is it ok to let them cry a bit?

[oregonchick]

My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she cries.
I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the car and
starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot and pull
over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to feed her, or
give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is making her cry. But
sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I obligated to hold and
rock and sooth her until she quits, or after awhile, can I set her down and
finish whatever I need to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to the
bathroom??? I just need to know if it's ok sometimes to let them cry. I
really want to get my cardio workout in every day. I have a baby monitor
that I set in front of my elliptical so I can see if she is crying (I have
my music headphones on so can't hear it). But I find that almost every
single time she cries when I am trying to work out. I never go for more
than 30 minutes, so I wonder if I should just keep doing my workout, or
what?

Betsy

[Jess]

"oregonchick" > wrote in message
...
> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she
> cries. I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the car
> and starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot and
> pull over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to feed
> her, or give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it
> doesn't. Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is making her cry.
> But sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I obligated to hold
> and rock and sooth her until she quits, or after awhile, can I set her
> down and finish whatever I need to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to
> the bathroom???

The standard I had to use was-is she clean, fed, safe, and have something to
occupy her? If so, then I'll try to comfort her. If it didn't work and I'd
been up with her for a long time or dinner's about to set the house on fire,
then I'd put her down on her crib.

Keep in mind-it could be something like gas or a poking tag. Check the
stupid stuff first as part of your definition of comforting.

Jess

[Serenity]

I think you should read the recent research on "crying it out" and the
physiological brain changes caused and make your own decision.
Serenity

[Anne Rogers]

it's your choice, personally I don't deliberately let a child cry, but if
they cry on a car journey, for example I'll usually just reach my desination
(I'm usually going journies max 20 mins) as that is so much more practical
for nappy changing, feeding etc. Other times I will put Ada down and she
will cry for a very short time, but that is usually my fault for putting her
down too late for a sleep. Have you considered putting her in a carrier for
your workout? You'd sure get a good work out!

Anne

[stasya]

oregonchick wrote:
> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she cries.
> I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the car and
> starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot and pull
> over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to feed her, or
> give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
> Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is making her cry. But
> sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I obligated to hold and
> rock and sooth her until she quits, or after awhile, can I set her down and
> finish whatever I need to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to the
> bathroom??? I just need to know if it's ok sometimes to let them cry. I
> really want to get my cardio workout in every day. I have a baby monitor
> that I set in front of my elliptical so I can see if she is crying (I have
> my music headphones on so can't hear it). But I find that almost every
> single time she cries when I am trying to work out. I never go for more
> than 30 minutes, so I wonder if I should just keep doing my workout, or
> what?
>
> Betsy

I know my opinion on this wouldn't be all that popular, however, here
it is. I've let my babies cry for a few minutes at times to do things
that need to be done. If I have to let my current baby cry to go change
her big brother's diaper, or finish making dinner, or I'm halfway
through a shower, etc etc, I will. It's just the facts of life at this
point that some things need to be done for my older children that will
not always accomodate the baby's need for attention right NOW. I will
do them as quick as possible, and if my activity will take more than 2
or 3 minutes, I ask my 4 yo dd to either go sit beside the baby so the
baby can see her and know she's not alone, or put the baby in her seat
and ask my dd to rock her gently. For your workout though, that is
another thing. I would get a sling if your baby likes it, and wear her
while working out. I know my baby would love it, the constant motion,
being held...

Stasya

[Sidheag McCormack]

oregonchick writes:

> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she
> cries. I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the
> car and starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot
> and pull over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to
> feed her, or give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works,
> sometimes it doesn't. Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is
> making her cry. But sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I
> obligated to hold and rock and sooth her until she quits, or after
> awhile, can I set her down and finish whatever I need to do - fix
> dinner, do my workout, go to the bathroom??? I just need to know if it's
> ok sometimes to let them cry. I really want to get my cardio workout in
> every day. I have a baby monitor that I set in front of my elliptical so
> I can see if she is crying (I have my music headphones on so can't hear
> it). But I find that almost every single time she cries when I am trying
> to work out. I never go for more than 30 minutes, so I wonder if I
> should just keep doing my workout, or what?

First practical things:

Do you have, or would you consider getting, a good sling or baby carrier?
That might get you a solution that would let you hold your daughter *and*
carry on with getting the dinner, doing your workout or going to the
bathroom. (Obviously not all kinds of workouts, but I'd have thought using
an elliptical would go quite well with a baby in a carrier - I'd go for one
that puts her symmetrically on your body, though, not an over-one-shoulder
sort, so as to avoid putting uneven strain on your back while you
exercise.)

Where is she while you're exercising? Not in sight, clearly, or you
wouldn't need the monitor. I wonder whether the reason why she cries when
you do it is that she doesn't understand the noise the machine makes? Colin
used to hate it when there were noises he couldn't see the source of, even
very young. Even if you can't wear her while you exercise, it might be
worth a try exercising while she's rested and awake, while she sits in a
bouncy seat or something in a position where you can make eye contact with
her, sing to her, whatever. Maybe sing along with your music?

About whether it's OK to leave babies to cry, since you ask:

I think most people find that there are some occasions when you *have* to
leave a baby crying. I tend to remind myself particularly that people who
have more than one child presumably have to do this: sometimes, they'll be
doing something with child 1, child 2 will start to cry and they won't be
able to be there instantly, for example, without being impossibly unfair to
child 1. However, my choice was only to leave my DS crying when I felt
there was really no alternative, and to have a pretty stringent definition
of that. I certainly wouldn't have left him to cry while I worked out, for
example. Part of the argument, for me, is that even though small babies
don't understand when you say "I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, I was in
the middle of doing X", still there ought to be a convincing explanation of
that kind (say, one that would make sense if you gave it to an adult in
distress - although babies are in distress far more often than adults, I
feel that the distress deserves to be taken as seriously), and it ought to
be given, so that as they do start to understand, they grow up with the
idea that their needs are a high priority to you (even though not your only
priority).

A rather different thing is what you do when nothing you do seems to help.
The view I took was the rather hardline one that if DS was crying, someone
ought to be with him, preferably holding him. I have a gut feeling that
leaving someone alone when they're distressed is not nice, even if you
can't help. However, for me, that doesn't mean that someone has to be
actively trying to comfort him all the time. Sometimes, I'd wear him, and
go about my business while he cried, just talking soothingly to him from
time to time. I think that it occasionally happened that the problem was
that he was overstimulated, and then actively trying to comfort him made
things worse. Some people take the view that when they think that's the
problem, it's best to leave the baby alone in a room crying, and then they
soon go to sleep. I think that's arguable, but as I said, didn't do it
myself.

Don't confuse what I've said with the idea that it's bad when a baby cries
and they ought to be prevented from crying at all costs. I don't think
that: I think that *as well* as taking their distress seriously, you *also*
have to make sure that you recognise it as theirs, and let them grow up
with the confidence that their distress doesn't destroy you. i.e. it's not
"oh how terrible, you're so upset, poor you", it's "I'm sorry you're
feeling sad, Mummy's here". I'm not feeling very articulate, but I hope
that makes some kind of sense.

Sidheag
DS Colin Oct 27 2003

[[email protected]]

I would say going to the bathroom, yes, workout, no. I can't imagine
trying to get any sustained 20- or 30-minute activity in unless she was
actually asleep, quite apart from whether she was crying. Does she not
have any naps long enough? or is it just too unpredictable?

--Helen

[Me Myself and I]

With both of my children at 6 weeks if there weren't feeding they were
asleep apart from very short amount of awake time in which I spent with her.
It wasn't till she was older that we had periods where she would have to
squawk for a minute while I finished in the toilet.

Is she colicky? Hungry? Tired? Maybe mine were the exception but they
didn't just cry at this early stage.


--
Pip
My girls :
DD1 Jasmine - 5 weeks early - 21 March 02 - "I'm a big girl cause I go to
school kindy"
DD2 Abby - 8 weeks early - 3 Feb 05 - and cruising the furniture.

"Inside me is a skinny women screaming to get out........but I can normally
keep the b*tch quiet with cookies"


--
"oregonchick" > wrote in message
...
> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she
> cries. I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the car
> and starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot and
> pull over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to feed
> her, or give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it
> doesn't. Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is making her cry.
> But sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I obligated to hold
> and rock and sooth her until she quits, or after awhile, can I set her
> down and finish whatever I need to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to
> the bathroom??? I just need to know if it's ok sometimes to let them cry.
> I really want to get my cardio workout in every day. I have a baby
> monitor that I set in front of my elliptical so I can see if she is crying
> (I have my music headphones on so can't hear it). But I find that almost
> every single time she cries when I am trying to work out. I never go for
> more than 30 minutes, so I wonder if I should just keep doing my workout,
> or what?
>
> Betsy
>

[oregonchick]

"Serenity" > wrote in message
...
>I think you should read the recent research on "crying it out" and the
>physiological brain changes caused and make your own decision.
> Serenity

I don't buy into the "latest research" all the time. Things seem to always
change. I'd rather hear what other women are doing and whether it is
working for them.

[oregonchick]

"Anne Rogers" > wrote in message
...
> it's your choice, personally I don't deliberately let a child cry, but if
> they cry on a car journey, for example I'll usually just reach my
> desination (I'm usually going journies max 20 mins) as that is so much
> more practical for nappy changing, feeding etc. Other times I will put Ada
> down and she will cry for a very short time, but that is usually my fault
> for putting her down too late for a sleep. Have you considered putting her
> in a carrier for your workout? You'd sure get a good work out!
>
> Anne

I hate letting her cry. We're talking about some serious colic issues
lately. An hour of screaming at a time. I just get to my wits end. I
can't carry her during my workout, it would mess with my range of motion on
the elliptical. I do carry her in a sling at other times, but it doesn't
seem to help when she is having a fit.

[oregonchick]

" > wrote in message
ups.com...
>I would say going to the bathroom, yes, workout, no. I can't imagine
> trying to get any sustained 20- or 30-minute activity in unless she was
> actually asleep, quite apart from whether she was crying. Does she not
> have any naps long enough? or is it just too unpredictable?
>
> --Helen

Her naps are sometimes long enough, but completely unpredictable from day to
day.

[oregonchick]

"Me Myself and I" > wrote in message
...
> With both of my children at 6 weeks if there weren't feeding they were
> asleep apart from very short amount of awake time in which I spent with
> her. It wasn't till she was older that we had periods where she would have
> to squawk for a minute while I finished in the toilet.
>
> Is she colicky? Hungry? Tired? Maybe mine were the exception but they
> didn't just cry at this early stage.
>

I think it must be colic. I guess I thought all babies just cried
endlessly!

[Notchalk]

Fantastic post, Sidheag :)

Jo

[Notchalk]

On 2006-01-27 10:48:19 +0800, "oregonchick" > said:

>
> "Me Myself and I" > wrote in message
> ...
>> With both of my children at 6 weeks if there weren't feeding they were
>> asleep apart from very short amount of awake time in which I spent with
>> her. It wasn't till she was older that we had periods where she would
>> have to squawk for a minute while I finished in the toilet.
>>
>> Is she colicky? Hungry? Tired? Maybe mine were the exception but
>> they didn't just cry at this early stage.
>>
>
> I think it must be colic. I guess I thought all babies just cried endlessly!

Some people swear by Brauer Colic Relief... I have some unopend if you
want to try it? Not sure if you get it in he US, or how long it would
take to post it from Australia...

Jo
--
Woman, Wife, Mother, Midwife

[KC]

I haven't had to let my babies cry too much, and I have 3 kids. The
baby may cry for a minute if I have to do a quick thing for another
kid, but the older kids have to wait for the baby to sleep for bigger
things. In a car I sang my babies lullabies if I don't want to stop
yet. It almost always works to stop them from crying. I will say that
I never get seconds on dinner though. My now 8 month old baby will
only last long enough at that time of day for me to barely appease my
hunger. Can you switch your workout to a time of day that your baby
sleeps longer?

Do you give your baby gas drops? That may help if gas is what is
making her cry. Do you have a swing? That may help occupy her while
you workout at this age. Plus the more uprightness of a swing could
help if it is gas. Our swing had a recline position that we used
within a few weeks of birth. My kids hated bouncy seats, but some kids
like them, so that is another thing you might want to try.

KC

[[email protected]]

DS cried *a lot* for the first few weeks. We tried Infacol and gripe
water but nothing helped. As he was clearly uncomfortable we soothed
him as much as we could. In the car seat we just let him cry as we
never went very far and if we did he would usually fall asleep after
10-15 mins. Occasionally, if he ramped it up to *really* upset then I
would get in the back with him as DP (I always wondered what the
alternative to DH is, now I know) drives, but this was and is very
rare. It is very frustrating when you can't do anything for yourself. I
just kept reminding myself that he was very small and it wouldn't last
forever. Of course what I didn't know was that ds would turn out the be
king of the short nappers, so I have enve less time but at least he is
mostly happy, which is the main thing for me. Around 3 months his
'colic' reduced and soon disappeared. At 6 months I still don't think
crying it out (hasn't Ferber just gone back on this anyway?) would work
for him as he just gets more upset, but I have heard of people that it
works for. But I understood this to be for sleep issues rather than
colic.

Jeni

[Anne Rogers]

Jo wrote:
> Fantastic post, Sidheag :)

that's just what I was thinking!

Anne

[KR]

Every parent is different, what I used to do depended entirely on the
situation.

If I was driving in the car, I wouldn't normally pull over since I was
usually going somewhere that I had to be at a certain time. My drives
were never very long. For a workout, I usually did that while my
husband was home and I left the house to do it. You can split your
cardio into 2 pieces throughout the day, if that works better for you.
She may be amused by watching you workout from a bouncy chair, or a
play pen, or whatever rather then you try to do it while she is
supposed to be napping.

I also delegated baby responsibility to my husband when it came to
cooking, cleaning, showering, using the bathroom, etc. I'm not sure
how different things will be with #2, but I still hope to get my
exercise in early ever morning before DH goes to work for the day!

Hang in there, it won't be long before your baby starts showing some
type of schedule and you'll be able to count on some time to exercise
every day!

KR

[Sidheag McCormack]

Anne Rogers writes:

> Jo wrote:
>> Fantastic post, Sidheag :)

> that's just what I was thinking!

> Anne


Aw, thank you both :-) This newsgroup has been very important to me over
the years, helping me to work out what I agree with and what not. Hope I
can occasionally do my bit in return.

Sidheag
DS Colin Oct 27 2003

[Nikki]

oregonchick wrote:
> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she
> cries. I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of
> the car and starts to wail... What do I do?

Ugh - that is the worst. Hunter always cried in the car. Nothing I did for
him made a darn bit of difference - he just hated the car. I finally timed
it....and I had to use the clock because 5 minutes seemed like 50. I'd wait
15 minutes and then pull over to comfort him if I was able to...or if I was
less then 5 minutes from my destination I'd sometimes wait. I started with
shorter time frames but really - you don't get anywhere that way :-)

> I always try to fix
> whatever is making her cry. But sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then
> I wonder, am I obligated to hold and rock and sooth her until she
> quits, or after awhile, can I set her down and finish whatever I need
> to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to the bathroom??? I just need
> to know if it's ok sometimes to let them cry.

I found that I usually could comfort my babies so I had a hard time just
putting them down. If they would have continued to cry no matter what I did
I may have laid them down for 10-15 minutes or so to see if they'd fall
asleep or something. My biggest stupid thing was not peeing when I needed
to...or waking up to get the baby *before* going to the bathroom and getting
a drink . The 3 minutes it takes to pee and get a glass of water is not
going to hurt anything and would have made a big difference in my life!

> I really want to get
> my cardio workout in every day.

Do you live with babies dad? If you do I would suggest doing this when he
is home. Other options. A sling, carrier, or backpack. I *loved* my
backpack once Luke could hold his head up. A baby swing. Luke would swing
for about 30 minutes over supper. Hunter hated it so it doesn't work for
every baby. Do you have a stroller? You could probably power walk for an
hour if she was in a stroller. Join a gym with child care. Find child care
somehow - maybe trade with another mom or something? These suggestions
often cost money so if that is in short supply it might not be easy. You
might also look in the library for some baby/mom exercise video's. I know
there are some out there where the exercise routine incorporates the baby.
I can't vouch for them as I've never seen one.

The biggest adjustment for me was getting used to only being able to do
things in 5-10 minute spurts. It took me a long time not to go crazy
because of it.

Good luck!

--
Nikki
Hunter 4/99
Luke 4/01
Thing One and Thing Two :-) EDD 4/06

[V.]

"oregonchick" > wrote in message
...
> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she
> cries. I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the car
> and starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot and
> pull over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to feed
> her, or give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it
> doesn't. Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is making her cry.
> But sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I obligated to hold
> and rock and sooth her until she quits, or after awhile, can I set her
> down and finish whatever I need to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to
> the bathroom??? I just need to know if it's ok sometimes to let them cry.
> I really want to get my cardio workout in every day. I have a baby
> monitor that I set in front of my elliptical so I can see if she is crying
> (I have my music headphones on so can't hear it). But I find that almost
> every single time she cries when I am trying to work out. I never go for
> more than 30 minutes, so I wonder if I should just keep doing my workout,
> or what?
>
> Betsy
>

I'm in much the same position as you Betsy, as my little one is now 8 wks
old. After reading the posts so far, I have a couple of thoughts.
1) You said that a sling messes up your rhythm on the elliptical....I just
made a stretchy wrap and LOVE it....it holds her so much more securely to me
and the weight is distributed in such a way it's like being pregnant again
(in a good way). I'd say if you could do the elliptical while pregnant, you
could wear her in a wrap. (and even if you couldn't while pregnant, it may
still work since the weight is a little higher than during pregnancy).
2) I'm not especially proud of this, but when Madi was 5 wks old she got a
cold and I put her to bed in her car seat so her nose wouldn't get too
stuffed up. She slept for 8 hrs straight that first night, and has slept
for at least one 5-8 hour stretch each night since, so she's sleeping in the
car seat until I figure out a better idea! Seriously, if she is having
colic issues, this might help since one theory of colic IIRC is that it
could be related to reflux.
3) From the reading I've been doing, even the CIO advocates say basically
"not before 12 wks". I too have had to put her down and walk away to take a
break though and have discovered that if I leave her for 5 min or less and
return, my soothing techniques start working again like we hit a reset
button or something. If I'm gone for more than 5 min she just gets herself
worked up even more. I was just reading a book called "Healthy Sleep
Solutions, Happy Child" by Mark Weissbluth, a pediatric sleep specialist.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with all his strategies (he does advocate CIO),
but the information on how infant sleep evolves and changes was so helpful.
For example, night time sleep organization happens around 6 wks, but daytime
naps don't happen until later. This made so much sense to me when I read it
since Madi sleeps great at night, but it's hit or miss during the day. This
info gave me permission to stop worrying about it. And, she is actually
starting to take a lengthy morning nap, just like he said she would!
Afternoon naps soon to follow, I hope.
Anyway, just wanted to give you some sympathy :) and share what is helping
me at the moment. Please do the same if you hit upon a magic solution!
Amy

[Chookie]

In article >,
"oregonchick" > wrote:

> My daughter is now 6 wks old, and I have a horrible feeling when she cries.

That's quite natural and is part of being a mother -- it's the sound that
makes you jump to attention out of a sound sleep!

> I especially can't stand it when she is in the back seat of the car and
> starts to wail... What do I do? Usually I hurry to find a spot and pull
> over, climb in the back seat and try to pacify her. I try to feed her, or
> give her the binky, or whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
> Same at home. I always try to fix whatever is making her cry. But
> sometimes, nothing I do helps. Then I wonder, am I obligated to hold and
> rock and sooth her until she quits, or after awhile, can I set her down and
> finish whatever I need to do - fix dinner, do my workout, go to the
> bathroom??? I just need to know if it's ok sometimes to let them cry. I

Of course it's OK sometimes to let them cry. If I am helping DS1 with the
toilet, or at a critical moment in cooking something, DS2 just has to cry for
a moment or two. But I don't *leave* him crying; I deal with it as soon as I
can. IMHO small babies shouldn't be left to cry on their own, unless
something exceptional is happening (such as feeling like you need to throw her
out a window -- yes, we all feel that way from time to time! If you do, put
her down and go somewhere to calm down). Even if you can't find out why she's
upset, you can still comfort her a bit with your presence.

> really want to get my cardio workout in every day.

Whoa! Have you cleared this with your doctor? Get them to check if you have
a stomach muscle separation or anything else which might affect your exercise
regime. There are also particular exercises that help you recover fom
pregnancy/birth (not just the pelvic floor exercises!) -- ask about those too.

> I have a baby monitor
> that I set in front of my elliptical so I can see if she is crying (I have
> my music headphones on so can't hear it). But I find that almost every
> single time she cries when I am trying to work out. I never go for more
> than 30 minutes, so I wonder if I should just keep doing my workout, or
> what?

Is there some reason you can't have the baby with you while you exercise? (I
have no idea what an "elliptical" is.) Maybe she'd like the music too and
just wants to be with you. Another thought: do you put the music up loud?
She might be able to hear it and find it annoying. I certainly don't think
you should expect a 6-week-old baby to cry for 30 mins without comfort unless
it's a life-or-death situation.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.