On 2 Dec 2004 10:14:24 -0800, (Karen O'Mara) wrote:

Cele wrote in message . ..

I remember when we first separated and we were on the phone and I had
a real choice to get in another argument with him or bite my words and
I bit my words. He followed suit and it just went like that. I
remember when my daughter who was very small could sense how I felt
about her father and said, "we don't like Daddy anymore, do we?" I
immediately knew I had to do the right thing... and I listed about ten
things that were wonderful about him. "You're Daddy is so strong, he
could pick up this couch with one hand," and "You're Daddy loves you
so much, he is counting the days until he gets to see you again. I bet
he'll take you to McDonald's!" And, so on.

We're really key players in how this will all play out.

Absolutely. And kids need both parents in their lives if at all
possible. Sometimes it's *not* possible, because of either death or
the refusal of a parent to participate, and that's so hard for the
kids.

otoh, I think I really tried very hard to make their relationship
work. As she grew older, I began to take myself out of the equation
and it seems neither of them want to have a relationship anymore. So,
once I quit trying to make their relationship work, it stopped.

Yes, and there certainly comes a time to step back and let them carry
on, or not, on their own. My daughters are now 17 & 19, and I no
longer have much to do with their relationship with their Dad. But
their Dad has remained so caring and involved, they go to see him of
their own accord frequently, and the three of them call each other all
the time. They all win. I've often said to their Dad that I think he's
an excellent parent, and I've said to them, when they were younger,
"Your Dad and I might not have been great as a married couple, but we
both love you tons and you're lucky to have a father like you have."
Now that they're practically adults, they've said on several occasions
to each of us that they really appreciate how we've coparented all
these years.

My own father, however, didn't maintain the relationship as
effectively, and he flat out stopped talking to me when I was 16 and
didn't take what he wanted me to take at university. Our relationship
was sporadic and damaged thereafter, and when he died, I hadn't seen
him in years. We'd talked on the phone, but hadn't even managed to get
together for lunch. It would have been better if things had been
different, but I realized as a young adult that he was what he was,
and it wasn't because of me that he couldn't be the father I'd've like
to've had.

Best of all, even if your ex trashes you, later on, they are smart
enough to know that you have consistently taken the high road. There's
a LOT of payoff then, during the teen years, when they realize that
regardless of the other parent's behaviour, you have remained positive
and supportive. Teens *really* respect that. And if they are so lucky
as to have had TWO parents who have taken the high road, the trust and
respect quotient going into adolesence is a whole lot higher than it
might be. You need all of that you can get around about then.

Kids can handle that their parents not agreeing. They can handle their
parents' divorce. They can handle moving and they can handle quite a
bit more, but what they *really need* is to know that the parents
will remain sane and sensible, and that even if one 'goes off', the
other one can be trusted. That, really, is the same in married
parenting.

Anyway, I'm probably rambling all over the map. I'm so bloody busy at
work I can hardly see straight. Good luck!

All very good insights and advice here.

Thanks, Karen. Take care.

Cele