"Emily" wrote in message
news:S240c.415031$I06.4602735@attbi_s01...
Hi again folks,

I have some more thoughts that I want to share, because
it feels good to do so. At the same time, I feel bad about
bringing everyone down...

Surreal days: It's a very strange time for us now, knowing
that we're losing this baby, and waiting for it to happen
(either on its own, or as scheduled on Wednesday). It's
especially strange (and difficult) when the baby kicks, but
also dealing with all the discomforts of pregnancy. It's
like, what's the point? It's one thing to take it all
in stride (and waddle) when you're looking forward to a good
outcome. Now, I just mostly try not to focus on my body.

Oh yes, it is so strange and surreal. We had almost a month between
diagnosis and delivery, and I went to work, did business trips, went grocery
shopping and out to dinner. It was during that 3-4 weeks that I really
finally began to show, to be recognized as pregnant by strangers, and to
feel the baby kicking. It was strange to be sitting in business meetings
thinking, "who cares about this, my baby is going to die." It was strange
to try to politely smile when complimented by a stranger, or be asked my due
date. I did end up telling quite a few people that our baby was sick and
wasn't going to make it, but more often than not, I just changed the subject
and tried to leave. Once we knew that we were going to end the pregnancy, I
did drink wine and eat things that were otherwise "no no's"

Love: DH and I were talking last night about how we love
that baby, and how odd it is to love someone that we haven't
met and won't ever get to know. But, we decided, that's
what parental love is. You don't love your kids for who
they are, you just love them. As you get to know them, you
come to love who they are, but that's different.

Names: We decided that we will name this baby. We tend to
give our kids "code names" or "project names" before they
are born. Silly names that we wouldn't ever seriously stick
someone with, but that we can use instead of "the baby".
Toby was Ebenezer before he was born. Actually, with Toby,
we didn't always explain that it was a joke. Some folks were
worried that we were serious. :-) This time around, the
code name for a girl is nice, just not one that we think
someone would want to live with. The one for a boy is silly.
If this baby is a girl, she'll have the code name. If it's
a boy, he'll have another name that we like but which we think
is too common, with the code name as a middle name. I'll post
the name when it's all over.

--
Emily
mom to Toby 5/1/02
#2 EDD 7/19/04

While I was pregnant, Dh kept calling the baby Riley, our chosen boy name.
We didn't know at that point the gender, but we did refer to the bump as
Riley. Then, when we found out about the baby's problems, we had the amnio,
and found out that it was a boy. I didn't want to use Riley for this baby's
name, as I really wanted a live boy named Riley. So, we agreed to find
another name for this child. We had begun to decorate the nursery with a
Classic Pooh border, and for a few days I thought of this baby as
Christopher Robin -- sort of old fashioned, romantic, and stuck in a
permanent idyllic childhood. But, it wasn't right, it wasn't our name. In
the end, we settled on Nathan James, after two of Rob's grandfathers who had
already passed away. I always envisioned them waiting for him in Heaven,
and that they'd watch over him and take care of him for us.

The other thing that just sort of happened on it's own is that I've come to
associate Daffodils with Nathan. They pop up like mad where I live in late
February and early March, and were everywhere. They are also the Cancer
Month flower, and they sell a lot of them during this same time of year, so
it was easy to get them. It's sort of a hopeful joyous flower, the
harbinger of Spring and hope.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

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