Re: social diner

[Clisby Williams]

Mary wrote:

>my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
>eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
>socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
>His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
>to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
>hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
>varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
>during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
>Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
>for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
>unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
>own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
>send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
>pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
>of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
>else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
>cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
>This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
>restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
>has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.
>
>

I know this is frustrating, because my older child is a picky eater.
However, I think
you have 2 different issues here. One is what happens at home, one is
what happens
at friend's houses/restaurants.

For example - I wouldn't let him have his birthday at Chuck E Cheese if
he wasn't
prepared to eat what was available. I wouldn't send special food
to a friend's house. Our rule is - you can eat it, or you can leave it.
You can't
complain about it. (The formal rule is: "There are two appropriate
comments
to make about food someone else has prepared for you. (a) Boy, this is
good. (b) Nothing.)

Clisby

[Lauren]

Hi Mary

I am afraid I don't have any magical solutions for you. I know that when I
was younger I was an extremely fussy eater (still am, but not as bad!). I
didn't begin to grow out of it until my teens. My mother had brought me up
with the line 'eat what you want and leave the rest' which I always
appreciated as a child. Going round to friends houses was always a problem
though, and friends mothers who knew I was a fussy eater would try and
accommodate - beans on toast was always a safe bet (although they often
failed at this too by giving me wholemeal toast and I only liked white
bread!). My mother never gave me packed lunches or anything though so when I
was given something else, I would try to eat something.

Sometimes the peer pressure thing would kick in and I would eat a little of
whatever was on my plate and looked like the lesser of two evils, but often
I would push it around. I did often feel guilty of hardly eating anything
that someone had cooked for me, especially when the mother expressed concern
as to me going hungry.

My guess would be to accommodate his eating habits at home without comment
and to stop sending the pack lunches to friends houses. That way if he likes
the social aspect and his family aren't present he is more likely to make an
effort - he might go hungry to begin with, and then when the friends
parent's show concern for him not eating start being guilted into trying a
little - I may be wrong, but I think most children want friends parents to
approve of them so that they can come back again! If no comments are being
made at home and he likes something he tried at a friends house, then maybe
he will feel able to mention it at home without feeling like he is 'losing'
the battle over his eating habits.

Good luck.


"Mary" > wrote in message
om...
> my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
> eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
> socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
> His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
> to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
> hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
> varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
> during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
> Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
> for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
> unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
> own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
> send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
> pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
> of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
> else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
> cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
> This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
> restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
> has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

[Beth Kevles]

Hi -

This sounds like a behavioral issue that has gotten out of hand. I'd do
the following:

1. If he has tantrums because he's not getting what he wants to eat,
tell him that tantrums will mean he has to eat at home.
2. If he wants to eat BEFORE or AFTER the meal (at home) then he may,
but he may NOT bring other food with him. It's rude.
3. If he doesn't like the food that's offered, he may politely say "no
thank you" and socialize without eating.

Talk these things over with him at a quiet time, about how it's rude to
bring other food, rude to complain about food, but perfectly fine to not
eat what's offered if you don't like it.

DOn't tackle the issue of what he likes and dislikes or his limited
diet. That comes with time (or doesn't) and shouldn't be confused with
the issue of behavior with other people.

And don't fret about him missing meals when necessary. He won't starve.

Just my two cents,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

[Naomi Pardue]

>Any advise is appreciated.
>

I'd be a hardliner here. There is no reason on earth for any child to live
exclusively on chicken nuggets and hot dogs. (And about a million reasons --
nutrition being the most important, that he should NOT be living exclusively on
chicken nuggets and hot dogs).
The solution is that the kid needs to start eating other foods. At meals, you
put other foods in front of the child. If he eats them, he gets a meal. If
not, he goes hungry. End of problem. (And yes, you give him enough options at
each meal that there is bound to be SOMETHING he will enjoy if he gives it half
a chance. You don't demand that he clean his plate of liver and onions,
brocolli and brussels sprouts 3 times a day.)


Naomi
CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator

(either remove spamblock or change address to to e-mail
reply.)

[dragonlady]

In article >,
(Mary) wrote:

> my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
> eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
> socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
> His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
> to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
> hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
> varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
> during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
> Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
> for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
> unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
> own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
> send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
> pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
> of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
> else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
> cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
> This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
> restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
> has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

I would stop catering to his food desires; he won't starve to death,
though he might get awfully hungry.

I would not feed him hot dogs and chicken nuggets for every meal. He's
old enough to be somewhat rational: I'd talk to him about it, set a
data, and tell him that after that date, his available meals will
consist of whatever was being prepared for everyone else, and he has two
choices: eat it or go hungry. I would also not pay any attention
(officially . . .) to whether or not he was eating, but would send him
away from the table if he started to throw a tantrum about what was
available. Don't comment about his eating, don't beg him or order him
to eat, just put food in front of him and let him eat or not eat.
Otherwise, you end up turning it into a major power struggle, and he
gets invested in proving that he doesn't have to eat. If you don't
offer any sort of comments on him NOT eating, he can eat when he wants
to without loss of face.

And I would do my best to teach him that meals out of the house (whether
restaurants or friend's houses) are primarily social functions, and NOT
about the food, and if he doesn't want to eat he doesn't have to -- but
he must NOT be unpleasant.

While his fussiness about food is not uncommon, I would consider this
level of catering to it a bit over the top. Eventually, kids will eat
what's available once they understand that they have no choice.

I know I grew up poor and in a large family, so the issues were somewhat
different; my family literally could not afford to have calories go to
waste. The phrase I remember when I was complaining that I didn't like
the (whatever) that was on my plate was, "If you aren't hungry enough to
eat it, then you must not be that hungry." We were never offered
anything else to eat instead.


meh

Tonight's Menu:

1 - Take It
2 - Leave It
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Sue]

I honestly don't have any advice for your daughter, except maybe to not give
in to his hot dog wishes and instead put food in front of him and if he eats
it, great, if he doesn't, well he won't go too long without eating, imo. I
think I would be as nonchalant about it as I could. I also have the must try
one bite rule at my house.

I can say that it is very frustrating to cater to kids who are picky eaters.
My girls will eat just about anything (given one or two things that each
child doesn't eat). However, when their friends come over, I literally go
out of my mind in trying to find snacks and drinks that these kids will eat.
The biggest frustration for me is that my girls don't drink anything but
water and milk and their friends won't drink milk, won't drink water, so
half the time I end up making Kool-aid so that they will drink something.
Ordering pizza for our daughter's B-day party was humorous. My husband, who
is used to our girls eating anything, didn't think to order the pizza's in a
variety of ways. He ordered them with mushrooms and pepperoni. Just about
all of the kids pulled stuff off of their pizza, except our girls.

Hang in there. Maybe if your daughter doesn't give in and tries to make him
try something else, he may end up liking a variety of foods.
--
Sue
mom to three girls

Mary > wrote in message
om...
> my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
> eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
> socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
> His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
> to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
> hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
> varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
> during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
> Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
> for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
> unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
> own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
> send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
> pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
> of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
> else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
> cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
> This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
> restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
> has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

[Lynne M.]

(Mary) wrote in message >...
> my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
> eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
> socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
> His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
> to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
> hot dogs with him. We try our best to get him to try other food
> varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
> during the entire dinner hour. He insisted on having his birthday at
> Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
> for his lunch. It is frustrating to go anywhere. I know he is not
> unique. Should my daughter make him be responsible for packing his
> own lunch if he is unwilling to step out and try other foods, or just
> send him to these function without a packed lunch and maybe
> pierpressure will take effect. Most of the time I know kids grow out
> of this, but it is such a traumatic event to get him to try anything
> else. My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
> cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
> This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
> restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
> has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

I'd like to agree with Lauren, plus suggest that you not permit
him to schedule birthday parties at places where they don't even
serve one of his two favorite foods! Sorry, but I think that's
ridiculous. He is old enough to be told in a gentle voice that
we won't be going there because they don't have hot dogs. (There
is no way the management would accommodate an adult who behaved
like that.) If he doesn't like it, no birthday party. There is
no need to make a fuss, just a quiet acknowledgment of *his* rules.
Like Lauren, I'd accommodate him at home but not anywhere else.
He can start learning to fix his own chicken strips if he hasn't
eaten at friends' homes.

I'd also suggest *not* trying to get him to try
other foods because it must be very tension-producing. Just
fix the blasted things at home and don't say anything. If he
happens to be interested in getting attention by refusing to
eat anything else, he'll have to learn to get it some other
way when he realizes that his family loves him but isn't interested
in talking about his eating anymore. This is battle you don't have
to fight (well, hardly at all). I know it's hard for you to
watch him eat so oddly, but I suspect that the more you all
push to try to get him to try something new, the more stubborn
he'll be. If you practice calm indifference, he might come around
faster. Good luck---

Lynne

[Vicki]

I would stop buying hotdogs and chicken nuggets and not talk about food
again--he can choose from what is served or go hungry. Sounds like you have
an eating disorder in the making (already made?) if you are having these
kind of battles over food. Read up on eating disorders. If your grandson
does not eat once you stop with the junk, take him to a specialist as you
may need professional help. Good luck.

Mary wrote
> my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
> eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets.

[==Daye==]

On 10 Jul 2003 05:39:35 -0700, (Mary) wrote:

>my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
>eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets.

This wouldn't fly in my house. It didn't fly in my mother's
house either. Her attitude and mine is that a kid will eat when
it gets hungry.

Quite frankly, I would fix meals as per normal, and give the
child a selection of foods. If he didn't eat, he would go
hungry. When he was hungry enough, he would eat what was
offered.

I was a picky eater as a child. My mother would cater to it to a
certain degree. She knew that I would eat most meats, and I
would eat potatoes. So most dinners were meat, potatoes and
other veggies. However, if she made something that I didn't want
to eat, I either ate what was there or I went without. I never
starved. I never felt abused. I just knew that my mother was
not a short order cook.

Is your daughter happy to play short order cook???

--
==Daye==
E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au

[==Daye==]

On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 12:15:22 -0500, Nan >
wrote:

>Personally, I wouldn't pack a lunch for him so that he could go to
>other peoples' houses at dinner time. I'd find that quite rude if I
>were the one cooking, unless it was strictly a matter of food
>allergies.

I agree. Food allergies are something you accomodate in any way
you can. However, if it was just the child being picky, I would
be VERY offended if the child brought his own food to my house
every time he came over.

--
==Daye==
E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au

[==Daye==]

On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 16:52:56 GMT, dragonlady
> wrote:

>Tonight's Menu:
>
>1 - Take It
>2 - Leave It

LOVE this!!!! It was my mother's motto!!

I am glad that I don't have issues with food with my DD.
Granted, she is only 2. They may still come.

--
==Daye==
E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au

[Lauren]

"Vicki" > wrote in message
...
> I would stop buying hotdogs and chicken nuggets and not talk about food
> again--he can choose from what is served or go hungry.

Whilst I agree that only eating chicken nuggets and hotdogs is not a healthy
diet, I do think this is an exceptional case as it has continued through to
this age. It wasn't mentioned whether or not the grandson *ever* ate
anything else or what kind of drinks he liked or since what age this has
been taking place. I got the impression that this hotdog and chicken nugget
diet has been catered to for some time and would be concerned that suddenly
adopting an approach of 'take it or leave it' would manifest itself in other
behavioural problems. Whilst it might work for very young children growing
up and still learning eating habits and rules of the house etc. I am not
sure it would be the best course of action here.

IMHO, I think it unlikely that an eight year old whose diet has been
tolerated this long would understand such a sudden change of rules. It may
work fine, but depending on the history of how the eating habit developed
and the relationships within the family, it is also possible that he may
start acting out in other ways even if it did solve his eating problems.
Worst case scenario - he fights battle of wills and goes hungry for a little
while and starts creating other problems at school or with siblings,
rebelling against other family members, or maybe just feels angry and
rejected and bottles it all up to explode later in life. Obviously, the
acting out wouldn't (for the most part) be about the food, so much as the
sudden change of rules. Don't wish to make a mountain out of a molehill
here - I did say worse case scenario, but it seems to have been accepted to
such a point so far, that I would be surprised if an eight year old would
understand why it would suddenly change and may instead construe it as a
punishment or rejection rather than the necessary social (and dietary)
adjustment it is intended to be.

If you want to try the 'take it or leave it' approach maybe you can edge
other food into his diet on a 'you have to try what we are eating before you
can have your hotdogs' basis, he might still not understand, but it is
closer to a compromise. Maybe you could also give a little leaway on this
method by letting him choose (within reason) what the family has that day or
maybe even get him involved in the cooking of it! As I said in previous
post, I think a good start would be stopping the pack lunches - maybe using
the method Beth suggested. It seems to be a difficult situation - good luck!

[Joni Rathbun]

On Fri, 11 Jul 2003, ==Daye== wrote:

> On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 12:15:22 -0500, Nan >
> wrote:
>
> >Personally, I wouldn't pack a lunch for him so that he could go to
> >other peoples' houses at dinner time. I'd find that quite rude if I
> >were the one cooking, unless it was strictly a matter of food
> >allergies.
>
> I agree. Food allergies are something you accomodate in any way
> you can. However, if it was just the child being picky, I would
> be VERY offended if the child brought his own food to my house
> every time he came over.
>

I can't see anything to be offended about. I'd just peg him for a
spoiled kid, roll my eyes and go on with life. Tho I might be
tempted to tell him there was a hot dog ban in effect at our
house....

[dragonlady]

In article >,
Joni Rathbun > wrote:

> On Fri, 11 Jul 2003, ==Daye== wrote:
>
> > On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 12:15:22 -0500, Nan >
> > wrote:
> >
> > >Personally, I wouldn't pack a lunch for him so that he could go to
> > >other peoples' houses at dinner time. I'd find that quite rude if I
> > >were the one cooking, unless it was strictly a matter of food
> > >allergies.
> >
> > I agree. Food allergies are something you accomodate in any way
> > you can. However, if it was just the child being picky, I would
> > be VERY offended if the child brought his own food to my house
> > every time he came over.
> >
>
> I can't see anything to be offended about. I'd just peg him for a
> spoiled kid, roll my eyes and go on with life. Tho I might be
> tempted to tell him there was a hot dog ban in effect at our
> house....
>
>
>
>
>

"Offended" might be too strong; I'm not even sure I could get up the
energy to be insulted. But I undoubtedly wouldn't invite him over for
dinner again!

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[Naomi Pardue]

>I'd also suggest *not* trying to get him to try
>other foods because it must be very tension-producing. Just
>fix the blasted things at home and don't say anything.

And it's NOT tension producing to have to prepare a separate meal for the kid
every day?
It's NOT tension producing to have to worry about vitamin deficiencies,
skyrocketing sodium levels, and raging malnutrition?
>If he
>happens to be interested in getting attention by refusing to
>eat anything else, he'll have to learn to get it some other
>way when he realizes that his family loves him but isn't interested
>in talking about his eating anymore.

Right, you don't talk about it by offering him other foods and ignoring his
tantrums if he throws them when he realizes that dinner tonite is pork chops,
baked potatoes and brocolli rather than chicken nuggets.


Naomi
CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator

(either remove spamblock or change address to to e-mail
reply.)

[Vicki]

> "Vicki" wrote
> > I would stop buying hotdogs and chicken nuggets and not talk about food
> > again--he can choose from what is served or go hungry.
>
Lauren wrote
> IMHO, I think it unlikely that an eight year old whose diet has been
> tolerated this long would understand such a sudden change of rules. It may
> work fine, but depending on the history of how the eating habit developed
> and the relationships within the family, it is also possible that he may
> start acting out in other ways even if it did solve his eating problems.
> Worst case scenario - he fights battle of wills and goes hungry for a
little
> while and starts creating other problems at school or with siblings,
> rebelling against other family members, or maybe just feels angry and
> rejected and bottles it all up to explode later in life.

Perhaps. I'd rather have open rebellion where the conflict is in the open
than have my child battling wills with food. But I see friends who've
nearly died from their eating disorders struggling not to pass the
disorders on to their kids, and get to see firsthand food as the focus of
conflict.

> If you want to try the 'take it or leave it' approach maybe you can edge
> other food into his diet on a 'you have to try what we are eating before
you
> can have your hotdogs' basis, he might still not understand, but it is
> closer to a compromise.

I'd think the less talk about food the better. You don't want to bribe
someone to eat something (eat some brocolli and then you get your hotdog,)
as that gets into the whole food as power paradym.

In any case, if the kid starts starving himself b/c of the obsession with
two foods, then professional help is in order, better sooner than later.
Food seems to be a big issue for this family. I'd be concerned giving a
child that much control via food.

[Joni Rathbun]

On Thu, 10 Jul 2003, Nan wrote:

> On Fri, 11 Jul 2003 11:12:17 +1000, ==Daye== >
> wrote:
>
> >On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 18:16:18 -0700, Joni Rathbun
> > wrote:
> >
> >>I can't see anything to be offended about. I'd just peg him for a
> >>spoiled kid, roll my eyes and go on with life. Tho I might be
> >>tempted to tell him there was a hot dog ban in effect at our
> >>house....
> >
> >Maybe offended isn't the right word, but I would be annoyed at
> >the lack of manners on both the child and the parent's part.
>
> Yep, and that child likely wouldn't be a dinner guest in my home
> again.
>

That I can agree with tho I'd tell him what was up.

[Stephanie and Tim]

"==Daye==" > wrote in message
...
> On Thu, 10 Jul 2003 16:52:56 GMT, dragonlady
> > wrote:
>
> >Tonight's Menu:
> >
> >1 - Take It
> >2 - Leave It
>
> LOVE this!!!! It was my mother's motto!!
>
> I am glad that I don't have issues with food with my DD.
> Granted, she is only 2. They may still come.
>
> --
> ==Daye==
> E-mail: brendana AT labyrinth DOT net DOT au

IMO (with next to nothing to bakc it up) if you don't have it by 2, you're
not going to.

S

[Naomi Pardue]

>Perhaps. I'd rather have open rebellion where the conflict is in the open
>than have my child battling wills with food.

Exactly. There is clearly something else going on here. Either this is a child
with some sort of underlying developmental disorder which is showing itself,
primarily, in his eating behaviors, or some sort of emotional problem, or a
'battle of wills' which the kid has been winning for years.
And it needs to be dealt with, not ignored by simply feeding the child hot dogs
and chicken strips at every meal in the hopes that he will eventually outgrow
it/get tired of playing.




Naomi
CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator

(either remove spamblock or change address to to e-mail
reply.)

[Lynne M.]

(Naomi Pardue) wrote in message >...
> >I'd also suggest *not* trying to get him to try
> >other foods because it must be very tension-producing. Just
> >fix the blasted things at home and don't say anything.
>
> And it's NOT tension producing to have to prepare a separate meal for the kid
> every day?
> It's NOT tension producing to have to worry about vitamin deficiencies,
> skyrocketing sodium levels, and raging malnutrition?

Well, I happen to agree with you, but you have to start somewhere!
To me, the idea that a child would insist on a party at a restaurant
that doesn't even serve the few foods he does eat -- and that his family
would agree to it -- is a signal that the eating dynamics in this
family have gone completely off the track. I'm guessing that this
eating accommodation has grown step-by-step to the point where, as
the OP said, it's interfering with everything they try to do. I
think he's old enough to begin to understand that the wider world
isn't going to rearrange itself to see that he gets hot dogs and
chicken fingers. I also wonder if his socializing is being helped or
hurt by him being the weird kid with hot dogs in his bag at the
party. If he had real food allergies, it would be a different
picture entirely. It's *possible* that this is an attention-getting
device and he's exceptionally stubborn and has gotten the whole
family jumping, but it's also possible that he and his family
might need professional help -- *if* ordinary refusals to keep
up this system precipitate a crisis. I guess I'd start by refusing
to pack food for outings and just eating at ordinary places, then
only cooking the special foods a few times a week -- gradually backing
out like that -- and refusing to discuss or plead.

Lynne

[Bev Brandt]

(Naomi Pardue) wrote in message >...
> >Is your daughter happy to play short order cook???
> >
>
> That's a very good question. How exactly did this child get to be such a
> limited eater?

Boy, this sure could have happened with my oldest. (He'll be 8 in
Sept.) I think he's very lucky to have been in situations where he
could not be picky. Heh...he would probably disagree about the "lucky"
part.

He was in full time daycare and is the oldest of 3 children. He's been
a picky eater since *birth*! But when he was about 2.5 - when his
pickiness started really kicking in - I had my daughter and didn't
have the time, energy or desire to give in to his food control issues.
When he was 5, I had my youngest boy and had even less time/desire to
give in.

Perhaps if my oldest had been an only child or if his daycare
arrangements or providers had been different, he would have ended up
as a single-food-eater. (His daycare providers didn't buy the into
picky stuff too much. They provided well-rounded meals and no
pressure. But if you didn't eat what was set before you...oh well.) I
know many - too many - times I would fix him whatever his food of
choice was for days and days, just so I didn't have to hear it.

But in the long run, I thought that it was better if he was a little
hungry now and again than to feed him only what he desired - and he
went through a chicken nugget and hot dog stage as well.

> While some kids may certainly be picky eaters, this goes far beyond 'normal'
> childhood pickiness.

I agree. Plus I think in my oldest's case the food issues are not
really normal kid pickiness, but issues of control. My oldest has
other control issues, thus my theory. He gets really picky during
times of stress for him - starting school or summer camp, a change in
routine, etc.

During those times the other kids can't even *look* into his room, his
bike has to be put in the basement just *so,* and suddenly, foods he
once adored aren't eaten. I have to walk a middle ground between
adding to his stress by insisting he eat what everyone else is eating
and giving in and letting him eat cheese for a week.

To the OP - in my case, I try to fix meals in which there is at least
one dish I know my picky eater likes. So he might make a "meal" of
green beans for example, while the rest of us are having roast,
potatoes AND green beans. If we're having something really off the
wall for kids - like spicy Asian food - I'll offer an alternative.

I don't know how all of this will work if you start it at age 8. But
even my control freak picky son seems to understand when rules change
in the household. He may not like it, but he understands it.

- Bev

[H Schinske]

>On Fri, 11 Jul 2003 07:01:27 -0400, "Stephanie and Tim"
> wrote:
>
>>> I am glad that I don't have issues with food with my DD.
>>> Granted, she is only 2. They may still come.

I wouldn't say I had *issues* with my kids over food. But certainly my
two-year-olds would eat a number of things that they won't today (at almost
nine). They still eat quite a variety, more than a lot of kids their age, but
honest to Pete, they used to eat stuff like kale that I didn't think any kid
would like.

--Helen

[Chookie]

In article >,
(Mary) wrote:

> my daughter and two grandsons live with us. My oldest grandson (8)
> eats only hotdogs and chicken nuggets. The problems lies in
> socializing him with other groups of kids due to his eating habits.
> His mother cannot send him anywhere without packing a lunch, he went
> to eat with another family that was eating spagetti and he took his
> hot dogs with him.

I'll agree with everyone else who said sending food with him was wrong. He
has three choices: (a) eat what everyone else is eating, (b) eat nothing, or
(c) not go at all.

> We try our best to get him to try other food
> varieties that most kids eat, but he makes a big production and cries
> during the entire dinner hour.

I wouldn't make any fuss about the food he eats or doesn't, as I'm a big
proponenet of benign neglect in this are. But if he did throw a tantrum, I
would say, "We don't need that behaviour at the table. Go to your room."

> He insisted on having his birthday at
> Chuck E Cheese and the manager went out to get him a hot dog and fries
> for his lunch. <snip>

Now this is where it starts to get screwy. Why exactly did he *want* it in
the first place? And as he obviously didn't pay for it, why did he *get* it?

He is well past the age of toddler fussiness, and what he is now doing is
*defining himself* as a "fussy eater". I met a ten-year-old recently who did
this -- I offered him something and he told me proudly that he was a fussy
eater! The question is: why is he using this method to mark himself off as
an individual? Answer that, and you can work out a plan of action from there.

> My daughter and other son eat most everything and she has to
> cook special for the oldest. The frustration level is getting high.
> This eating behavior is getting old. It is even hard going to a
> restaurant because you are always trying to make sure the restaurant
> has chicken strips on the menu. Any advise is appreciated.

Frankly, I wouldn't even consider going to a restaurant until you were sure of
his behaviour, because public embarrassment will be even more frustrating than
dealing with his tantrums at home.

I think you have a couple of areas to take action in.

1. A private chat with your daughter on how to handle this.
2. Working out what he gets out of this behaviour, and how you could switch
it to something else.
3. Refusing to do any more short-order cooking.
4. Teaching him to shop, cook and eat well.

Good luck.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"...children should continue to be breastfed... for up to two years of age
or beyond." -- Innocenti Declaration, Florence, 1 August 1990

[dragonlady]

In article <oA7Qa.1562$Bd5.1304@fed1read01>,
"Inspiringmind" > wrote:

> I have to agree with what most everyone has said here. I have two boys (6
> and 5) and my 5 year old will eat anything I give to him. My oldest used to
> like certain things but doesn't like them now, he mostly will eat vegetables
> over meat. Both of them actually eat veggies like broccoli, cauliflower and
> carrots. I am actually kind of amazed at that.
>
> This child seems to be taking the food issue way to far. I have the same
> rules many of the others have: try it one time, one bite, if you don't like
> eat something else I made with the meal and if you don't like what I made to
> eat they go hungry. Usually though I don't have to worry about it thought
> cause I make some kind of meat and veggies and they eat one thing or
> another. Or they cave in and just eat.
>
> My youngest does have a habit of eating something about 2/3 or 3/4th of the
> way through and then saying he is done only to say he is hungry again a few
> hours later or less. Still trying to figure that one out!
>

When my oldest was that age, I found I had to insist that she stay at
the dinner table for 20 minutes. She didn't have to be eating, just
sitting with us. Most of the time, she'd eat enough -- but we found
that if we let her leave when she said she was full, she'd be back to
eat more within an hour or so. I think she just wanted to get down and
play -- especially in the summer when she could be outside. Explaining
that dinner time with the family was important, so even if she wasn't
hungry she could sit and keep the rest of us company while WE ate,
seemed to do the trick, without getting focused on the food itself.

meh
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

[toto]

On Sun, 13 Jul 2003 00:09:42 -0700, "Inspiringmind"
> wrote:

>My youngest does have a habit of eating something about 2/3 or 3/4th of the
>way through and then saying he is done only to say he is hungry again a few
>hours later or less. Still trying to figure that one out!

Perhaps his stomach is smaller than average. Humans did not actually
evolve to eat huge quantities at a meal and then go without for long
periods. Originally, humans foraged all day and ate a little at a
time. Perhaps your younger child needs to graze instead of to eat
larger meals.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits