JG
July 29th 03, 11:25 PM
Children aren't 'bad' anymore, just afflicted
http://www.post-gazette.com/lifestyle/20030722life0722fnp7.asp
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
By Betsy Hart
Twice in one day last week, I was informed that my 2-year-old daughter
has a "sharing problem." First it was by a worker in the church nursery,
then later it was a sitter helping out with the kids at our pool.
A "sharing problem?" Oh, no!
My daughter does, of course, have a fundamental disorder. It's called
belonging to the human race.
What can sometimes make a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum over not getting
his way remotely amusing is that he's about 35 inches and 30 pounds. The
same behavior in a 6-foot, 200-pound fellow would be terrifying. And the
only thing that keeps the grown-up from having that behavior is
civilizing influences that say, "You can't do that."
But lately it seems that fewer parents, and very few parenting
"experts," want to admit that children need civilizing by their parents
and their culture. Rather than recognizing that children are loving,
darling, but utterly self-centered creatures who need to be trained away
from a naturally tyrannical "me" impulse, our culture has come to think
of them as perfectible little dears who just need a nudge here or there
in the right direction. In this view, reasoning, building self-esteem
and communication should be all that the inherently good little child
requires.
So, when the kids are still screaming, "Mom, he touched me!" or "No, I
won't!" or they're refusing to share toys, it can't be a part of the
fallen human condition -- it has to be a "disorder."
Thus we have what is today the most commonly diagnosed psychiatric
condition in children, "oppositional defiant disorder" (ODD). A case
study is 4-year-old Marianne, from the Web site of pediatric
psychiatrist Dr. James Chandler of the Royal College of Physicians and
Surgeons of Canada:
"... Marianne begins her day by getting up early and making noise. Her
father, unfortunately, has mentioned how much this bothers him. So she
turns on the TV, or ... bangs things around until her parents come out.
Breakfast is the first battleground of the day. ... She seems to be able
to sense how hurried her parents are. When they are very rushed, she is
more stubborn and might refuse [breakfast] altogether. It would be a
safe bet that she would tell her mom that the toast tastes like poop.
This gets her the first time-out of the day."
From there, things begin to go downhill. Interestingly, though Marianne
throws tantrums all day long with family, she rarely does it at
preschool -- as long as the other children do what she wants.
Marianne does not have a disorder. She is a child who has learned to
control those around her and who displays the thoroughly human tendency
of loving every minute of it -- though the odds are she's a miserable
child. (We KNOW her parents are miserable.) Marianne needs parents who
are willing to assert their authority, live up to their
responsibility -- and, for starters, give Marianne a loving spanking.
Otherwise, when she's older, she might display what's now called
"conduct disorder," though that shouldn't be confused with "disruptive
behavior disorder."
It's hoped she won't show signs of "selective mutism disorder"
(seriously), which is when a child who speaks well refuses to talk in
certain social situations. As in, "Tell Mr. Smith thank you," and the
child digs his heels in and clams up.
Without, for now, wading too far into the controversy surrounding
"attention deficit disorder" (ADD), it's worth noting that even its
greatest advocates generally agree that the condition is at least
overdiagnosed.
Certainly children can have real psychological pathologies and even
psychoses. But it's clear that more and more "experts" want to see
normal, healthy kids as perfectible, despite all evidence to the
contrary. So now kids don't misbehave, or act downright rotten or
selfish, they aren't incredibly strong-willed or even just shy
anymore -- they have "disorders" that have to be somehow "managed," too
often with pharmaceuticals.
What's next? "Complaining disorder," "bad attitude disorder,"
"won't-clean-up-the-room disorder"? Sigh. The ones who lose out are the
kids.
Back to my daughter with the "sharing problem." I was glad for the
insight. Now I can look for more opportunities for her to practice
"taking turns" (the best way to explain "sharing") and where she can be
lovingly civilized when she refuses to do so. After all, I don't want
her "sharing problem" to turn into a "sharing disorder."
I will also remind myself, again, that raising and training children is
a long, exasperating, joyful, difficult, wonderful, repetitive process;
it never ends in perfection, and I'll love and enjoy my kids to pieces
anyway.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
http://www.post-gazette.com/lifestyle/20030722life0722fnp7.asp
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
By Betsy Hart
Twice in one day last week, I was informed that my 2-year-old daughter
has a "sharing problem." First it was by a worker in the church nursery,
then later it was a sitter helping out with the kids at our pool.
A "sharing problem?" Oh, no!
My daughter does, of course, have a fundamental disorder. It's called
belonging to the human race.
What can sometimes make a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum over not getting
his way remotely amusing is that he's about 35 inches and 30 pounds. The
same behavior in a 6-foot, 200-pound fellow would be terrifying. And the
only thing that keeps the grown-up from having that behavior is
civilizing influences that say, "You can't do that."
But lately it seems that fewer parents, and very few parenting
"experts," want to admit that children need civilizing by their parents
and their culture. Rather than recognizing that children are loving,
darling, but utterly self-centered creatures who need to be trained away
from a naturally tyrannical "me" impulse, our culture has come to think
of them as perfectible little dears who just need a nudge here or there
in the right direction. In this view, reasoning, building self-esteem
and communication should be all that the inherently good little child
requires.
So, when the kids are still screaming, "Mom, he touched me!" or "No, I
won't!" or they're refusing to share toys, it can't be a part of the
fallen human condition -- it has to be a "disorder."
Thus we have what is today the most commonly diagnosed psychiatric
condition in children, "oppositional defiant disorder" (ODD). A case
study is 4-year-old Marianne, from the Web site of pediatric
psychiatrist Dr. James Chandler of the Royal College of Physicians and
Surgeons of Canada:
"... Marianne begins her day by getting up early and making noise. Her
father, unfortunately, has mentioned how much this bothers him. So she
turns on the TV, or ... bangs things around until her parents come out.
Breakfast is the first battleground of the day. ... She seems to be able
to sense how hurried her parents are. When they are very rushed, she is
more stubborn and might refuse [breakfast] altogether. It would be a
safe bet that she would tell her mom that the toast tastes like poop.
This gets her the first time-out of the day."
From there, things begin to go downhill. Interestingly, though Marianne
throws tantrums all day long with family, she rarely does it at
preschool -- as long as the other children do what she wants.
Marianne does not have a disorder. She is a child who has learned to
control those around her and who displays the thoroughly human tendency
of loving every minute of it -- though the odds are she's a miserable
child. (We KNOW her parents are miserable.) Marianne needs parents who
are willing to assert their authority, live up to their
responsibility -- and, for starters, give Marianne a loving spanking.
Otherwise, when she's older, she might display what's now called
"conduct disorder," though that shouldn't be confused with "disruptive
behavior disorder."
It's hoped she won't show signs of "selective mutism disorder"
(seriously), which is when a child who speaks well refuses to talk in
certain social situations. As in, "Tell Mr. Smith thank you," and the
child digs his heels in and clams up.
Without, for now, wading too far into the controversy surrounding
"attention deficit disorder" (ADD), it's worth noting that even its
greatest advocates generally agree that the condition is at least
overdiagnosed.
Certainly children can have real psychological pathologies and even
psychoses. But it's clear that more and more "experts" want to see
normal, healthy kids as perfectible, despite all evidence to the
contrary. So now kids don't misbehave, or act downright rotten or
selfish, they aren't incredibly strong-willed or even just shy
anymore -- they have "disorders" that have to be somehow "managed," too
often with pharmaceuticals.
What's next? "Complaining disorder," "bad attitude disorder,"
"won't-clean-up-the-room disorder"? Sigh. The ones who lose out are the
kids.
Back to my daughter with the "sharing problem." I was glad for the
insight. Now I can look for more opportunities for her to practice
"taking turns" (the best way to explain "sharing") and where she can be
lovingly civilized when she refuses to do so. After all, I don't want
her "sharing problem" to turn into a "sharing disorder."
I will also remind myself, again, that raising and training children is
a long, exasperating, joyful, difficult, wonderful, repetitive process;
it never ends in perfection, and I'll love and enjoy my kids to pieces
anyway.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------