Emily,

First of all your feelings and experiences are valid and important as anyone
elses, and I'm glad you've shared them with us. So don't feel bad, you're
not bringing me down, I've been there, and for those of us who haven't it's
a learning curve.
I can't imagine quite what it's like to be where you are, feeling your baby
kick and knowing there isn't much time left with him/her. For me, the first
thing I knew there was anything wrong with my son is that he _stopped_
kicking. I know it was a horrible, surreal kind of feeling for me once I
found out he had died and that I had to go back and sleep a night knowing he
was inside me but no longer alive. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of new
life and joy, and that's what you get geared up for. It's an awful shock to
have to think about a funeral for a child who you should have been preparing
a nursery, or a baby shower :'-(
We knew we were having a boy, and had already tentatively named him Carlos,
in the end I found it too hard to pick out a middle name, as it seemed by
picking out a name for him after he'd died that name would not really be
'his', so he never got one.
We opted for a peaceful graveside ceremony with family and friends, and
brought along a portable cassette player so we could play a song, DH is a
Queen fan so we chose "Who Wants To Live Forever", which was the theme from
Highlander. We read a poem each, and although we are not religious we had a
dear family friend who is very much involved with the church take the
service and read a couple of bible passages. At the end, while the Queen
song was playing, one by one everyone threw a rosebud on top of his casket.
It's the most awful thing to ever have to do, to plan a funeral for your
child, but my son's was beautiful and I'm really thankful for that.

To me it seems nice that you have this time to plan, and to say goodbye, as
surreal as it is. I hope the next few days are as gentle on you as possible.
I hope you reconsidered taking photos, and having someone else look after
them for you. If you ever want to see a picture of my son (he was 29 weeks,
so a bit further on) let me know. If you are worried about what your baby
might look like, I also know women who have lost babies earlier on who might
have pictures they're willing to share. I know I was terrified of what my
son might look like, and I asked my mother hesitantly if she wanted to see
him after he was born. She said "See him? I want to hold him and cuddle
him", which shocked me a little at first. When they're born though, they're
just the most perfect, beautiful things you've ever seen, and I think a lot
of bonding with my son happened after he'd died.
If you ever want to talk, or ask anything, just send me an e-mail, I'm
barton (dot) souto (at) clear.net.nz. I'll be thinking of you over the next
few days ((((((Emily))))))

~Amy

"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01...
Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
#2 EDD 7/19/04