Breastfeeding and feelings...

[xkatx]

I'm wondering if anyone out there has or does or would feel similar to what
I'm feeling lately...
I was a bf baby, so were both of my younger brothers. I have always had
great, great support from my mother as far as nursing goes...
I breastfed DS exclusively until he was about 10 months old, then I put him
straight to a cup when he went to daycare. He's now 5 at the end of this
month. DD is just 2 weeks shy of being 6 months. I haven't nursed her for
probably almost 2 months now and I gave up trying. I am 100% for
breastfeeding and with DS, I absolutely loved every single aspect of it. I
felt the same with DD as well, but I seemed to have nothing but problems...
Her 2 week appointment with the pediatrician went really good. The doc
asked me what I was feeding her - I said breast milk only. He told me it
was not possible for me to be giving her breast milk only and that I surely
must be giving her moose milk (a joke) because her weight gain was perfect
and she was as healthy as can be. He asked, and I told him that yes, when I
would feed on one side, the other side would leak, and he told me then that
I was having no problems at all producing enough milk for her and that
whatever I was doing was perfect.
The problems for me seemed to start right away. I noticed it when DD was
about a month old, since she had slept a good 6-7 hours at night straight
from the day we came home from the hospital. She would not wake to eat, and
we let her sleep when the pediatrician recommended not waking a sleeping
baby just to feed - she won't starve herself while sleeping, and she's
satisfied if she's able to sleep. My mom also said the same thing - let the
baby sleep! She'll wake when she's hungry or uncomfortable or whatever.
I started to notice that after she had been sleeping longer at night, right
off the bat, that she almost seemed to get angry and frustrated while
nursing. I was thinking maybe my milk was going down because she wouldn't
wake to eat at night and my body had told me to make less milk since it
didn't seem to be needing to make so much. To this day, I do not know if
this is true or not, it's just what I have always thought.
I came here a while back asking about this problem DD and I seemed to be
having. Everyone pretty much recommended that I do not offer her a bottle
when she's hungry during the day and to only offer her the breast. I did
this, and she stopped gaining weight, days were really, really tough, yet
she'd eat really, really good at night and really, really good first thing
in the morning. During the day was pure hell with her crying when she was
definitely hungry.
I had tried quite a few breast pumps, as well as expressing milk with just
my hands. To this day, I can still get a bit out of me (sounds kind of odd,
but sorry!) but not really that much - just some drops or whatever before I
get sore. I have since gone to bottles because I just couldn't take all I
had been feeling and going through.

My questions are...

Is it possible that I was making less milk since it seemed we'd only get one
real good feeding in at night and one good feeding in the morning and she
was getting upset over it?

Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you feel about it?

I personally feel like crap over it, but I'm not sure if I should be.
Honestly, it makes me feel almost like a bad mother since I had such a great
experience with DS and I loved bf so much - so much more convenient than
bottles, easier and the time we spent feeding was OUR time that no one else
could take from us. I really do feel like I have failed myself more than
DD... Is this normal? No one really seems to care but me, and I do think
it's a personal thing...
Does anyone have anything that's related to this? Anything would be
appreciated very much...

[Larissa]

I think what you are feeling is PERFECTLY NORMAL. You are grieving the
loss of your breastfeeding relationship, like the one you had with your
DS. Breastfeeding is special and I can understand why you would be
upset about not continuing. It will continue to take time to work
through your feelings about this. Not everyone understands, but here is
a safe haven where I think many of us would be upset to have our
breastfeeding relationship cut short.

You are not a bad mother. The first rule is feed the baby!!! You cannot
let her starve. You followed the advice you were given and it failed.
This is why formula was invented. You did try!

I am not an expert. I do not know wether waking your baby to let her
feed would have saved your milk supply. Certainly the more you feed the
more your body makes. Not everyone responds to pumping, which it sounds
like you also tried. Perhaps her reduced frequency of feedings coupled
with your changing hormones, return of menstruation or something was
enough to tip the balance. Stress seems to be able to affect the let
down reflex, so that would not have helped either.

I hope in time you feel less upset about this.

Larissa
Mum to 3
DD feb 99
DS mar 01
DD2 dec 03

[xkatx]

"Larissa" wrote in message ...
>I think what you are feeling is PERFECTLY NORMAL. You are grieving the
> loss of your breastfeeding relationship, like the one you had with your
> DS. Breastfeeding is special and I can understand why you would be
> upset about not continuing. It will continue to take time to work
> through your feelings about this. Not everyone understands, but here is
> a safe haven where I think many of us would be upset to have our
> breastfeeding relationship cut short.

Well, what I'm feeling doesn't feel like it is perfectly normal, but it does
make me feel better knowing that it is.
It really seems that no one I know does understand. My MIL doesn't care -
she was actually trying to get me to bottle feed right from the start so she
could take the baby and all that, and I think she might have even possibly
thought I was planning on BF so that she couldn't take the baby, which is so
far from the truth and my choice had absolutely NOTHING to do with her. She
was trying to tell me to just give DD regular homo milk with some brown
sugar in it, and I truly though she had gone mad. Since her daughter (my
sis-in-law) fed her children homo milk with brown sugar in it because she
didn't bf and couldn't afford formula, she thinks I should do that as well
since none of SIL's girls died or anything. Quite frankly, there's formula
for a reason, IMO...
Then she was getting upset when I was feeding DD a bottle and not her, but
even with bottles, I feel that it's the next best thing that I can do with
DD since I cannot BF. It's just not the same time, but it helps and it's
something that I like to do anyways when I can. (DH does give bottles if I
am unavailable to or if he wants to, but I think he sees this is one thing I
still like DD and I to do together)
My aunt never bf my cousin, 30 years ago this was, and I even remember one
time I was not welcome to nurse the baby in their living room and I was
asked to go to another room that people weren't sitting around visiting in,
and when I told my uncle that the baby needs to eat and no one I know goes
to another room alone to eat (yes, I had a blanket completely covering me,
and it was only after about 10 minutes before anyone noticed) my dad piped
in that no one really enjoys seeing that... I ended up going to a bedroom
where the bed was covered in jackets, so opted to sit on the floor in the
laundry room rather than sit all over jackets or move them around. That's
just another thing that really bothered me, and kind of didn't really help
things much at all...

> You are not a bad mother. The first rule is feed the baby!!! You cannot
> let her starve. You followed the advice you were given and it failed.
> This is why formula was invented. You did try!

It's not really that I feel like a bad mother... I sometimes almost feel
embarrassed buying formula at the store and sometimes ashamed when feeding
the baby in public with a bottle. I really don't know why. I did try, even
went so far as going to a BF clinic where they told me go rent a big Medela
electric pump that was going to cost me $100 deposit on a credit card (which
we do not have) plus $57/month or something like $4/day - whichever ends up
being cheaper. We didn't have that kind of money or credit card to do this,
and we just tried a few different electric and manual pumps with no luck.

> I am not an expert. I do not know wether waking your baby to let her
> feed would have saved your milk supply. Certainly the more you feed the
> more your body makes. Not everyone responds to pumping, which it sounds
> like you also tried. Perhaps her reduced frequency of feedings coupled
> with your changing hormones, return of menstruation or something was
> enough to tip the balance. Stress seems to be able to affect the let
> down reflex, so that would not have helped either.

It could have been the stress, but at that point in time, there really
wasn't too much stress, but I do believe there was some. I had way more
stress on a daily basis while pregnant, so I don't know.

> I hope in time you feel less upset about this.

I'm sure I will. It's only been a short time since we've gone to bottles
only, and it's not THAT bad. Just every now and then it gets to me, and
sometimes if I see someone bf their baby or someone I know talks about their
bf, I get almost resentful at times, then a little bit sad. It's really
kind of strange.
Thank you for your reply. It did make me feel a bit better knowing that
there are some who would probably feel the same way! We're talking about
TTC again soon, and no matter what happens, whenever we do have another one,
I do plan to still bf as best as I can and for as long as I can!

> Larissa
> Mum to 3
> DD feb 99
> DS mar 01
> DD2 dec 03
>

[Larissa]

It is stories like yours that are good to help remind me that there are
women who do try and bf but for a variety of reasons can't. I have to
stop myself from being judgemental when I see a baby drinking from a
bottle.

My SIL had a terrible time trying to bf. The baby had a very poor suck
and was not interested in eating, today at 5yo she still hardly eats.
Anyway my SIL pumped exclusively for 3 months and was very upset about
not being able to bf. After 3 months her wrists and hands were
suffering from using a manal pump and her supply dwindled.

Happily, SIL bf their second child for about 20 months with no
problems. It is quite possible that things will be different with your
next child. It sounds like bf is not really part of your family culture
and I know this can be difficult. My MIL chose not to bf any of her
children, she gradually got used to me bf and after she tried to get me
to wean at one point eventually stopped commenting on it.

I think it may help if you can gather some real life support when you
get pregnant, is there an LLL group in your area? Or some friends you
have who have bf? And of course there is this group, which can be quite
supportive, although appears to be a bit quiet at the moment.

Larissa

[KC]

With my first dd bf didn't work out for us because of my supply, and
because I had to go back to work. I worked really hard to try to make
it work for the first month. I nursed her ALOT. I also had chronic
leg pain at that time, and it was quite torturous to sit still nursing
for so long. All that got me was low diaper counts and absolutely
needing to give her formula in addition to the breast. After 4 weeks I
quit nursing and switched to pumping only since I had to go back to
work and would need to pump at work. I pumped for 4.5 months more
never making enough to feed her more than 1/2 breast milk and then went
to 100% formula. I felt sad about it all too, and nobody really
understood either. They didn't think it was a big deal either way, but
I believed in the health benefits of breast milk, so it was a big deal
to me.

I have been able to nurse my 2nd and 3rd babies much better. I have
had to supplement some every time to avoid dehydration and low diaper
counts, but I was eventually able to get off formula with them.

I do still feel bad about it not working better the first time. I
don't dwell on it or anything, but it is still a regret for me when I
do think about it.

KC



xkatx wrote:
> I'm wondering if anyone out there has or does or would feel similar to what
> I'm feeling lately...
> I was a bf baby, so were both of my younger brothers. I have always had
> great, great support from my mother as far as nursing goes...
> I breastfed DS exclusively until he was about 10 months old, then I put him
> straight to a cup when he went to daycare. He's now 5 at the end of this
> month. DD is just 2 weeks shy of being 6 months. I haven't nursed her for
> probably almost 2 months now and I gave up trying. I am 100% for
> breastfeeding and with DS, I absolutely loved every single aspect of it. I
> felt the same with DD as well, but I seemed to have nothing but problems...
> Her 2 week appointment with the pediatrician went really good. The doc
> asked me what I was feeding her - I said breast milk only. He told me it
> was not possible for me to be giving her breast milk only and that I surely
> must be giving her moose milk (a joke) because her weight gain was perfect
> and she was as healthy as can be. He asked, and I told him that yes, when I
> would feed on one side, the other side would leak, and he told me then that
> I was having no problems at all producing enough milk for her and that
> whatever I was doing was perfect.
> The problems for me seemed to start right away. I noticed it when DD was
> about a month old, since she had slept a good 6-7 hours at night straight
> from the day we came home from the hospital. She would not wake to eat, and
> we let her sleep when the pediatrician recommended not waking a sleeping
> baby just to feed - she won't starve herself while sleeping, and she's
> satisfied if she's able to sleep. My mom also said the same thing - let the
> baby sleep! She'll wake when she's hungry or uncomfortable or whatever.
> I started to notice that after she had been sleeping longer at night, right
> off the bat, that she almost seemed to get angry and frustrated while
> nursing. I was thinking maybe my milk was going down because she wouldn't
> wake to eat at night and my body had told me to make less milk since it
> didn't seem to be needing to make so much. To this day, I do not know if
> this is true or not, it's just what I have always thought.
> I came here a while back asking about this problem DD and I seemed to be
> having. Everyone pretty much recommended that I do not offer her a bottle
> when she's hungry during the day and to only offer her the breast. I did
> this, and she stopped gaining weight, days were really, really tough, yet
> she'd eat really, really good at night and really, really good first thing
> in the morning. During the day was pure hell with her crying when she was
> definitely hungry.
> I had tried quite a few breast pumps, as well as expressing milk with just
> my hands. To this day, I can still get a bit out of me (sounds kind of odd,
> but sorry!) but not really that much - just some drops or whatever before I
> get sore. I have since gone to bottles because I just couldn't take all I
> had been feeling and going through.
>
> My questions are...
>
> Is it possible that I was making less milk since it seemed we'd only get one
> real good feeding in at night and one good feeding in the morning and she
> was getting upset over it?
>
> Has anyone else had something similar happen? How did you feel about it?
>
> I personally feel like crap over it, but I'm not sure if I should be.
> Honestly, it makes me feel almost like a bad mother since I had such a great
> experience with DS and I loved bf so much - so much more convenient than
> bottles, easier and the time we spent feeding was OUR time that no one else
> could take from us. I really do feel like I have failed myself more than
> DD... Is this normal? No one really seems to care but me, and I do think
> it's a personal thing...
> Does anyone have anything that's related to this? Anything would be
> appreciated very much...

[Catherine Woodgold]

You can still choose to try to re-start breastfeeding, if
you want to. Since you have strong feelings about it, you
might want to. On the other hand, you can also choose
not to. You can try to feel confident in your choice:
"I made this decision. I realize that there are
advantages and disadvantages both ways. This is what
I decided and I feel comfortable with my decision."

You're experiencing grief and deep disappointment.
I would feel the same. It's OK to feel grief.
There are normal stages of grief: denial, anger etc.
leading finally to acceptance. Sometimes rituals
can help. You can think of rituals that are
meaningful to you: writing a poem, reading a poem
aloud that expresses your feelings, pouring water
on the ground, going for a walk to think things over.
You can do something privately or with other people,
or not do anything like that if the idea doesn't
appeal to you. You could do something once or
repeat it at regular intervals or when you feel
like it.

Books by David Burns are helpful for working
out feelings if the feelings are out of control.
"Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" for example.

I don't know why your daughter acted as she did.
Maybe after she slept for the night you had too much
milk and it came out too fast, or maybe it came
out too slowly for her. Maybe she had stomach
aches or something. Maybe her latch wasn't so good.

Anyway, you made a series of choices each of which
seemed reasonable at the time and even now as far
as I know they were reasonable. We don't know
what caused the problems.