Postpartum depression

[Jill]

I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling GREAT
and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for me
to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.

Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and my
husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled, tense
and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all my
husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot better,
but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
etc.

Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along and
me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just floods
out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently that
he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making me
feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my hair
done etc. I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a bit.
I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and get
some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn all
the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
baby, being a frump.

My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....

But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my husband
and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make it
where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
only see what I resent.

I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as I
am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
into tears all of the time.

Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my problems
with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

[melizabeth]

{{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps get
a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
right now.

--
M~Elizabeth

To thine own self be true
"Jill" > wrote in message
. com...
> I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
> second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling
GREAT
> and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
> Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
> From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for
me
> to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.
>
> Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
> notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
> depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and
my
> husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled,
tense
> and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all
my
> husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot
better,
> but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
> me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
> etc.
>
> Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
> HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
> with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
> and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
> it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along
and
> me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just
floods
> out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
> husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
> horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
> but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
> this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently
that
> he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
> contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making
me
> feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
> me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
> affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
> about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my
hair
> done etc. I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
> pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a
bit.
> I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and
get
> some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
> instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn
all
> the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
> want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
> happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
> baby, being a frump.
>
> My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
> not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....
>
> But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
> problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
> is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
> make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my
husband
> and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
> eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make
it
> where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
> only see what I resent.
>
> I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as
I
> am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
> into tears all of the time.
>
> Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my
problems
> with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?
>
>

[JennP]

"Jill" > wrote in message
. com...

> Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my
problems
> with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

Maybe some of it is probably post partum blues (not necessarily depression)
but I think with your history of anxiety problems you should keep an eye on
it.

IIRC, there were some pretty serious issues going on with you and dh before
Rachel was born. Having a baby can tend to make those pre-existing problems
worse for a while. If you aren't already, I'd really look into some
counseling as a couple.
--
JennP.

mom to Matthew 10/11/00
EDD #2 10/24/04
remove "no........spam" to reply

[Jill]

"melizabeth" > wrote in message
...
> {{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps
get
> a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
> right now.
>

I'm really afraid counseling doesn't work (and costs money, which is part of
our arguing--budget)......the problems would be manageable but what is
bothering me isn't any particular problem, but how *I* feel and how I can't
control how I feel etc. I really resent my husband right now. I resent how
he is, how he doesn't try to fulfill my needs- I am NOT that needy, ALL I
need is a *little* affection...all the other stuff he does, being the
breadwinner, cooking and doing the housework and fixing things....I am
ungrateful of that, when what I need is affection, something as simple as a
kiss before he goes to work or when he comes home, or a hug without my
asking for it. I hug him and he doesn't hug me back sometimes, until I say
something to him and then, I don't want it! If I have to tell him/ask
him......forget it, jeez. It's the same when he asks me what is wrong with
me. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! You should know. He is not
a mindreader...but he KNOWS I used to repeatedly tell him to make me happy
with him he needs to be more affectionate. He wasn't like this at one time
but as the years go by he is turning into someone just like his father. I
didn't and wouldn't marry that man/personality!

I just cry all the time when I am not busy with the baby. The baby really
lights up my life, even at this needy stage of hers, nursing all the time,
demanding diaper changes, lol. But, that's not good---it shouldn't be that
the baby is all that's ok with me, is all that's making me happy. To me that
is a warning sign and I don't know if it is PPD.....if it just a temporary
road...or if I will end up getting fed up and trying to dig my way out of
this hole by separation....it feels more and more to me, like I should
SERIOUSLY think about what I can do, to take care of myself.

Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person, although
we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
baby, who deserves a family who is together.

?? This has been brewing a while, but for the past week I have really gotten
fed up, it's not as sudden as it seems. I am becoming fed up!

[CY]

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I don't think this is normal
PPD, I think this is your DH not being there for you. Like Jenn said,
babies tend to make existing marital problems worse and things are
especially hard in the first year, IMO. It's easy to blame yourself, but if
your DH can't be there emotionally for you, the other stuff he's doing
doesn't matter. I know exactly what you are feeling and I feel for you.
Your DD deserves an intact family and if you can get couples counselling,
sometimes it can really help. Does your DH's employer have some kind of
Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? I discovered that if we use our health
insurance for counselling it costs $200, but going through the EAP it's
free, in our case for 10 visits, so this might be worth looking into. Since
Rachel is so young, you could probably bring her along - in our case we have
to leave DD with someone (she's 2). I don't know if it will be helpful in
your case, but it's worth a try if it might help. Sometimes having an
unbiased 3rd person's opinion helps you see things a little more clearly.
But FWIW, I don't think it's you ;)
"Jill" > wrote in message
. com...
>
> "melizabeth" > wrote in message
> ...
> > {{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps
> get
> > a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
> > right now.
> >
>
> I'm really afraid counseling doesn't work (and costs money, which is part
of
> our arguing--budget)......the problems would be manageable but what is
> bothering me isn't any particular problem, but how *I* feel and how I
can't
> control how I feel etc. I really resent my husband right now. I resent how
> he is, how he doesn't try to fulfill my needs- I am NOT that needy, ALL I
> need is a *little* affection...all the other stuff he does, being the
> breadwinner, cooking and doing the housework and fixing things....I am
> ungrateful of that, when what I need is affection, something as simple as
a
> kiss before he goes to work or when he comes home, or a hug without my
> asking for it. I hug him and he doesn't hug me back sometimes, until I say
> something to him and then, I don't want it! If I have to tell him/ask
> him......forget it, jeez. It's the same when he asks me what is wrong with
> me. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! You should know. He is
not
> a mindreader...but he KNOWS I used to repeatedly tell him to make me happy
> with him he needs to be more affectionate. He wasn't like this at one time
> but as the years go by he is turning into someone just like his father. I
> didn't and wouldn't marry that man/personality!
>
> I just cry all the time when I am not busy with the baby. The baby really
> lights up my life, even at this needy stage of hers, nursing all the time,
> demanding diaper changes, lol. But, that's not good---it shouldn't be that
> the baby is all that's ok with me, is all that's making me happy. To me
that
> is a warning sign and I don't know if it is PPD.....if it just a temporary
> road...or if I will end up getting fed up and trying to dig my way out of
> this hole by separation....it feels more and more to me, like I should
> SERIOUSLY think about what I can do, to take care of myself.
>
> Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
> to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,
although
> we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
> one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
> little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
> wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
> me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
> baby, who deserves a family who is together.
>
> ?? This has been brewing a while, but for the past week I have really
gotten
> fed up, it's not as sudden as it seems. I am becoming fed up!
>
>

[Coccinella]

(((((Jill))))),
I am sorry to read that you are going through the baby blues. I definitely
agree with the other ladies and I would talk to your physician about it.
I never stopped the Paxils and I had the baby blues for a while (because of
my history I checked with my psychiatrist). Then, all of a sudden I started
being suicidal (when Alexandra was 7 weeks). I am so glad that my therapist
and DH were keeping an eye on me, because I don't usually talk when I am
suicidal. I am doing better now, but it is nice for me to know that my
psychiatrist keeps an eye on me.
This is probably the most wonderful time of your life, but also the most
stressful and tiring time. And everybody in times like this needs special
care. Here in CT they send to us a monthly newsletter with the progress of
your baby (what to expect that month) but there is also a very nice section
on being a new dad and how to be nice to your wife who has gone and keeps
going through so much. I am sure that your physician will tell you if there
are similar things where you live or he/she might talk to your DH about it.

Pampering vibes to you.

Love
--
Nicky

Proud mamma to Alexandra (03/22/2004)

[Tori M.]

I do not know if you go to church or not but our pastor is a WONDERFUL help
to us when we need someone to "interprit" each other. One thing that Jeff
was told by his father was always kiss your wife before you leave for work
because studies have shown that men that kiss their wives before they leave
the house have fewer accidents then men that dont;)

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/20/02
Anna or Xavier due 10/17/04
"Jill" > wrote in message
. com...
>
> "melizabeth" > wrote in message
> ...
> > {{Jill}} I am no expert, but I would talk to your physician and perhaps
> get
> > a referral for counseling. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate
> > right now.
> >
>
> I'm really afraid counseling doesn't work (and costs money, which is part
of
> our arguing--budget)......the problems would be manageable but what is
> bothering me isn't any particular problem, but how *I* feel and how I
can't
> control how I feel etc. I really resent my husband right now. I resent how
> he is, how he doesn't try to fulfill my needs- I am NOT that needy, ALL I
> need is a *little* affection...all the other stuff he does, being the
> breadwinner, cooking and doing the housework and fixing things....I am
> ungrateful of that, when what I need is affection, something as simple as
a
> kiss before he goes to work or when he comes home, or a hug without my
> asking for it. I hug him and he doesn't hug me back sometimes, until I say
> something to him and then, I don't want it! If I have to tell him/ask
> him......forget it, jeez. It's the same when he asks me what is wrong with
> me. If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you! You should know. He is
not
> a mindreader...but he KNOWS I used to repeatedly tell him to make me happy
> with him he needs to be more affectionate. He wasn't like this at one time
> but as the years go by he is turning into someone just like his father. I
> didn't and wouldn't marry that man/personality!
>
> I just cry all the time when I am not busy with the baby. The baby really
> lights up my life, even at this needy stage of hers, nursing all the time,
> demanding diaper changes, lol. But, that's not good---it shouldn't be that
> the baby is all that's ok with me, is all that's making me happy. To me
that
> is a warning sign and I don't know if it is PPD.....if it just a temporary
> road...or if I will end up getting fed up and trying to dig my way out of
> this hole by separation....it feels more and more to me, like I should
> SERIOUSLY think about what I can do, to take care of myself.
>
> Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
> to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,
although
> we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
> one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
> little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
> wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
> me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
> baby, who deserves a family who is together.
>
> ?? This has been brewing a while, but for the past week I have really
gotten
> fed up, it's not as sudden as it seems. I am becoming fed up!
>
>

[Leslie]

Jill said:


>I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
>second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling GREAT
>and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
>Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
>From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for me
>to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.

The very first thing I would do would be to see a doctor and either get back on
the Paxil or try something else for depression. PPD is so common and I think
it's way worth it to see how much of your feelings are due to that before you
do anything drastic!

>
>Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
>notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
>depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and my
>husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled, tense
>and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all my
>husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot better,
>but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
>me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
>etc.

It sounds like you are depending on your husband to meet all your emotional
needs (other than those the baby meets!). I'm not saying that he shouldn't be
meeting your needs, but maybe you would feel better if you get out of the house
more, see some friends, go to a moms' group, etc. It can be very depressing to
be sitting at home with a baby all day while your husband is at least out in
the world doing things and then have him not come home and pay attention to
you. It is like he is your whole world and you are so counting on him to come
home and provide you with adult interaction and that can put a lot of pressure
on him too.

>
>Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
>HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
>with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
>and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
>it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along and
>me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just floods
>out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
>husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
>horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
>but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
>this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently that
>he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
>contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making me
>feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
>me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
>affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
>about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my hair
>done etc.

All of these are issues that counseling can help with. Anybody with a child
who is thinking seriously of separating owes it to that child to seek
counseling before taking a step like that. If money is an issue, you can see
your clergyman (if you attend church) for free, or if there is a university in
your area you can go to the clinic where they train psychologists; that will
have a sliding fee scale. Even some private therapists will see patients on
reduced terms. I cannot urge you enough to try this! And I think you should
also consider seeing a therapist yourself to give you a real person to talk to
about all these issues.

I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
>pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a bit.
>I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and get
>some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
>instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn all
>the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
>want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
>happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
>baby, being a frump.

Well, of course, part of the whole adjustment to mommyhood and a big cause of
baby blues, for me anywat, is that you are NEVER EVER going to be back exactly
like you were. You ar a mother now, a new little person is depending on you
and you will always have that tie, and your relationship with your husband is
irrevocably changed as well. There's a grieving process you may go through for
the loss of that person, that relationship, that life, no matter how happy you
are with your baby. I go through it a little bit with every new baby, because
every baby means that my life and my family's life changes from what we were
used to.

That said, it doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself and make yourself
feel pretty, and of course you should be doing those things, and you need to
make your husband understand how much better it will make you feel if you do.
>
>My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
>not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....
>
>But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
>problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
>is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
>make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my husband
>and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
>eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make it
>where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
>only see what I resent.
>
>I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as I
>am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
>into tears all of the time.
>
>Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my problems
>with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

I think you do have issues with your husband that you should work out with
counseling, but I also think you very likely have PPD and should talk to your
doc.

HTH,

Leslie

[Donna]

"Jill" > wrote in message
. com...

> Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
> to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,
although
> we have a beautiful beautiful baby who was NOT a mistake at all. If I did
> one thing right, it's this precious baby. But if my husband can't give a
> little and if he can't be affectionate with me emotionally something is
> wrong and it makes me really think I can;t live with it. Meaning, it makes
> me think I may have to get out. This is so bad to say when I have a new
> baby, who deserves a family who is together.


Hi Jill!

My husband and I fell into a really tough marital patch right after the
birth of our elder child. I can't say for sure about him, but the "d" word
was floating across my brain every now and then during the first six months
of our daughter's life. After a while it got better.

I can't diagnose you with PPD, but perhaps you should be talking to your OB
about what you are feeling. It sounds to me that you might be having some
depression coupled with what are not uncommon post-baby marital problems.

FWIW, things between DH and I got a LOT better right around the 6 month
mark.

Donna

[Donna]

"Leslie" > wrote in message
...

Jill, I think Leslie has given you some absolutely wonderful advice.

Comments interspersed...

>
> The very first thing I would do would be to see a doctor and either get
back on
> the Paxil or try something else for depression. PPD is so common and I
think
> it's way worth it to see how much of your feelings are due to that before
you
> do anything drastic!

Absolutely. No one here can tell you whether you're experiencing PPD. Your
MD can.


> It sounds like you are depending on your husband to meet all your
emotional
> needs (other than those the baby meets!). I'm not saying that he
shouldn't be
> meeting your needs, but maybe you would feel better if you get out of the
house
> more, see some friends, go to a moms' group, etc. It can be very
depressing to
> be sitting at home with a baby all day while your husband is at least out
in
> the world doing things and then have him not come home and pay attention
to
> you. It is like he is your whole world and you are so counting on him to
come
> home and provide you with adult interaction and that can put a lot of
pressure
> on him too.

I'd totally forgotten this - Jill, when I was having such a dreadful time
emotionally after DD arrived, there *were* a few things that I could do that
helped, and Leslie put her finger on the biggest one. Get out of the house.
For me, Gymboree was a lifesaver. I went every day for the first four
months of DD's life, not becuase she got anything out of it, but because I
did. It was an excuse to get showered and dressed, and to hang out with
other brand new moms of newborns. We all looked exhausted and crappy, there
was always someone crying or nursing or changing the newborn, and there was
a discussion period at the beginning and end of each class where we got to
share our thoughts on the topic of the day (and realize that we were all
going through the same things).

See if you can find some kind of daily outlet to get out of the house. The
library. The Zoo. Gymboree. A mom's club (check with yourOB's office
orthe hospital). Something.



> All of these are issues that counseling can help with. Anybody with a
child
> who is thinking seriously of separating owes it to that child to seek
> counseling before taking a step like that. If money is an issue, you can
see
> your clergyman (if you attend church) for free, or if there is a
university in
> your area you can go to the clinic where they train psychologists; that
will
> have a sliding fee scale. Even some private therapists will see patients
on
> reduced terms. I cannot urge you enough to try this! And I think you
should
> also consider seeing a therapist yourself to give you a real person to
talk to
> about all these issues.

> I think you do have issues with your husband that you should work out with
> counseling, but I also think you very likely have PPD and should talk to
your
> doc.

Nothing to add here except that Leslie is right, imho.

Donna

[Ericka Kammerer]

Jill wrote:

> Is this PPD, someone please tell me this is something normal.......because
> to be honest I find myself wondering if I married the wrong person,

It's certainly too soon to come to that conclusion.
Having a newborn around tends to be a tumultuous time in
a relationship, even if it's generally positive. I wouldn't
make any *decisions* for a good while yet. On the other hand,
it seems you had significant problems *before* the birth (and
before the pregnancy), so it would seem unlikely to me that
it was all PPD. Babies don't tend to fix relationship
problems.

Best wishes,
Ericka

[Em]

"Leslie" > wrote in message
> Jill said:

> It sounds like you are depending on your husband to meet all your
emotional
> needs (other than those the baby meets!). I'm not saying that he
shouldn't be
> meeting your needs, but maybe you would feel better if you get out of
the house
> more, see some friends, go to a moms' group, etc. It can be very
depressing to
> be sitting at home with a baby all day while your husband is at least
out in
> the world doing things and then have him not come home and pay
attention to
> you. It is like he is your whole world and you are so counting on him
to come
> home and provide you with adult interaction and that can put a lot of
pressure
> on him too.

My DH and I have discussed before that I do tend to pin a lot of my
adult interaction needs on him--I wait to see him all day and if he gets
home and isn't in the same "talky" mood I'm in, I sometimes feel
irritated/ignored. I enjoy being home for the most part and actually
feel *better* when I don't go somewhere every day, but I do need to see
my best friend at least once a week or I start feeling like I have no
one to really talk to. My DH and I work very well together, have a "best
friends" type relationship, and do a good job taking care of each other,
but there is something about the close companionship of another female
that is irreplaceable.

Have you tried to find a LLL near you, Jill? I *adore* my LLL meetings.
They really help you realize that you are not alone. It is also nice to
be around all of the other nursing mamas & babies :-)

> I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
> >pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself
a bit.
> >I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly
and get
> >some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
> >instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and
drawn all
> >the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I
don't
> >want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
> >happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with
the
> >baby, being a frump.
<snip>

Like Leslie said, you will likely never return to feeing like you used
to. I used to get annoyed when people would say that motherhood changed
you--made you into a different person. I didn't want my personality to
change. Since having DS, I understand what they meant though. For me at
least, it is not so much that your personality changes (I'm basically
the same personality-wise), but your feelings about yourself and the
world change a lot--I feel more careworn or less carefree or something
now (not a different personality, but a sense of being weighted down and
less free than I used to be, which can make you feel unhappy sometimes).
My worries are bigger now, but my joys are bigger too.

When I go back into my old workplace (about once a month or so), I get a
surge of nostalgia and sadness of missing that person I used to be--at
those times I feel like I used to be happier, perkier. Then, I realize
that I'm not really very different as a person on my own, but that being
a mother brings with it so many more *feelings* than I used to have and
can make the world seem heavier. I think that my feeling that I used to
be happier, isn't really about being happier at all, since I was a huge
worrywart then and let myself be stressed out a lot of the time, it is
about missing the freedom that comes with only being yourself.

Hmm. I believe I'm rambling a bit and haven't quite said what I've meant
to. It is hard to explain in words.

Best wishes to you!

--
Em
mama to L-baby, almost 9 months old

[Jody Pellerin]

"Jill" > wrote in message >...
> I stopped Paxil as soon as I was able after having the baby, during the
> second week of breastfeeding and have had more energy and been feeling GREAT
> and calm etc. I wasn't on it for depression, was on it for panic attacks.
> Had been on it in the past for anxiety/stress but never actual depression.
> From the way I felt on it, I don't think it would be the best choice for me
> to deal with depression anyway if I DID need medication for depression.
>
> Anyway I HAD been feeling so great but am starting to have symptoms that I
> notice and that bother me. I am not sure if this could be postpartum
> depression starting up or what. Things are not going well between me and my
> husband and the constant feelings of being dissatisfied, unfulfilled, tense
> and stressed, unhappy etc are starting to get to me. Also, it is not all my
> husband's fault-there are times, sure, that he should be doing a lot better,
> but there are also times when he IS trying, and it just doesn;t satisfy
> me....I feel letdown, like things aren't good enough, he doesn't please me
> etc.
>
> Without going into details, there is more to it than this, but: my husband
> HAS let me down by not being here for me like I want him to. I'm doing ok
> with the baby, but having a hard time with myself- I have been very vocal
> and let him know all of this, but he is not being affectionate with me and
> it leads to a neverending cycle of bickering out loud, or getting along and
> me being unhappy on the inside....I cry several times a day, it just floods
> out. I'm distressed over family things, stress over money etc, and with my
> husband (and also dealing with feelings of guilt-- I feel guilty and
> horrible THAT I feel he's doing a really crappy job of being there for me.
> but he is insensitive and callous sometimes etc). But I also cause some of
> this or make it worse, by being bitchy or by telling him not-so-gently that
> he didn't do something right. Or that he is not meeting my needs. I
> contribute to this. Although the root of the problem is that he is making me
> feel isolated, by not putting forth just a little effort....he doesn't hug
> me anymore, ever, unless I inititate it, and I NEED hugs and cuddles and
> affection. I get so tired of feeling like I have to beg. Also, he's on me
> about money. And, it includes things like getting on me for wanting my hair
> done etc. I have not been taking care of myself and was sick all through
> pregnancy and I year to get back to my old self......to pamper myself a bit.
> I hadn't had a haircut in a year! I long to get my hair done monthly and get
> some new clothes and take care of myself, and fix up before going out
> instead of just going out without makeup and looking so tired and drawn all
> the time. I want to come back to life! Pregnancy was hard....but I don't
> want to let myself go, I want to be back like I was, cute, bubbly,
> happy....active and busy etc instead of being cooped up inside with the
> baby, being a frump.
>
> My husband seems to want me to stay frumpy, to stay around the house, and
> not take time to make myself better etc. This is a sore spot....
>
> But.......I worry about me now because it's taking a toll on me, outr
> problems, and while I am still having a FANTASTIC time with Rachel and she
> is so dear, sweet and perfect and I love every minute of her, and she does
> make me feel so happy and special.....I've had it up to here with my husband
> and our problems. I worry because it IS affecting me...I cry a lot, and am
> eternally unsatisfied.....I harbor resentment toward him and it does make it
> where when he puts forth a little effort, I am not pleased, because I can
> only see what I resent.
>
> I am not as worried about my husband and what he is doing or not doing, as I
> am about the fact that *I* feel out of control, hopeless, sad, and burst
> into tears all of the time.
>
> Could this be PPD or is this just normal emotions stemming from my problems
> with my husband which were here before pregnancy even?

Aww Jill :( *Hugs* The change of a newborn is probably putting stress
on the both of you, it's a big life change. He probably doesn't know
how to cope yet. You also are probably running into a bump, and
councelling probably is a good idea. It sounds like to me, it's more
your husband and problems with him then a problem with yourself. The
fact that you want to make yourself look better, etc I think says
you're okay. I'm no doctor, that's just the way it sounded to me. But
be safe, go to your doctor and tell him/her all of this. Definately
seek some sort of help because you sound like you're getting stuck in
a bad corner. Get something done before it's too late. Either before
something goes wrong with yourself or your marriage falls apart, or
something.
I hope things start to look up for you! Just remember that sweet baby
you have to show for all of this hard work. Things will get better.