Too Attached

[Jenny]

DD is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, (doesn't even take a
bottle, i've pretty much given up on that). I practice attachment
parenting we spend all day together, I try to do things (shopping,
bills, etc) when she is asleep but most of the time, she is with me.
She does not want anyone else but me or daddy to hold her, whenever
someone (grandma, aunt) tries to hold her she will start crying and
will not stop until I pick her up again. I am affraid to leaver her
with grandma for a few hours because I think she will just cry the
whole time I am away.

She will soon start on solids and will not be as dependent on me for
food, I want to start giving her some independence from me so that
other members of the family can enjoy her. I don't mind being with
her all day, in fact I love our attachment, but I don't know what
repercutions it will have in the future that she does not want to be
with anyone else.

Unfortunately, I live in Ecuador and do not have any friends/family
that can come and visit her, only my husband's family is close and they
come only once or twice a week, I guess their visits need to be more
frecuent so she can get used to more people.

What should i do so she will gradually start to enjoy being with
others?

Jenny

[[email protected]]

I have a couple of suggestions.

First, you need to have daddy spend as much play time with her
while you are present. Get down on the floow with a blanket,
all three of you, and have him interact with her. Dangle toys,
make eyes, etc. Do this *every* day for a hour or more a day.

Next, do the same wiht the relatives you want her to warm up to
every chance you get. Once she is ok with people plyaing and
interacting, then let them hold her. Again with you right there.
Stay in her comfort zone and make it fun for her, but let her
play with others.

Larry

Jenny > writes:
: DD is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, (doesn't even take a
: bottle, i've pretty much given up on that). I practice attachment
: parenting we spend all day together, I try to do things (shopping,
: bills, etc) when she is asleep but most of the time, she is with me.
: She does not want anyone else but me or daddy to hold her, whenever
: someone (grandma, aunt) tries to hold her she will start crying and
: will not stop until I pick her up again. I am affraid to leaver her
: with grandma for a few hours because I think she will just cry the
: whole time I am away.

: She will soon start on solids and will not be as dependent on me for
: food, I want to start giving her some independence from me so that
: other members of the family can enjoy her. I don't mind being with
: her all day, in fact I love our attachment, but I don't know what
: repercutions it will have in the future that she does not want to be
: with anyone else.

: Unfortunately, I live in Ecuador and do not have any friends/family
: that can come and visit her, only my husband's family is close and they
: come only once or twice a week, I guess their visits need to be more
: frecuent so she can get used to more people.

: What should i do so she will gradually start to enjoy being with
: others?

: Jenny

[Marie]

"Jenny" > wrote in message
oups.com...
> DD is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, (doesn't even take a
> bottle, i've pretty much given up on that). I practice attachment
> parenting we spend all day together, I try to do things (shopping,
> bills, etc) when she is asleep but most of the time, she is with me.
> She does not want anyone else but me or daddy to hold her, whenever
> someone (grandma, aunt) tries to hold her she will start crying and
> will not stop until I pick her up again. I am affraid to leaver her
> with grandma for a few hours because I think she will just cry the
> whole time I am away.

Hi, my daughter was also very attached to me. She actually did cry the whole
time anyone else kept her, until she was around two years old. There was
nothing I could do to change her. Some babies are just that way, and you
have to cope with it until they grow out of it. One thing I'd change in my
own situation would have been to have my husband do more with her...baths,
helping get her to sleep, and especially giving me time to myself.
Marie

[Jo]

Jenny wrote:
> DD is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, (doesn't even take a
> bottle, i've pretty much given up on that). I practice attachment
> parenting we spend all day together, I try to do things (shopping,
> bills, etc) when she is asleep but most of the time, she is with me.
> She does not want anyone else but me or daddy to hold her, whenever
> someone (grandma, aunt) tries to hold her she will start crying and
> will not stop until I pick her up again. I am affraid to leaver her
> with grandma for a few hours because I think she will just cry the
> whole time I am away.
>
> She will soon start on solids and will not be as dependent on me for
> food, I want to start giving her some independence from me so that
> other members of the family can enjoy her. I don't mind being with
> her all day, in fact I love our attachment, but I don't know what
> repercutions it will have in the future that she does not want to be
> with anyone else.
>
> Unfortunately, I live in Ecuador and do not have any friends/family
> that can come and visit her, only my husband's family is close and they
> come only once or twice a week, I guess their visits need to be more
> frecuent so she can get used to more people.
>
> What should i do so she will gradually start to enjoy being with
> others?
>
> Jenny
>

I have the same problem with my 7 month old... it's getting better
now... but my understanding is that you don't force it. Let her be
talked to and touched by people while you're holding her, keep
reassuring her...If she's happy, let her be held by them, staying
around, keep reassuring her, but don't touch her if she doesn't need you to.

My son was really bad at 5 - 6 months old. SCREAMED whenever someone
else looked at him sideways, apart from my dh and me. This was only a
week after being fine with anyone and everyone.

What I did was the above, but if he cried, (which he most often did) at
any stage, I took him back and reassured him. I often had to prize him
away from well-meaning relatives who would try to calm him themselves.
It made him (and me!) more upset. My theory is that if you don't force
it, they are less likely to be scared that you won't rescue them
whenever they need you to. In their point of view, you are abandoning
them and leaving them with someone *scary* (not you). They will learn
in their own time that other people are fine to be around, but you can
help gently.

Over christmas we were around a lot of my husband's family, and some
were trying to force him into liking them (iykwim). He'd cry, I'd say,
"you're ok sweety" and they'd say, "no, you can't have your mother", and
take him away. It was horrible. I had to go chase them if he was still
crying, but if he stopped, I'd let it go. Sometimes he'd only cry if he
saw me walk past or something while he was being held by someone else.
In that case, I'd tell him he's ok, and not take him straight away..

This is a long email, but basically what works for us is not to force it.

Jo

[[email protected]]

Jenny wrote:
> DD is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, (doesn't even take a
> bottle, i've pretty much given up on that). I practice attachment
> parenting we spend all day together, I try to do things (shopping,
> bills, etc) when she is asleep but most of the time, she is with me.
> She does not want anyone else but me or daddy to hold her, whenever
> someone (grandma, aunt) tries to hold her she will start crying and
> will not stop until I pick her up again. I am affraid to leaver her
> with grandma for a few hours because I think she will just cry the
> whole time I am away.
>
> She will soon start on solids and will not be as dependent on me for
> food, I want to start giving her some independence from me so that
> other members of the family can enjoy her. I don't mind being with
> her all day, in fact I love our attachment, but I don't know what
> repercutions it will have in the future that she does not want to be
> with anyone else.
>
> Unfortunately, I live in Ecuador and do not have any friends/family
> that can come and visit her, only my husband's family is close and they
> come only once or twice a week, I guess their visits need to be more
> frecuent so she can get used to more people.
>
> What should i do so she will gradually start to enjoy being with
> others?
>
> Jenny

Don't attribute too much of her attachment to how you parent, some kids
are just wired that way. Try taking her to a playgroup or something
where individual people won't get in her face too much. I think being
independent from you and enjoying other people are two separate issues.
You can encourage her to play alone for short bits of time at home,
giving her more independence from you, but that won't necessarily mean
she warms up to other people. Maybe she just has to grow into that.

Elle

[Chookie]

In article . com>,
"Jenny" > wrote:

> DD is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, (doesn't even take a
> bottle, i've pretty much given up on that). I practice attachment
> parenting we spend all day together, I try to do things (shopping,
> bills, etc) when she is asleep but most of the time, she is with me.
> She does not want anyone else but me or daddy to hold her, whenever
> someone (grandma, aunt) tries to hold her she will start crying and
> will not stop until I pick her up again.
<snip>
> She will soon start on solids and will not be as dependent on me for
> food, I want to start giving her some independence from me so that
> other members of the family can enjoy her. I don't mind being with
> her all day, in fact I love our attachment, but I don't know what
> repercutions it will have in the future that she does not want to be
> with anyone else.

Rest assured it's not likely to be much to do with your parenting. I have a
year's maternity leave with DS2 and was also home with DS1 at that age. I'm
pretty much an AP type (though I don't like labelling myself as such). Both
the boys were outgoing babies with a smile for everyone. They might
occasionally look worried when someone picked them up but if I was happy, they
relaxed straight away.

I'm another person who doesn't believe you should push them against their
natures -- if they are a bit shy, forcing them into social situations they are
worried by will make them more shy, not less so. When DS1 was a bit older,
he'd stay with me when we first arrived at a strange house. After he surveyed
the scene for a few minutes and decided it was OK, he'd zoom off to play wiht
the other kids. If I had tried to force him to socialise immediately, I think
he would be less confident now.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.

[Jenny]

Thanks for all your suggestions, I will definetly not force the issue,
but I will try to have her arround more people so she becomes used to
it. We just joined a baby gym twice a week and we socialize with
other babies and mothers.

[MareCat]

"Jenny" > wrote in message
oups.com...
>
> What should i do so she will gradually start to enjoy being with
> others?

Hi Jenny-

You've received some excellent information and advice, which ITA with. I
just wanted to hopefully offer you some reassurance. My DD (will be 3 yo in
a couple of weeks) was the same way when she was an infant and young
toddler. Whenever DH and I would go out on a date by ourselves and leave her
with a friend (which wasn't very often--maybe once every 5-6 months) she'd
cry the entire time we were away. She also was prone to overstimulation
whenever we were around a lot of people in a social setting. I practiced AP
(more or less--she was exclusively b/f, we coslept, and she was with me
almost all the time), and, despite the recommendations from others ("You
need to leave her with more people so she gets used to it," "You need to
stop cosleeping/holding her all the time to encourage her to be more
independent," etc.), I stuck to my guns and continued to provide her with
the sense of security that I really believed she needed. (Not that I didn't
have doubts about how I was parenting her; I was where you are now, with
worrying about whether she'd ever become more independent, for awhile.) I
started leaving her a bit more (at the childcare center at the gym, with her
grandparents when they visited us, etc.) when she got older (between the
ages of 1 and 2), and she started to get more comfortable with me leaving.
(She still cried at first, but eventually she was OK.) Gradually, as she
matured (and as she saw that I always returned to her time after time), she
grew out of it. Soon after her 2nd birthday she had a burst of social
development and became a real social butterfly--smiling at and saying Hi to
everyone she saw and approaching people and talking to them. Today, she's
extremely independent. I can leave her with anyone (she waves at me and
says, "Bye, Mommy! See ya later!" and doesn't look back). She's very
outgoing and a real joy to everyone who meets her.

Mary

[Jenny]

Thanks to all, I will continue to practice AP as much as I can, and
will try to follow all the good advice.

I have figured out that DD is especially bad with grandma, she will
start crying as soon as she looks at her, with other people she will
let them hold her for a while before starting to cry. Any ideas why
this might be? She is my mother in law, her and I have a relatively
good relationship, might DD sense something she does not like in her??

[Amy]

Jenny wrote:
> Thanks to all, I will continue to practice AP as much as I can, and
> will try to follow all the good advice.
>
> I have figured out that DD is especially bad with grandma, she will
> start crying as soon as she looks at her, with other people she will
> let them hold her for a while before starting to cry. Any ideas why
> this might be? She is my mother in law, her and I have a relatively
> good relationship, might DD sense something she does not like in her??

It might be as simple as Grandma wearing too much perfume, but who
knows.
She's a baby, not a psychic! I wouldn't take it as a sign that Grandma
is evil or anything.

I think it would do a lot of parents some good to see social
development in the same way we see language development. You wouldn't
expect a six month old to talk, nor should you expect a six month old
to have any interest in playing with other kids. You wouldn't expect a
one year old to speak in complete sentences, nor should you expect a
baby to go easily to other people until she reaches a certain age.

I can't remember what age that is, exactly, but other posters suggest
that this happens around age two. If you think about it from an
evolutionary standpoint, it makes sense that kids who are naturally
clingy with their parents until they are able to walk and talk would
have a higher rate of survival than kids who naturally go happily and
quietly to any random person who happens to snatch them away (or saber
toothed tiger, or whatever).

Resist the urge to force her to be social, and when people act hurt,
remind them that she's a baby, that it's just a phase, and This Too
Shall Pass. I'd be willing to bet that as people stop trying to force
her to like them, she'll stop seeing them as People Who Take Me Away
>From Mommy, and start seeing them as Fun People I Want To Be With.

Amy