'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 30 Apr 2004 08:11:35 +1000, quietguy

Kate, having read a few of your posts I have thought in the past that you were a
sensitive and caring person - but your thoughts below I find almost unbelievable

SEND HER? SEND HER? Wheew hard to believe you really said that Kate.

Geez, if it was ever a time when Sage needed her mum with her it is now. I hope
her mum ignores that advice of yours, and if Sage wants to attend then mum
should TAKE her - to be with her, care for her, listen to her.

David

PS The rest of what you you wrote sounded OK though

"Send her" was because money IS a consideration. If it comes down to a
choice between her not going, one of them going, or both not going, I'd
rather she went alone. She is not going to strangers... she is going to
her grandparent. Unless you've had to make the choice, you wouldn't
understand. That's my rationale for that statement. Do you disagree
with it?


Yes I would disagree Kate, very strongly. Whist my views might change if I had more
information about that family, if Sage was to go alone my concerns would be...

She is a long way from home if things go horribly wrong

Funerals are often very traumatic for those concerned - people are often (sadly)
desperate to blame someone for what has happened - what if the family (or some
member of it) puts the blame for Sages fathers death on her? (eg if only Sage had
responded/been nicer/more forgiving/accepting/whatever then he wouldn't have died.

Perhaps others at the funeral will attempt to blame Sages mother - if only she been
nicer/accepting/whatever he wouldn't have turned to drugs. How would Sage handle
that?

What if the Grandparents own grief is so bad that they are simply unable to support
Sage?

Perhaps anger at the departed son will spill over to Sage?

Can Sage properly express her own feelings (what ever they may be) to people who are
in a state of grief. Especially any negative ones such as "why did he leave me" etc
etc) Perhaps she can, perhaps she cannot.

My experience (Social Worker - 20+ years as a counsellor/therapist) is that some of
the things I have listed above do happen, and not so rarely as we would like. I
could never advise a client to follow the path you suggest.


And oh, thanks for the critique.

It wasn't meant to be a critique - just not throwing the baby out with the bathwater

That's the culmination of 5 years of
research and work with children and grief. I don't see you
contributing anything but a review of my post and the nitpicking.

You are right here Kate about my contributions in the NG - and although I am making
an exception here, I generally reply to posts directly to the person concerned.

However, I think you are quite wrong in describing my objection to encouraging a
mother to let a young girl travel many miles alone to a very emotional and possibly
traumatic event as nitpicking. Were you giving that advice while acting in a
professional capacity, and things went badly wrong, you could easily end up on the
wrong side of a disiplinary hearing, and maybe a civil lawsuit.


David