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Old July 19th 03, 02:38 AM
CME
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Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)


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CME wrote:
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If it was me, and of course this is the only way I can give you
advice on this issue... and I DO know where you're coming from, in
many ways. But if it was me, I'd try the Tough Love strategy. If he
STEALS your car, you call the Police. If he disrespects you and your
rules, kick him out. I remember what it was like to be 16 and your
son is displaying similar behaviours. My parents gave me a choice.
Either go to school (I dropped out in Gr.11), get a job, or get out.
Of course, being the stubborn fool-headed girl I was, I got out. I
packed some bags and went to stay with friends. It was the best
thing my parents EVER did for me. ****ing wake-up call, let me tell
you. Of course I got into some trouble, I even moved to a different
city for awhile...


I'm so scared that he will wind up on the streets out there, he is not

able
to cut it with his peers now, and we just live in a working class
neighborhood, he'd be ripped to shreds out there on the streets, he'd wind
up on drugs, fodder for sexual predators, oh, god.


And you know what? That's the risk you take, but what you need to do is
make him realize that if he's to live in your house, he needs to respect
your rules and really the choice is his. If he leaves or you kick him out,
it was his choice, and if he does wind up on the street, then you make him
aware that he can always come home.

but you know what? I came back, and not only have
I grown up, I understand my parents and I would have done the same
thing! And I will if my sons ever pull the **** that *I* did. You
are NOT doing him any favours by catering to him. When he leaves
your home as an adult, he won't have anyone to cater to him,


sure he will, there are lots of women just like me! (bowing my head in
shame, it all comes so clear to me now. the abusive guys i've loved, they
abused me because they needed me to take care of them...)

and
he'll grow up thinking the world owes him a favour. Lorian, please,
please stand up for yourself. Do not let him disrespect you like
that, YOU deserve better. Period.


well, i hear you but i can't feel it inside but for today i will take your
word for it. maybe one day soon i will believe it about myself again. i

am
trying very hard to pretend and to take steps to stand up for myself but i
am always pretending, so many people treat me like i don't matter, it's

not
just my son. it's the police, the hospital staff, the social services
system, but then there are those rare people who see the glow in me and

the
light clicks back on...

Just a thought, but have you ever considered that the way people see you, is
a reflection of how you see yourself? How can you expect others to see your
value, if YOU do not even see it? I'm a big believer in self-image and
directing my own life... if you believe you're worthless etc, then why would
others think differently? Not letting people walk all over you is part of
that too, it's about self-respect. I've come a looooong way baby, because I
*used* to see my value through others, namely men, and although I thought I
was a good person, there was always that little voice inside of me, you know
the one, the one that says you're nothing (well it was actually my mother in
my head, but that's another story. lol) Well it's hard work to break that
cycle, and therapy helped me see all these things (well that and just basic
University classes). So if *I* can do it, so can you Lorian.

Christine