Re: Need Advice

[Stephanie S]

"John~Dole" > wrote in message
om...
> I have a friend that lost his wife of 4 years. She was pregnant with
> their second child and dies from heart problems.
>
> My friend is now a single parent and only 28 years old. His first
> child is 5 years old.
>
> It has been hard on the child, she is very shy and I cant imagine how
> hard it is for a guy to raise a daughter alone.
>
> I am noticing a trend and dont know wht to say. Lately my friend is
> losing his patience. He is getting mad at the 5 year old quickly and
> raises his voice. I agree that parents should be strict, but this is
> all the time I see them at the same time.
>
> How do I tell my friend that she is only a child and he should try to
> calm down without jepodizing our friendship?


In my opinion, I would not tell him any such thing directly. What *I* would
do is this... (reasoning included). Stress is a frequent cause of this kind
of thing. Sounds like he is in a very stressful situation. So I would
endeavor to reduce his stress. I might send meals for the freezer. If I were
loaded, I would buy him Merry Maids gift certificates. I would try and
socialize with him, bring over a six pack of beer and ask him how he is
doing. This kind of thing.



S

[Leah Adezio]

"John~Dole" > wrote in message
om...
> I have a friend that lost his wife of 4 years. She was pregnant with
> their second child and dies from heart problems.
>
> My friend is now a single parent and only 28 years old. His first
> child is 5 years old.

My sympathies for his loss. My husband died suddenly on May 21st from
cardiac arrest. He was 41 and we have 2 children, so what I'm going to tell
you is from experience.
>
> It has been hard on the child, she is very shy and I cant imagine how
> hard it is for a guy to raise a daughter alone.
>
> I am noticing a trend and dont know wht to say. Lately my friend is
> losing his patience. He is getting mad at the 5 year old quickly and
> raises his voice. I agree that parents should be strict, but this is
> all the time I see them at the same time.
>
> How do I tell my friend that she is only a child and he should try to
> calm down without jepodizing our friendship?

He is grieving. He is experiencing a myriad of emotions -- sadness, feeling
lost, numbness, denial...and *anger*....possibly all at the same time. He
has not only lost his wife at much too young an age, but he has also lost a
child. In this respect, he has lost aspirations and dreams of the future he
had planned to have with his wife as they grew and grew old together as well
as his future hopes and dreams for his unborn child.

Right now, his life, to be blunt, sucks. And it's okay to admit that. It
*does*.

He may be taking some of this anger out on his daughter -- not
*intentionally*, mind you...but that may be just where it's going. He is
now the primary sole caregiver of a 5 year old child who has lost her
mother. He probably doesn't know which way to turn...he has to raise her,
still make a living and just manage to survive day to day.

He doesn't need your advice --- what he needs is your *help*. Do you have
other friends around? Offer to take his daughter for an afternoon so he can
have some time to himself. Have friends make meals -- ones that can be
frozen are especially good, so that after a long day at work, he can just
pop something into the oven. Have one friend babysit while you take him to
a movie, or just go for a walk. Do laundry for him. Offer to take his car
to have the oil changed, or to be washed and vacuumed. Pick up the dry
cleaning. Offer to go grocery shopping for him. Run the vacuum around the
house...or mow the lawn. You get the idea.

Don't ask him what he thinks he needs -- he probably doesn't *know* (gods
know *I* don't). Listen to him, let him cry. Don't tell him to 'be
strong'. Don't tell him that he's young and he'll find someone new to love
someday. A wife is not like an old car to be replaced when it breaks down.

Help him take care of his emotional health and he will be better equipped to
take care of his child.

Leah
______
In Memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved Husband, Father, Heart's Companion

[Leah Adezio]

"cloud nine" > wrote in message
...
> I am so sorry for your loss, Leah. My thoughts are with you and your
> family.

Thank you, Sue. That means a lot. Everyone here has been very kind and
compassionate and just knowing that makes this strange and awful journey we
are now forced to be on makes things a little more bearable.

Leah
______
In Memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved Husband, Father, Heart's Companion

>
> --
> Sue
> Mom to Benton - 25 months old
> http://photos.yahoo.com/ifome
>
>
>

[Stephanie S]

"Leah Adezio" > wrote in message
...
>
> "John~Dole" > wrote in message
> om...
> > I have a friend that lost his wife of 4 years. She was pregnant with
> > their second child and dies from heart problems.
> >
> > My friend is now a single parent and only 28 years old. His first
> > child is 5 years old.
>
> My sympathies for his loss. My husband died suddenly on May 21st from
> cardiac arrest. He was 41 and we have 2 children, so what I'm going to
tell
> you is from experience.
> >
> > It has been hard on the child, she is very shy and I cant imagine how
> > hard it is for a guy to raise a daughter alone.
> >
> > I am noticing a trend and dont know wht to say. Lately my friend is
> > losing his patience. He is getting mad at the 5 year old quickly and
> > raises his voice. I agree that parents should be strict, but this is
> > all the time I see them at the same time.
> >
> > How do I tell my friend that she is only a child and he should try to
> > calm down without jepodizing our friendship?
>
> He is grieving. He is experiencing a myriad of emotions -- sadness,
feeling
> lost, numbness, denial...and *anger*....possibly all at the same time. He
> has not only lost his wife at much too young an age, but he has also lost
a
> child. In this respect, he has lost aspirations and dreams of the future
he
> had planned to have with his wife as they grew and grew old together as
well
> as his future hopes and dreams for his unborn child.
>
> Right now, his life, to be blunt, sucks. And it's okay to admit that. It
> *does*.
>
> He may be taking some of this anger out on his daughter -- not
> *intentionally*, mind you...but that may be just where it's going. He is
> now the primary sole caregiver of a 5 year old child who has lost her
> mother. He probably doesn't know which way to turn...he has to raise her,
> still make a living and just manage to survive day to day.
>
> He doesn't need your advice --- what he needs is your *help*. Do you have
> other friends around? Offer to take his daughter for an afternoon so he
can
> have some time to himself. Have friends make meals -- ones that can be
> frozen are especially good, so that after a long day at work, he can just
> pop something into the oven. Have one friend babysit while you take him
to
> a movie, or just go for a walk. Do laundry for him. Offer to take his
car
> to have the oil changed, or to be washed and vacuumed. Pick up the dry
> cleaning. Offer to go grocery shopping for him. Run the vacuum around
the
> house...or mow the lawn. You get the idea.
>
> Don't ask him what he thinks he needs -- he probably doesn't *know* (gods
> know *I* don't). Listen to him, let him cry. Don't tell him to 'be
> strong'. Don't tell him that he's young and he'll find someone new to
love
> someday. A wife is not like an old car to be replaced when it breaks
down.
>
> Help him take care of his emotional health and he will be better equipped
to
> take care of his child.
>
> Leah
> ______
> In Memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
> Beloved Husband, Father, Heart's Companion
>
>

I am very sorry to hear of your loss, Leah.

Stephanie

[Astromum]

Leah Adezio wrote:

> (gods know *I* don't).

*I* think you need a big hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Leah and kids}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You are in my thoughts Leah!

--
-- Ilse
mom to Olaf (07/15/2002)
TTC #2
"What's the use of brains if you are a girl?"
Aletta Jacobs, first Dutch woman to receive a PhD

[Cathy Kearns]

Leah, thank you. I have been faced with friends with similar tragedies and
I stood there, paralyzed, not knowing how to help. It must have been
hard to answer this, but it was something we needed to know. Thank
you.

"Leah Adezio" > wrote in message
...
>
> "John~Dole" > wrote in message
> om...
> > I have a friend that lost his wife of 4 years. She was pregnant with
> > their second child and dies from heart problems.
> >
> > My friend is now a single parent and only 28 years old. His first
> > child is 5 years old.
>
> My sympathies for his loss. My husband died suddenly on May 21st from
> cardiac arrest. He was 41 and we have 2 children, so what I'm going to
tell
> you is from experience.
> >
> > It has been hard on the child, she is very shy and I cant imagine how
> > hard it is for a guy to raise a daughter alone.
> >
> > I am noticing a trend and dont know wht to say. Lately my friend is
> > losing his patience. He is getting mad at the 5 year old quickly and
> > raises his voice. I agree that parents should be strict, but this is
> > all the time I see them at the same time.
> >
> > How do I tell my friend that she is only a child and he should try to
> > calm down without jepodizing our friendship?
>
> He is grieving. He is experiencing a myriad of emotions -- sadness,
feeling
> lost, numbness, denial...and *anger*....possibly all at the same time. He
> has not only lost his wife at much too young an age, but he has also lost
a
> child. In this respect, he has lost aspirations and dreams of the future
he
> had planned to have with his wife as they grew and grew old together as
well
> as his future hopes and dreams for his unborn child.
>
> Right now, his life, to be blunt, sucks. And it's okay to admit that. It
> *does*.
>
> He may be taking some of this anger out on his daughter -- not
> *intentionally*, mind you...but that may be just where it's going. He is
> now the primary sole caregiver of a 5 year old child who has lost her
> mother. He probably doesn't know which way to turn...he has to raise her,
> still make a living and just manage to survive day to day.
>
> He doesn't need your advice --- what he needs is your *help*. Do you have
> other friends around? Offer to take his daughter for an afternoon so he
can
> have some time to himself. Have friends make meals -- ones that can be
> frozen are especially good, so that after a long day at work, he can just
> pop something into the oven. Have one friend babysit while you take him
to
> a movie, or just go for a walk. Do laundry for him. Offer to take his
car
> to have the oil changed, or to be washed and vacuumed. Pick up the dry
> cleaning. Offer to go grocery shopping for him. Run the vacuum around
the
> house...or mow the lawn. You get the idea.
>
> Don't ask him what he thinks he needs -- he probably doesn't *know* (gods
> know *I* don't). Listen to him, let him cry. Don't tell him to 'be
> strong'. Don't tell him that he's young and he'll find someone new to
love
> someday. A wife is not like an old car to be replaced when it breaks
down.
>
> Help him take care of his emotional health and he will be better equipped
to
> take care of his child.
>
> Leah
> ______
> In Memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
> Beloved Husband, Father, Heart's Companion
>
>

[Donna Metler]

For anyone in this situation-or any other major loss-check for grief support
groups. I wouldn't have survived the death of my son without the support
group available through the Women's hospital locally. There are also
specialized groups for children as well. The hospital here is having a day
camp specifically for children who have lost a parent or a sibling and need
extra support and a chance to grieve safely.

[Leah Adezio]

"Donna Metler" > wrote in message
...
> For anyone in this situation-or any other major loss-check for grief
support
> groups. I wouldn't have survived the death of my son without the support
> group available through the Women's hospital locally. There are also
> specialized groups for children as well. The hospital here is having a day
> camp specifically for children who have lost a parent or a sibling and
need
> extra support and a chance to grieve safely.

Local Hospices are also an excellent resource for programs as well...and
they often have programming of their own for both grieving children *and*
their parent(s) (because it's not always the death of a parent the child is
facing). You don't have to have used Hospice to utilize their bereavment
programs, either.

To the OP -- you might want to gently steer your friend to
www.youngwidow.org -- it's a site for young widows *and* widowers with
message boards tailored to specific issues, including a board for young
widowed parents. It's been a great outlet for me right now, since most of
the local support groups for widows and widowers (around where I live, at
least) seem to be mainly populated with people in their 60's and above...and
they're at a completely different stage in their lives than I am and their
issues are very different from mine. I can empathize with their loss, but I
can't *relate* to someone who is in their 70's and got 45 years with their
spouse and whose children are grown and things like that.

Leah
______
In Memory of David, 11/10/61 - 5/21/03
Beloved Husband, Father, Heart's Companion

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