Jealousy

[Shelly]

Ok this may be long, so I warned ya! I just found out that my cousin is
TTC. Which I found out she is only doing this because of the attention my
hubby and I got when we were expecting. She said that they were not
"actively trying" but if she gets pregnant she gets pregnant. Well now I
found out that she is taking chlomid (Sp) for fertility. They have only
been actively talking about getting pregnant for a few months. I say this
because she told me. It was mostly occurred when I had my DS. My aunt and
Grandma came down to see us. Boy is she jealous. For a period of 2 years I
lived with my Aunt and Uncle and my cousin has always been jealous of me. I
don't know why, she was always prettier and never went without the
boyfriend. Me on the other hand was always considered chunky. It seemed
that what ever I got she had to have 2. To upstage me. Now I'm seriously
wondering if she is using a fertility drug to have multiples. She would be
the only one in the family with them even though they are in our family and
it's our generation. I usually don't give in to her petty competition but
using a fertility drug when you haven't tryed other methods and actively TTC
just floors me. I can't understand why someone would use children like
that. My hubby and I got pregnant and our DS was a surprise. We love him
none the less. How do you think I should handle this? I feel kinda awkward
talking to her especially when it comes to my family, I might mention that
she and her hubby make more money than me and mine do in one month than we
do in six. Why is she doing this? Just wanted some other view points.
Thanks.
--
Shelly
Mommy to Zachariah
January 24, 2003

[John TM]

How do you know they haven't been trying and not been able to conceive? Its
difficult tellingpeople you can't get preganant and sometimes easier to
pretend not to be trying.
There are many reasons to be taking clomid and I doubt any doctor would
prescribe it just to produce a mutiple pregnancy.

You should be very careful and make sure you have ALL the facts.

"Shelly" > wrote in message
.. .
> Ok this may be long, so I warned ya! I just found out that my cousin is
> TTC. Which I found out she is only doing this because of the attention my
> hubby and I got when we were expecting. She said that they were not
> "actively trying" but if she gets pregnant she gets pregnant. Well now I
> found out that she is taking chlomid (Sp) for fertility. They have only
> been actively talking about getting pregnant for a few months. I say this
> because she told me. It was mostly occurred when I had my DS. My aunt
and
> Grandma came down to see us. Boy is she jealous. For a period of 2 years
I
> lived with my Aunt and Uncle and my cousin has always been jealous of me.
I
> don't know why, she was always prettier and never went without the
> boyfriend. Me on the other hand was always considered chunky. It seemed
> that what ever I got she had to have 2. To upstage me. Now I'm seriously
> wondering if she is using a fertility drug to have multiples. She would
be
> the only one in the family with them even though they are in our family
and
> it's our generation. I usually don't give in to her petty competition but
> using a fertility drug when you haven't tryed other methods and actively
TTC
> just floors me. I can't understand why someone would use children like
> that. My hubby and I got pregnant and our DS was a surprise. We love him
> none the less. How do you think I should handle this? I feel kinda
awkward
> talking to her especially when it comes to my family, I might mention that
> she and her hubby make more money than me and mine do in one month than we
> do in six. Why is she doing this? Just wanted some other view points.
> Thanks.
> --
> Shelly
> Mommy to Zachariah
> January 24, 2003
>
>

[Daye]

On Fri, 08 Aug 2003 18:22:54 GMT, "Shelly" > wrote:

> Why is she doing this?

I am sorry, but my feeling is that most people do not go into the
totally life changing decision to have a baby to upstage another
person. Nor do they do it because they want the same attention
someone else in the family is doing it.

She probably wants children. She decided that now is a good time to
try.

My advice is offer support if and when she needs it.

--
Daye
Momma to Jayan
EDD 11 Jan 2004

[lynn]

Your cousin is TTC. And she's using clomid. That's what you know (or
what she told you). Everything else is your interpretation of events,
which could be right or wrong, you don't know.

If you are right that she is jealous of you, there's nothing you can do
about it. Ignore it.

Since clomid is prescribed by a doctor, I would assume that her reasons
for being on it are between her and her doctor, and none of your
business.

> How do you think I should handle this? I feel kinda awkward
> talking to her especially when it comes to my family

Handle what? Congratulate her if she gets pregnant, offer support as
necessary. Don't try to talk to her about jealousy or motives for using
clomid. Leave it alone.

> I might mention that
> she and her hubby make more money than me and mine do in one month than we
> do in six.

So what? Are you saying you have more reason to be jealous of her than
she of you? So what? Jealousy isn't logical. Consider that maybe you
have some jealousy of her (e.g., for being prettier, more boy friends,
more money, etc.). If so, that's for you to deal with. Try to get over
it.

Why is she doing this? Just wanted some other view points.
> Thanks.

Doing what? I gather you're saying: "I think my cousin is taking clomid
to try to have multiples because she wants more attention than I got."
If you're right, the answer is that she wants more attention than you
got. Is this a good reason to take clomid? No. But how should we know
the real reason why? Others are suggesting she might have infertility
problems you don't know about. I think it's more charitable to assume
that, and leave it alone.

- Lynn

[Daye]

On Fri, 08 Aug 2003 19:10:03 GMT, "Shelly" > wrote:

>It's just funny how we were always compared and i got sucked in
>too i guess.

Easy to do. I was always compared with my sister. My sister is
wonderful woman and a great mother. I love my sister very much. I
also respect her as well.

However, it is hard when you are being constantly compared to someone
else. I heard my entire life, "Well, your sister didn't do that" or
"Well, your sister didn't have a problem with that. Why are you
having a problem?" My sister was the pretty one who was smart, and I
was the smart one who was pretty. I wanted to be pretty and smart...
not the smart one who was pretty.

It took me a while to realize that it wasn't my sister's fault that we
were always being compared. My sister was settled into marriage and
family long before me. She has a good paying job. She and her
husband make tons more money than we do. But it doesn't affect me. I
am happy with the decisions that I have made in life. I like my life.
I love my husband, and I don't want my sister's life. Even though
people in my family tell me that I should be aspiring to my sister's
life, I don't listen. I don't have to.

I am telling you this because I have BTDT. When I realized that I was
happy with my own life, what my sister had or did didn't matter
anymore. What matter was that I loved my sister, and she loved me.

--
Daye
Momma to Jayan
EDD 11 Jan 2004

[toypup]

"Shelly" > wrote in message
.. .
> oh i did forget there are things i left out for brevity. She has confided
> in me about and no she does want to get pregnant right away and doesn't
want
> to rely on mother nature. Oh well. And yes i do wish we had more money
> don't we all? but money doesn't make everything. I love my husband more
> than air. It's just funny how we were always compared and i got sucked in
> too i guess.

Maybe she's relied on Mother Nature too long and now wants to get pregnant
right away. Anyway, I don't think I'd admit infertility to anyone, because
it would be hard enough to handle without the unsolicited advice I would
surely get. I doubt the doctor would be prescribing Clomid without a good
reason, too. Around here, you'd really have to have infertility problems to
get it.

[newfy]

"Shelly" > wrote in message
.. .
> Ok this may be long, so I warned ya! I just found out that my cousin is
> TTC. Which I found out she is only doing this because of the attention my
> hubby and I got when we were expecting. She said that they were not
> "actively trying" but if she gets pregnant she gets pregnant. Well now I
> found out that she is taking chlomid (Sp) for fertility. They have only
> been actively talking about getting pregnant for a few months. I say this
> because she told me. It was mostly occurred when I had my DS.

Honestly, I think you might be overreacting. She's entitled to have a baby
too. I don't mean to come across rude, but you are the one who sounds a bit
jealous being worried that she is trying to upstage you, and the money bit.

As for the Clomid use, you really don't know what's going on with someone
unless you are them. Maybe they have actually been trying for quite a while
and just didn't share it with you for many reasons. People like to keep that
type of information private. You aren't entitled to the truth.

Sorry if you are offended, but you asked for an honest opinion. Good luck
and try to enjoy what you have, not what others might get.
--
JennP.
mom to matthew 10/11/00
EDD 4/4/04

[Dagny]

"Nina" > wrote in message
...
>.....
> Even went so far as to name her kid Simone Elice when she knew we were
> naming ours Savannah Elise.
> I dont let it concern me.
>

Simone Elice!?!? (ROTFL) You should pretend to name your next child
something really awful... she can't even copy a pretty name well.

[Nina]

"Dagny" > wrote in message
link.net...
>
>
>
> "Nina" > wrote in message
> ...
> >.....
> > Even went so far as to name her kid Simone Elice when she knew we were
> > naming ours Savannah Elise.
> > I dont let it concern me.
> >
>
> Simone Elice!?!? (ROTFL) You should pretend to name your next child
> something really awful... she can't even copy a pretty name well.
>
>

I have a new sister-in-law now, so all that competing was for naught. My new
husband's sisters are all done having kids, now its my stepdaughter who
managed to get pregnant right after I did. I certainly hope it wasnt for
attention!
(being a mere 12 years younger than me means she was once my friend but now
sees me as a rival. sheesh)

[Naomi Pardue]

> Well now I
>found out that she is taking chlomid (Sp) for fertility. They have only
>been actively talking about getting pregnant for a few months.

I cannot imagine any doctor giving a patient Clomid who had only been trying
for a few months. (Much less give it so that the patient could conceive
multiples, as you suggest later in your post.)
I'm sure they had been trying for a lot longer, or at least had known
fertility problems already.

>Why is she doing this?

Becuase she wants to have a child? I think you need to stop assuming the worst
about people. You'll be much happier and get along better.


Naomi
CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator

(either remove spamblock or change address to to e-mail
reply.)

[Shannon]

I think maybe she picked the name she picked because she liked
it(personally i wouldnt name my kids either)maybe she picked the same middle
name becasue you are family. Mnay women in my family have the same middle
for that reason we are family and i have continued it on by naming all my
girls with the same middle name. I think you are being petty and need to get
over it before you drive yourself crazy.

Shannon

[Nina]

If u are referring to my ex sister in law, no. She was intensely jealous,
everyone knew it. The name I selected was picked for personal reasons,
nothing to do with her or her family. (Whether you would pick either name is
irrelevant, btw.) She was raised by her grandparents and her brothers raised
by her mother, she didnt return to her mother till she was almost an adult.
Because of this she was very insecure and very competitive with me for her
mother's affection, something which puzzled me because I had never done
anything to the woman and didnt know why she hated me. (before she'd ever
met me she'd threatened to kill my husband and kick my ass if he took me to
her mothers house, she had issues) She saw me as a threat, and because my
in-laws all liked me a LOT, she hated me more.

How I'm being petty, I don't know. I named my child what I intended to name
her and honestly hadnt thought of this situation in the 8 years that have
passed, until this thread. I'm way too busy worrying about my new husband
and what to name OUR new baby.
BTW, my ex mother in law and I STILL et along fine, even after the divorce.




"Shannon" > wrote in message
...
> I think maybe she picked the name she picked because she liked
> it(personally i wouldnt name my kids either)maybe she picked the same
middle
> name becasue you are family. Mnay women in my family have the same middle
> for that reason we are family and i have continued it on by naming all my
> girls with the same middle name. I think you are being petty and need to
get
> over it before you drive yourself crazy.
>
> Shannon
>
>

[Karlee in Kansas]

I can't find the original message (I had it at one point...I think my
server ate it) but I just want to delurk for a few minutes and give the OP
my two cents.

(long story, you have been warned)

I'm 27 and on my second marriage and my second baby. My first child is 6,
and for most of his life, I was a single mom. A few years ago my cousin
got married for the first time (his wife is now on her second marriage),
they bought a house, have 3 cars, make a very reasonable amount of money,
and up until recently, were childless.

My wedding was this past thanksgiving (actually about a week before) and
the weekend that I got married, my cousin and his wife announced that she
was 2 months pregnant. Being that I was on my honeymoon, I couldn't
congratulate her in person, so my new DH and I send a congrats card. We
were very genuinely happy for them, because I know that she had some
fertility issues and they had been ttc for two years.

A month after we got married, we found out that I am pregnant.

Fast forward to late January. My grandmother and my son have the same
birthday, and we usually celebrate both birthdays at the same time, with
gramma and my son both blowing out candles on the same cake. My son thinks
that its a riot, and gramma thinks that its very special to share her
birthday with her first great-grand. This year was her 80th birthday, and
our family, along with her church, threw her a card party. We had cake and
punch, and pictures of gramma when she was growing up, all of us grand kids
(and spouses), there was a point where we had a little sit down, and anyone
that wanted to share a funny story about gramma was welcome to take the
podium.

After we had heard and shared many stories about gramma, people were
sitting around talking. I was talking with one of my distant cousins about
the wedding (I am very close to them but they were unable to come to the
wedding), when the aforementioned cousins wife...lets call her
"Jane"...came up to me at the table, and rudely interrupted my
conversation. Jane started yelling at me saying "YOU really aren't
pregnant!!!!!!!!!! YOU are just SAYING that you are because YOU are JEALOUS
of ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! How DARE you try to steal my moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My aunt (her MIL) and my gramma stepped in and removed her from the
situation. I don't know what they said to her, but there was no more
confrontation that day. Jane and my cousin left not long after that, with
nasty glares shot my way from both of them.

Fast forward again, this time to June. My birthday is in early June. The
baby shower was planned for my birthday. Not a problem, but, my DH and my
son had planned a "secret outing" for my birthday, and I didn't want to
hurt my DH's or my son's feelings, so we went on the outing instead. I
figured that I could send a gift or a card later. My gramma, mom, and my
aunt (Jane's MIL) all understood, on two points. First being that it was
my birthday, second being that my DH had just come home from an extended
"training mission" in Korea (he had been gone for 85 days, and had been
home about 10 days by the time my bday rolled around), and they knew that I
wanted to spend time with him. The only person that had an issue with it
was Jane.

At the party, she cornered my mom and got rather nasty with her about my
absence. Among other things, she said "I guess I'm just not good enough
for her to give up an afternoon with her precious husband now am I???"
<imagine snotty tone> and "Well, there goes my gift from HER!!" and "I
know that she really isn't pregnant, she is just keeping up this charade so
that she has an excuse to get fat!!!"

My mom wasn't very happy at this point, because three days earlier I had my
sonogram, and had emailed her pictures of it. I was getting bigger, and it
was obvious that I am pregnant. My mother told her that I really am
pregnant, and she wasn't going to hear any more of this nonsense.

I haven't spoken to Jane since the incident in January at my grammas party.
First, I was trying to let her cool down a bit and come to her senses, and
second, after her little fit at the baby shower I felt that I didn't need
to say anything to her, time will prove her wrong soon enough (6 weeks and
counting). I also haven't sent her a present, even though she had her baby
on July 3rd. My reasons for not sending a gift have nothing to do with her
actions as of late, they have everything to do with what happened when I
shelled out nearly $200 that I didn't have for her wedding and didn't get
so much as a verbal thank you, but I did get snotty remarks about what I
had gotten her and my cousin.

My point in all of this is that from the outside, people will see only what
you lay on the table, and it might be coming across as petty. Other people
might see that your cousin might not be jealous, but that you are getting
upset because you don't feel that they have the right to have a child. (I'm
not trying to slam you, I'm just trying to show you what it might look like
from the outside) I'm trying to show you what it looks like from the other
side of the fence...your cousin being on the same side as me (with a little
difference in circumstance) and you being on the side of the fence that
Jane is on.

I most certainly wasn't jealous of my cousin, but she seemed to *think*
that I was jealous of her, and raised a royal stink about it in the
process. She seems overly obsessed with my pregnancy and my new marriage.
I have not tried to explain to her that this pregnancy was a total surprise
to me and DH (even though we weren't actively trying, we weren't really
doing anything to stop nature either) because I'm sure that I'd be met with
more hateful remarks from her. Not to mention the fact that it really
isn't any more her business how or why I got pregnant, than the how and why
of her getting pregnant isn't my business. Does this maybe strike a new
chord with you?

I wouldn't worry too much about your cousin ttc. Her and her husband
obviously want a baby, and maybe have been trying longer than they will
freely admit. I'd put past issues behind me, and be happy for her when
they have the announcement.

Remember, I'm just giving my honest opinion in all of this, not trying to
hurt anyone.
Karlee in Kansas, wearing the asbestos undies in case there are flames.
EDD Sept 22

[na]

I think that it is SO sad that any one can look at a pregnancy in a negative
light. Be happy, and give congrats!
I told my sister-in-law I was ttc, im 22, already have one DD(in 2000) and
have been married since 99. It was definately time to work on a second. She
was only married a yearans just about 28yo, and when we shed light on us ttc
she bagan trying right away, We were trying to wait for them so our kids
could be the same age but they took so long to make a decision wether to try
or not. We went ahead and 7 months later BINGO! we both looked at this as
kind of a race, however she claimed they werent actually trying. mostly
because she was having problems ttc. She was in the midst of a diet, she put
on ALOT of weight in a short period of time and was not getting her period.
well we anounced our pregnancy and you could tell she was jealous (but happy
too). a couple days later she began talking about seeing a fertility doctor.
Well I was feeling aweful now, it started out as fun, I stoped calling her
and emailing her. 8 Weeks after we got PG they did too!

My point is, try and be tactful no matter what side of the fence you are on.
I am 28 weeks and she is only 20 plus she has on a quite a few more extra
pounds then me. Every time I see her I compliment her... not that I dont
think what I tell her I just make a point of making a bigger deal out of it.
no one likes jealousy

Why does it seem so hard for people to be nice? It takes two people to
create a jealous situation, one to be jealous and the other who is envied, I
personaly feel it is up to the envied one to take the bigger step and help
boost the esteem and make the other feel more as an equal. If that doesnt
work then its better off ended in any way possible.

"melbgal1" > wrote in message
...
> In article >,
> licked the plate clean and said...
> > Ok this may be long, so I warned ya! I just found out that my cousin is
> > TTC. Which I found out she is only doing this because of the attention
my
> > hubby and I got when we were expecting. She said that they were not
> > "actively trying" but if she gets pregnant she gets pregnant. Well now
I
> > found out that she is taking chlomid (Sp) for fertility. They have only
> > been actively talking about getting pregnant for a few months. I say
this
> > because she told me. It was mostly occurred when I had my DS. My aunt
and
> > Grandma came down to see us. Boy is she jealous. For a period of 2
years I
> > lived with my Aunt and Uncle and my cousin has always been jealous of
me. I
> > don't know why, she was always prettier and never went without the
> > boyfriend. Me on the other hand was always considered chunky. It
seemed
> > that what ever I got she had to have 2. To upstage me. Now I'm
seriously
> > wondering if she is using a fertility drug to have multiples. She would
be
> > the only one in the family with them even though they are in our family
and
> > it's our generation. I usually don't give in to her petty competition
but
> > using a fertility drug when you haven't tryed other methods and actively
TTC
> > just floors me. I can't understand why someone would use children like
> > that. My hubby and I got pregnant and our DS was a surprise. We love
him
> > none the less. How do you think I should handle this? I feel kinda
awkward
> > talking to her especially when it comes to my family, I might mention
that
> > she and her hubby make more money than me and mine do in one month than
we
> > do in six. Why is she doing this? Just wanted some other view points.
> > Thanks.
>
>
> Maybe she's just downplaying her conception problems ?
> Maybe sh'es jealous that you got pregnant at a drop of a hat whereas
> she's having real problems
>
> If I were having problems, i'd downplay them too.
>
> Shelve your suspicions - if your discuss them with her, it only makes
> *you* look the petty and jealous one ( no offence there ;)
>