teaching manners

[Ann Porter]

Little boy is almost four. We are trying to teach him some manners. Thinks
like:

Say "please" and "thank you,"
please knock before you come in to our bedroom
Say "may I be excused?" when you're done with dinner
please don't interrupt.

We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just want
him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May I
have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."

"Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a lot
of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
days!

On the upside, he got "knock before entering" very quickly, and "may I be
excused" after about two days.

Any suggestions?

Best,
Ann

[Kevin Karplus]

In article >, Ann Porter wrote:
....
> We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
> actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
> to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just want
> him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May I
> have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."
>
> "Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a lot
> of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
> days!
>
> On the upside, he got "knock before entering" very quickly, and "may I be
> excused" after about two days.

Sounds like he is doing very well for almost four.
It helps if you model the "please" and "thank you" behavior yourself:

"It's bedtime---please go to bed now."
"Thank you for getting dressed so quickly this morning."
....




--
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

[dragonlady]

In article >,
"Ann Porter" > wrote:

> Little boy is almost four. We are trying to teach him some manners. Thinks
> like:
>
> Say "please" and "thank you,"
> please knock before you come in to our bedroom
> Say "may I be excused?" when you're done with dinner
> please don't interrupt.
>
> We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
> actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
> to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just want
> him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May I
> have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."
>
> "Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a lot
> of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
> days!
>
> On the upside, he got "knock before entering" very quickly, and "may I be
> excused" after about two days.
>
> Any suggestions?
>
> Best,
> Ann
>
>
>

I think the best way to teach most manners is not through instruction,
but through modeling. My partner and I always use "please" and "thank
you" with each other, especially at the dinner table (arguably the best
place to teach formal manners), and also with the kids. It took very
little for any of our kids to start using "please" and "thank you" when
appropriate.

When they were smaller, I'd just add the right words for them:

"Can I have some milk?"

"Say, 'May I have some milk, please?" (Grammar lesson, too.)

And whether they did nor not, I'd give them the milk.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Denise]

"Ann Porter" > wrote in message
...
> Little boy is almost four. We are trying to teach him some manners.
Thinks
> like:
>
> Say "please" and "thank you,"
> please knock before you come in to our bedroom
> Say "may I be excused?" when you're done with dinner
> please don't interrupt.
>
> We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
> actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
> to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just
want
> him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May
I
> have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."
>
> "Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a
lot
> of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
> days!
>
> On the upside, he got "knock before entering" very quickly, and "may I be
> excused" after about two days.
>
> Any suggestions?
>
> Best,
> Ann
>
>
>

With my dd's when they want something, if they say "I want chocolate milk,"
I reinforce that they need to use their asking words.. so then they'll say
"Please can I have some chocolate milk?" Its taken a bit of repetition on
my part, and I feel a little annoying, but as of late, I hardly ever have to
remind them to use asking words instead of telling words.
As for interrupting, it seems like we've been working on that forever, and
my 4 1/2 year old just yesterday said, "sorry for interrupting, but
Mommy..." which was more polite than just speaking over me, right? :)
I'd say you just have to be consistent about what you expect him to do. And
be patient.

[Robyn Kozierok]

In article >,
Ann Porter > wrote:
>We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
>actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
>to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just want
>him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May I
>have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."

When I heard "I want some chocolate milk" I would ask them to please ask
using a polite sentence beginning with "Mom". Somehow, having to put the
name of the person you are addressing at the front of the sentence (i.e.,
"Mom, may I please have some chocolate milk?") helped them remember the
please and the correct tone and everything else. Hope that helps. Two
down, one to go... :)

--Robyn

[Rosalie B.]

x-no-archive:yes "Ann Porter" > wrote:

>Little boy is almost four. We are trying to teach him some manners. Thinks
>like:
>
>Say "please" and "thank you,"
>please knock before you come in to our bedroom
>Say "may I be excused?" when you're done with dinner
>please don't interrupt.
>
>We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
>actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
>to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just want
>him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May I
>have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."

Try 'thank you' first. - what do you say when mom gets you some
chocolate milk? Thank you. And then you can get into - if you want
some chocolate milk, please ask nicely. While I think the words are
good, the tone is as important.

>
>"Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a lot
>of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
>days!

Not interrupting is not possible unless you give him a turn in the
conversation. A five minute conversation that shuts him out
altogether is an eternity to a 4 yo.
>
>On the upside, he got "knock before entering" very quickly, and "may I be
>excused" after about two days.

grandma Rosalie

[Ann Porter]

"Rosalie B." > wrote in message
...
> x-no-archive:yes "Ann Porter" > wrote:
> >
> >"Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a
lot
> >of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
> >days!
>
> Not interrupting is not possible unless you give him a turn in the
> conversation. A five minute conversation that shuts him out
> altogether is an eternity to a 4 yo.

Yes, we are realizing that. The ability of a 4 y/o to chatter is almost
unlimited, it seems.

We have a 1 hour each way commute together, and sometimes he's perfectly
happy to play a bit, chat a bit, play a bit. And sometimes every time we
say something to each other, he jumps in immediately!

I was thinking it might be helpful to say, "Please wait one minute; Mommy
and Daddy are talking, and then it's your turn," and then wrap things up
quickly and give him his say.

Best,
Ann

[me again]

> With my dd's when they want something, if they say "I want chocolate
milk,"
> I reinforce that they need to use their asking words.. so then they'll say
> "Please can I have some chocolate milk?" Its taken a bit of repetition on
> my part, and I feel a little annoying, but as of late, I hardly ever have
to
> remind them to use asking words instead of telling words.
> As for interrupting, it seems like we've been working on that forever, and
> my 4 1/2 year old just yesterday said, "sorry for interrupting, but
> Mommy..." which was more polite than just speaking over me, right? :)
> I'd say you just have to be consistent about what you expect him to do.
And
> be patient.
>

If our DSs say "I want ...." or just "I'm thirsty" we reply with an "oh do
you?" or "that's a shame" etc. Only when they ask do we get it and if they
forget the please they are reminded. DS#1 is 9 now and has good manners when
he remembers. DS#2 is 5 and has excellent manners amost all of the time.
DS#1 has always been much worse at remembering stuff like that.

Jane

[H Schinske]

Ann ) wrote:

>I was thinking it might be helpful to say, "Please wait one minute; Mommy
>and Daddy are talking, and then it's your turn," and then wrap things up
>quickly and give him his say.

It also might help to teach him a specific signal, such as a touch on the
wrist, to indicate that he wants to talk to you. Give him a good thing to do,
rather than another entry in the list of bad-things-not-to-do.

--Helen

[Cheryl]

On Tue, 8 Jul 2003 12:41:51 EDT, "Ann Porter"
> wrote:

>Little boy is almost four. We are trying to teach him some manners. Thinks
>like:
>
>Say "please" and "thank you,"
>please knock before you come in to our bedroom
>Say "may I be excused?" when you're done with dinner
>please don't interrupt.
>
>We are having varying degrees of success. "Please" and "thank you" are
>actually the hardest. He seems to think that saying "please" means he has
>to "plead" with us, which is not what we're going for at all - we just want
>him to ask a polite question, rather than issuing a demand. I prefer "May I
>have some chocolate milk, please?" to "I want some chocolate milk."
>
>"Please don't interrupt" is also rather difficult for him. I'm having a lot
>of trouble having even a five minute conversation with my husband these
>days!
>
>On the upside, he got "knock before entering" very quickly, and "may I be
>excused" after about two days.
>
>Any suggestions?
>
If he knows the correct way he's probably old enough for a gentle
reminder. I use "now ask me the right way" and then he usually gets
it right. We have more trouble with remembering "thank you" rather
than remembering please. He used to say it all the time and both
his younger brother and I use "thank you" appropriately, it just
doesn't seem to be something that sticks in his mind.

Cheryl