Help With Toddler Hitting

[Me]

I've consulted every book I have and need some new ideas. Maybe someone
has gone through this or has a better idea. My little girl is 19 months
old and hits me out of frustration. She's been doing this since she was
about 15 months old. I'm a SAHM and with her all day so it's not like
she's learned this behavior. She doesn't hit other children, but if
someone is bothering her or too much in her space (playground, gymboree,
etc.) she will put up her arm in an "I'm going to hit you" position so
they get out of her way.

It's not the worst thing, but most of the time when she does take a swat
at me I will either sit her in the corner for a moment or if I'm getting
too angry from it happening too often, I'll put her in her crib for a
short timeout. If we are out in public and she hits I will usually stop
and sit her on the floor for a moment. I always tell her there is no
hitting, hitting hurts, it makes mommy sad, etc. She has a hugh
vocabulary for her age and her understanding of language is even better.

What's Up???? How long does this phase last or is there something I'm
missing??

Thanks.

[toypup]

"Me" > wrote in message ...
> What's Up???? How long does this phase last or is there something I'm
> missing??

DS does this. He does it out of frustration because he can't express
himself. I put him in timeout. It does help calm him down. He is getting
better as he gets older. I don't think it's something we really have to
sweat over unless it doesn't improve.

[Kevin Karplus]

In article <qYRVb.262262$xy6.1332700@attbi_s02>, toypup wrote:
>
> "Me" > wrote in message ...
>> What's Up???? How long does this phase last or is there something I'm
>> missing??
>
> DS does this. He does it out of frustration because he can't express
> himself. I put him in timeout. It does help calm him down. He is getting
> better as he gets older. I don't think it's something we really have to
> sweat over unless it doesn't improve.

Toddlers hitting is farily common. If the child is bright but is
having trouble communicating, extra effort on the part of the parent
to aid the communication can reduce frustration. If the toddler seems
to have trouble saying what they need, while have a huge receptive
vocabulary, look into speech therapy.

Fatigue, hunger, and need to use the bathroom can also reduce toddler
tolerance---try to anticipate these needs and keep the toddler
cooperative.



--
Kevin Karplus http://www.soe.ucsc.edu/~karplus
life member (LAB, Adventure Cycling, American Youth Hostels)
Effective Cycling Instructor #218-ck (lapsed)
Professor of Biomolecular Engineering, University of California, Santa Cruz
Undergraduate and Graduate Director, Bioinformatics
Affiliations for identification only.

[toto]

On Mon, 9 Feb 2004 14:49:31 EST, Me > wrote:

>My little girl is 19 months old and hits me out of frustration.
>She's been doing this since she was about 15 months old.
>I'm a SAHM and with her all day so it's not like she's learned
>this behavior. She doesn't hit other children, but if someone
>is bothering her or too much in her space (playground,
>gymboree, etc.) she will put up her arm in an "I'm going to
>hit you" position so they get out of her way.

Anticipate when she is going to hit you and *stop* her from
doing so before she does it. Stay calm yourself.

Hold her hands firmly and say *we use gentle hands to touch
people.* Show her how she can touch you gently. Don't
lecture about hitting - at 19 months (and even older) lectures
do little good and just make kids mommy-deaf.

Acknowledge her anger. *I see that you are frustrated.*

If you know *why* she is frustrated or angry, reflect that back
to her. *You wanted to do that yourself, but it was too hard.*

When she makes that *I'm going to hit you* gesture, you
should probably intervene and take her away from the situation
so that she doesn't assume that she can intimidate others.
If other kids are getting out of her way when she does this, she
is learning that it's ok to intimidate people, imo, and this should
be nipped in the bud.

Since you say she has a good vocabulary for her age, try
role-playing situations where she tends to get frustrated
with her dolls or stuffed animals. Let her see what she can
do instead of hitting. Having the doll or animal hit and then
stop and talk instead may help her evaluate her own behavior
and give her some alternatives.

--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

[lili today, who knows tomorrow?]

Me > wrote in message >...
> I've consulted every book I have and need some new ideas. Maybe someone
> has gone through this or has a better idea. My little girl is 19 months
> old and hits me out of frustration. She's been doing this since she was
> about 15 months old. I'm a SAHM and with her all day so it's not like
> she's learned this behavior. She doesn't hit other children, but if
> someone is bothering her or too much in her space (playground, gymboree,
> etc.) she will put up her arm in an "I'm going to hit you" position so
> they get out of her way.
>
> It's not the worst thing, but most of the time when she does take a swat
> at me I will either sit her in the corner for a moment or if I'm getting
> too angry from it happening too often, I'll put her in her crib for a
> short timeout. If we are out in public and she hits I will usually stop
> and sit her on the floor for a moment. I always tell her there is no
> hitting, hitting hurts, it makes mommy sad, etc. She has a hugh
> vocabulary for her age and her understanding of language is even better.
>
> What's Up???? How long does this phase last or is there something I'm
> missing??
>
> Thanks.>>

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, but maybe consistency is
key? She's a year and a half? She's only beginning to understand that
other people have feelings. You can't allow her to threaten anyone
else, that's very important. Don't play down her hitting, it sounds
like she is ready for boundaries to be solidly established. Do you
take her away from the playground when she threatens to hit other
children? I mean, leave and go home? Do you make clear before she goes
into the playground that she is not to raise her arm to other children
or you will take her home? I think if she is as verbose as you say,
she should understand that well enough. Otherwise I am sure you can
simplify that enough. When she has her short time outs, do you leave
her with toys in her playpen or crib? This shouldn't be for more than
two or three minutes, anything longer and she'll forget why she's in
there :-), but she shouldn't have her playthings in there, either,
during time out. Perhaps with that consistency (I'm not sure if you
already do these things?) she'll tire of it. Praise her when she plays
with other children and doesn't threaten to hit them. Praise her when
an hour's gone by and she hasn't hit you. She should be able to
understand being rewarded for good behaviour, as well.

[Nikki]

toto > wrote in message ne
>
> Anticipate when she is going to hit you and *stop* her from
> doing so before she does it. Stay calm yourself.
>
> Hold her hands firmly and say *we use gentle hands to touch
> people.* Show her how she can touch you gently. Don't
> lecture about hitting - at 19 months (and even older) lectures
> do little good and just make kids mommy-deaf.
>
> Acknowledge her anger. *I see that you are frustrated.*
>
> If you know *why* she is frustrated or angry, reflect that back
> to her. *You wanted to do that yourself, but it was too hard.*

When I had a problem with hitting I followed this advice (by Dorothy -
Thank you! :-D) and it worked very well, and quickly. This is after I
had spent 2-3 months trying other things that didn't put a dent in the
behavior.

In addition we also took a look at his whole life and changed some
other things at the same time and I think it had a very positive
impact and was why once the hitting was gone, we hardly ever had it
happen again. Your things would most likely be different but as an
example we increased rough house play, re-arranged our early evening
routine, increased one:one time with daddy, and changed the bedtime
routine. Actually - I changed his brothers bed time routine but it
had a positive impact on Hunter.

In the long term we continually worked on ways for him to express
frustration and how to walk away from his brother. This took a long
time and we didn't see results for a long time. He was way behind in
his speech and his personality is such that this would have been hard
even if he wasn't. I don't think this did a thing for the hitting but
I did see positive results down the road a year or two so it was worth
it. :-) For one thing, he hardly ever intentinally hurts his brother,
which is nice. Walking away is no longer so easy now though. They
are becoming artful at provoking/teasing each other!
--

Nikki

[Iowacookiemom]

>Fatigue, hunger, and need to use the bathroom can also reduce toddler
>tolerance-

LOL. I'm taking a computer break because I am finding myself unusually snippy
and ill-tempered with my 11 yo today -- I was reading this and realized I'm
tired (too little sleep the last few days), hungry (new diet, also contributing
to fatigue) and... darned if it ain't true... I have to go to the bathroom.

No wonder I'm out of sorts.

So it works for adults too...

-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 11

[toto]

On Tue, 10 Feb 2004 08:59:01 EST, (Nikki) wrote:

>When I had a problem with hitting I followed this advice (by Dorothy -
>Thank you! :-D) and it worked very well, and quickly. This is after I
>had spent 2-3 months trying other things that didn't put a dent in the
>behavior.

You made me smile. I am so glad it helped.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

[Me]

>
> Hold her hands firmly and say *we use gentle hands to touch
> people.* Show her how she can touch you gently. Don't
> lecture about hitting - at 19 months (and even older) lectures
> do little good and just make kids mommy-deaf.

Thanks. Sometimes just saying something different can work.

> Acknowledge her anger. *I see that you are frustrated.*

Good reminder :-).

> When she makes that *I'm going to hit you* gesture, you
> should probably intervene and take her away from the situation
> so that she doesn't assume that she can intimidate others.
> If other kids are getting out of her way when she does this, she
> is learning that it's ok to intimidate people, imo, and this should
> be nipped in the bud.

This is a great suggestion. I never looked at her "hand up" as
intimidating. In fact I was real happy to see her stand up for herself,
but perhaps I should make sure she doesn't turn into a bully. Of course
she is only 19 mos and 22 pounds, but it's sooo funny to see her stand
up to even a 40 pound boy in her class.

> Since you say she has a good vocabulary for her age, try
> role-playing situations where she tends to get frustrated
> with her dolls or stuffed animals. Let her see what she can
> do instead of hitting. Having the doll or animal hit and then
> stop and talk instead may help her evaluate her own behavior
> and give her some alternatives.

Another good suggestion. It's hard to balance my parenting between the
"she's only 19 months old" and the "she does get it" idea

[Me]

"lili today, who knows tomorrow?" wrote:

>
> Sounds like you're doing the right thing, but maybe consistency is
> key? She's a year and a half? She's only beginning to understand that
> other people have feelings. You can't allow her to threaten anyone
> else, that's very important.

Thanks. I never thought of her hand up as threatening, but since it was
mentioned by toto also I'm going to pay a little more attention to that one.

> Don't play down her hitting, it sounds
> like she is ready for boundaries to be solidly established. Do you
> take her away from the playground when she threatens to hit other
> children? I mean, leave and go home? Do you make clear before she goes
> into the playground that she is not to raise her arm to other children
> or you will take her home? I think if she is as verbose as you say,
> she should understand that well enough.

It's more like a self perseverance thing, but next time I will be a little more
clear with her. I suppose I could tell her that if I see that behavior again we
are leaving.

> Otherwise I am sure you can
> simplify that enough. When she has her short time outs, do you leave
> her with toys in her playpen or crib? This shouldn't be for more than
> two or three minutes, anything longer and she'll forget why she's in
> there :-), but she shouldn't have her playthings in there, either,

Her time outs are usually for just a few minutes and I never have anything fun
in there. Heck, sometimes I will even take her "lovely/blanket" out of her crib
if I've reached my limit.

Thanks for the tips! Sometimes we are all in need of an extra brain or two.