intro and question re: attachment parenting

[Alicia]

Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
from time to time?

My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home
birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the
whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so
tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes I
just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping would
be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like that.
Thanks for your input, Alicia

[Marion Baumgarten]

Alicia > wrote:

> Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
> ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
> name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
> a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
> parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
> I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
> believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
> myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
> take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
> needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
> down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
> it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
> to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
> and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
> What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
> think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
> you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
> from time to time?

Absolutely- my daughter now 15 was colicky and cryed herself to sleep
pretty much every time for the first year of her life. I used to use a
kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes and put her down and then go get
something to eat, jump in the shower, etc. For those who criticize, I
say it's better than throwing her against the wall, which is what would
have happened. As she got older, she would cry furiously for shorter
and shorter periods of time- maybe even 30 seconds and then "clunk" but
she almost always cried when put down and very, very seldom was I able
to nurse her or rock her to sleep. Some babies cry when tired or
overstimulated.

I was not a big attachment parenting fan- I saw too many exhausted
mothers who felt guilty no matter what they did. I breast fed my
children and used a sling- but I got much better sleep with my kids in a
crib with another room.

Be sure you are not doing to much at home and if you have a partner that
he is giving you a break. Even if you are nursing he can give the baby a
bath, take him for a walk. etc. With my second, I expressed milk for one
bottle a week and had my husband give it the first waking after 11:00 pm
on Fridays. Just getting one 6 hours stretch of sleep a week made a big
difference.

>
Marion Baumgarten

[Robyn Kozierok]

In article <6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no>,
Alicia > wrote:

>I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
>needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
>down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
>it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
>to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
>and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
>What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
>think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
>you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
>from time to time?

I think you may be overestimating the value of "attachment parenting" as
the one true and correct way to parent. I understand that you prefer this
philosophy, and that's great, to the extent that you can keep it up and
stay sane!

However, lots of parents who haven't chosen attachment parenting also
end up with children who develop a trusting relationship with them as
well. I have 3 boys, ages 2, 7 and 10yo, and they all have a very
close relationship with me despite sleeping in their own cribs (after
a bassinet or similar by my bed for *my* convenience in the early months)
and occasionally being allowed to cry, and even being (gasp!) Ferberized
(though I now believe there are gentler methods to achieve the same end).

It sounds to me like you are looking for affirmation that you can put your
baby down to cry when you're desperate, and still be a "good attachment
parent".

What I want to tell you instead is that you need not put a label on
your parenting choices, nor worry about living up to someone else's
standard of "attached enough". You need to do what feels right to you
while meeting your own needs as well. It sounds like the solution
you've come to for now is to adopt a basically attachment style of
parenting, but needing to take some space occasionally. I think that's
fine and I think your child will be fine. You may feel better if you
learn to nurse in the sling and manage to get yourself something to
eat, etc. while nursing. It's a learned skill, but worth working on.
Older babies are generally easier to nurse while doing other things, so
keep trying.

No one *wants* to put their baby down and let them cry. Yet most parents
end up doing it occasionally if they don't have someone else they can hand
the baby off to when they have had it. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
Whether or not it makes you a bad "attachment parent" I have no opinion
nor standing to judge.

Good luck, and enjoy your baby, and do be sure to take the time to heal from
your own difficult birth as well. You don't do your child any favors by
short-changing your own health!


--Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01)

[Colleen Porter]

Alicia > wrote in message news:<6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no>...
> Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
> ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
> name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
> a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
> parenting lifestyle with him.

But beyond any philosophy or label, what you really want is what is
best for him, right?

That being the case, you need to be sure to take time for your needs,
like eating and going to the bathroom. It's like what they tell you
on the airplanes--put the oxygen on yourself first, then on baby.
Because if your try to put it on the baby first, you might pass out,
and then the baby is doomed.

> We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
> I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
> believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
> myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
> take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
> needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
> down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
> it,

So the real problem is your feelings, and not how the baby is being
affected.

> but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
> to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
> and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.

I did this routinely, although I generally did it for just five
minutes, and found I had to set a timer, and didn't believe how slow
the time was going.

For babies that are over-stimulated, this really is a necessary thing,
and they can learn to calm themselves.

Think of this as practice for telling him that he can't go to (fill in
the blanks) an R-rated movie, or a semester abroad in France or the
mall alone. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, you are going
to be the one to set limits. He will scream.

> What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
> think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
> you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
> from time to time?

Raising kids is like raising a garden, you can ignore some aspects, or
make mistakes, and still end up with a great harvest. An entire
generation of American kids was raised without ever being breastfed,
and yet many of them turned out well, with close relationships to mom
and dad.

In this case, you are doing so much right, give yourself credit and be
confident in your relationship with your child, who sounds like a very
fortunate baby.

Colleen Kay Porter, mother of five, our youungest is 10 and the oldest
is your age:)

[Monika McMahan]

Hi Alicia,

first of all, a big cyber hug ((((Alicia)))) to you ! The first two- three
months with a new baby, especially after a difficult pregnancy/birth can be
soooo difficult!

Give yourself a big pat on the back for starters! You are doing so many
things right! You are nursing your baby (even though many mothers use a
cesarean birth as a reason not to), you allow him the closeness of sleeping
with you and being held a lot. You are asking for help when you need it and
are thinking about the best way to parent -- which is more than can be said
for many parents.

Now for the "problem" and ways to address it: first off, I'd say, try to
find an AP- oriented support group in your area, or, if none is available,
online, or try and start one.
Second, you didn't say if you sleep well at night -- can you sleep while
the baby is nursing yet? Try and learn to do it - for me, that was the
number one benefit of co-sleeping. Also, when the baby naps during the day
is NOT a time for you to do household chores! It _is_ a time for you to
NAP!!! Your household can fall to pieces without it causing great harm for
your baby, _you_ can not!
As for your question: is it ok to put a baby down for short periods even if
it is crying: absolutely! And yes, given all the other loving attention you
give him, he will "still develop a trusting relationship" with you. Do give
the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least
somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your
baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of
time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.


Hope this helps
Monika

[dragonlady]

In article <6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no>,
Alicia > wrote:

> Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
> ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
> name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
> a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
> parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
> I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
> believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
> myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
> take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
> needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
> down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
> it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
> to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
> and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
> What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
> think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
> you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
> from time to time?

I spent this weekend at a conference where the main speaker was an
African woman talking about the rituals and beliefs and practices of her
tribe. She said that we may have heard that it takes a village to raise
a child. "It doesn't, really," she said. "It takes a village to keep a
parent sane." Most people laughed, but I could see that others who,
like me, felt more like crying! Sanity can be difficult to hold onto
when you are raising children.

Your situation is a prime example of where the lack of a village makes
retaining sanity extremely difficult. What you really need is to hand
the baby to someone else, and go for a walk in the woods. You need an
hour or an afternoon or maybe even a whole day where you know someone
else who loves your baby as much as you do will tend to her every need,
while you do an art project or listen to some great music or read a book
-- or just take a nap. You need to tend to your own spiritual and
emotional health to be the great mother you will be.

Mom tells me that when I was a baby there was an afternoon that had been
very bad. I was crying, she was crying and holding me and feeling like
an inept mother, when her older brother came to visit. He took me from
her, and ordered her out of the house for at least 1/2 an hour; that
gave her a chance to NOT listen to me cry, and by the time she came back
I was asleep, and she felt better. She, in turn, continues to do this
as often as she can when she sees a young mother who is obviously
stressed out by a crying baby.

If you have any relatives or close friends near by, don't be afraid to
reach out and ask for help: tell them exactly what you've said here,
and ask if they can come and give you a respite. The baby will be fine
without nursing for an hour or so, and you can get out of hearing range:
listening to a baby cry when it is not going to stop is extraordinarily
stressful!

If you don't have anyone who can do that, I hope you have a second
parent; if so, whenever he or she comes home, you need to turn the baby
over to them for a break for yourself.

If there is noone -- if you are a single parent -- you need to reach
out and somewhere, somehow, find other people who can help you.

In the meantime, crying alone for a while won't do him irrepairable
harm, and you and he will attach just fine.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Kevin Karplus]

In article <LOGib.553748$Oz4.502084@rwcrnsc54>, Monika McMahan wrote:
> Do give
> the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at least
> somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon your
> baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods of
> time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.

A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she
may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent
over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6
months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs
much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a
somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before
he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we
went anywhere.

Sleep whenever you can---it is FAR more important than most people
realize, definitely more important than housework. If you have a
partner, have him or her carry the baby while you nap.

--
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

[Robyn Kozierok]

In article >,
Kevin Karplus > wrote:
>
>A sling can be great, but if the baby is a champion nurser, he or she
>may get too heavy for the sling in just a few months. Ours, who spent
>over 40 hours a week nursing, hit 95% on the weight charts at 6
>months. We had to swtich from front packs and slings to back packs
>much earlier than most, and even the backpack got too heavy. He was a
>somewhat late walker also, so he was too heavy for the backpack before
>he was walking---we needed to use the jogging stroller a lot when we
>went anywhere.

Even with a heavy baby, a sling can be great for nursing, if you can
get the knack. If you want to hold the baby and move around with
nursing, the sling helps support you in doing that. I'm not
recommending slinging around a 25-pound baby on hikes, but if you can
sling him for a short time while nursing, you can avoid being tied to
your seat all the time (not that that's always a bad thing). A sling
is also good for a heavier child in a shorter-term carrying situation.
My kids are lightweights, but my youngest is 2.5 and probably outweighs
most 6mo's anyhow ;-) and while I wouldn't want to carry him in a sling
for long periods, for short periods where I'd otherwise be carrying him
using only my arm and hip, a sling in an upright position helps out a
little. For hikes, we use a good Kelty backpack carrier (though he'd
usually rather walk, if we have the time).

--Robyn

[Robin]

Alicia,

Your experience rings a lot of bells for me. I didn't label my
baby-handling approach, but I used a lot of AP techniques, including
co-sleeping, for the first few months. But my first baby was colicky
and, like yours, "sucky" -- always wanting the breast or (when he was
able) his hand. And he spent most of his waking hours crying. I looked
at my friends whose babies woke up calm and spent most of their waking
hours with their eyes open and their mouths shut (the opposite of
mine) and could NOT figure out what I was doing wrong, and they
couldn't figure out why I was always so stressed out and couldn't
"manage" my baby. The point was, I wasn't doing anything wrong. In
fact, many of my friends with "easy" first babies had a much "harder"
second baby, whereas I had an "easy" second baby! So it's not the
parent ... some babies are just like that.

You've already gotten some very good advice on this thread: Take care
of yourself (or you won't be able to care for your baby). Get
assistance --remember that AP is built on a model in which parents
didn't do everything alone. And you'll bond just fine -- that baby
knows who's nursing him and loving him, and a little crying alone when
you need a few minutes' sanity break won't damage that bond.

Here are some other tips, in no particular order, that really helped
me.

1. I couldn't use a sling, despite trying several brands. I'm too
busty and short-waisted for any of them to fit, and I couldn't wear my
baby safely or comfortably in one. My salvation was a Baby Bjorn front
carrier, which was better than any other carrier I tried, and is
adaptable for both very young babies and older ones. Since my kids
didn't walk till 17 months, I got a lot of use out of my Bjorn!

2. Some of my baby's colic, it turned out, was allergy to some things
that were coming through my breastmilk. The big one was milk protein.
I'm lactose intolerant and so take in very little dairy, but even the
lactose-free products and the aged cheese I used carried enough milk
protein to trigger my child's crying jags. When I cut out ALL dairy
products from my diet, the crying cut way down. This takes a lot of
label reading -- watch out for breads, margarines, and prepared foods,
and ingredients such as whey or "milk solids." But it was well worth
the trouble, and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to discover this.
It also helped when I eliminated garlic. My lactation consultant says
that some babies love garlic-flavored milk, but mine was apparently
sensitive to it.

3. My son often settled down when I held him on my shoulder -- "right
the way over," as our wonderful NP described it, balancing on his
tummy with his head partway down my back. I remember one night I spent
mopping the kitchen floor one-handed with him over my shoulder,
because in any other position he'd cry, and he also seemed to like it
when I was in motion. Or I held him at my side, under my curled arm,
with his tummy balanced on my wrist and him facing the floor. It looks
really funny, but it worked for us. He also liked when I held him up
in the air, over my head, with my hand on either side of his torso,
but you can't walk around that way ;-)

4. It helped to get outside as much as possible -- walking, strolling,
or just stepping out the front door with the baby for a "porch break."
This helped my frame of mind, too.

5. Sleep when the baby sleeps. When people told me this, I said,
"Yeah, right." But really -- whatever you were planning on doing
during that nap is not so important as falling over. Learning to nurse
lying down was a real help, since my all-day sucker could go for an
hour on a single breast, and I could just doze off with him attached.

6. One of the best tips I got for calming a colicky baby is that
whatever strategy you use -- patting, singing, stroking, humming,
rocking, walking, etc. -- use only one at a time. That is, don't rock
and sing, but do one or the other for a little while, then switch to
something new if that didn't work. Sometimes too many "calming"
activities just overstimulates a sensitive baby.

Good luck, and let us know how you do.

--Robin

[Sue]

You have gotten some good advice, but instead of me telling you to take care
of yourself (which I agree with whole heartedly), lets try and figure out if
there is a cause for the crying. Does he seem to cry at night more than
during the day? Is he sleeping well? If the baby isn't sleeping enough, then
that will make him over stimulated and too tired to sleep. Do you think
anything your eating could cause an upset tummy in him? Are you drinking any
caffeine? If you don't want to use a pacifier, then most AP parents suggest
giving a pinky finger to suck on. However, having the baby being two months
means your supply is pretty well established and giving a pacifier at this
point would not be a horrible thing. It might take care of his sucking
needs. He perhaps is getting mad at getting milk when all he wants to do is
suck. Get better with using the sling. Using a sling saved my sanity with my
three girls. Can you lay down and nurse so you can sleep when he sleeps?
This takes practice, but worthwhile in the long run. Don't rule out another
growth spurt, sometimes they can come right on top of each other. Don't feel
bad at putting the baby down. Do you have a husband or SO that can take the
baby for a little while so you can take a bath or for a walk? If you can
answer some of my questions, perhaps I can help more. Oh, one more thing, if
you think he is gassy or upset tummy, then try to burp more often or try
smithecone drops. :o)
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

Alicia > wrote in message
news:6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no...
> Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
> ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
> name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due
to
> a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
> parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier,
so
> I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
> believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have
found
> myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
> take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
> needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
> down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty
about
> it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do
something
> to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten
minutes,
> and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
> What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
> think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
> you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
> from time to time?
>
> My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home
> birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the
> whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so
> tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes
I
> just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping
would
> be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like
that.
> Thanks for your input, Alicia
>

[Banty]

In article >, Kevin Karplus says...

>
>Sleep whenever you can---it is FAR more important than most people
>realize, definitely more important than housework. If you have a
>partner, have him or her carry the baby while you nap.

Sleep is important, more important than housework.

But.... I know as a single mom with a baby I got the "oh, let the housework go"
advice A LOT. And, although I'm no neatnik, there is a point beyond which I
feel out of control, dirty, and disorganized, if I'm sitting in dirty,
disorganized environs. Past this point, the "oh, don't worrry about the
house.." advice started to really get on my nerves.

So, if you're one not to feel comfortable letting the housework go, I'm here to
give you permission to tell you not to feel guilty paying some attention to your
environs, even when everyone's tripping over themselves telling you to let the
housework go. :-)

So, here's my advice: when folks in real life tell you "oh don't WORRY about
the HOUSEWORK", tell them "Oh, but how I could really be helped and what I would
sooo appreciate would be (list most pressing housework chore here)"

Cheers,
Banty

[Alicia]

Hello Marion, thank you for your advice. When I say that I am an
'attachment parent' I tend to use the term as a catch all for my belief
system regarding parenting. I don't follow everything to the letter, and I
try my best to do my best for my son. But when I get too exhausted, that's
when I let go of those ideals. I don't feel guilty except when I have to
put him down and let him cry. In my opinion, that is when a baby should be
held is when he is crying. Up until a certain age anyway. Because at this
age, that's all they can do to communicate. However, there is only so much
one can do. I co-sleep with my baby and feel great about it. I sleep very
well, hardly even waking when he wants to be fed. We usually get a good 7-8
hours of sleep a night before he wakes up to be changed and talk to us.
Anyway, I appreciate hearing your experience, thank you for sharing ideas
with me.
Alicia


> Absolutely- my daughter now 15 was colicky and cryed herself to sleep
> pretty much every time for the first year of her life. I used to use a
> kitchen timer and set it for 15 minutes and put her down and then go get
> something to eat, jump in the shower, etc. For those who criticize, I
> say it's better than throwing her against the wall, which is what would
> have happened. As she got older, she would cry furiously for shorter
> and shorter periods of time- maybe even 30 seconds and then "clunk" but
> she almost always cried when put down and very, very seldom was I able
> to nurse her or rock her to sleep. Some babies cry when tired or
> overstimulated.
>
> I was not a big attachment parenting fan- I saw too many exhausted
> mothers who felt guilty no matter what they did. I breast fed my
> children and used a sling- but I got much better sleep with my kids in a
> crib with another room.
>
> Be sure you are not doing to much at home and if you have a partner that
> he is giving you a break. Even if you are nursing he can give the baby a
> bath, take him for a walk. etc. With my second, I expressed milk for one
> bottle a week and had my husband give it the first waking after 11:00 pm
> on Fridays. Just getting one 6 hours stretch of sleep a week made a big
> difference.
>
> >
> Marion Baumgarten
>

[Alicia]

Hi Robyn, thank you for your opinions. I agree that I don't need any labels
about my parenting style, I just wanted to communicate to people my
philosophical choices regarding parenting. I was hoping to hear from others
who shared this viewpoint about ways that they got around being exhausted
while still upholding the general concept. I am very pleased to have so
many responses to my query, I have learned a fair bit from what you and
others have said. I will try a sling again and see how that works. I find
that my back gets really sore while using the sling or anything else to
carry this baby. I'm certain that there are some muscles in my sides have
been affected by my section, since I used to lie down for most of the day
for many weeks. Anyway, we'll see what happens as I get a bit stronger.
For now, Raine loves the Snugli and I can carry him everywhere in it.
Thanks again, Alicia

>
> I think you may be overestimating the value of "attachment parenting" as
> the one true and correct way to parent. I understand that you prefer this
> philosophy, and that's great, to the extent that you can keep it up and
> stay sane!
>
> However, lots of parents who haven't chosen attachment parenting also
> end up with children who develop a trusting relationship with them as
> well. I have 3 boys, ages 2, 7 and 10yo, and they all have a very
> close relationship with me despite sleeping in their own cribs (after
> a bassinet or similar by my bed for *my* convenience in the early months)
> and occasionally being allowed to cry, and even being (gasp!) Ferberized
> (though I now believe there are gentler methods to achieve the same end).
>
> It sounds to me like you are looking for affirmation that you can put your
> baby down to cry when you're desperate, and still be a "good attachment
> parent".
>
> What I want to tell you instead is that you need not put a label on
> your parenting choices, nor worry about living up to someone else's
> standard of "attached enough". You need to do what feels right to you
> while meeting your own needs as well. It sounds like the solution
> you've come to for now is to adopt a basically attachment style of
> parenting, but needing to take some space occasionally. I think that's
> fine and I think your child will be fine. You may feel better if you
> learn to nurse in the sling and manage to get yourself something to
> eat, etc. while nursing. It's a learned skill, but worth working on.
> Older babies are generally easier to nurse while doing other things, so
> keep trying.
>
> No one *wants* to put their baby down and let them cry. Yet most parents
> end up doing it occasionally if they don't have someone else they can hand
> the baby off to when they have had it. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
> Whether or not it makes you a bad "attachment parent" I have no opinion
> nor standing to judge.
>
> Good luck, and enjoy your baby, and do be sure to take the time to heal
from
> your own difficult birth as well. You don't do your child any favors by
> short-changing your own health!
>
>
> --Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01)
>

[Alicia]

Hello Colleen, thank you for your kind words and giving me a different
perspective. I particularly like your analogy of the garden. I guess I am
focussing too much on the details instead of the general picture. I try to
do the best I can, but sometimes my expectations are too high, especially
considering how my pregnancy and birth were. Thank you also for your
confidence, I think Raine is lucky too, because there are so many kids out
there that don't get the kind of love they need so desperately. I want to
give mine the best kind of understanding and love possible. Key word,
"possible". : ) Thanks again Colleen,
-Alicia


> But beyond any philosophy or label, what you really want is what is
> best for him, right?
>
> That being the case, you need to be sure to take time for your needs,
> like eating and going to the bathroom. It's like what they tell you
> on the airplanes--put the oxygen on yourself first, then on baby.
> Because if your try to put it on the baby first, you might pass out,
> and then the baby is doomed.
>
>
> So the real problem is your feelings, and not how the baby is being
> affected.
>
> I did this routinely, although I generally did it for just five
> minutes, and found I had to set a timer, and didn't believe how slow
> the time was going.
>
> For babies that are over-stimulated, this really is a necessary thing,
> and they can learn to calm themselves.
>
> Think of this as practice for telling him that he can't go to (fill in
> the blanks) an R-rated movie, or a semester abroad in France or the
> mall alone. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, you are going
> to be the one to set limits. He will scream.
>
> Raising kids is like raising a garden, you can ignore some aspects, or
> make mistakes, and still end up with a great harvest. An entire
> generation of American kids was raised without ever being breastfed,
> and yet many of them turned out well, with close relationships to mom
> and dad.
>
> In this case, you are doing so much right, give yourself credit and be
> confident in your relationship with your child, who sounds like a very
> fortunate baby.
>
> Colleen Kay Porter, mother of five, our youungest is 10 and the oldest
> is your age:)
>

[Alicia]

Hi Monika! I have heard from your hubby a number of times on MKP! : )
Thank you so much for your kindness, it is so nice to hear someone who
offers some sympathy as well as some advice and experience. I think I will
look for a support group online, I don't think our town has anything
established, and I really don't have energy to get anything started.
To answer your question, I do sleep while nursing Raine. I barely register
that he wants to be fed, so I just plug him in when he whacks me with his
little fist or puts his head in my armpit. LOL I also sleep with him
during the day once or twice. I am really good about not doing housework...
hem hem. My husband does all of the chores unless I feel up to doing
something small in the evening while he takes care of the baby. It's only
when I wake up feeling totally exhausted for whatever reason, and the baby
won't sleep with me that I have trouble. And then I go INSANE! I am lucky
that my husband always takes over the baby when he comes home, especially if
Raine is fussy. All I have to do is nurse when he gets hungry. The more I
think about it, the more it seems like I have it really easy. But
regardless, I am still struggling a great deal to make it one day at a time.
At least my incision isn't hurting as much anymore, and I am able to get out
for walks on a daily basis. I will give the sling another try, it is my
first choice for carrying the baby, even though the Snugli works really
really well. He loves that thing.
Take care and thanks for your response.
Alicia


"Monika McMahan" > wrote in message
news:LOGib.553748$Oz4.502084@rwcrnsc54...
> Hi Alicia,
>
> first of all, a big cyber hug ((((Alicia)))) to you ! The first two-
three
> months with a new baby, especially after a difficult pregnancy/birth can
be
> soooo difficult!
>
> Give yourself a big pat on the back for starters! You are doing so many
> things right! You are nursing your baby (even though many mothers use a
> cesarean birth as a reason not to), you allow him the closeness of
sleeping
> with you and being held a lot. You are asking for help when you need it
and
> are thinking about the best way to parent -- which is more than can be
said
> for many parents.
>
> Now for the "problem" and ways to address it: first off, I'd say, try to
> find an AP- oriented support group in your area, or, if none is available,
> online, or try and start one.
> Second, you didn't say if you sleep well at night -- can you sleep while
> the baby is nursing yet? Try and learn to do it - for me, that was the
> number one benefit of co-sleeping. Also, when the baby naps during the
day
> is NOT a time for you to do household chores! It _is_ a time for you to
> NAP!!! Your household can fall to pieces without it causing great harm
for
> your baby, _you_ can not!
> As for your question: is it ok to put a baby down for short periods even
if
> it is crying: absolutely! And yes, given all the other loving attention
you
> give him, he will "still develop a trusting relationship" with you. Do
give
> the sling another chance, though -- that is how I got my household at
least
> somewhat done, even with taking naps during the day. Also, pretty soon
your
> baby will be too heavy for you to hold him in your arms for long periods
of
> time, whereas with the sling it is not as much of a problem.
>
>
> Hope this helps
> Monika
>
>

[Alicia]

Hello there, thanks so much for your take on my situation. I really enjoyed
hearing about the African lady. I find that recently I am very curious
about the way people in other parts of the world raise their children. I
can totally see how a village would be most useful when raising a child. I
wish I had more close friends to ask for help. Most of my friends are
casual friends that I see about once a month. I totally agree that I need a
walk in the woods. I live in the most beautiful province in Canada, and I
am an avid hiker. But since I had a c-section, I have been very slow to
regain my strength and stamina. I go for a walk every day, but that tires
me out a great deal. I do have a lovely husband that takes the baby
whenever he can, or if I need a break. At this point, the thing I want most
during my alone time is to sleep.
Your uncle was a great man for doing that. I don't know of many brothers
who would offer such support to their sister after a new baby. That's
wonderful that your mother also keeps up the favour by helping other
mothers.
I have learned a lot from the various responses to posting, more from
others' experiences than the actual advice because a great deal of these
ideas I already employ. But it's good to get some new perspective, and
there are a few good ideas that I haven't tried yet, or that I wouldn't have
thought of. Thanks again,
Alicia

>
> I spent this weekend at a conference where the main speaker was an
> African woman talking about the rituals and beliefs and practices of her
> tribe. She said that we may have heard that it takes a village to raise
> a child. "It doesn't, really," she said. "It takes a village to keep a
> parent sane." Most people laughed, but I could see that others who,
> like me, felt more like crying! Sanity can be difficult to hold onto
> when you are raising children.
>
> Your situation is a prime example of where the lack of a village makes
> retaining sanity extremely difficult. What you really need is to hand
> the baby to someone else, and go for a walk in the woods. You need an
> hour or an afternoon or maybe even a whole day where you know someone
> else who loves your baby as much as you do will tend to her every need,
> while you do an art project or listen to some great music or read a book
> -- or just take a nap. You need to tend to your own spiritual and
> emotional health to be the great mother you will be.
>
> Mom tells me that when I was a baby there was an afternoon that had been
> very bad. I was crying, she was crying and holding me and feeling like
> an inept mother, when her older brother came to visit. He took me from
> her, and ordered her out of the house for at least 1/2 an hour; that
> gave her a chance to NOT listen to me cry, and by the time she came back
> I was asleep, and she felt better. She, in turn, continues to do this
> as often as she can when she sees a young mother who is obviously
> stressed out by a crying baby.
>
> If you have any relatives or close friends near by, don't be afraid to
> reach out and ask for help: tell them exactly what you've said here,
> and ask if they can come and give you a respite. The baby will be fine
> without nursing for an hour or so, and you can get out of hearing range:
> listening to a baby cry when it is not going to stop is extraordinarily
> stressful!
>
> If you don't have anyone who can do that, I hope you have a second
> parent; if so, whenever he or she comes home, you need to turn the baby
> over to them for a break for yourself.
>
> If there is noone -- if you are a single parent -- you need to reach
> out and somewhere, somehow, find other people who can help you.
>
> In the meantime, crying alone for a while won't do him irrepairable
> harm, and you and he will attach just fine.
>
> meh
> --
> Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
>

[Kevin Karplus]

In article <D04jb.101878$pl3.39988@pd7tw3no>, Alicia wrote:
> I will give the sling another try, it is my
> first choice for carrying the baby, even though the Snugli works really
> really well. He loves that thing.

An alert baby who wants to look around a lot may be happier in a
Snugli facing out than in a sling. The Snugli is certainly better
engineered for weight distribution (you can wear it more comfortably
with a heavier baby). If you and the baby both like the Snugli, it is
a good choice. The main advantages of a sling are easier nursing and
how quickly you can put it on. Slings can also be made very cheaply,
and the markup on the commercial ones I've seen is unreasonable.

Later on, as the baby gets heavier, you'll probably have to switch to
a back pack. You'll want to try on the back pack before buying
though, as they don't all fit all people. We had some very cheap
backpacks and wanted to use one of the fancier ones that looked good
in the catalogs---we did a lot of walking and were willing to pay for
the most comfortable back pack for carrying the baby. Lacking a local
source we mail ordered a back pack after careful comparison of the
features and descriptions, only to find that even with all the
adjustments available there was no way to make it fit us even as well
as the cheap one we already had. We sent it back and continued using
the cheap one. Had there been a good local source, we could have
tried on several packs and found one that adjusted to fit us well.

Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Computer Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

[Scott Lindstrom]

Kevin Karplus wrote:
> In article <D04jb.101878$pl3.39988@pd7tw3no>, Alicia wrote:
>
>>I will give the sling another try, it is my
>>first choice for carrying the baby, even though the Snugli works really
>>really well. He loves that thing.
>
>
> An alert baby who wants to look around a lot may be happier in a
> Snugli facing out than in a sling. The Snugli is certainly better
> engineered for weight distribution (you can wear it more comfortably
> with a heavier baby). If you and the baby both like the Snugli, it is
> a good choice. The main advantages of a sling are easier nursing and
> how quickly you can put it on. Slings can also be made very cheaply,
> and the markup on the commercial ones I've seen is unreasonable.

I think another advantage to sling vs. snugli is the
ease with which a baby can be removed. I recall many
instances of walking with DD in the Snugli so she would
fall asleep, only to have her wake as I fumbled to
extract her from the Snugli.

But maybe they are better designed for baby egress
now.

Scott DD 10 and DS 7

[H Schinske]

wrote:

>An alert baby who wants to look around a lot may be happier in a
>Snugli facing out than in a sling. The Snugli is certainly better
>engineered for weight distribution (you can wear it more comfortably
>with a heavier baby).

I don't get this. You can carry a three-year-old in a sling on your hip, if the
child will cooperate (I have seen some kids who still liked it). No way could
you do that with a Snugli. (Incidentally, I'm assuming you're using Snugli as a
general term for front pack. Baby Bjorn is a lot better brand from what I have
heard, easier on the back and usable to a larger weight.)

There are plenty of ways to face the baby outwards in a sling, too.

I found that there was a period when it was hard to use a sling because the
baby was too heavy or wiggly or something for the front carries, and not stable
enough or tall enough or something to be carried on a hip. Around eight months
I could use a sling again, with the baby on my hip. This may well vary by sling
and the expertise of the sling-er.

--Helen

[Alicia]

Hello Sue, thanks for not being redundant. : ) I agree that I have been
given some great advice here, and I have taken it to heart. As for
answering your questions:
1. Baby cries mostly in the evening, or during the day if he's tired or
hungry.
2. He sleeps very well during the night, and naps with me during the day
for 1-3 hours as well as a number of smaller naps after feeding.
3. I don't think I am eating anything that bothers him because he doesn't
have the signs of allergies or colic, and his fussyness is usually at the
same time each day for the most part.
4. I drink some decaf coffee each day, but I am not a coffee/tea/cola
drinker. I do have a bit of chocolate each day, but again, only a small
amount.
5. I do give him a finger or thumb to suck on if we're walking, otherwise
he won't take one.
6. I think you are right that he may not want to drink, but likes the
comfort of the breast and that might be why he fusses sometimes. I think I
will look into alternatives for pacifiers. I don't like the idea of giving
him one, but he may benefit from it at this point.
7. I always sleep and nurse him. I barely wake up at all to feed him. And
we have great naps together during the day.
8. My husband is really good about taking the baby when he's here thank
goodness.

My main problem is when he won't sleep and I am really tired. On a normal
basis, he's a really easy baby (aside from my exhaustion and desire to do
what I want to do instead of what I have to do....). I think I've got some
new ideas now that have helped. I will give them a try and then see how
things go for the next week or two.
Thanks a lot for your ideas,
-Alicia


"Sue" > wrote in message
...
> You have gotten some good advice, but instead of me telling you to take
care
> of yourself (which I agree with whole heartedly), lets try and figure out
if
> there is a cause for the crying. Does he seem to cry at night more than
> during the day? Is he sleeping well? If the baby isn't sleeping enough,
then
> that will make him over stimulated and too tired to sleep. Do you think
> anything your eating could cause an upset tummy in him? Are you drinking
any
> caffeine? If you don't want to use a pacifier, then most AP parents
suggest
> giving a pinky finger to suck on. However, having the baby being two
months
> means your supply is pretty well established and giving a pacifier at this
> point would not be a horrible thing. It might take care of his sucking
> needs. He perhaps is getting mad at getting milk when all he wants to do
is
> suck. Get better with using the sling. Using a sling saved my sanity with
my
> three girls. Can you lay down and nurse so you can sleep when he sleeps?
> This takes practice, but worthwhile in the long run. Don't rule out
another
> growth spurt, sometimes they can come right on top of each other. Don't
feel
> bad at putting the baby down. Do you have a husband or SO that can take
the
> baby for a little while so you can take a bath or for a walk? If you can
> answer some of my questions, perhaps I can help more. Oh, one more thing,
if
> you think he is gassy or upset tummy, then try to burp more often or try
> smithecone drops. :o)
> --
> Sue (mom to three girls)
> I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...
>

[Alicia]

Hello Robyn, you had some really good tips here, like only doing one calming
thing at a time to avoid overstimulation. I will keep that in mind. As for
the milk thing, I am allergic to milk myself, so I don't have any dairy at
all in my diet. Including things like whey, casein, butteroil etc. I am
very careful to avoid it. But I will try to keep track of other things that
may be affecting him. I also really appreciate what you said about him
knowing who is nursing and loving him, even if I have to let him cry on his
own now and then. As for the rest: I walk each day for about an hour or
so. I sleep with the baby in the afternoon and sometimes in the morning,
and my hubby does all the chores (bless his heart). We have found that
running the water in the tub works really well to calm him down. We just
sit with him in the bathroom and let him space out while he listens to the
water. He also likes to be carried on his stomach like you mentioned, under
the arm. I just wish that I could put my baby down for a nap without having
him suckling. He always wakes up as soon as I take him off the breast.
Unless we are sleeping together for a nap, or overnight, then he's fine.
But during the day he's always got to be in the Snugli or at my breast. I
guess things are getting better now that I look back on it though because he
used to have to be on my breast all night too, and now he's much more
independent. Yay! So, things are progressing. I'll post again in a week
or two and see how things are going then. Thanks again,
Alicia



"Robin" > wrote in message
om...
> Alicia,
>
> Your experience rings a lot of bells for me. I didn't label my
> baby-handling approach, but I used a lot of AP techniques, including
> co-sleeping, for the first few months. But my first baby was colicky
> and, like yours, "sucky" -- always wanting the breast or (when he was
> able) his hand. And he spent most of his waking hours crying. I looked
> at my friends whose babies woke up calm and spent most of their waking
> hours with their eyes open and their mouths shut (the opposite of
> mine) and could NOT figure out what I was doing wrong, and they
> couldn't figure out why I was always so stressed out and couldn't
> "manage" my baby. The point was, I wasn't doing anything wrong. In
> fact, many of my friends with "easy" first babies had a much "harder"
> second baby, whereas I had an "easy" second baby! So it's not the
> parent ... some babies are just like that.
>
> You've already gotten some very good advice on this thread: Take care
> of yourself (or you won't be able to care for your baby). Get
> assistance --remember that AP is built on a model in which parents
> didn't do everything alone. And you'll bond just fine -- that baby
> knows who's nursing him and loving him, and a little crying alone when
> you need a few minutes' sanity break won't damage that bond.
>
> Here are some other tips, in no particular order, that really helped
> me.
>
> 1. I couldn't use a sling, despite trying several brands. I'm too
> busty and short-waisted for any of them to fit, and I couldn't wear my
> baby safely or comfortably in one. My salvation was a Baby Bjorn front
> carrier, which was better than any other carrier I tried, and is
> adaptable for both very young babies and older ones. Since my kids
> didn't walk till 17 months, I got a lot of use out of my Bjorn!
>
> 2. Some of my baby's colic, it turned out, was allergy to some things
> that were coming through my breastmilk. The big one was milk protein.
> I'm lactose intolerant and so take in very little dairy, but even the
> lactose-free products and the aged cheese I used carried enough milk
> protein to trigger my child's crying jags. When I cut out ALL dairy
> products from my diet, the crying cut way down. This takes a lot of
> label reading -- watch out for breads, margarines, and prepared foods,
> and ingredients such as whey or "milk solids." But it was well worth
> the trouble, and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to discover this.
> It also helped when I eliminated garlic. My lactation consultant says
> that some babies love garlic-flavored milk, but mine was apparently
> sensitive to it.
>
> 3. My son often settled down when I held him on my shoulder -- "right
> the way over," as our wonderful NP described it, balancing on his
> tummy with his head partway down my back. I remember one night I spent
> mopping the kitchen floor one-handed with him over my shoulder,
> because in any other position he'd cry, and he also seemed to like it
> when I was in motion. Or I held him at my side, under my curled arm,
> with his tummy balanced on my wrist and him facing the floor. It looks
> really funny, but it worked for us. He also liked when I held him up
> in the air, over my head, with my hand on either side of his torso,
> but you can't walk around that way ;-)
>
> 4. It helped to get outside as much as possible -- walking, strolling,
> or just stepping out the front door with the baby for a "porch break."
> This helped my frame of mind, too.
>
> 5. Sleep when the baby sleeps. When people told me this, I said,
> "Yeah, right." But really -- whatever you were planning on doing
> during that nap is not so important as falling over. Learning to nurse
> lying down was a real help, since my all-day sucker could go for an
> hour on a single breast, and I could just doze off with him attached.
>
> 6. One of the best tips I got for calming a colicky baby is that
> whatever strategy you use -- patting, singing, stroking, humming,
> rocking, walking, etc. -- use only one at a time. That is, don't rock
> and sing, but do one or the other for a little while, then switch to
> something new if that didn't work. Sometimes too many "calming"
> activities just overstimulates a sensitive baby.
>
> Good luck, and let us know how you do.
>
> --Robin
>

[Robyn Kozierok]

In article <uJpjb.103761$9l5.97586@pd7tw2no>,
Alicia > wrote:
>I just wish that I could put my baby down for a nap without having
>him suckling. He always wakes up as soon as I take him off the breast.
>Unless we are sleeping together for a nap, or overnight, then he's fine.
>But during the day he's always got to be in the Snugli or at my breast.

You might want to pick up Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution".
It offers advice on changing your baby's sleep habits without making them
"cry it out" (a la Ferber). In particular, she does address the issue
of the baby always needing to fall asleep at the breast. (I believe she
might recommend slipping in a pacifier to replace it though, which I know
you currently don't want to try.) It's probably worth the time to scan
through it, at least so you understand the sleep patterns that are getting
set up.

Good luck!
--Robyn (mommy to Ryan 9/93 and Matthew 6/96 and Evan 3/01) who is, btw,
friends with but a different person from the Robin you were responding to
who gave you all the advice on using one method at a time, etc....

[Rosalie B.]

Alicia > wrote:

>Hello Sue, thanks for not being redundant. : ) I agree that I have been
>given some great advice here, and I have taken it to heart. As for
>answering your questions:
>1. Baby cries mostly in the evening, or during the day if he's tired or
>hungry.

I don't know if you've considered that some babies apparently just cry
at the end of the day. In my day that was called colic. We never
found a good solution for that. I myself considered that perhaps
because *I* was more tired or tense or that I might have less milk at
that time.

I didn't call it attachment parenting when I was doing it - I bf and
picked the kids up when they cried although I didn't co-sleep.

I think that while a lot of what goes under the umbrella of attachment
parenting is good, but I think there's a lot of unnecessary guilt
attached to it when parents are made to feel that a crying baby means
failure as a parent or a failure at doing attachment parenting. That
just isn't so.

There are going to be a LOT of times that you won't be able to help
your child, and/or will have to do things (like give shots, have blood
drawn, or leave them in the care of someone else) that he will object
to and will result in crying. To think otherwise, IMHO is
unrealistic.

And some babies just cry more than others do. All mine were very
placid babies and rarely cried. But I did have one that insisted on
waking up and refusing to be put back to sleep around 3 am, and it
took quite a bit of effort to get her to the point where she was awake
during the dat and asleep at night.

I also feel that if he will take a pacifier (and at this point he may
not), that it would be good to give him that to give you a break from
having to have your breast in his mouth all the time.

grandma Rosalie

[Sue]

It sounds like you're doing a great job Alicia. The only thing that I would
suggest if you think you are more abnormally tired than a new mom should be,
is to have your thyroid checked. Sometimes after birth things go haywire and
being extremely tired is a sign of the thyroid not working properly. It
seems to me that you are getting plenty of opportunities to sleep ( I know
broken up sleep is not that great), so I would suspect that something is
amiss. Also, I wouldn't feel bad about using a pacifer. Babies have a strong
desire to suck and if it looks like he is getting mad at getting milk when
he doesn't want it, is actually listening to what your baby wants and is
within the realms of AP.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...

Alicia > wrote in message
news:ZApjb.103704$9l5.62292@pd7tw2no...
> Hello Sue, thanks for not being redundant. : ) I agree that I have been
> given some great advice here, and I have taken it to heart. As for
> answering your questions:
> 1. Baby cries mostly in the evening, or during the day if he's tired or
> hungry.
> 2. He sleeps very well during the night, and naps with me during the day
> for 1-3 hours as well as a number of smaller naps after feeding.
> 3. I don't think I am eating anything that bothers him because he doesn't
> have the signs of allergies or colic, and his fussyness is usually at the
> same time each day for the most part.
> 4. I drink some decaf coffee each day, but I am not a coffee/tea/cola
> drinker. I do have a bit of chocolate each day, but again, only a small
> amount.
> 5. I do give him a finger or thumb to suck on if we're walking, otherwise
> he won't take one.
> 6. I think you are right that he may not want to drink, but likes the
> comfort of the breast and that might be why he fusses sometimes. I think
I
> will look into alternatives for pacifiers. I don't like the idea of
giving
> him one, but he may benefit from it at this point.
> 7. I always sleep and nurse him. I barely wake up at all to feed him.
And
> we have great naps together during the day.
> 8. My husband is really good about taking the baby when he's here thank
> goodness.
>
> My main problem is when he won't sleep and I am really tired. On a normal
> basis, he's a really easy baby (aside from my exhaustion and desire to do
> what I want to do instead of what I have to do....). I think I've got
some
> new ideas now that have helped. I will give them a try and then see how
> things go for the next week or two.
> Thanks a lot for your ideas,
> -Alicia
>
>
> "Sue" > wrote in message
> ...
> > You have gotten some good advice, but instead of me telling you to take
> care
> > of yourself (which I agree with whole heartedly), lets try and figure
out
> if
> > there is a cause for the crying. Does he seem to cry at night more than
> > during the day? Is he sleeping well? If the baby isn't sleeping enough,
> then
> > that will make him over stimulated and too tired to sleep. Do you think
> > anything your eating could cause an upset tummy in him? Are you drinking
> any
> > caffeine? If you don't want to use a pacifier, then most AP parents
> suggest
> > giving a pinky finger to suck on. However, having the baby being two
> months
> > means your supply is pretty well established and giving a pacifier at
this
> > point would not be a horrible thing. It might take care of his sucking
> > needs. He perhaps is getting mad at getting milk when all he wants to do
> is
> > suck. Get better with using the sling. Using a sling saved my sanity
with
> my
> > three girls. Can you lay down and nurse so you can sleep when he sleeps?
> > This takes practice, but worthwhile in the long run. Don't rule out
> another
> > growth spurt, sometimes they can come right on top of each other. Don't
> feel
> > bad at putting the baby down. Do you have a husband or SO that can take
> the
> > baby for a little while so you can take a bath or for a walk? If you can
> > answer some of my questions, perhaps I can help more. Oh, one more
thing,
> if
> > you think he is gassy or upset tummy, then try to burp more often or try
> > smithecone drops. :o)
> > --
> > Sue (mom to three girls)
> > I'm Just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie Doll World...
> >
>

[James Espejo]

Alicia, I am a father of 2, both were colic, one is 3 months and
mid-colic. All the input in this tread is coping practices. They are
not right or wrong, but the only thing a human being can mentally do
to cope. My wife, god bless her, has to deal with the days (while I
work). I try my best to come home and provide relief duties. I have a
rambunctious 3.5 yr old, awsome boy, but a deathly colic (6 months).
My daughter, is a duplicate of him and a joy for the 30 min a day that
she smiles, carries you to the next.

You can't call what your doing as 'attachment' but sometimes the only
remedy that is left after you exhaust all avenues. My daughter refuses
the pacifier, the nipple and laying on her back, so putting her to
sleep is nothing more than a treat.

This note is merely my point and 'hope' to let you know that 3-6
months sounds long but it will end. Then the joy that you (we) all
hoped for in having children is at the end of the storm.

Helpful Note for the guys: Come home from work play with the kids,
take the colic child at 8:30pm (force the wife to sleep, in a closed
room, on seperate side of house, or you go to the basement) and tend
to the long colic nite (the screaming usually ends around 10:30-11:00.
You stay up til 12-1am though! Do not go to sleep, because it will
irrate you more if the colic baby wakes you up. Between 12-1 if the
baby wakes now pass on to your wife and switch locations, now she has
about 4 hours sleep. The best we hope for is that she gets an
additional 3 during the waking hours. Overall, my wife feels caught up
on 7 hours one interuption, you get 6 straight. That will allow me to
go to work clear.



Alicia > wrote in message news:<6ZXhb.71133$pl3.4700@pd7tw3no>...
> Hi there, my name is Alicia, I'm 29 and just had my first baby two months
> ago. He's a wonderful baby, very alert, gorgeous and full of life. His
> name is Raine. Anyway, Raine has been crying quite a lot lately, not due to
> a growth spurt as he just got over one. I have elected an attachment
> parenting lifestyle with him. We co-sleep, I don't give him a pacifier, so
> I end up suckling him a lot because he is a very 'sucky' baby. I don't
> believe in letting him cry himself out, BUT, a few times lately I have found
> myself so exhausted that I can barely keep myself on two feet, nevermind
> take care of a baby. I do my best to hold him, comfort him, check all his
> needs are taken care of. What I've had to do a few times is just put him
> down in a safe place and leave him to cry. I feel terrible and guilty about
> it, but when I need to make myself something to eat, I have to do something
> to get away from his crying. The most I have left him is about ten minutes,
> and I usually end up crying too I feel so badly.
> What do you other parents do to cope with this? I have tried a sling (I
> think I'll try again), but if he won't take my nipple he cries anyway. Do
> you think he'll still develop a trusting relationship with me if I do this
> from time to time?
>
> My birth experience was terrible (45 hours of labour with a planned home
> birth ending in a c-section), following a very unhappy pregnancy (sick the
> whole time, pubis symphisis pain, and so on) so that's why I am still so
> tired. I love my baby immensely, we have definitely bonded, but sometimes I
> just feel so helpless to comfort him properly. So, any tips on coping would
> be great. I don't have anyone I can call on to help me at times like that.
> Thanks for your input, Alicia