what age for sleepovers?

[Nevermind]

At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
of family)?

I know all my kids' friends parents to talk to, and I have a good
feeling about them -- I think they're nice, decent human beings who
have approximately the same standards I do about really crucial
parenting issues, like safety. But my feelings are not enough for my
husband (who really doesn't know them, as he is working while I do
pickups and dropoffs etc.). He isn't comfortable with either our 8 YO
or our 5 YO, but especially the latter, going on sleepovers with
anyone who isn't an old old friend of ours or a family member. His
concerns are abuse and lack of safety/supervision.

Thanks!

[Kevin Karplus]

In article >, Nevermind wrote:
> At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
> houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
> of family)?

My son's first sleepover was around age 5 1/2. He hasn't had many in
the two years since then (his best friend moved 1000 miles away), but
we'd have no problem if he requested one. I don't think he'd want to
spend the night with any of his friends that we'd worry about---he has
good judgement about who to play with and who to be close friends with.



--
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

[Scott Lindstrom]

Kevin Karplus wrote:
> In article >, Nevermind wrote:
>
>>At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
>>houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
>>of family)?
>
>
> My son's first sleepover was around age 5 1/2. He hasn't had many in
> the two years since then (his best friend moved 1000 miles away), but
> we'd have no problem if he requested one. I don't think he'd want to
> spend the night with any of his friends that we'd worry about---he has
> good judgement about who to play with and who to be close friends with.

DD started sleepovers with a great friend at age 3 or so --
when they were both potty trained. She's been on them
periodically since. DS has never been on a sleepover.
He didn't have a great friend pre-kindergarten, and now
the friends he has aren't likely to want to do sleepovers.
We'd let him go, however, if he wanted to. So this does
vary with the kid.

My big problem with DD going on sleepovers is her wretched
behavior the next day induced by sleep deprivation. In
her case, they are sleepovers in name only, and should
really be called stayovers.

scott DD 10 and DS 7

[just me]

"Nevermind" > wrote in message
om...
> At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
> houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
> of family)?
>

We started letting DS sleep over at age 5. But, we only let him sleep over
in the homes of families we know very well and had no concerns about
supervision, parenting and judgment in general. We have hosted several
sleep over for several of his friends, including the famous seventh birthday
party sleep over where we had *five* little boys lined up like cord wood in
sleeping bags on his bedroom floor.

We have not, however, run into a situation where someone whom we do not
know well is inviting him over. We have also learned, based on the
responses of the parents of those we invite, that different children are
ready to sleep away from family at different ages, based on everything from
bladder maturity to ability to comfortably separate from the parental units
for long periods of time while it is dark outside. This is very individual
and patience is best applied.

-Aula


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[Bruce and Jeanne]

Nevermind wrote:

> At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
> houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
> of family)?
>
> I know all my kids' friends parents to talk to, and I have a good
> feeling about them -- I think they're nice, decent human beings who
> have approximately the same standards I do about really crucial
> parenting issues, like safety. But my feelings are not enough for my
> husband (who really doesn't know them, as he is working while I do
> pickups and dropoffs etc.). He isn't comfortable with either our 8 YO
> or our 5 YO, but especially the latter, going on sleepovers with
> anyone who isn't an old old friend of ours or a family member. His
> concerns are abuse and lack of safety/supervision.
>
> Thanks!
>

DD went to a friend's house for a sleepover when she was about 3 years
old. I knew the parents very well - our daughters had a standing weely
playdate.

DD, now 5, loves sleepovers, but they're pretty rare and they involve
only one friend at a time. Usually by the time the kids want a
sleepover, we know and like the parents. If we don't particularly like
the parents or child, we strongly discourage the idea of a sleepover.

Jeanne

[LFortier]

Nevermind wrote:

>At what age did you feel OK letting your kids go on sleepovers at the
>houses of their friends (as opposed to the houses of your friends or
>of family)?
>
>
>
My oldest was 7 the first time she slept away. It was with a long
standing friend, and we knew the parents well, so we were very
comfortable. Well, as comfortable as I can be with one of my babies out
of my reach.

My youngest was invited to two slumber parties when she was in
kindergarten. We had never met either set of parents and they weren't
special friends (I think they invited all the girls in the class), so
she didn't go. She's gone on a couple of sleepovers since, with close
friends where we know the parents.

Lesley

[Splanche]

>What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
>up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally?

When my DD was about 5 1/2, she was allowed to sleep over at houses that I had
personally spent time in-- where I knew the parents well enough to have been to
dinner at their place.. that sort of thing. It meant that I had spent enough
time with them that I knew basically how they felt about discipline, that the
house seemed safe, etc.
I felt that sleepovers and slumber parties where the parents were only
aquaintances of mine were more appropriate at about 8yrs old-- 3rd grade.
IMHO 5yr olds don't need to sleep at friend's houses (unless it's more of a
babysitting issue.) Sleepovers at Grandma's are more appropriate.
- Blanche

[dragonlady]

In article >,
(Nevermind) wrote:

> Thank you all very much. However, let me push a bit further. Most of
> you said your kids had been allowed on sleepovers with people you
> "know," "know well," or "know and like."
>
> What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
> up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally? Or do you
> mean you're really friends with these people? My kids' friends'
> parents fit the former, not the latter, bill, and for my DH, that
> isn't enough. His feeling is that even perfectly nice-seeming,
> friendly people able to sustain a good coversation at a soccer game
> can be dangerous to our children if left alone with them. Of course
> this is true, but unlikely, IMO, and I tend to trust my *instincts*,
> as I believe that's all we ever have available to us about anyone. But
> his worries have gotten under my skin. . .
>

As my kids got older -- they are now 17 and 20 -- they have spent the
night in homes where the best I can offer is that I've confirmed, by
phone, that there would be an adult present all night.

When they were younger (I think you said you are talking about a 5 year
old?) I did my best to get to know my kids' friends' parents. That
meant inviting them to dinner, and hoping for an invitation back. I
would not have been comfortable letting my kids (at that age) spend the
night in a home that I had never visited, and on occassion was very
direct in telling people that -- essentially, inviting myself over to
their house.

You can also learn a great deal by having your kids' friends spend more
time at YOUR house: you figure out what they consider "normal" behavior.

It isn't so much that I was afraid that the people could be dangerous to
my kids; it was more a question of what level of supervision was
considered appropriate, and what kind of judgement the parents have, and
I think that is easier to ascertain if you spend some time in each
other's homes. For example, in one home that I declined to allow my
daughter to spend the night, while I was there the kids were invited to
watch an HBO movie that I considered entirely inappropriate for a 5 year
old, and when I questioned it the mother laughed and said her kids
watched things like that "all the time".

As your kids get older, you can, with any luck at all, expect THEM to
exercise a certain amount of judgement, so the parents' judgement
becomes less of an issue, sort of.

Even during the day, differences in what is and is not considered
appropriate at various ages can create problems. However, the only way
to protect your child from everything is to keep them at home all the
time -- and, in the long run, that doesn't do them any favors, either.
I'd say that if your DH has those sorts of concerns, then it is his
obligation (and yours) to get to know the families where your children
want to spend the night.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Robyn Kozierok]

In article >,
dragonlady > wrote:
>
>It isn't so much that I was afraid that the people could be dangerous to
>my kids; it was more a question of what level of supervision was
>considered appropriate, and what kind of judgement the parents have, and
>I think that is easier to ascertain if you spend some time in each
>other's homes. For example, in one home that I declined to allow my
>daughter to spend the night, while I was there the kids were invited to
>watch an HBO movie that I considered entirely inappropriate for a 5 year
>old, and when I questioned it the mother laughed and said her kids
>watched things like that "all the time".

How did you handle that situation? I'd have a hard time telling a
parent that I didn't think her home was a suitable environment for my
child. I guess I'm lucky that my kids have not yet been invited for
sleepovers at homes where I would be uncomfortable allowing them to
stay over.

Frankly, though, I think 95% of the same issues apply equally to
playdates as to sleepovers. Any time you let a child spend time in
someone else's supervision, whether overnight or not, you need to trust
those people's judgement...

--Robyn

[dragonlady]

In article >,
Nan > wrote:

> On Wed, 23 Jul 2003 14:11:18 EDT, (Nevermind)
> wrote:
>
> >What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
> >up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally? Or do you
> >mean you're really friends with these people? My kids' friends'
> >parents fit the former, not the latter, bill, and for my DH, that
> >isn't enough. His feeling is that even perfectly nice-seeming,
> >friendly people able to sustain a good coversation at a soccer game
> >can be dangerous to our children if left alone with them. Of course
> >this is true, but unlikely, IMO, and I tend to trust my *instincts*,
> >as I believe that's all we ever have available to us about anyone. But
> >his worries have gotten under my skin. . .
>
> Well, even well-loved family members can be dangerous to our children,
> so your dh may be a little *too* worried, but I can understand his
> thoughts, given that he hasn't had the opportunity to get to know
> these parents like you have.
> However, the casual type of acquaintance you describe, I allowed my ds
> to stay over when he was about 8.
> I actually *preferred* that the friends stay at my house though, and I
> always insisted that the parents meet me first. I was somewhat
> surprised at how some parents would give permission for their child to
> sleepover without even meeting me!
>
> Nan
>

It can be even worse. On more than one occassion as my kids have moved
through their teens, I've insisted on calling a parent (over a kids'
objection) to confirm that the kid has permission to stay at my house
for the night only to have the parent say, "Why the %^$# are you
bothering me? I don't give a *&$% where the little &*^% sleeps." --
thus confirming what the young person had told me.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Bruce and Jeanne]

Nevermind wrote:

> Thank you all very much. However, let me push a bit further. Most of
> you said your kids had been allowed on sleepovers with people you
> "know," "know well," or "know and like."
>
> What do you mean by "know" here -- you see them when picking the kids
> up, have a little chat, see them at the pool occasionally? Or do you
> mean you're really friends with these people? My kids' friends'
> parents fit the former, not the latter, bill, and for my DH, that
> isn't enough. His feeling is that even perfectly nice-seeming,
> friendly people able to sustain a good coversation at a soccer game
> can be dangerous to our children if left alone with them. Of course
> this is true, but unlikely, IMO, and I tend to trust my *instincts*,
> as I believe that's all we ever have available to us about anyone. But
> his worries have gotten under my skin. . .
>

For us it means we're friends, but not necessarily close friends with
the parents. When DD was younger and first met her friends and wanted
to set up a playdate, I or DH would go to the playdate and stay. During
the playdates, we would chat with the other parents and see how they
interacted with their child as well as our child. We would also talk to
each other at school events. Also, among DD's friends, many parents
stay at the children's birthday parties (remember, these kids are 6 and
younger), so we get to know each other that way as well. If the parents
clicked, we would also invite the family over to our house for dinner
and let the children play.

Granted your husband has a point that perfectly nice people can turn out
to be dangerous, but so can your own relatives (from what I read - no
experience).

Jeanne

[just me]

"Robyn Kozierok" > wrote in message
...
> How did you handle that situation? I'd have a hard time telling a
> parent that I didn't think her home was a suitable environment for my
> child. I guess I'm lucky that my kids have not yet been invited for
> sleepovers at homes where I would be uncomfortable allowing them to
> stay over.
>

My husband had the honors since he was the one to run into that directly.
The issue was not that we had not been in the home but that we felt
supervision was lacking and there was an in-ground pool within feet of the
backdoor with no fence [etc.], *and* the parent chose to smoke cigarettes
often inside and we find that to be a serious health concern for DS.
Husband told the mother about the cigarette issue and she never invited DS
over again. Meanwhile, her DD continued to visit us often [nearly daily at
some points] until her girly interests diverged from DS' very boy-type
interests in the last six months or so. She remained warm to me and stated
more than once that she was comfortable with her DD visiting us.

I suspect that we were lucky and that that would not be the outcome in a
significant number of similar situations.

-Aula


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