Banty wrote:
In article .com,
lenny
fackler says...


Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Scott wrote:

My wife and I have an 8-year-old son, and a 5-year-old
daughter.
My
wife would like a third. There are times when my wife accepts
not
having a third, but she'll frequently find herself wanting
another.

She is worried she'll regret not having another one, and the
ones
we
have are growing some quickly.

As much as I try, I can not come to terms with having a third. I
try,
but for a variety of reasons, I don't want another one, but I
worry
about my wife.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

It's a really tough situation, and can even be a
marriage-breaker in some cases.

When the issue is 'kids' vs. 'no kids' maybe, but you think a woman
would break up a marriage because her husband doesn't want a third?
That seems insane to me.
In my opinion, if a couple already has two healthy children and
disagree about having a third, the partner not wanting another child
clearly has the upper hand.
They should talk to a counselor if one of them is unhappy about
this.



If a marriage were to break up over this, it would be a case of this
issue
embodying overall issues in the marriage. Like how the couple
communicate,
negotiate, and have their needs and desires met or not met.

While from a certain practical standpoint I can see the reasoning
behind the
no-child-is-trump conclusion, IMO the problem in a marriage is very
often that
one partner's viewpoint is considered trump too much of the time.
The problem
can be exactly that issues are looked at in that way - one having to
justify
their desires vs. the other considering their own way to be the norm.

So statements about what should have 'the clear upper hand' and what
'trumps' go
against the real consideration and acceptance of others' needs and
dreams that
should be happening here. It's a negotiation. If something is
considered to
'trump', even if the eventual decision should be to stick to two
kids, the
discussion about WHY and how important various things are to the two
partners
won't happen. And it should happen. And, yes, perhaps her dreams
regarding
family size are very important and he has the ability to deal with
not getting
his way on this. Or not. But calling 'trump' may be exactly the
problem which
really is the problem when marriages breakup over something like
this.

Banty

That all makes a lot of sense. I was reacting to the 'marriage
breaker' comment and made a blunt assessment without any assumptions
about the way they communicate or other marriage dynamics. Obviously,
the issue has to be worked through.
If a marriage fails over the issue of 2 children vs. 3 then there was
something wrong to start with.