View Single Post
Old July 19th 03, 08:47 PM
external usenet poster
Posts: n/a
Default help me keep my son from perpetuating the cycle of abuse (very long)

CME wrote:
And you know what? That's the risk you take, but what you need to do
is make him realize that if he's to live in your house, he needs to
respect your rules and really the choice is his. If he leaves or you
kick him out, it was his choice, and if he does wind up on the
street, then you make him aware that he can always come home.

Scary, but good advice. If/when he lives with me again.

Just a thought, but have you ever considered that the way people see
you, is a reflection of how you see yourself? How can you expect
others to see your value, if YOU do not even see it?

yeah, because when I have confidence others react to that. When I am
depressed I try to isolate myself so as not to be a burden onothers, but my
poor son has always been around me through these mood swings and through the
fall out of the trauma of the abuse I've taken from others and he must have
felt so powerless to help me and of course I was not able to be there for
him emotionally, that is a big part of why he is so angry at me I am sure.
Also, my confidence level is a main factor of my manic-depression. When I
am manic, I am very confident when I am depressed I feel worthless, no
matter what. The meds help a lot but only go so far.

I'm a big
believer in self-image and directing my own life... if you believe
you're worthless etc, then why would others think differently? Not
letting people walk all over you is part of that too, it's about

It's also about me just being too tired and defeated to say no. And a
learned fear of saying no.

I've come a looooong way baby, because I *used* to see
my value through others, namely men,

this one I figured out a few months ago and I realized that even though I
wasn't dating anyone I was still relying on the approval I got from the men
in my life that I fixed computers for, or bought computer parts from, or
that worked at the bar that I liked to go to on Saturday nights (safe men,
because I have a rule against dating bar staff) or just any man that thought
I was pretty or funny or smart or whatever. That was a high that I knew
deep down that could vanish at any moment and that it wasn't right to rely
on others for my self-esteem. So, I stopped going to the bar for awhile and
distanced myself from everybody emotionally and asked myself what I liked to
do that was just for me. This took awhile. I remembered that in college I
had studied creative writing. So, I started going to poetry readings. Then
I started writing poetry again and my creativity came back like a flood, I
still can hardly keep up enough pen and scraps of paper to write it all down
as it comes to me. This is where lasting self esteem comes from, within.
And now I have a reputation at the bar (it's really my main social outlet, I
have good friends there who are all sober as they work there and they are
educated and intelligent and respect me) for being a writer and they like my
songs and encourage me as I pursue my education in genetics. It's my son
who doesn't respect me.

and although I thought I was a
good person, there was always that little voice inside of me, you
know the one, the one that says you're nothing (well it was actually
my mother in my head, but that's another story. lol)

I take a pill for that, LOL. Sometimes my mother does try to help me love
myself and I do respect her for the fact that she did leave my father and
she did raise my brother and I alone and she did go get a job as a bus
driver that she has had all these years and she is now doing that and caring
for my dying stepdad too. It's just that she has a lot of shame issues
herself so ultimately that is what comes through from her. And I don't know
that I will ever overcome my childhood, I can't usually remember it except
in times of extreme duress.

Well it's hard
work to break that cycle, and therapy helped me see all these things
(well that and just basic University classes). So if *I* can do it,
so can you Lorian.

I'm glad you have such confidence in me, and thank you for sharing your
story, it does give me hope that if I continue to work hard and seek help
for my son and I that we can make a better way.