How I put an end to the rude pregnancy comments

[Leslie]

Just had to share this with those of you who've been reading the rude comments
thread . . .

I write a column on life issues every other month for our Catholic Disocesan
newspaper. This month one of my main points was how people often greet the
news of a pregnancy with rude or unsupportive comments. I then said that if
you waited to tell these same people until you had a baby in your arms, of
course they would love the baby and have happy things to say to you. Which is
hypocritical, if a baby is a baby, no matter how small (to paraphrase Dr.
Seuss).

Anyway, after Mass on Sunday, several people came up to say they enjoyed my
column and agreed with me about the comments, which they had had to put up with
themselves back when they were having kids. And several people congratulated
me on my pregnancy, which I also announced in that column. They all had such
nice things to say: "That's wonderful!" "I'm so happy for you!"

There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart remark to me
now. :-)

Leslie

[Rebecca McGraw]

Leslie,
I would love to read that...does your paper have a web site which links
to the article?
-Rebecca

Leslie wrote:
> Just had to share this with those of you who've been reading the rude comments
> thread . . .
>
> I write a column on life issues every other month for our Catholic Disocesan
> newspaper. This month one of my main points was how people often greet the
> news of a pregnancy with rude or unsupportive comments. I then said that if
> you waited to tell these same people until you had a baby in your arms, of
> course they would love the baby and have happy things to say to you. Which is
> hypocritical, if a baby is a baby, no matter how small (to paraphrase Dr.
> Seuss).
>
> Anyway, after Mass on Sunday, several people came up to say they enjoyed my
> column and agreed with me about the comments, which they had had to put up with
> themselves back when they were having kids. And several people congratulated
> me on my pregnancy, which I also announced in that column. They all had such
> nice things to say: "That's wonderful!" "I'm so happy for you!"
>
> There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart remark to me
> now. :-)
>
> Leslie

[Ilse Witch]

On Wed, 09 Jun 2004 03:19:28 +0000, Leslie wrote:

> There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart remark to me
> now. :-)

LOL!!! That's a GOOD one Leslie! Now you've only got to write a column for
the Lutherans, Epsicopalians, Methodists, Calvinists, Amish, Baptists,
Mormons, Greek Orthodox, Muslims, Jews.... :-D ;)

--
-- I
mommy to DS (July '02)
mommy to three tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04 & 20 May'04)
guardian of DH (33)

[Em]

"Leslie" > wrote in message
<snip>
> There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart
remark to me
> now. :-)

You rock, Leslie! That is very cool. Do certain sisters and other family
members of yours get this newspaper?

--
Em
mama to L-baby, 8.5 months old!

[Karen]

> There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart remark to me
> now. :-)
>
> Leslie

\o/
Good for you!!!

[Leslie]

Rebecca said:

>Leslie,
>I would love to read that...does your paper have a web site which links
>to the article?

It does, but I don't have web access right now to find the link . . . I could
email it to you if you like. Just send me your address.

Leslie

[Leslie]

Ilse said:

>Now you've only got to write a column for
>the Lutherans, Epsicopalians, Methodists, Calvinists, Amish, Baptists,
>Mormons, Greek Orthodox, Muslims, Jews.... :-D ;)

LOL! Lucky for me my social circle is almost enitrely composed either of
people I go to church with or the alternative crunchy people in my AP group
who think babies are wonderful. :-)

Leslie

[Leslie]

Em said:

>You rock, Leslie! That is very cool. Do certain sisters and other family
>members of yours get this newspaper?

They certainly do! None of them have said anything about this article yet. ;-)

Leslie

[Leslie]

Karen said:


>\o/
>Good for you!!!

:-)

Leslie

[Wendy Pearson]

Good for you for saying something and hopefully pointing out to people
who are too ignorant to know any better that rude comments to pregnant
women aren't necessary. No one should feel so self-righteous that they
need to make any untoward comment about a woman's pregnancy. I would
love to read what you wrote!
Wendy

[MomToN]

I wish I could do some such thing... Regarding my second pregnancy, I
knew that people would not be so excited. I told just 3 of my close
friends and my sis. While my sis's reaction was just fine, my friends
were literally scolding me. "why did you do this?" as though I
committed a big crime. It didn't do any good that this was an
unplanned pregnancy too.

But after initial "shock" most of them were nice and were discussing
about pros of having babies close together... phew!

What you said is right! A baby is a baby no matter what size. My
friend told me that I am brave to go ahead and not do d&c which would
have been 'okay' since it is so early.

(Leslie) wrote in message >...
> Just had to share this with those of you who've been reading the rude comments
> thread . . .
>
> I write a column on life issues every other month for our Catholic Disocesan
> newspaper. This month one of my main points was how people often greet the
> news of a pregnancy with rude or unsupportive comments. I then said that if
> you waited to tell these same people until you had a baby in your arms, of
> course they would love the baby and have happy things to say to you. Which is
> hypocritical, if a baby is a baby, no matter how small (to paraphrase Dr.
> Seuss).
>
> Anyway, after Mass on Sunday, several people came up to say they enjoyed my
> column and agreed with me about the comments, which they had had to put up with
> themselves back when they were having kids. And several people congratulated
> me on my pregnancy, which I also announced in that column. They all had such
> nice things to say: "That's wonderful!" "I'm so happy for you!"
>
> There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart remark to me
> now. :-)
>
> Leslie

[Amy]

Good for you :-) I was talking to a lady who was pg at 42 with a 12 year old
and an 8 year old, and upon seeing her incredibly rude & unprofessional OB,
his first words were, "Silly girl, what did you go and do that for?" :-O
My friend just had her second c-section, and a nurse heard her saying she
wanted more children, and this woman commented, "Well I hope with the next
one you get your tubes tied at the same time". My friend comes from a large
Catholic family, and always wanted 4-5 children.
2-3 is my personal limit, but I don't see why some people feel the need to
comment on other people's reproductive choices. My friend may have chosen to
have 10 kids, but 4-5 is what they feel they can financially support, so I
don't think it's anyone else's business.

"Leslie" > wrote in message
...
> Just had to share this with those of you who've been reading the rude
comments
> thread . . .
>
> I write a column on life issues every other month for our Catholic
Disocesan
> newspaper. This month one of my main points was how people often greet
the
> news of a pregnancy with rude or unsupportive comments. I then said that
if
> you waited to tell these same people until you had a baby in your arms, of
> course they would love the baby and have happy things to say to you.
Which is
> hypocritical, if a baby is a baby, no matter how small (to paraphrase Dr.
> Seuss).
>
> Anyway, after Mass on Sunday, several people came up to say they enjoyed
my
> column and agreed with me about the comments, which they had had to put up
with
> themselves back when they were having kids. And several people
congratulated
> me on my pregnancy, which I also announced in that column. They all had
such
> nice things to say: "That's wonderful!" "I'm so happy for you!"
>
> There isn't a Catholic in Knoxville who will dare to make a smart remark
to me
> now. :-)
>
> Leslie

[Rebecca McGraw]

Leslie, you said that you'd email me the article, but I'm having trouble
with my home email (the address I gave you). Can you send it to a yahoo
address? It's

I'm looking forward to reading it! Thanks!
-Rebecca

[Ilse Witch]

On Wed, 09 Jun 2004 19:27:21 +0000, Leslie wrote:

> or the alternative crunchy people in my AP group
> who think babies are wonderful. :-)

Well, IMO they are absolutely right! I'm glad you are in such a well
supported environment, I dearly miss that, being away from home...

--
-- I
mommy to DS (July '02)
mommy to three tiny angels (28 Oct'03, 17 Feb'04 & 20 May'04)
guardian of DH (33)

[Leslie]

> I would
>love to read what you wrote!

Wendy,

I will be happy to email it to you if you want. Just send me your address.

Leslie

[Leslie]

>. Can you send it to a yahoo
>address?

Rebecca,

It's done!

Leslie

[Leslie]

>
>I wish I could do some such thing... Regarding my second pregnancy, I
>knew that people would not be so excited. I told just 3 of my close
>friends and my sis. While my sis's reaction was just fine, my friends
>were literally scolding me. "why did you do this?" as though I
>committed a big crime. It didn't do any good that this was an
>unplanned pregnancy too.

I am so sorry. Believe me, I know just how you feel. No one was happy for me
about being pregnant this time except my one sister. When we announced the
news the response was just pathetic.

>
>But after initial "shock" most of them were nice and were discussing
>about pros of having babies close together... phew!

That's good. I am finding that people are being nicer to me now that they have
gotten used to the idea.

>
>What you said is right! A baby is a baby no matter what size. My
>friend told me that I am brave to go ahead and not do d&c which would
>have been 'okay' since it is so early.

And I'm sure you don't feel brave, you're just doing what you have to do. What
I like to remember is that you're never going to regret having a baby once you
have it! And all those naysayers are going to love it too!

Leslie

[Leslie]

Amy said:

> My friend comes from a large
>Catholic family, and always wanted 4-5 children.

I come from a small Catholic family (only three kids). But I always wanted a
lot--I used to say I would have ten.

>2-3 is my personal limit, but I don't see why some people feel the need to
>comment on other people's reproductive choices.

But everyone certainly seems to!

>My friend may have chosen to
>have 10 kids, but 4-5 is what they feel they can financially support, so I
>don't think it's anyone else's business.

I know people are mostly just trying to make conversation, but you can't help
but feel that their underlying feelings are popping up in those conversations.

Leslie

[MomToN]

I certainly don't feel brave. And as you said, I am doing just what I
am supposed to do. Today I had a visit to my OB and she was supportive
of all what I said/wanted, even VBAC. I am just becoming happier and
happier about this pregnancy as days go by. I had trouble conceiving
my DD#1. I waited almost 8 months before I had a positive HPT. Now I
am so glad that I got lucky with this one. It is like an unexpected
pleasant surprise for me!

Now I am just prepared for unkind comments and though I will not
retort, I know why I should just ignore the comments.


(Leslie) wrote in message >...
> >
> >I wish I could do some such thing... Regarding my second pregnancy, I
> >knew that people would not be so excited. I told just 3 of my close
> >friends and my sis. While my sis's reaction was just fine, my friends
> >were literally scolding me. "why did you do this?" as though I
> >committed a big crime. It didn't do any good that this was an
> >unplanned pregnancy too.
>
> I am so sorry. Believe me, I know just how you feel. No one was happy for me
> about being pregnant this time except my one sister. When we announced the
> news the response was just pathetic.
>
> >
> >But after initial "shock" most of them were nice and were discussing
> >about pros of having babies close together... phew!
>
> That's good. I am finding that people are being nicer to me now that they have
> gotten used to the idea.
>
> >
> >What you said is right! A baby is a baby no matter what size. My
> >friend told me that I am brave to go ahead and not do d&c which would
> >have been 'okay' since it is so early.
>
> And I'm sure you don't feel brave, you're just doing what you have to do. What
> I like to remember is that you're never going to regret having a baby once you
> have it! And all those naysayers are going to love it too!
>
> Leslie

[Leslie]

>I certainly don't feel brave. And as you said, I am doing just what I
>am supposed to do. Today I had a visit to my OB and she was supportive
>of all what I said/wanted, even VBAC.

That is wonderful news! Yay!

I am just becoming happier and
>happier about this pregnancy as days go by. I had trouble conceiving
>my DD#1. I waited almost 8 months before I had a positive HPT. Now I
>am so glad that I got lucky with this one. It is like an unexpected
>pleasant surprise for me!

I am so glad that you are feeling better about it all now.

>
>Now I am just prepared for unkind comments and though I will not
>retort, I know why I should just ignore the comments.

By all means retort, if it will make you feel better!

Leslie

[Kara H]

So, Leslie. I know your sister said many hurtful things right around the
time of the wedding (sorry if I am reopening an already healed wound) and we
attempted to attribute it to the hussle and bustle of the wedding. Has she
made any comments since or even acknowledged the fact that she might have
hurt you? I was baffled that she would say such things and not even attempt
to apologize. She seemed to not even know that it hurt you. Anyway, I was
just wondering if she conveniently chose to ignore it or if anything has
come of it.

-Kara.

[Leslie]

Kara asked:

>So, Leslie. I know your sister said many hurtful things right around the
>time of the wedding (sorry if I am reopening an already healed wound) and we
>attempted to attribute it to the hussle and bustle of the wedding. Has she
>made any comments since or even acknowledged the fact that she might have
>hurt you? I was baffled that she would say such things and not even attempt
>to apologize. She seemed to not even know that it hurt you. Anyway, I was
>just wondering if she conveniently chose to ignore it or if anything has
>come of it.

We have talked/emailed about it. I attempted to explain why and how much her
comments hurt me, but she basically thinks I am overreacting. She's sorry that
she hurt my feelings, she's sorry that she brought the whole thing up in the
first place, but I don't think that she believes she was wrong.

She called me a few weeks ago and upset me all over again my saying a lot of
various negative things that I won't go into, because she says she is no longer
going to keep quiet about things that upset her--she thinks that she sometimes
just "has to say something" about certain topics, mostly about my children, my
husband, and my pregnancy. I believe I've posted about some of this here and
perhaps on mkb, and the general consensus has been that no, she really doesn't
HAVE to say anything and most of the things she feels a need to comment about
are really not her business. So I've been glad to hear that others believe
that she oversteps her bounds when she criticizes the amount of attention my
kids receive, etc.

I don't know, Kara, I just hope she has her own kids soon so that she can
realize that having a degree in Psychology and experience working with kids as
an LCSW isn't going to make her an instant childrearing expert when it comes to
having her own kids!

I did finally tell my mother all of this and she was very sympathetic and
thought it was awful too, and has been much nicer and less critical herself
lately to try to make up for it all.

Thanks for asking! :-)

Leslie

[Kara H]

"Leslie" > wrote:

> We have talked/emailed about it. I attempted to explain why and how much
her
> comments hurt me, but she basically thinks I am overreacting. She's sorry
that
> she hurt my feelings, she's sorry that she brought the whole thing up in
the
> first place, but I don't think that she believes she was wrong.

Ugggh! Those kind of apologies really mess with your mind. Do you accept it
as an apology and be grateful that she even says she was sorry? Or do take
her apology to mean nothing because she's saying it just to appease you and
not because she is truly sorry? I understand about being sorry she hurt your
feelings, and you can't make her change her opinion on anything, but if she
still thinks that the actual act of expressing her opinions in that manner
is okay, then there is a problem. See, you might disagree with her on
certain things that are very important to her, but if you DO express YOUR
opinion, you do it in a respectful way, right? I'm not so sure she
understands this concept.

> She called me a few weeks ago and upset me all over again my saying a lot
of
> various negative things that I won't go into, because she says she is no
longer
> going to keep quiet about things that upset her--she thinks that she
sometimes
> just "has to say something" about certain topics, mostly about my
children, my
> husband, and my pregnancy. I believe I've posted about some of this here
and
> perhaps on mkb, and the general consensus has been that no, she really
doesn't
> HAVE to say anything and most of the things she feels a need to comment
about
> are really not her business. So I've been glad to hear that others
believe
> that she oversteps her bounds when she criticizes the amount of attention
my
> kids receive, etc.

Yep. That confirms moreso that she thinks that being entitled to your own
opinion means you can disrespect other people in the process. NOT okay. I
know many, many people who think this same way and I just think about how
hard of a time they are going to have when they get into the corporate
world, etc. Fine, your sister can have her opinions. Fine, she can speak up
about her opinions. What is NOT okay is her way of doing so which completely
walks all over you, your family and your beliefs.

> I don't know, Kara, I just hope she has her own kids soon so that she can
> realize that having a degree in Psychology and experience working with
kids as
> an LCSW isn't going to make her an instant childrearing expert when it
comes to
> having her own kids!

I sure hope she gets a bit of a wake-up call when she has her own children.
And if she doesn't, I feel very sorry for her future children. :(

> I did finally tell my mother all of this and she was very sympathetic and
> thought it was awful too, and has been much nicer and less critical
herself
> lately to try to make up for it all.

Oh that is SO good to hear, Leslie. It looks like between your mom and your
other sister, you have a fairly nice support group. I know that your mom has
said/done some hurtful things (IIRC) but it is very good to know that she
has realized her mistakes and is attempting to make them better. Hopefully
when said sister realizes that the whole family is generally supportive of
you, she will realize how awful she looks.

This might be WAY off, Leslie. But do you think that she is only forming
these opinions because her FRIENDS seem to have them? It seemed like she
assumed her friends had a negative attitude about BF at the pre-wedding
events so she decided she would too. Has she had these opinions for a long
time? I'd hope she weren't so shallow that she can't form her own beliefs
but maybe you'll never know?

-Kara.

> Thanks for asking! :-)
>
> Leslie

[Leslie]

Kara saidL

>Ugggh! Those kind of apologies really mess with your mind. Do you accept it
>as an apology and be grateful that she even says she was sorry? Or do take
>her apology to mean nothing because she's saying it just to appease you and
>not because she is truly sorry?

I do believe she is sorry she hurt my feelings, and I know she is sorry that
she mentioned it and started the whole fight.

I understand about being sorry she hurt your
>feelings, and you can't make her change her opinion on anything, but if she
>still thinks that the actual act of expressing her opinions in that manner
>is okay, then there is a problem.

This is and will be a continuing problem, because she DOES seem to believe she
has a right to express her opinions to me about things I really just think are
none of her business.

See, you might disagree with her on
>certain things that are very important to her, but if you DO express YOUR
>opinion, you do it in a respectful way, right? I'm not so sure she
>understands this concept.

Believe me, I have bitten my tongue many times about things, because she hasn't
ASKED for my opinion. She thinks I say what I think all the time because I AM
a very opinionated person. But I stay quiet a lot when it comes to her.

>
>> She called me a few weeks ago and upset me all over again my saying a lot
>of
>> various negative things that I won't go into, because she says she is no
>longer
>> going to keep quiet about things that upset her--she thinks that she
>sometimes
>> just "has to say something" about certain topics, mostly about my
>children, my
>> husband, and my pregnancy. I believe I've posted about some of this here
>and
>> perhaps on mkb, and the general consensus has been that no, she really
>doesn't
>> HAVE to say anything and most of the things she feels a need to comment
>about
>> are really not her business. So I've been glad to hear that others
>believe
>> that she oversteps her bounds when she criticizes the amount of attention
>my
>> kids receive, etc.
>
>Yep. That confirms moreso that she thinks that being entitled to your own
>opinion means you can disrespect other people in the process. NOT okay. I
>know many, many people who think this same way and I just think about how
>hard of a time they are going to have when they get into the corporate
>world, etc. Fine, your sister can have her opinions. Fine, she can speak up
>about her opinions. What is NOT okay is her way of doing so which completely
>walks all over you, your family and your beliefs.


I don't think she does this to anyone but family members. That is where she
seems to think she has special rights. I am hoping that once she has a family
of her own she will realize that it isn't really an outsider's place to judge,
family member or not.

>
<<snip>>

> I did finally tell my mother all of this and she was very sympathetic and
>> thought it was awful too, and has been much nicer and less critical
>herself
>> lately to try to make up for it all.
>
>Oh that is SO good to hear, Leslie. It looks like between your mom and your
>other sister, you have a fairly nice support group. I know that your mom has
>said/done some hurtful things (IIRC) but it is very good to know that she
>has realized her mistakes and is attempting to make them better.

Yes, she is definitely trying to be nicer about the baby, but still driving me
crazy with her worrying.

Hopefully
>when said sister realizes that the whole family is generally supportive of
>you, she will realize how awful she looks.
>
>This might be WAY off, Leslie. But do you think that she is only forming
>these opinions because her FRIENDS seem to have them? It seemed like she
>assumed her friends had a negative attitude about BF at the pre-wedding
>events so she decided she would too. Has she had these opinions for a long
>time? I'd hope she weren't so shallow that she can't form her own beliefs
>but maybe you'll never know?

She CLAIMS that she believes me about the bf stuff. It's just that she worries
too much about what other people think. That's about EVERYTHING--not just bf.

Leslie

[Vicki S]

(Leslie) wrote:
> Believe me, I have bitten my tongue many times about things, because she hasn't
> ASKED for my opinion. She thinks I say what I think all the time because I AM
> a very opinionated person. But I stay quiet a lot when it comes to her.
> Leslie

Umm, maybe you should stop holding your tongue.

;-)

--
-- Vicki
Married DH May 21, 1995. Ima shel Stoic, born 11/16/99;
Whiny, born at home 5/19/02, and Expected, "due" September 4, 2004.

[Leslie]

Vicki said:

>Umm, maybe you should stop holding your tongue.
>

But that would be stooping to her level.

Leslie, virtuously