Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)

[gaanji]

Hi all,

I'm hoping somebody out there can help. I'm quite upset right
now--just spent the past hour and a half crying--and I don't know how
to handle this situation.

Briefly (I'll try, anyway), my two best friends, who are reiki
practitioners, will be in the delivery room with me to help alleviate
pain and speed up the birth. I consider them "doulas plus".

One of them (who has never had kids and doesn't plan to and is rather
clueless about the whole pregnancy process not to mention birthing
process) is treating this as some sort of bizarre party. She has been
talking about being "in charge of the CD player"and bringing her
camera. I told her I'm not sure I can have music in the hospital
birthing room and I also haven't yet decided if I WANT music. The
concept of a camera upset me greatly, so I told her in no uncertain
terms "NO camera please". She became greatly offended. I thanked her
for abiding by my wishes, but she's still peeved.

Yesterday I told my mother about the whole camera issue, which was the
first time I told my mother that my friends would be in the birthing
room. She didn't seem offended, but when I spoke to her today she said
she had been crying all night (and she started crying again).
Apparently she's offended that other people would be in the birthing
room besides her and DH. (Last I had heard, she didn't WANT to be in
the birthing room but apparently now, she says, she had planned on
it.) (Note that all of this could be caused by the fact that she has
never liked my two best friends--a jealousy thing.) I explained that
they would be there for medical purposes, but she's too upset to
listen to me right now.

So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some
sort of party? And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM?
This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a
safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I
have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the
stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take
care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't
think it's unreasonable at this point.

Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for
a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but
that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because
"exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you
want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller?

As always, thanks in advance...

gaanji
Mum to Spud, EDD 10/30

[Carol Ann]

<snip>

:: Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town
:: for a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I
:: feel, but that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone,
:: because "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what
:: you want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller?
:: Beuller?

Invite your mother to your baby's birth. Explain to her that you thought
she didn't want to attend and that you, of course, would want her there.

Tell your camera toting doula plus that you didn't mean to offend her; you
are just uncomfortable with the idea of having it filmed.

If they both continue to act emotionally, my recommendation is to ask them
why they are so upset so that you can address the issue.

That's what I'd do. They seem to care about you and want to share your
experience. I think you are the issue. They are just not handling the
situation well.

For you mother...do what you know is right.


Carol Ann
www.lowcarblosers.com ~ Home of the Monthly Challenges!
www.bestinatlanta.com ~ Your City Guide to Metro Atlanta!

[April]

From personal BAD experience with mostly my stupid in laws (now out of our
lives) and my mom? PLEASE be BLUNT with your wishes and BE FIRM. Do not be
afraid to stand up for what YOU the mom wants. They are all acting childish
and selfish. Hey, I had to kick my mom out during my labour as *she*
couldn't handle seeing me in pain......she understood and thanked me later.
Family and close friends can ruin your moment if you let them. Trust me I
know.

--
April
Proud mom of Julianna 11/28/99
Baby Bean due 3/23/04
"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever
to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone
My Site www.breastfeedingmatters.com

"gaanji" > wrote in message
om...
> Hi all,
>
> I'm hoping somebody out there can help. I'm quite upset right
> now--just spent the past hour and a half crying--and I don't know how
> to handle this situation.
>
> Briefly (I'll try, anyway), my two best friends, who are reiki
> practitioners, will be in the delivery room with me to help alleviate
> pain and speed up the birth. I consider them "doulas plus".
>
> One of them (who has never had kids and doesn't plan to and is rather
> clueless about the whole pregnancy process not to mention birthing
> process) is treating this as some sort of bizarre party. She has been
> talking about being "in charge of the CD player"and bringing her
> camera. I told her I'm not sure I can have music in the hospital
> birthing room and I also haven't yet decided if I WANT music. The
> concept of a camera upset me greatly, so I told her in no uncertain
> terms "NO camera please". She became greatly offended. I thanked her
> for abiding by my wishes, but she's still peeved.
>
> Yesterday I told my mother about the whole camera issue, which was the
> first time I told my mother that my friends would be in the birthing
> room. She didn't seem offended, but when I spoke to her today she said
> she had been crying all night (and she started crying again).
> Apparently she's offended that other people would be in the birthing
> room besides her and DH. (Last I had heard, she didn't WANT to be in
> the birthing room but apparently now, she says, she had planned on
> it.) (Note that all of this could be caused by the fact that she has
> never liked my two best friends--a jealousy thing.) I explained that
> they would be there for medical purposes, but she's too upset to
> listen to me right now.
>
> So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some
> sort of party? And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM?
> This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a
> safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I
> have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the
> stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take
> care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't
> think it's unreasonable at this point.
>
> Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for
> a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but
> that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because
> "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you
> want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller?
>
> As always, thanks in advance...
>
> gaanji
> Mum to Spud, EDD 10/30

[Ericka Kammerer]

gaanji wrote:


> So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some
> sort of party?


Because they don't know any better, though a little
common sense ought to keep them out of the worst of it.

> And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM?


Probably because they're not sure what they can
do for you.


> This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a
> safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I
> have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the
> stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take
> care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't
> think it's unreasonable at this point.
>
> Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for
> a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but
> that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because
> "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you
> want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller?


Ignore it. Nothing you can say at this point will
make much of a difference. But have your husband and your
support staff prepped so that at a word or sign from you,
they will run anyone who's more of a liability than an
asset out of the room so you can do what you need to do.
Meanwhile, stop talking about precisely what you will do.
Just say that it's a new experience for you and you can't
predict how things will go, but you know you'll need to
be able to focus. Therefore, while you hope to have
everyone share the experience with you, you reserve the
right to do whatever you feel you need to do in order to
cope with the process--whether that means having additional
people there or booting everyone out of the room. Tell
them you understand how much they're looking forward to
it, but it's hard work and you have to do what you have to
do at the moment.

Good luck,
Ericka

[Coccinella]

"April" > wrote in message
...
> Family and close friends can ruin your moment if you let them. Trust me I
> know.
>
That is SOOOO true!
> --
> April
> Proud mom of Julianna 11/28/99
> Baby Bean due 3/23/04

WOW my EDD is 03/26/04 (Baby Fagiolino -little bean in Italian)

Love

Nicky

[Hope]

On 6 Sep 2003 10:08:18 -0700, (gaanji) wrote:

>So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some
>sort of party? And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM?
>This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a
>safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I
>have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the
>stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take
>care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't
>think it's unreasonable at this point.
>
>Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for
>a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but
>that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because
>"exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you
>want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller?

This really is one time where you *need* to tell people what you want,
and yes, tough if it's not also what they want (at this point, what
you want should BE what they want, and if it isn't, they're mising the
point.

Use this opportunity to practice demanding (ok asking nicely for) what
you want- because when you're in labour in the hospital, you'll need
to be able to do that. You may as well practice on loved ones who you
know mean well, because you may have to stand up to eye-rolling nurses
and OBs before you're through.

Hope

--
Riley 1993 c/s
Tara 2002 HBAC
proudly distributing Mayawrap Baby Slings Down Under
http://www.babyslings-australia.com

[Linz]

On 6 Sep 2003 10:08:18 -0700, (gaanji) wrote:

>Hi all,
>
>I'm hoping somebody out there can help. I'm quite upset right
>now--just spent the past hour and a half crying--and I don't know how
>to handle this situation.

Okay, how about printing this out and giving it to your mother and
your friend, saying something like "I know this means a lot to you,
but it means a lot to me too, and this is why"?

It's not easy.
--
EDD 1/11/03
32 weeks

[Daye]

On 6 Sep 2003 10:08:18 -0700, (gaanji) wrote:

>Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for
>a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but
>that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because
>"exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you
>want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller?

I agree with your DH. It is your birth experience. If they don't
like it, it is their problem. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what
you want. If they can't go along with it, tell them then they are not
welcome at the birth. Plain and simple...

I refused to deal with all of this. The only person who has ever been
invited to my births (besides medical staff) is my DH. Period. End
of story. Someone (can't remember who now) mentioned that they could
wait to see my DD born, and I commented that they would not be there
to see it. I then went on to explain that the only person I wanted
there was DH.

That is who I want at this birth. DH is used to me and my moods. He
will not take offense to anything that I do or say. I can't say that
about anyone else. Less stress for me to just have DH there.

--
Daye
Momma to Jayan
"Boy" EDD 11 Jan 2004
See Jayan: http://jayan.topcities.com/

[gaanji]

Hi all--thanks for all your words of encouragement and your concern.
You really helped me through a rough patch.

Here's an update:

The latest is that I went a second round with my mother later that
day, but on the other side of it she did manage to (kind of) explain
herself. Apparently (near as I can figure out) she thought of the
birthing room as something like intensive care--only two visitors at
any given time or what have you. I explained the details of the
birthing room and told her this wasn't a "her or them" situation and
she is welcome for as long as she wants to stick it out (she said she
wants to be there right up to the gory part, as she considers that
highly private). I think I got through to her; we'll see.

As for my friends--I had an epiphany (while vacuuming my car--nesting
is a beautiful thing) about what was upsetting me. It's that (to their
credit, because they are so enthusiastic about this) this entire time
they have been making plans WITHOUT me--from the guest list for my
shower to the type of reiki they will be doing, to this latest round
of ridiculous camera-and-music plans. So I realized that I need to
take charge of the situation--sit them down and say "this is how it's
going to be". It worked when I said "woah" to the shower guest
list--they had never thought to ASK me and they apologized and we
worked on the list together. I'm sure we can do the same in this
situation. I will be seeing them tomorrow (Tuesday) and will do it
then, as I share my birth plan with them, since they are my doulas as
well, after all.

I think this will work; I HOPE it will work. Any other thoughts, by
all means, please post 'em!

Thanks again!

gaanji
Mum to Spud, EDD 10/30