Help with specific behavior issue

"Donna" ) writes:
Yep. In our house too. Running into the street or unbuckling the car seat
belt are two immediate spanking offenses for us, too. DD gets smacked so
very rarely that this is an incredibly effective deterrent. It only took
one time of unbuckling her seat for her to learn that that isn't a tolerated
behaviour.

Donna

Spanking is not a good idea. It contributes to
a me-versus-you, controlling relationship. In the
long term, spanking leads to increased misbehaviour,
on average. The child might obey that particular
rule, but find other ways to get back at the parents.
I can describe five ways that spanking causes increaed
misbehaviour, often long-term.

Scientific studies have established that on average,
spanking is linked to worse behaviour in the long term.

It doesn't even always work in the short term!
In this study, small kids actually ran into the
street more often if they were spanked for it!

http://www.neverhitachild.org/embry.html

Better methods: (These are just suggestions)

-- Avoid having a small child sit in a car a lot.
It's boring.

-- Make the car ride fun. Point out interesting
trucks and things along the way.

-- Give the child some choices and control:
whatever is reasonable in your situation.
It's almost always possible to at least ask,
"would you like to leave now, or in 5 minutes?"
You may be able to give the child some choice about
what order the errands are done, whether they're
in the morning or afternoon, which playground you'll
stop at along the way.

-- Have little breaks to get out of the car
and run around.

-- Check that the child's seat is comfortable and
the straps don't hurt. Do this interactively with
the child to show that you care.

-- Develop some special games you usually play just
as you're getting into the car: maybe make funny faces
through the car window for a minute, or something.
Since he's locking you out, probably better to do this with
you getting in first. Come up with some special
jokes or stories to say while doing up his seatbelt.

-- At other times, play games where he has control:
pretending to let him put you in jail or something.

-- Make sure he has some good exercise in the short
while before getting in the car. (But I don't advise
playing tag immediately before getting in the
car, or he may want to continue the game for real.)

-- Let the child know what is going to happen ahead
of time, for example ten minutes before leaving.
"We're going in ten minutes!".

-- Set up a bunch of toys the child can reach while
sitting in the car seat. Also snacks.

-- Avoid forcing the child to do things. Find other
ways such as asking nicely. Then the child won't feel
as much of an urge to win out over you sometimes.

-- Talk about seat belts in a positive way, using the word "safe"
and associating them with a parental hug.

-- Try to end each series of errands with
something for the child, such as stopping at a playground.
--
Cathy Woodgold
A *much* better world is possible.

"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...

"Donna" ) writes:
Yep. In our house too. Running into the street or unbuckling the car
seat
belt are two immediate spanking offenses for us, too. DD gets smacked
so
very rarely that this is an incredibly effective deterrent. It only took
one time of unbuckling her seat for her to learn that that isn't a
tolerated
behaviour.

Donna

Spanking is not a good idea. It contributes to
a me-versus-you, controlling relationship.

Did you miss that I have a toddler?


grin


In the
long term, spanking leads to increased misbehaviour,
on average. The child might obey that particular
rule, but find other ways to get back at the parents.
I can describe five ways that spanking causes increaed
misbehaviour, often long-term

snip

Catherine, we differ in this. I'm ok with that.

Best wishes,


Donna

"Donna" wrote in message
news:Niqqe.184$qr1.0@trndny07...

"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...

"Donna" ) writes:
Yep. In our house too. Running into the street or unbuckling the car
seat
belt are two immediate spanking offenses for us, too. DD gets smacked
so
very rarely that this is an incredibly effective deterrent. It only
took
one time of unbuckling her seat for her to learn that that isn't a
tolerated
behaviour.

Donna

Spanking is not a good idea. It contributes to
a me-versus-you, controlling relationship.

Did you miss that I have a toddler?

grin

Grin aside, who doesn't, or hasn't, on this newsgroup?
Don't assume that all parents of toddlers need to beat their
kids to get them to behave.

In the
long term, spanking leads to increased misbehaviour,
on average. The child might obey that particular
rule, but find other ways to get back at the parents.
I can describe five ways that spanking causes increaed
misbehaviour, often long-term

snip

Catherine, we differ in this. I'm ok with that.

Good point-by-point refutation.


P. Tierney

"P. Tierney" wrote in message
news:Blwqe.44702$nG6.17060@attbi_s22...


Catherine, we differ in this. I'm ok with that.

Good point-by-point refutation.

I respect Catherine. I have no interest in attempting to change her
opinions. I have been reading her posts for years, and although she and I
differ in our approaches to most things, I wouldn't dream of telling her
she's wrong, or trying to change her opinions. She's hardly some flake.

We're just different.

I must admit I'm curious as to why that seems to be so annoying to you.

Donna

"Donna" wrote in
news:Niqqe.184$qr1.0@trndny07:


"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in
message ...

"Donna" ) writes:
Yep. In our house too. Running into the street or
unbuckling the car seat
belt are two immediate spanking offenses for us, too.
DD gets smacked so
very rarely that this is an incredibly effective
deterrent. It only took one time of unbuckling her seat
for her to learn that that isn't a tolerated
behaviour.

Spanking is not a good idea. It contributes to
a me-versus-you, controlling relationship.

Did you miss that I have a toddler?
grin

so? you can't control a 30 pound child without hitting?
i admit there are times i really want to smack my kid (he's
going through a really mouthy 4 YO stage) but it won't do
anything except prove i'm able to hurt him. it won't do
anything toward solving the real issue.
lee

"enigma" wrote in message
. ..
so? you can't control a 30 pound child without hitting?

Oh for heaven's sake, did you even read my initial post? Or are you just
really bored today?

Donna

"Donna" wrote in message
news:CMzqe.677$aR1.230@trndny02...

"P. Tierney" wrote in message
news:Blwqe.44702$nG6.17060@attbi_s22...


Catherine, we differ in this. I'm ok with that.

Good point-by-point refutation.

I respect Catherine. I have no interest in attempting to change her
opinions. I have been reading her posts for years, and although she and I
differ in our approaches to most things, I wouldn't dream of telling her
she's wrong, or trying to change her opinions.

So why do you think that she wrote all that lenghty
well-thought response directly to you, if she wasn't trying
to do the same? Or at least engage you in a discussion
on the matter? Doesn't she know you well enough by
know to know that, heck, the two of you are just different?

She's hardly some flake.

We're just different.

I must admit I'm curious as to why that seems to be so annoying to you.

I could care less about your wonderful my relationship
with Catherine. My problem was with the implication, as I
read it, that anyone with a toddler would understand that
one needs to hit them to control them. I don't. I think it's
lame reasoning.


P. Tierney

"P. Tierney" wrote in message
news:gBFqe.45971$xm3.39329@attbi_s21...

So why do you think that she wrote all that lenghty
well-thought response directly to you, if she wasn't trying
to do the same? Or at least engage you in a discussion
on the matter?

I'm sure she was offering information in case I don't have it. But I
don't care to debate this issue. Am I obligated to? Did I miss a memo?


My problem was with the implication, as I
read it, that anyone with a toddler would understand that
one needs to hit them to control them.

Funny, I don't remember writing that. But hey, believe what you want.
I'd hate to spoil your fun.

Donna

"Donna" wrote in message
news:vSFqe.870$fa3.666@trndny01...

"P. Tierney" wrote in message
news:gBFqe.45971$xm3.39329@attbi_s21...

So why do you think that she wrote all that lenghty
well-thought response directly to you, if she wasn't trying
to do the same? Or at least engage you in a discussion
on the matter?

I'm sure she was offering information in case I don't have it. But I
don't care to debate this issue. Am I obligated to? Did I miss a memo?

Funny, I don't remember writing that. But I guess....

My problem was with the implication, as I
read it, that anyone with a toddler would understand that
one needs to hit them to control them.

Funny, I don't remember writing that. But hey, believe what you want.
I'd hate to spoil your fun.

... I can imply things for your writings (on the issue of spanking,
"Did you miss that I have a toddler? grin" Oh, hitting our kids
is such a source of amusement!!), but I can't from yours. Got that
memo.


P. Tierney

"Donna" ) writes:
"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...
In the
long term, spanking leads to increased misbehaviour,
on average. The child might obey that particular
rule, but find other ways to get back at the parents.
I can describe five ways that spanking causes increaed
misbehaviour, often long-term

snip

Catherine, we differ in this. I'm ok with that.

Best wishes,


Donna

I'd be interested in figuring out exactly how our
opinions differ.

Do you believe that spanking does not lead to
increased misbehaviour in the long term, on average?
What do you think of the results of scientific
studies such as Straus et al. (1997), which found
less improvement in behaviour over a two-year period
statistically associated with spanking? (In other
words, the more spanking, the less improvement in
behaviour, controlling for socio-economic status,
level of misbehaviour at the beginning of the study,
and a number of other variables.) What is your
opinion about this scientific result?

Straus, M.A.; Sugarman, D.B. and Giles-Sims, J. 1997. "Corporal
Punishment by Parents and Subsequent Anti-Social Behavior of Children"
_Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine_ 151(8):761-767.
--
Cathy Woodgold
A *much* better world is possible.