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Old July 17th 03, 12:55 PM
Betsy
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Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

In news:CurRa.80070$ye4.60298@sccrnsc01,
typed:
This is so painful and I am so ashamed and hurt it is difficult to
talk about it but you are my family of choice and have been with me
through thick and thin for over four years now and I love you all and
need you now more than ever as my "real" family is very unhealthy for
me and my son and not there for us anyway and have caused part of the
problem. I'm going to tell the whole story so you get the whole
picture so as best to understand the situation so that perhaps you
will understand how my son and I got to the crisis point we are at
and hopefully avoid judging and condemning me, please don't do that
right now.

I grew up with a mother who was emotionally vacant and neglectful to
the point that I nearly died as a child of dehydration and abused my
whole life by my father and his crazy family. I also inherited the
genetic mental illness but I also inherited the high intelligence and
creativity on my mother's side, but alas, not the money ;-) (It is
my life's dream to study the genetics of psychiatric illnesses and I
am in school now pursuing that.)

But, and this is a huge one. There is something else that has been
passed on. My son watched me be abused by men when he was very
young. I don't remember a lot of my childhood so it's hard for me to
relate to what all he can remember of his but somehow over the last
two years my precious little boy has become very abusive to me
emotionally and verbally and it has reached a crisis point to where
he can not live with me. He is 16.

I haven't been able to control him since he got bigger than me two
years ago. He stopped going to school regularly, even though he is
very intelligent and I taught him everything I know about computers
and have given him everything I possibly can. He says he will go back
next year and finish high school and I hope he does but he has a lot
of pressure from the underachievers we live around who do not have
his intelligence or skills. I know I haven't been able to show love
for him like "normal" but I have loved him better than I was loved
and I have not physically abused him, that I am proud of, especially
for having bipolar disorder. I have done my best to take care of my
mental health ever since I recognized that there was something wrong
with me, looking for the right pills, since I was 18 and old enough
to have my own insurance since my mother believes I am demon
possessed and just need to go back to church. Just last year I
finally got the right anti-depressant and am finally awake! All the
others made me tired and fat. I could go on for paragraphs about
side effects... But mainly being asleep is the one that affected my
poor child the worst, I know what it feels like to be ignored, that
hurts worst than any beating, in my opinion.

Psychic scars hurt and I can see that I have hell to pay for what my
mental illness and the abuse that has been heaped on me in the past
has done to my little boy who stands before me an angry young man.
The thing is, I am tired and small and hurt and out of everyone, I am
the only one who stood by him all these years, why does he hate me so
much that he wants to punish me so badly? Everyday he calls me names
and I tell him not to talk to me like that but he goes on like I
didn't say anything, he drives my car without a license, he smokes
pot and cigarettes and drinks and tells me the child support that I
get, that I finally get after all these years, is free money, that I
don't earn it, that I don't do anything because keeping a roof over
his head, the lights on, food in the fridge and on the table and tv
in his room and internet on his computer and gas in the car isn't
work, and fixing computers isn't anything, even he can do that. I
used to have such confidence and sometimes I still do but then I come
home. My college education means nothing to him even though he was
THERE. I took him to the University of Wisconsin with me when he was
five, he went to daycare and then kindergarten right there on campus,
he got a wonderful, radical education. I've tried so hard to expose
him to literature and art and politics and music and gave him all
these computer skills that he is so proud of. He has new clothes, I
don't. His computer runs 5 times faster than mine and has all the
new stuff. I knew when I had him that I didn't have what it takes to
be a mother, much less a young, single mother and I wanted to give
him up for adoption but my mother and my aunt (the god squad) ripped
up the papers "you're not giving away our grand baby" but after he
was born it was all "you made your bed, you lie in it" "we raised
ours alone, you can do it too." "you broke God's law (fornication),
all these things that you are suffering, this is your punishment."
That last one, my mom said that to me again just last month. She
wasn't being cruel, she really believes that. And unfortunately,
apparently so do I. It is not helpful. I didn't know that I had a
mental illness until after he was born. I didn't know that it was
genetic until a few years ago and when I found that out I had my
tubes tied, it stops with me.

I don't bother telling my mother any of this for obvious reasons or
my aunt as they both are already old and overwhelmed with ill health
and caring for other family members who are having health problems.
I have no other family. His father lives far away and resents his
existence and burden of child support and has his "own" family to
support so I don't think he will take him in or be a good role model
either. I have been calling the foster care people for two weeks and
they have been giving me the run around while my son gets more and
more aggressive and I get more and more frustrated. Friday I called
911 and said come get him before I hurt him but they said I was stuck
with him until he is 18 and put me through to some intake worker who
said she would mail me an appointment. I said we did not have time
to wait for the mail and she hung up on me. I started calling
numbers at random that were similar to hers and got a case worker who
put me through to her supervisor but it was voice mail so I left a
message. Sunday I got gas and my son insisted on driving and I was
too tired and defeated to argue even though he doesn't have a license
and puts up a fight every time I try to get him to get a permit,
anyway we get to the store with the last of our money and he wants
pop but we only have enough for the gas and a 99 cent mocha each.
But I break down and get him the damn pop. (This is a side of me
none of you have seen before isn't it.) Anyway, I come out of the
store and he yells across the lot, "That's not the kind of pop I want
you dumb crack!" I stare at him in shock. How did it get this bad?
How is it that I haven't had a man in my life for 7 years since the
last guy broke my back and I decided to focus on my son and yet he
still turned into one of "them"? (Now someone will say "she has an us
and them mentality, it's her fault. burn the witch. I have a them
and them mentality. men who abuse and men who do not feel the need to
offend. but burn away, i'm on fire anyway) How did I screw this up,
the only thing that really matters? And who is going to save my
soul?

I point out that this is the same pop I got last week that he
complained that I didn't get enough of back when we had money. This
is all so familiar. I have made these same apologetic
rationalizations to numerous abusive men in the past before and it is
pointless. It has to stop. It has to stop with me. I get up and
take the pop back into the store for a refund. The lady looks at me
like I am crazy (!) but gives me my dollar fifty back and for the
reason why I write down 'ungrateful kid' and she laughs with me. My
son is irate and I hear about it all the way home how crazy I am
while I tell him how he just isn't used to me standing up for myself
and holding him accountable but I plan to do it more often. I will
pay, I will pay big for this, but I have no idea yet. His friend
comes over needing his computer fixed. Word travels fast when you
fix computers for free. He asks if he can use my computer to format
his friends hard drive. Hell no! That is taking a big risk that you
will accidentally lose the data on your hard drive, take that risk on
your own computer or, better yet, take that risk on your friend's
computer. Here, take my windows '98 cd... and I advise him how to do
it. I work on my webpage a little and post some of my poems and my
newest song. I am taking physics and have a lot of studying to do, I
love going to college, I am good at it. My computer is my life. I
have been a computer technician since 1996, it is my link to this
news group and my email which is an important social need and to the
Internet where I am constantly keeping my overactive brain busy doing
research learning and helping people with my knowledge and all my
poems and songs and webpage and 2 years worth of data are on my 30
gigabyte hard drive.

Monday I came home from school and turned on my computer and nothing
happened... it wouldn't boot. It was as if my son had killed my dog.
For you guys out there, imagine you had a prized Porsche that you
cherished and showed off and took care of every day and your son got
mad at you, had been mad at you for a lot of things that you just
didn't know how to fix and you came home one day and your son asked
if he could drive it and you said no and you came home and your
Porsche was sitting in your drive way all crashed up, how angry would
you be? I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I got in my car and
drove to his friend's house and he got in and I took him to the woods
near there and told him how he hurt me and he had no right, he had
crossed the last boundary, he no longer lived at my house and that
when he went and told everyone how crazy I was to be sure and tell
them what he had done. I did not hit him or touch him at all, he was
not scared of me in any way, (he is a foot taller than me and much
faster and I can't run, I have two compressed disks in my lower back)
he was annoyed. I said I was going to smash up his computer but he
pointed out that his is worth way more than mine and I'd just have to
pay for it so what's the sense in that. He walked back to the car
before I did and tried to use his keys to get in but I got in and
went home and sat down and called 911 again. They put me through to
crisis and I told them again how much worse things had gotten and to
please find some place for my son to live because he could not live
with me, he was hurting me and I was having a hard time holding it
together and I did not want it to escalate either way. Do something!
I have a counselor, he has a counselor, it's going to take more than
that. His constant abuse is aggravating my PTSD and I don't want to
be abusive to him. I've been accused of having a victim mentality on
here before, I think maybe that is what has contributed to how he has
learned to treat me so please don't beat me up about that, certainly
that will make things worse. So, the police came to my house. I was
surprised to see them as I thought I had handled it pretty well,
having gotten my point across without resorting to violence but what
I didn't know is that my son had told them that I tried to kill him.
He said this in front of my only friend, who knows me really well,
but they did not listen to her even though she is an adult, they
listened to him, presumably because although he is a minor he looks
like a man. So now those who have a history of picking on me for
"having issues with men" can start blaming this on me for that. Or
maybe it's all Eve's fault, but I already apologized for that at
gunpoint when I was married to my psycho ex-husband in front of my
son when he was three, he remembers that better than I do, I've
gotten really good at dissociating (leaving your body when your body
and spirit find it necessary to take a break from each other for
awhile). And before you blame me for getting involved with abusive
men, they are not abusive at first, it is like a spider's web. Very
beautiful and intricate and silky soft and smooth but damned
difficult to get out of and the harder you try to get out of it the
more stuck you are. Precious few escape. And I have worked very
hard at escaping, I attract psychos, they like my fiery personality
and my lovingness combination and I never know they are a psycho
until it's too late. I did abstain for all those years but I guess
that was too late. Well, this is the biggest pity party I've had in
a long time. Probably because I haven't had this much pain come to
the surface in years.

So, the police, once again, reinforced my fear and loathing of them
although they were pretty kind and respectful when they went about it
by NOT helping me. I have learned repeatedly that the police do not
help women who are being abused by men, they only know how to punish
and they are good at that and they tend to identify with the man. I
have heard contrary from others, but this has been my experience time
and time and time again regardless of my behavior or attitude or what
part of the country I am in. Because my son lied to the police about
how I reacted to him destroying my computer they took me to
involuntary psych unit. It has been a long time since I have been
treated with such indignity and it really brought out the abused
child in me to be abandoned and ignored which about sums up what it's
like to be locked up in the emergency room. It is completely useless
as a health care tool. You get no sleep, you get NO medication, they
make you take off all your clothes and wear a napkin (you might make
a slingshot out of your brassiere or something), and when you ask for
help no one will listen to you, because you are a mental patient. It
brings back some very bad memories. I had two angels. I am
hypoglycemic and nearly fainted on my way back from the bathroom
because they also do not feed you on the psych ward in the middle of
the night and I also needed my pain meds but fat chance I was even
going to bother asking for that, much less my mental health meds,
ironic though that may be. But for some reason I have the survival
skill of tenacity, I asked every single nurse that walked by until
one listened to me and she got me some 7UP. She also picked up the
bloody gauze that was on the floor next to my bed that was there when
I got there that I pointed out was a hospital liability but none of
the other nurses would listen to me about it. (good thing I'm not
THAT kind of crazy, sheesh, what if it had AIDS on it or something?)
The other one was the security guard watching me. Being ignored
really gets to me and I almost lost it and he came over and said you
brought that book with you (a physics book) he said he had no idea
what it was about but that if I filled my head with the book there
would be no room for my mother, my mother was NOT there. And then he
proceeded to watch over me, in a good way. I even fell asleep for
awhile, in peace.

They released me to the care of my counselor's office where,
thankfully, they know me very well and they know I am not a violent
psycho like my son and the police were making me out to be and they
made arrangements to contact foster care on my behalf and let me go
so I could get to class. A taxi took me home and when I got there my
car was gone. Boy was I mad, lol. My son had run the gas out but at
least it was all in one piece and my friend brought it to me and I
went to school and tried to fake normal, that's like trying to
pretend that you are not on fire. Who is this child and where is my
real son? How do I get him back? Why won't the system stop screwing
around and help us? Now what do I do?



Unfortunately, my opinion is that foster care will be of no benefit to your
son. You say he has a counselor, what are they doing? Seriously, if things
are perpetuation, the counselor sounds like he/she is not doing his/her job.
All I can say regarding some of your son's behavior is this: What
consequences have occurred? From what I am reading, you are very good at
telling your son how angry or upset or disappointed you are. That is not
enough in many cases. He destroyed your computer, you tell him you are
hurt. What else did you do? Did you remove HIS computer which, he pointed
out, YOU paid for; so in essence it is yours? Have there been priveleges
removed for misbehavior? He did not get this way overnight, nor did he
become this way just from seeing you abused. You set limits, but it sounds
like you didn't enforce them. It also sounds to me like your son might want
a little more firmness. He can walk all over you, and he knows it. He may
have some of his own mental illness. As you said, many times it is
inherited, and he may have it. It didn't stop when you had your tubes tied,
because you already had your son. Keep pushing with counselors, and the
state, and whatever agencies are available. Keep trying to get him
evaluated. He may need anger management. To be honest, my mother would say
he needs a "swat on his backside." I do not have any advice to offer, other
than what I see, which doesn't really help now. Keep working on it. You
have done your best, but one thing you must do, for yourself, is really look
at things, so you can find where your responsibility lies. Blaming
everything, or most everything on a cycle of abuse is not the answer. You
had some (a LOT) input into your son's behavior. Even a few years away from
abusive relationships can be enough to turn opinions around. You may still
be able to do this, but you have to get strong in yourself. Until you do
that, anyone and everyone will be able to "make you feel down." Tell
yourself you are a good person, you deserve respect. Keep doing that every
day, several times a day if needed. Once YOU believe that, you can instill
that into others. Follow through with things as well. It sounds to me like
you gave your son a lot, but didn't expect much in return. My son has a
computer of his own, same speed and "goodies" as mine. But he can not
access it. It is a privelege, not a right. It is MINE, not his. He has
use of it for school work, and games when chores are completed. My mother
tells me I am too hard on him. I don't believe so. Get strong in you, so
you can be strong with others. That is the hardest thing to do, but so
worth it. Good luck to you and your son.

Betsy
--
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with
ketchup.