older child in delivery room

[Rob and Jami]

Hello,

I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)

Jami

[Welches]

Rob and Jami > wrote in message
...
> Hello,
>
> I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
> having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
> course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
> control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
> present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
> behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
> traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)
>
I wouldn't want it myself, but this is my opinion.
1. Does he want to be present? And can he be aware approximately what will
happen? Will he be shocked at seeing blood?
#1 wanted to see #2 born but she has inherited my disposition to go faint at
the sight of blood, so it was a no go area. (she would have been 3 when #2
was born) I do know of a 3 yr old who was present-and loved it. #1 also
would have struggled with seeing me in pain. I explained to her what would
happen and we agreed that she could go to a friend's house. I certainly
wouldn't force a reluctant or even indifferent child to see.
2. Do you really think he'll stay behind you? #1's pretty good on the whole,
but I'm certain she'd have not been happy being put in one place. She'd have
wondered round asking questions. I had a few hours off "why" questions-which
was bliss :-)
3. You may not get an epidural. I actually decided not to (deal with the
midwife-no internals if I didn't have an epidural) having gone in saying I
wanted one as soon as I was through the door.
4. You'll need a back up if he's not coping, or it's too long. One other
reason that I didn't want #1 there was that I was 30hrs with #1 and that's
not copeable with for a 3 yr old. Will you be able to cope if your partner
has to take him out (even just to the toilet)
5. Will he concentrate on the job inhand or will you be asked to read a
story half way through pushing!!!!!
I'm sure there are people here who will give you the reason's why it's
great. In a lot of ways I'd have loved #1 to be there, but these were some
of the reason's why I thought in our situation it was a bad idea. I suspect
she'd have coped (in retrospect) with the labour I had with #2. I'm certain
if I'd had a labour that mirrored #1 then she wouldn't have coped and it
would have made it harder for me to cope.
Debbie

[Larry McMahan]

Rob and Jami > writes:
: Hello,

: I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
: having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
: course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
: control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
: present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
: behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
: traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)

: Jami

OK. We had Clara present at 22 months when her brother Niel was born.
She was like a sports announcer...
"I can see the head"
"The head is out."
"The shoulders are out."
"The baby is out."
"Put him on you tummy."
"The baby needs milk!"
"Cold feed!" (at which point she goes to her sock drawer)

You can read and see the story at http://home.comcast.net/~l.mcmahan/niel.html
Now, I have to admit it was a great deal easier since we had a homebirth.

What I would suggest is that you have a dedicated caregiver for the 3
year old. Labor can often be long and boring if you are not the mother,
and he may want to go out of the room and play when things are not
moving along. I would also suggest that with a dedicated caregive, you
simply let him decide where to watch from. Small children are not
particularly subject to trauma from such an even. That is a grown-up
notion!

Larry

[Ericka Kammerer]

Rob and Jami wrote:

> Hello,
>
> I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
> having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
> course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
> control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
> present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
> behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
> traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)

I had planned to have my 2.5 year old present at
my second's birth, but #2 decided to come in the middle
of the night and we couldn't get DS1 awake, so he missed
it. I did have #1 (8yo) and #2 (almost 6yo) present for
#3's birth, and that went very well. However, my births
were at home, which I think tends to be much more calm
and supportive of having children around. Depending
on the situation, a hospital environment may or may not
be scarier to your child.
Whatever the situation, it is imperative that
you have a caregiver for the older child who has no
job other than taking care of the child and who will not
be upset at missing the birth if the child decides
he doesn't want to be there after all. Also, I would
not expect him to stay behind your head. Little ones
are curious. Insisting he not see anything may either
make him cranky or may make it scarier for him (the
unknown is often scarier than the known).

Best wishes,
Ericka

[Nikki]

"Rob and Jami" > wrote in message
...
> Hello,
>
> I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
> having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
> course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
> control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
> present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
> behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
> traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)
>
> Jami
>
>
(just mentioned this to my friend whom said I could post this on her behalf)

One of my friends had her son present when no 2 was born. It went well as he
understood and there was nanny to care for him and take him to toilet, lunch
etc within the hospital. Child 1 was 3 years old. He was great and
understood what was happening.

My friend decided that since it went really well without a hitch she would
have both children present when no 3 was to be born. No 1 ( aged 6) was
upset that he had to share that special moment of seeing no 3 being born
with no 2. (aged 3 year) No 1 was also upset that no 2 was crying. No 2
was really upset and crying lots and had no idea what was happening or why,
only that mum was in big amounts of pain and blood everywhere.
No 2 thought mummy was dying and therefore scared her mum would no longer be
around, where as no 1 didn't want to leave as he didn't want to miss the
"yucky bloody birth" (as the child put it).

The labour staff and nurse's then had to contend with the mum in pain, the
dh trying to help, 2 children roaming around and trying to climb up and sit
next to mum and getting in the way, And nanny trying to get the children
under control but wouldn't listen to her. and dh trying to remain calm but
somewhat telling the children to get out the nurse's way etc.

Looking back she said having 1 present for no 2 was good and no hassles,
(short painless labour)
Looking back she also said having 1 and 2 present for no 3 was a big
mistake, (long problem labour) She wonders if no 2 was to young to realize
what was happening.
And she has said if she comes back for a no 4 she will have none of her
children, but her dh present for birth
(Later this year the children will be 7, 4, and 2 year old.)

I on the other hand didn't have my first present when I had my second.
Looking back I think I made a good choice, If I was at home, or If my child
had been older then on the other hand then maybe things would be different.

Im sure some people do and it works out well, But in this case it didn't.
Sometimes I wish 1 was presant but In some ways Im glad she wasn't.


Nic

[assileM]

"Rob and Jami" > wrote in message
...
> Hello,
>
> I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
> having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
> course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
> control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
> present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
> behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
> traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)
>
> Jami
>
>

Hi Jami,
I don't usually post here but I popped in to see Alissa's birth story and
saw your post so I figure I might add my 2 cents.

When I had baby #3 my OS then 4 and a bit and dd then 2.5 were both present
for the birth. DD was fascinated by the whole show! When my water broke (i
was kneeling at the foot of the bed) she was there beside me looking saying
"mummy needs a band-aid" and when I was in the pushing part she was standing
down the action end beside the midwife whow as showing her what was what!
Shakyra watched everything! At one point my midwife did have to ask her to
move her head out of the way but other than that she was fine just very
curious. She remembers nothing of the process now however 7 years later!

My OS on the other hand was there for maybe 5 mins before he decided mum was
bit too vocal and he took off to watch telly in the next room and wasnt seen
again till baby was out!

If you think your child can handle it then I would say do it but make sure
someone is on hand to take him if it gets to much or he gets scared. Birth
is something to be treasured and even now I don't stop any of my kids
watching it on tv (Discovery Health channel etc).

Go with your gut, if you think he'll be ok then there's no reason not to
have hium htere as long as your health care provider agrees.

FWIW my 3rd child was 11 pounds 1 ounce, I laboured at home for about 2
hours before going to the hospital to see if I was even in labour cause it
really only felt like BH! He was born 2 hours after we arrived at hospital,
no drugs no stitches no tears.


--
Melissa


(change the three to 3 to email me)

[[email protected]]

On Tue, 15 Jun 2004 15:41:38 -0400, "Rob and Jami"
> wrote:

>Hello,
>
>I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
>having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child.

Hi Jami

I wanted my 2 and a bit year old present for the birth of our 3rd
child. We had it all planned. He watched a heap of birth videos and we
talked about birth *lots*.

However, my 3rd birth went really, really FAST. We lived about 3
blocks from the hospital and my DH was supposed to run home to pick up
the 2 and a bit year old when I was in transition. BUT transition was
FAST and I was yelling (no meds) and baby was born while I was
standing up in a corner of the room.

When the baby was in my arms I remember saying "SH*T we forget to get
DS!!!!!" We also forgot to take any birth photos because it was all so
quick and (loud).

However, when DS sees other people's birth photos and birth videos he
claims to "remember" being in the room when his brother was born. He
wasn't but he really believes he was - must have been all the
preparation? Dunno.

Stephie.

[Circe]

"Rob and Jami" > wrote in message >...
> I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
> having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
> course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
> control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
> present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
> behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
> traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)
>
I gave birth to my third child in hospital with my then 4.5yo son and
2.5yo daughter present. It went wonderfully and I could not be more
happy that we did it that way. My 4.5yo understood exactly what was
going on and was not the slightest bit traumatized. (The next day, a
nurse who heard he'd been present at the birth asked my oldest if he
was ever scared. He replied, "Nope. Everything was under control" with
such confidence that it could hardly be doubted.) I don't think my
then-2.5yo realized what was going on, but I think everyone was so
relaxed and confident throughout labor and birth that it left no more
impression on her than going out to dinner <g>!

The key things that made it work for us were:

1) My mother and then-13yo nephew came with us to occupy and look
after the children while I labored. Since as far as my kids are
concerned, my nephew hung the moon and mom and dad are mere chopped
liver when he is present, we knew this was a good plan for keeping the
kids out from under my and my husband's feet while keeping them happy
and entertained.

2) Although I labored unmedicated, I knew in advance that I tend to
labor fairly serenely (I just do better when I hum through
contractions and stay calm, so not a lot of screaming or groaning from
me!) so I wasn't particularly worried that my labor would freak the
kids out.

3) We had a TV with VCR in the room with us, so the kids could watch
movies during my labor.

4) We brought along plenty of snacks and food so the kids wouldn't get
hungry and whiny.

5) We just got incredibly lucky. I ended up with an induction due to
high BP, but all it took to get my labor going was AROM (so no IV and
pitocin to look frightening to the little ones) and, although it was a
little worrying that we didn't get things started until 6:30pm and I
was afraid I wouldn't give birth until the wee hours of the morning so
that the kids would be conked out at the defining moment, it ended up
taking a little under 4 hours from start to finish and everyone was
still there and wide awake. But that's something I could never have
*planned* for--there's just no accounting in advance for luck!

I guess I'd say the most important things if you plan to bring your
3yo are:

1) Make sure he has a reasonable idea of what to expect. Explain that
during labor, your body is working hard and that might mean you make
some noises that *sound* scary, but they don't mean anything is
*wrong*. If you expect to have an epidural, you know that means an IV
so prepare him for what that will look like.

2) Bring someone along to tend your child while you're laboring. If
there is someone you child is very familiar with and really likes to
be around, that is the person to bring.

I think that's about it. I'm really glad I did it, but not everyone is
up for a party in their hospital room during labor!
--
Be well, Barbara

[Larry McMahan]

Richard > writes:
: Larry McMahan > wrote:
: : [ . . . ]
: : You can read and see the story at http://home.comcast.net/~l.mcmahan/niel.html
: : [ . . . ]

: Thank you so much for sharing that, Larry. It's truly beautiful and, quite
: literally, awesome.

: Richard
: Micaela's dad

Geez. You've been here THIS long and you hadn't seen Niel's birth story
yet.

There is some other interesting stuff on the site also:
Clara's birth story
How we dealt with PIH
How to turn a transverse or breech with yoga
My Inverted/Flat Nipple Faq

Just trying to give a little back for what we have received.

Larry

[Cathy Weeks]

"Rob and Jami" > wrote in message >...
> Hello,
>
> I have not checked with my doctor/hospital, but I'm really thinking about
> having my 3 year old present for the delivery of our second child. Of
> course, assuming that I get an epidural this time (was way too out of
> control last time) Just wondering if anyone else has had an older child
> present for an actual delivery. Also, I was going to have him kind of
> behind me so he doesn't actually see "too" much, as I don't want to
> traumatise him. Any advice would be great, Thanks :)

<raises hand> *I* was an older child who was in the delivery room with
my mom, for the births of my brothers. Of course, I was 14 years old
when my first brother was born, and almost 17 when my second brother
was born. :-)

Not only that, I was the very first sibling allowed in a delivery room
in that hospital (it was 1983). The only reason the nurses let me in
was that I had taken the Lamaze class with my parents. I wasn't
traumatized. :-)

With regard to your son - make sure you have a friend or family member
who he likes and trusts, who can also be present, who will be there in
case he needs someone to hold his hand. I wouldn't worry about him
seeing too much. Also, you might explain to him ahead of time *what's*
going to happen. There are probably books or videos you can use to
help prepare him.

I offered to let my stepson be present for my daughter's birth (he was
7 at the time), and I showed him a video from my Bradley class of a
baby being born, and he opted out of being present, as he's a bit
squeamish. But most little kids aren't like that in my experience,
and he'd probably be fine.

Cathy Weeks
Mommy to Kivi Alexis 12/01

[H Schinske]

wrote:

>Labor can often be long and boring if you are not the mother,

*ahem* Labor can very well be long and boring even if you *are* the mother! It
certainly was for me.

--Helen