found my suicide post and wanted to
find out more about me.
This email account was about 9 years old, perhaps. In it I had hundreds
of email exchanges with men and
women about sex.
She found out I had had a romp with a cross dresser while she was in NY,
found out that I had been
putting up sex ads when we were together, etc.
These were things I did very privately because I did not have a
satisfying sex life with her- or
emotional either.
I never had a fling with anyone while we were living together.
Anyhow this was devastating to her. She was not freaked out by any of it,
because she had had her own
wild past. But she felt inmensely betrayed.
She said I was a fake, that all i was was a lie, etc.
Soon thereafter she made an appointment to get an abortion.
I was driving to see her and I searched inside. I was still feeling like
I wanted to die. And the fact
that she had found this email account was far from my attention.
I made a decision in that drive.
I decided that I really did want to die.
I decided also that if this life was mine to throw away, I should at
least try moving to NY and being
with her.
That night we went out to a bar and I told her that I was willing to give
up all of myself. That I just
wanted to be with her and raise my babies. That i would do anything,
whatever she needed to be alright.
I would move to her city, I would leave my career, I would stop
complaining about sex, about lack of
affection, about everything. I told her if she wanted to keep the baby we
would find a way. I told her
the thought of her having an abortion was horrible to me, and I was
scared for her safety.
I made that decision in not a lot of time, but it was careful. I knew
what I was giving up. And I only
suspected what I would gain- A family. It was a hard choice, because she
was someone that I didn't feel
loved by.
That night she talked about the email she had found, and told me a lot of
things that were hard to hear.
But I did my best. And I listened and although I felt a lot of what had
happened was her fault, I
resigned to beind deemed the worthless betrayer who is all self and no
love and other people. I let
myself be portrayed as the liar, the bad person who hurt someone. And a
lot of this I believe.
The next day we did not go to the abortion. I was glad.
I tentatively asked if it made a difference what I had told her. That I
would go ahead and accept being
a father all over again and things would be what she needed them to be.
She said that no, that the real thing that made her change her mind was
that I let her talk about the
cheating.
We had a few weeks of peace after that.
Until one day she talked about an ex boyfriend, and I said i didn't want
to hear about her in another
man's arms. I was hurt and we got into a fight.
I haven't been there for weeks.
I tried talking to her on the phone and writing, being pleasant and
talking about life, not just
ourselves. It seemed to be working until a few days later she said to
come over. And I asked 'do you
want me to come, do you miss me?' and she said she had to be honest and
that it was not black and white.
That it was very complicated and she had bad feelings about me.
I said that I would gladly drive the hundreds of miles to see her as I
had so many times but I needed to
know that I was welcome, that she *wanted* me to come.
She said that I was proving that I was not interested in a family with
her, and that I just wanted to
put words in her mouth.
I want things to work out with us. I don't think I should go to see her
until she says she wants me to.
I don't think she will.
I send her money as much as i can, I'm poor. I make 21k a year, no health
benefits.
I'm still feeling suicidal, and I don't know what to make of my life.
I have no friends in this town, and I have no ambitions for another love.
I just wish I could work things out with her.
I'm trying to think ahead as well.
I know that if I tried to get joint custody of the babies, she would
bring up the email stuff. I know
that she expects me to send about $300 for helping with Kya every month,
and I barely have that, last
month I sent $240, this month I will have $300.
She likely expects me to send another $300 when the other baby is born.
I'm really trying to know what to do, what to expect. Financially.
I'm still not the father on paper. Should I therefore not send money
because it's self accusatory? It
shows that I am the father?
What is going to happen to me if I can't pay this money every month?
What is going to happen if I am not on the birth certificate of these
children? Will I just have to pay
child support fot 18 years and have no rights with my children?
I'm so scared, comfused, desperate, and i jsut don't know where to turn.
I hope someone reads this and
maybe has some comments. I really don't know what to do. I am thinking of
leaving this town beacuse I'm
going to end up killing myself here.