"Cele" > wrote in message
...
> On Sat, 5 Feb 2005 22:03:34 -0500, "Tiffany" >
> wrote:
>
>>
>>"Cele" > wrote in message
...
>>> On Sat, 5 Feb 2005 09:01:16 -0500, "Tiffany" >
>>> wrote:
>>>
>>>>
>>>>"'Kate" > wrote in message
...
>>>>> On Fri, 4 Feb 2005 14:53:10 -0500, "Tiffany" >
>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Keeping to my own crazy business. :)
>>>>>
>>>>> hehe.. too late! You just spilled yer guts!
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>Actually this boyfriend and I..... well, he never seems to be happy
>>>>>>with
>>>>>>the
>>>>>>amount of time we get together and this issues comes up over and over
>>>>>>again
>>>>>>and I am finding it very frustrating. One night he called like 8
>>>>>>times,
>>>>>>left
>>>>>>messages and sent texts because he has issues with the fact he feels I
>>>>>>don't
>>>>>>make an effort to spend time together. Now when he called a million
>>>>>>times,
>>>>>>I
>>>>>>was sound asleep and he knows I don't hear the phone ring. When I
>>>>>>think
>>>>>>the
>>>>>>issue is resolved, it comes up again. Grr. You men are all nuts.
>>>>>
>>>>> So... this sounds like a discussion about communication and meaning.
>>>>>
>>>>> Tellya a story about a long time ago when I was married. Don't spread
>>>>> this around, ok?
>>>>>
>>>>> :-)
>>>>>
>>>>> My LH was that kind of guy - once was never enough nor was 10 times
>>>>> when it came to <ahem> sex. But... he would tell me afterward that it
>>>>> "wasn't enough." What it sounded like to me was that *I* wasn't
>>>>> enough. What he meant was that it was so good he didn't want to stop.
>>>>> I didn't know that until I told him how inadequate I felt when I
>>>>> couldn't satisfy him and he surprised to say the least.
>>>>>
>>>>> Yeah, I know.. TMI. I hope my kids don't know who I am here.
>>>>>
>>>>> Anyway... find out what it means when he calls a million times.. what
>>>>> you're supposed to understand about that. Men have strange ways of
>>>>> showing affection/desire/need sometimes. Maybe he doesn't expect
>>>>> anything more but to tell you he thinks of you a billion times a day.
>>>>>
>>>>> Or... he could be obsessively posessive & controlling.
>>>>>
>>>>> Question him.
>>>>>
>>>>> 'Kate
>>>>> <still blushing>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>LOL.... don't be embarrassed. It was a good example to share to the
>>>>story.
>>>>He says he just want to see me more and more and that it seems I don't
>>>>want
>>>>to see him as much as he wants to see me. He is the type of person who
>>>>just
>>>>thinks he feels things more acutely then everyone else around him, in
>>>>all
>>>>aspects. When he wants to talk, HE WANTS TO TALK. If he doesn't have
>>>>time,
>>>>then that is just fine but why don't I have time for him when HE NEEDS
>>>>it??!?!?!? He is an insomniac, I sleep as much as I can. Yes, he is
>>>>obsessive. He admits to that. I don't sense any control issues but do
>>>>wonder
>>>>if that is hiding in the background. We are holding off on sex, to be
>>>>honest
>>>>and though I didn't think we had to hold off this long, I am definitely
>>>>going to postpone it for a while longer until I see how these things
>>>>play
>>>>out.
>>>>
>>>>The first time he called countless times in the middle of the night,
>>>>messages getting more upsetting..... he was filled with sorrow, he was
>>>>sad.
>>>>(Issues related to his son being born with CP) Why wasn't I there for
>>>>him?!,
>>>>Stuff like that. I became sick to my stomach listening to these
>>>>messages.
>>>>(Red flag?) Second and third time, he was upset because of the above
>>>>reasons
>>>>(feeling as though I don't make time for us) Sick feelings in the
>>>>stomach
>>>>again. This last time was mild..... hoping he is learning to control
>>>>this
>>>>urge to be obsessive. Why always the middle of the night though? He
>>>>knows
>>>>I
>>>>sleep. I think he isn't thinking right..... sleep deprivation and all. I
>>>>suggested possible depression but "no-no, I am happier then most people,
>>>>I
>>>>just get sad sometimes."
>>>>
>>>>Your opinions are eye-opening. I haven't really spoke with anyone about
>>>>this
>>>>yet.
>>>
>>> Tiff, those *are* control issues. If he wanted your love and support,
>>> and was prepared to provide the same to you, he'd respect your need
>>> for sleep unless somebody had just *died*. His kid has had CP for
>>> years - he doesn't need to call you up in the middle of the night,
>>> multiple times. Doing that is likely an attempt to get you to 'prove'
>>> yourself in some way...that is...it's an attempt to control you. Break
>>> you out of your normal patterns (sleeping at night) to prove yourself.
>>
>>So when I don't prove myself by answering the phone (and I truly don't
>>hear
>>the phone ring when I am asleep) he should not want to be with me?!?!? I
>>did
>>think that too about his kid. But I didn't want to say that and sound
>>insensitive. I already know I am an insensitive twit.
>
> No. When you don't prove yourself he'll try harder. That's where the
> obsessiveness comes in.
>
> I'm not clear on why you think you're an insensitive twit....
>>>
>>> Unfortunately, people who are into that kind of thing tend to never
>>> be satisfied. You do one bit of 'proving' and they raise the
>>> bar...endlessly. They have holes that can't be filled by other people.
>>
>>Funny you said that because I said that to him..... that no matter how
>>much
>>time we get together, he won't be happy. OR he just wants what he knows he
>>can't have (all this time together).
>>
>>
>>> Also, people don't learn to control their obsessiveness like they
>>> learn to play piano or speak a language. If he's obsessive now, and
>>> he's trying to court you, he's gonna get *more*, not less, obsessive,
>>> once you have a more permanent relationship...if you do...
>>>
>>> He sounds a little on the bipolar side to me, but what do I know?
>>>
>>> Cele
>>
>>You know a bit more about bipolar then me. I thought of it so tell me, are
>>there different degrees of bipolar because I know some bipolar folks and
>>you
>>just know they are, no questions asked. I knew if before they told me. If
>>he
>>is, it isn't obvious to me. I can share more if it would be helpful. I
>>know
>>to mention it to him, he would be in denial.
>
> Yes, there are different degrees of bipolar, and there are different
> degrees of treatment in place, and different degrees of success and
> response to treatment.
>
> It doesn't matter all that much whether he's bipolar or not. What
> matters is whether he's healthy for *you*. Me, I wouldn't want a guy
> who thought his feelings of the moment were more important, on a
> regular basis, than my basic health, which includes a decent night's
> sleep. I think it's excellent that you're declaring your boundaries.
> But I think it's just as important that you really examine what, in
> this guy, attracts you, because he sounds awfully emotionally
> expensive to me. It's one thing to put your all into a guy who gives
> his all back to you.This sounds like another thing. Nobody who wakes
> you up multiple times a night because he's feeling down is taking your
> needs into the amount of consideration I'd certainly want, if it was
> me.
>
> Just be careful. Keep your eyes wide open.
>
> Cele
Will do. BTW, he may try to wake me up (yes, I know that is just as bad) but
I sleep through it. I truly can't hear the phone ring while sleeping. I will
add that he says he I needed to talk to him at any time in the night, he
would wake up for me. So one night I was drunk (out with a girlfriend having
fun) and called when I got home at 2am. He didn't wake up. Granted I called
one time. Actually I felt bad for playing that game out but I wanted to see
if he was true to his word. I didn't not however get mad that he was asleep.
These things are not relevant anyways....... I will heed everyone's warnings
with this and appreciate the honest opinions expressed.
T