Attachment - maybe OT

[Zaz]

Today is Guillaume's 11th day. I am not overly concerned so much as
intrigued by what is going on between him and his father. You see, I
remember it took me a few days to get attached to Mlle C after her birth; I
was utterly exhausted and had nothing left to give. After about three days
or so, I finally was able to feel for her and to want to hold her and cuddle
her. So when DH mentionned to me that he's having troubles getting attached
to his son, I could relate.

However, it's been over 10 days, and he says he still doesn't feel much for
him. He doesn't feel anything negative (except some annoyance at times), but
not much positive either. I know these things can take time, but it went so
fast between DH and Mlle C that I must admit worry a little bit that he
might miss the boat on his son. My father was like that with my brother;
they never developed any kind of affectionate relationship. And still today,
right or wrong, my brother feels he's been his father's greatest failure in
life. DH says he knows he'll grow to love and cherish his son, which lessens
my concerns, but...

Has anyone experienced these feelings for such a period of time? How's it
going now?

Thanks!


--
Isabelle
Mlle C 2004-11-27
Guillaume 2006-06-13

[Nina Pretty Ballerina]

"Zaz" > wrote in message
.. .
> Today is Guillaume's 11th day. I am not overly concerned so much as
> intrigued by what is going on between him and his father. You see, I
> remember it took me a few days to get attached to Mlle C after her birth;
> I was utterly exhausted and had nothing left to give. After about three
> days or so, I finally was able to feel for her and to want to hold her and
> cuddle her. So when DH mentionned to me that he's having troubles getting
> attached to his son, I could relate.
>
> However, it's been over 10 days, and he says he still doesn't feel much
> for him. He doesn't feel anything negative (except some annoyance at
> times), but not much positive either. I know these things can take time,
> but it went so fast between DH and Mlle C that I must admit worry a little
> bit that he might miss the boat on his son. My father was like that with
> my brother; they never developed any kind of affectionate relationship.
> And still today, right or wrong, my brother feels he's been his father's
> greatest failure in life. DH says he knows he'll grow to love and cherish
> his son, which lessens my concerns, but...
>
> Has anyone experienced these feelings for such a period of time? How's it
> going now?
>
> Thanks!
>
>
> --
> Isabelle
> Mlle C 2004-11-27
> Guillaume 2006-06-13
>
>
>

my DH was a bit like that with ds2 , but he didnt really realise it until
ds2 was a bit older, say 3 months? and they bonded then. dont know what
changed it. I think it was just the busy/tired factor, and i was spending
all the time (necessarily) with ds2.

Well bonded now, 3 years later.

glad you are not worrying, i am sure it will sort itself out, especially if
nobody is worried. I always reckon babies get a bit easier when they smile
after the 6 week ish sort of mark

chris

[Jennifer Massey-Howe]

its not much to worry about at this point. My DH wasn't attatched to either
of his kids. My DD was the hardest for him to get attatched too. it took
him til she was around 6 months old to get him to do anything with her.
After that he has been the greatest father to her. Now with DS he has been
great. he has done everything. So I hope that continues.

Jennifer
Ariana 8/17/03
Alex 6/4/05

"Zaz" > wrote in message
.. .
> Today is Guillaume's 11th day. I am not overly concerned so much as
> intrigued by what is going on between him and his father. You see, I
> remember it took me a few days to get attached to Mlle C after her birth;
> I was utterly exhausted and had nothing left to give. After about three
> days or so, I finally was able to feel for her and to want to hold her and
> cuddle her. So when DH mentionned to me that he's having troubles getting
> attached to his son, I could relate.
>
> However, it's been over 10 days, and he says he still doesn't feel much
> for him. He doesn't feel anything negative (except some annoyance at
> times), but not much positive either. I know these things can take time,
> but it went so fast between DH and Mlle C that I must admit worry a little
> bit that he might miss the boat on his son. My father was like that with
> my brother; they never developed any kind of affectionate relationship.
> And still today, right or wrong, my brother feels he's been his father's
> greatest failure in life. DH says he knows he'll grow to love and cherish
> his son, which lessens my concerns, but...
>
> Has anyone experienced these feelings for such a period of time? How's it
> going now?
>
> Thanks!
>
>
> --
> Isabelle
> Mlle C 2004-11-27
> Guillaume 2006-06-13
>
>
>

[alath]

I don't believe in the concept of "critical periods" - the idea that
after a certain time, it's too late to bond. People whose babies are in
the NICU for months bond to them. People bond to kids they adopt as
teenagers.

Also it is common for fathers to be ambivalent longer than mothers. The
pressures of other kids, work, etc., can also delay the onset of warm
fuzzies. I don't think I really "fell in love" with my son until a few
weeks had passed. Part of that was that my wife was with him all the
time initially and I didn't have much time alone with him until later.

I really would not be worrying about this at this time based on your
description. Give it some time.

[[email protected]]

wrote:
> Zaz wrote:
>
> > Has anyone experienced these feelings for such a period of time? How's it
> > going now?
>
>
> I'd say it took DH a good 5 months, and once Micah started walking and
> being more interactive it got even better. And to be honest, it took
> *me* much longer than I expected as well!! From the beginning both DH
> and I admitted that we both *loved* Micah, that we'd do anything for
> him -- but he was such a difficult baby that it took longer for us to
> *like* him.

That's exactly what I wanted to say. With weeks of constant crying
(colic), not sleeping, bf'ing problems and everything else it did take
both of us a good while to really 'feel' like and love. Although we
would have protected him to the ends of the earth and were grateful for
him everyday. Dp suffered more because for quite a while ds was pretty
ratty by the time he got home so he didn't get much good stuff. Now
they flap their arms and beam at each other when they see each other
and dp wouldn't be without his 'Wibbles'.

Jeni

[Jamie Clark]

Zaz wrote:
> Today is Guillaume's 11th day. I am not overly concerned so much as
> intrigued by what is going on between him and his father. You see, I
> remember it took me a few days to get attached to Mlle C after her
> birth; I was utterly exhausted and had nothing left to give. After
> about three days or so, I finally was able to feel for her and to
> want to hold her and cuddle her. So when DH mentionned to me that
> he's having troubles getting attached to his son, I could relate.
>
> However, it's been over 10 days, and he says he still doesn't feel
> much for him. He doesn't feel anything negative (except some
> annoyance at times), but not much positive either. I know these
> things can take time, but it went so fast between DH and Mlle C that
> I must admit worry a little bit that he might miss the boat on his
> son. My father was like that with my brother; they never developed
> any kind of affectionate relationship. And still today, right or
> wrong, my brother feels he's been his father's greatest failure in
> life. DH says he knows he'll grow to love and cherish his son, which
> lessens my concerns, but...
> Has anyone experienced these feelings for such a period of time?
> How's it going now?
>
> Thanks!

Well, my gut reaction would be this -- it doesn't matter how he FEELS, but
how he acts. If he is holding your son, bathing, changing diapers, etc, in
a loving way, regardless of how he feels, then he is being a good father,
and Guilliame will likely never know that Daddy wasn't head over heals at
first sight. And, the more that Daddy holds baby, the more that baby will
bond with Daddy, and eventually, the feelings will come.

But, if he is staying away, not helping out, or handling the baby in a not
loving way, in a brusk or standoffish way, then the baby will pick up on
that, and not like to be held by, or around Daddy. And then it's a viscious
circle/loop.

So, if he's being a good daddy and cooing and making faces, even if he
doesn't feel the love at this point, I wouldn't worry about it. I'd give
him lots of positive reinforcement to keep doing it. Something about seeing
the baby light up when you hold him makes it hard to not start to fall in
love!

I had similar issues with Addie as a baby -- I just didn't feel the same
instant love that I did for Taylor. But she has certainly grown on me!

--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03
Addison Grace, 9/30/04

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