Only Child Syndrome

[Jawad Nasrullah]

Hi All:

I have a 7.5 year old daughter who is an only child.

Do you think being an only child can have (-)ve effects on a child's
emotional growth/life? I would be very interested in hearing how you dealt
with childhood being an only child. I come from a large family, so cant
imagine what it would have been like being an only child, or
how I could get through life without my sibling support group.

TIA,

Iram
--

---------------
Jawad Nasrullah

[beeswing]

Jawad Nasrulla wrote:

>Do you think being an only child can have (-)ve effects on a child's
>emotional growth/life? I would be very interested in hearing how you dealt
>with childhood being an only child. I come from a large family, so cant
>imagine what it would have been like being an only child, or

*Everything* you experience can have effects on you. That doesn't mean the
effects are negative, they are just individualistic. Statistically speaking,
only children are more successful than children with two or more siblings... Of
course that leaves out the two-kid thing. My husband, an only child,
pontificates, "Are they happier? I don't know. Children like that tend to
relate better to adults." Good, bad, indifferent? Our kid, an only, is happy,
healthy, and well liked.

beeswing

[Elizabeth Gardner]

In article >,
Jawad Nasrullah > wrote:

> Hi All:
>
> I have a 7.5 year old daughter who is an only child.
>
> Do you think being an only child can have (-)ve effects on a child's
> emotional growth/life? I would be very interested in hearing how you dealt
> with childhood being an only child. I come from a large family, so cant
> imagine what it would have been like being an only child, or
> how I could get through life without my sibling support group.
>
> TIA,
>
> Iram

Our eight-year-old is an only. When she was 2 or 3 and we were
pondering having another (which we didn't really have the energy for at
that point), I asked various people, including my mom (an only), my best
friend from college (another only), and his mom (the mom of an only,
though she herself has two sisters). They were unanimous in saying,
"Quit while you're ahead."

I had two brothers, four and 12 years older, and neither was
particularly supportive growing up. The oldest passed away many years
ago, and I don't have much of a relationship with the remaining one. My
husband had two sisters, two and three years younger, and they weren't
close either growing up or now. Nor are the sisters terribly close to
each other, despite their age proximity.

Our only is fairly happy most of the time, but has made no secret of her
desire for siblings. But that desire in itself didn't seem like enough
reason to have more children, since we both know that having sibs
doesn't necessarily mean having good relationships with them.

In other words, if you want more children and are in a position to have
them, then do, but if you don't, your daughter will not necessarily be
losing what you had by being in a large family, since there's no
guarantee that you could reproduce that atmosphere with your family.
Kids deal with whatever situation they have. If they need support and
can't find it in their family, they eventually find friends to give it,
which is what my college friend has done.

[Daye]

On Fri, 5 Mar 2004 21:12:36 EST, Jawad Nasrullah >
wrote:

>Do you think being an only child can have (-)ve effects on a child's
>emotional growth/life?

Yes, of course it does. But so does being the oldest or the youngest
or even #4 of 12. Everything affects you.


--
Daye
Momma to Jayan and Leopold
See Jayan and Leo: http://www.aloofhosting.com/jayleo/
Updated 28 Feb 2004

[Tom & Sandy Farley]

In article >,
Jawad Nasrullah > wrote:

> Do you think being an only child can have (-)ve effects on a child's
> emotional growth/life? I would be very interested in hearing how you dealt
> with childhood being an only child. I come from a large family, so cant
> imagine what it would have been like being an only child, or
> how I could get through life without my sibling support group.

And I have a hard time imagining growing up with siblings, although
as a writer for young readers I have to imagine all sorts of family
combinations. We had two 3.3 years apart. As adults they have become
friends but now live on opposite coasts. My mother and her sister
were 9 years apart. That's far enough apart that they were more like
cousins. They had no first cousins.

Have you considered the following explorations?

1. Try foster parenting. It is not forever, but it is the full
committment of family at the time. It is a needed service here in
Silicon Valley and elsewhere.

2. Pair up with a family with an only child within a year of yours
and family style/values you feel comfortable with. Do things
together, particularly trips where the kids have to be together for
some time.

3. Plan for your daughter to spend an extended time [ALL summer, not
just a week or two] with cousins near her age. This could be some at
their house and some at yours. When she is older, you can look into
school exchanges. A friend here [now going to Quaker boarding school
in New York] spent her 8th grade with her cousins in Iceland.

My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
relationship anyway.
Tom
--
Tom & Sandy Farley - http://www.spont.com
Spontaneous Combustion Storytellers: workshops and performances
Alternatives to Violence Project [AVP] facilitators http://www.avpusa.org
Palo Alto Friends Meeting [Quakers] - Bayshore Community Kiwanis Club
[Tom] Bookseller, Linden Tree Children's Books & Music, Los Altos, CA
[Sandy] English teacher, Sequoia Adult School, Redwood City, CA

[just me]

"Tom & Sandy Farley" > wrote in message
]...
>
> My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
> experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
> relationship anyway.


I agree with your partner's sentiment. My brother is six years my junior.
By the time I was graduating from high school he was in sixth grade, iirc.
We now live far away, rarely communicate, have very divergent interests and
opinions and life styles. I appreciate him, particularly his on-going
involvement with our aging parents, but we just don't have a lot to talk
about and never really did. Your suggestions, otoh, are very interesting
and intrigue me, as a parent of an only child who really wants siblings [he
is 8.5].

-Aula
--
see my creative works on ebay under http://snurl.com/369o
and on zazzle at http://snurl.com/38oh

[Robyn Kozierok]

In article >,
just me > wrote:
>"Tom & Sandy Farley" > wrote in message
]...
>>
>> My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
>> experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
>> relationship anyway.
>
>
>I agree with your partner's sentiment.

I disagree, at least somewhat. I have a brother 10 years younger
and we were *very* close when he was young. We did diverge for many
years when I went of to university and he was still a kid, but now
that he is mostly "grown up" too, we are becoming closer again.
I have another brother in between, much closer to my age, with
whom I have never been especially close. Personality difference,
I guess.

I have 3 boys with 2.75 and 4.75-year gaps between them. The
oldest is thus 7.5 years oler than the youngest, but they are
so far (ages 3 and 10) very close. Only time will tell what
growing up will do to their relationship.

--Robyn

[Ann Porter]

"just me" > wrote in message
om...
> "Tom & Sandy Farley" > wrote in message
> ]...
> >
> > My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
> > experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
> > relationship anyway.
>
>
> I agree with your partner's sentiment. My brother is six years my junior.
> By the time I was graduating from high school he was in sixth grade, iirc.
> We now live far away, rarely communicate, have very divergent interests
and
> opinions and life styles. I appreciate him, particularly his on-going
> involvement with our aging parents, but we just don't have a lot to talk
> about and never really did.

<snip>

I wonder if that closeness becomes possible with a *larger* age gap? My
older son was 13 years old when his little brother was born; they adore each
other. He volunteered to help out with child care after school when I
started working again, and even changed diapers. They wrestle and play
together, and older son will often just step in and do something for little
brother when he asks - help with pajamas at the end of a long day, or just
coloring and playing cars or trains.

He leaves for college in the fall. He's an asset to the family; we're
surely going to miss him.

Best,
Ann

[just me]

"Ann Porter" > wrote in message
...
> I wonder if that closeness becomes possible with a *larger* age gap? My
> older son was 13 years old when his little brother was born; they adore
each
> other. He volunteered to help out with child care after school when I
> started working again, and even changed diapers. They wrestle and play
> together, and older son will often just step in and do something for
little
> brother when he asks - help with pajamas at the end of a long day, or just
> coloring and playing cars or trains.
>
That *is* a good question. Considering Robyn's comments I am wondering if
it has more to do with interests and temprament than anything else. My Dad
is about 12 years older than his brother, so he really felt more like an
only for much of his childhood. He was leaving for Korea when his brother
was starting school. They kept in touch while raising families [both
started families within a few years of each other and my cousins are the
ages of my younger sibs]. Visits were made back and forth, but I never felt
that there was much closeness. When my grandparents died there were some
diffictulties over decisions that were made and they seemed to drift apart.
Now that my Dad is in his 70's and looking up old high school and Army
buddies and my uncle is working on the family tree and bouncing
grandchildren on his knee it seems that they talk more and are more relaxed
with each other. So, many variables including life events, stage in life
and so on there.



> He leaves for college in the fall. He's an asset to the family; we're
> surely going to miss him.
>


I wish your older DS well in college. that is such a huge change for both
parents and young adult. Is this your first one to leave home?

-Aula
--
see my creative works on ebay under http://snurl.com/369o
and on zazzle at http://snurl.com/38oh

[Hillary Israeli]

In >,
just me > wrote:

*"Tom & Sandy Farley" > wrote in message
]...
*>
*> My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
*> experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
*> relationship anyway.
*
*
*I agree with your partner's sentiment. My brother is six years my junior.
*By the time I was graduating from high school he was in sixth grade, iirc.

My youngest SIL E is a 20 year old sophomore at Brown U; my oldest SIL L
is 28. These two sisters are extremely close, despite the fact that one is
an active college student and the other a stay-at-home-mom (for four whole
days now - my first niece was just born on the 7th!) From where I sit, I
can't agree that 7 years is by definition too late for a close sibling
relationship. E and L share a passion for tennis (L was a highly ranked
player prior to a career ending injury; E was competetive as well although
she never reached L's level), a love of fitness and sports in general, and
a sisterly bond that truly makes me jealous at times.

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large :)

[chiam margalit]

"Ann Porter" > wrote in message >...
> "just me" > wrote in message
> om...
> > "Tom & Sandy Farley" > wrote in message
> > ]...
> > >
> > > My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
> > > experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
> > > relationship anyway.
> >
> >
> > I agree with your partner's sentiment. My brother is six years my junior.
> > By the time I was graduating from high school he was in sixth grade, iirc.
> > We now live far away, rarely communicate, have very divergent interests
> and
> > opinions and life styles. I appreciate him, particularly his on-going
> > involvement with our aging parents, but we just don't have a lot to talk
> > about and never really did.
>
> <snip>
>
> I wonder if that closeness becomes possible with a *larger* age gap? My
> older son was 13 years old when his little brother was born; they adore each
> other. He volunteered to help out with child care after school when I
> started working again, and even changed diapers. They wrestle and play
> together, and older son will often just step in and do something for little
> brother when he asks - help with pajamas at the end of a long day, or just
> coloring and playing cars or trains.

I don't know. In my biofamily, there is a 16 year gap between the
eldest and the youngest, and if they sat down next to each other on a
bus, they wouldn't even know they were related, never mind brother and
sister. I don't think they've seen each other in over 40 years. The
eldest left home and didn't look back, the youngest lives 2 miles away
from another sibling and has no contact with him (or anyone else in
our large family) or my brother's family. I'm 9 years older than the
youngest, and when he was a baby and little boy, I was very close to
him and took care of him, diapering, feeding, dressing, etc. When he
was in high school and got kicked out of summer camp, he came to stay
with me for the summer and my (moronic) parents never knew he got
kicked out of camp because I protected him. But then he went off to
college and I haven't seen him since... exactly 24 years ago this
weekend.

So I don't think you can predict what adult relationships are going to
be like based on age gaps.

My twins have always been *very* close, but this year has been
extremely difficult (puberty) and they have grown apart. My son misses
the closeness he had with his sister, my daughter can't stand to be in
the same room with him. And they're exactly the same age! You can't
get closer in age than they are.

Marjorie

[Louise]

On Sat, 10 Apr 2004 10:11:25 EDT, Tom & Sandy Farley
> wrote:
>My mother and her sister
>were 9 years apart. That's far enough apart that they were more like
>cousins. They had no first cousins.
>
>My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
>experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
>relationship anyway.

Like other posters to this thread, my experience differs. My sister
and I are 10 years apart in age. We have three brothers in between.
My sister and I were very close when we both lived at home, and we
continue to be good friends.

Louise

[Rosalie B.]

(chiam margalit) wrote:

>"Ann Porter" > wrote in message >...
>> "just me" > wrote in message
>> om...
>> > "Tom & Sandy Farley" > wrote in message
>> > ]...
>> > >
>> > > My partner noticed the heading I am responding to and says from her
>> > > experience that 7 years apart is too late to have close sibling
>> > > relationship anyway.

My mom had a brother 3 years younger who died when she was 7 and he
was 4. She always felt that there was pressure on her to represent
the family as she was left as an only. She tried VERY hard to have
more than 2 for fear that one would die and then she'd have an only
child, but she just wasn't able to have more than the 2 of us.
>> >
>> > I agree with your partner's sentiment. My brother is six years my junior.
>> > By the time I was graduating from high school he was in sixth grade, iirc.
>> > We now live far away, rarely communicate, have very divergent interests
>> and
>> > opinions and life styles. I appreciate him, particularly his on-going
>> > involvement with our aging parents, but we just don't have a lot to talk
>> > about and never really did.
>>
>> <snip>
>>
>> I wonder if that closeness becomes possible with a *larger* age gap? My
>> older son was 13 years old when his little brother was born; they adore each
>> other. He volunteered to help out with child care after school when I
>> started working again, and even changed diapers. They wrestle and play
>> together, and older son will often just step in and do something for little
>> brother when he asks - help with pajamas at the end of a long day, or just
>> coloring and playing cars or trains.
>
>I don't know. In my biofamily, there is a 16 year gap between the
>eldest and the youngest, and if they sat down next to each other on a
>bus, they wouldn't even know they were related, never mind brother and
>sister. I don't think they've seen each other in over 40 years. The
>eldest left home and didn't look back, the youngest lives 2 miles away
>from another sibling and has no contact with him (or anyone else in
>our large family) or my brother's family. I'm 9 years older than the
>youngest, and when he was a baby and little boy, I was very close to
>him and took care of him, diapering, feeding, dressing, etc. When he
>was in high school and got kicked out of summer camp, he came to stay
>with me for the summer and my (moronic) parents never knew he got
>kicked out of camp because I protected him. But then he went off to
>college and I haven't seen him since... exactly 24 years ago this
>weekend.
>
>So I don't think you can predict what adult relationships are going to
>be like based on age gaps.
>
I think this is VERY true.

My dad was the middle of 5 - older brother and sister and younger
brother and sister. He ran with his older brother's crowd, and helped
all his siblings (except his older brother who died at 21) to get
through college - actually his youngest sister lived with him and my
mom while she was in college.

My dh has a sister 1.5 years younger and a brother 9 years younger,
and he is quite close to his brother and was also to his sister who is
now sadly deceased. My own children span 10 years and while the
relationship of the oldest to the youngest is different from that of
the oldest to the second one, they are still pretty close and visit
and email often and the first cousins see each other as much as they
can since the live in 4 widely separated locations (Miami, Dallas,
Charleston and D.C).

I think in our case, while each child was an individual, they had a
lot of experiences in common - they were all on swim team, they were
all involved with music in some way, etc.

>My twins have always been *very* close, but this year has been
>extremely difficult (puberty) and they have grown apart. My son misses
>the closeness he had with his sister, my daughter can't stand to be in
>the same room with him. And they're exactly the same age! You can't
>get closer in age than they are.
>
>Marjorie

grandma Rosalie

[Splanche]

> The
>>eldest left home and didn't look back, the youngest lives 2 miles away
>>from another sibling and has no contact with him (or anyone else in
>>our large family) or my brother's family.




Ok, I'm reading this thread about all the siblings that are years apart, live
within miles of each other, and never communicate.......

Pick up the phone. Build a relationship. I have cousins that are 15 years
older and younger than I am, and we keep in touch and take care of each other,
and invite the stray ones for holidays.
What are you waiting for-- a funeral? Who cares what you have in common. If
you are run over by a bus tomorrow, don't you want someone who knew you as a
child that can tell your kids what you were like? Don't you want your kids to
know that they have family, and that if anything ever happens to you, there are
people out there that are related to them?
Family is family. Who knows when you (or your child) might need a kidney, or
who knows how many visitors you'll have when you're 90 years old and in the old
age home?
As I hop down off my soapbox.......

[Iowacookiemom]

>Pick up the phone. Build a relationship. I have cousins that are 15 years
>older and younger than I am, and we keep in touch and take care of each
>other,
>and invite the stray ones for holidays.
>What are you waiting for-- a funeral?

I can understand where these remarks are coming from as I've shared them, but I
have to say that I've seen, in the case of my DH's family, that one person
trying to make these things happen isn't enough. If no one else is interested,
the family get-togethers don't happen. We've tried and tried and tried with no
results, and after a while the no results are actually more hurtful than the
silence. I have one BIL who actually still had all of our Christmas presents,
still unopened, in his house when he moved (we heard this from another sibling
in a rare conversation).

I can tell this is extremely hurtful to my husband and over time I've learned
that my well-intentioned and occasionally Pollyannaish attempts to make his
family into mine do more harm to him than good.



-Dawn
Mom to Henry, 11

[Elizabeth Gardner]

In article >,
(Iowacookiemom) wrote:

> >Pick up the phone. Build a relationship. I have cousins that are 15 years
> >older and younger than I am, and we keep in touch and take care of each
> >other,
> >and invite the stray ones for holidays.
> >What are you waiting for-- a funeral?
>
> I can understand where these remarks are coming from as I've shared them, but
> I
> have to say that I've seen, in the case of my DH's family, that one person
> trying to make these things happen isn't enough. If no one else is
> interested,
> the family get-togethers don't happen. We've tried and tried and tried with
> no
> results, and after a while the no results are actually more hurtful than the
> silence. I have one BIL who actually still had all of our Christmas
> presents,
> still unopened, in his house when he moved (we heard this from another
> sibling
> in a rare conversation).
>
> I can tell this is extremely hurtful to my husband and over time I've learned
> that my well-intentioned and occasionally Pollyannaish attempts to make his
> family into mine do more harm to him than good.
>

I have to agree--sometimes it's not so simple as "pick up the phone."
My brother and I are on good enough terms, but we have virtually nothing
in common and have never been friends, in the sense that I'm friends
with my friends. When he lived in the area, I would see him only
accidentally at my parents' house, or for birthdays and holidays. Now
that he lives two thousand miles away, we talk on birthdays and
holidays, maybe, and he comes into town mainly to visit our folks and
his friends. We call him once in a while when my daughter has a
noteworthy accomplishment in a sport that he's also involved with (which
I got her involved in partly so she'd have something in common with her
uncle). Mostly, we keep up with him third-hand through my dad. When
my dad passes on, it's anybody's guess whether either of us will take
the trouble to call or visit with any regularity. I'm thinking probably
not.

It has nothing to do with animosity--it's just that the currents of our
lives bear us in completely different directions and our basic
connection has never been very strong. When and if I'm 90 in the
nursing home, I'd be astonished if he visited. On the other hand, there
are friends I've had for 25 or 30 years whom I fully expect to come
visit me, if they're still around and ambulatory. In fact, we've spoken
of making arrangements to occupy the same nursing home, to save
ourselves the trip.

If you're close with your sibs and relatives, that's great. For only
children, and for non-only children of non-close siblings, the strategy
is the same--you create your "family" from your friends.

[Splanche]

>I can tell this is extremely hurtful to my husband and over time I've learned
>that my well-intentioned and occasionally Pollyannaish attempts to make his
>family into mine do more harm to him than good.
>

There are toxic people out there-- true enough. I have a friend that we've
"adopted" into our family because her own siblings are just too messed up. But
the thread considered age differences between siblings, and whether or not
closeness could be acheived with different age gaps. I just think that barring
bad behavior, more importance needs to be placed on extended family. If yours
is toxic, collect a new one.
"We've got nothing in common" just isn't much of an excuse when all is said and
done.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all treated our own siblings the way we want our
children to treat theirs?

[Elizabeth Gardner]

In article >,
(Splanche) wrote:

> >I can tell this is extremely hurtful to my husband and over time I've
> >learned
> >that my well-intentioned and occasionally Pollyannaish attempts to make his
> >family into mine do more harm to him than good.
> >
>
> There are toxic people out there-- true enough. I have a friend that we've
> "adopted" into our family because her own siblings are just too messed up.
> But
> the thread considered age differences between siblings, and whether or not
> closeness could be acheived with different age gaps. I just think that
> barring
> bad behavior, more importance needs to be placed on extended family. If
> yours
> is toxic, collect a new one.
> "We've got nothing in common" just isn't much of an excuse when all is said
> and
> done.
> Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all treated our own siblings the way we want
> our
> children to treat theirs?
>

It's not an excuse--it's just the way things are. Toxic sibs are a
different matter altogether. It's not that my bro and I don't have a
relationship, but we're not buddy-buddy and we never will be. I would
take him in if he showed up on my doorstep, and he would probably do the
same. I would stop short at lending him money, for reasons I won't go
into here.

On the other hand, if my oldest brother, who was 12 years older than I,
were still among the living, I think we would have a much closer
relationship, more like the ideal that you're touting. We always got
on, and our general approach to life was more similar, and he took a
proprietary interest in me in a way that my other brother never has.
And he would probably have a relationship with my other brother also,
because they had different things in common. It's possible that all
three of us might be closer if he were here.

I don't think you can expect all families to have a certain dynamic just
because you think it would be nice, or because it's worked out well for
yours. They are what they are.

[Banty]

In article >, Splanche says...
>
>>I can tell this is extremely hurtful to my husband and over time I've learned
>>that my well-intentioned and occasionally Pollyannaish attempts to make his
>>family into mine do more harm to him than good.
>>
>
>There are toxic people out there-- true enough. I have a friend that we've
>"adopted" into our family because her own siblings are just too messed up. But
>the thread considered age differences between siblings, and whether or not
>closeness could be acheived with different age gaps. I just think that barring
>bad behavior, more importance needs to be placed on extended family. If yours
>is toxic, collect a new one.
>"We've got nothing in common" just isn't much of an excuse when all is said and
>done.
>Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all treated our own siblings the way we want our
>children to treat theirs?

Family relationships aren't something that can be sustained just by one person
unilaterally doing the phoning and visiting. Maybe as a start, but it won't go
far if that's all it is. Real relationships are mutual. Good relationships are
constructive. That goes for family as much as anything else. Indeed, the
notion that relationships have to be there and look good just because it's
family is what leads many to take their family members for granted, and not make
mutual efforts, and not treat family well.

So if I were to worry (or feel guilty) about my children having to learn how to
treat their sibs in adulthood by how me and my sibs treat each other, it would
be in putting my effort into reciprocated and constructive relationships with my
sibs as far as it actually works that way, and teaching my kids to have
reciprocated and constructive relationships with others in general, *and* with
each other. And treat *them* well and fairly with respsect to each other, so as
not to make my own problems for them.

Then expect them to work out their adult relationships accordingly. But it's
much more than a matter of 'this is how you do adult sib relationships look at
me'.

Banty