"quietguy" wrote in message
...


'Kate wrote:

On Fri, 30 Apr 2004 08:11:35 +1000, quietguy

Kate, having read a few of your posts I have thought in the past that
you were a
sensitive and caring person - but your thoughts below I find almost
unbelievable

SEND HER? SEND HER? Wheew hard to believe you really said that Kate.

Geez, if it was ever a time when Sage needed her mum with her it is
now. I hope
her mum ignores that advice of yours, and if Sage wants to attend then
mum
should TAKE her - to be with her, care for her, listen to her.

David

PS The rest of what you you wrote sounded OK though

"Send her" was because money IS a consideration. If it comes down to a
choice between her not going, one of them going, or both not going, I'd
rather she went alone. She is not going to strangers... she is going to
her grandparent. Unless you've had to make the choice, you wouldn't
understand. That's my rationale for that statement. Do you disagree
with it?


Yes I would disagree Kate, very strongly. Whist my views might change if
I had more
information about that family, if Sage was to go alone my concerns would
be...

She is a long way from home if things go horribly wrong

Funerals are often very traumatic for those concerned - people are often
(sadly)
desperate to blame someone for what has happened - what if the family (or
some
member of it) puts the blame for Sages fathers death on her? (eg if only
Sage had
responded/been nicer/more forgiving/accepting/whatever then he wouldn't
have died.

No one is even sure yet why he died. No one to blame. Her family has been
totally supportive her whole 13 years. I have trusted her care to them (she
would fly up to them alone for a week or two in the summer) and would under
any situation.


Perhaps others at the funeral will attempt to blame Sages mother - if only
she been
nicer/accepting/whatever he wouldn't have turned to drugs. How would Sage
handle
that?

Her father had drug issues when he was 16. They know no one is to blame but
him. If they are blaming anyone, it is sure to be themselves, as parents
often do.


What if the Grandparents own grief is so bad that they are simply unable
to support
Sage?

Perhaps anger at the departed son will spill over to Sage?

Can Sage properly express her own feelings (what ever they may be) to
people who are
in a state of grief. Especially any negative ones such as "why did he
leave me" etc
etc) Perhaps she can, perhaps she cannot.

Perhaps they have enough sense to not put that on her. I trust they would.

My experience (Social Worker - 20+ years as a counsellor/therapist) is
that some of
the things I have listed above do happen, and not so rarely as we would
like. I
could never advise a client to follow the path you suggest.


And oh, thanks for the critique.

It wasn't meant to be a critique - just not throwing the baby out with the
bathwater

That's the culmination of 5 years of
research and work with children and grief. I don't see you
contributing anything but a review of my post and the nitpicking.

You are right here Kate about my contributions in the NG - and although I
am making
an exception here, I generally reply to posts directly to the person
concerned.

However, I think you are quite wrong in describing my objection to
encouraging a
mother to let a young girl travel many miles alone to a very emotional and
possibly
traumatic event as nitpicking. Were you giving that advice while acting
in a
professional capacity, and things went badly wrong, you could easily end
up on the
wrong side of a disiplinary hearing, and maybe a civil lawsuit.


David



Kate was not giving any advice as a professional. This is a NG, not an
office. This is the internet and Kate might not even be female for all I
know. She could be a 18 year old with nothing better to do then give good
advice. I take what I need and she offered alot of help and will continue to
do so if I ask. That is the good thing about this.... support. Support and
professional help is 2 different things though. I have been hear sometime
and know Kate. I trust her advice.

Thank you for the concern. Everything I do I do with my child in mind. We
are going to the funeral together in the morning. Kate didn't know how far
we had to go so the advice to send was based on not knowing that, thinking I
might not be able to afford 2 airfares, ect. It isn't to far, we can drive
it. If it were much farther, I might have made the decision to fly her to
her family without me. I trust them completely.

Tiffany