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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent.(BC, Canada)
Hi,
My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. Their father pays child support, largely due to his insistence in taking my wife to court twice (and losing badly, twice), when my wife would have been happy to settle through mediation. The support payments are managed by British Columbia's Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which has put an end to humiliating front-door confrontations over finances. The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. We do not use corporal punishment, and this dispute mainly centered around issues of courtesy and minor chores--nothing out of the ordinary at all. (We're a pretty boring middle-class professional family.) We have been in contact with our daughter's school counsellor, and have ourselves gone to counselling to help develop some parenting strategies for this difficult time. Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations. So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? - Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)? - At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter? From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people. I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a humiliating aspersion on his character. Thanks. |
#2
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote in message news:Qzgdj.29659$DP1.1615@pd7urf2no... Hi, My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. Their father pays child support, largely due to his insistence in taking my wife to court twice (and losing badly, twice), when my wife would have been happy to settle through mediation. The support payments are managed by British Columbia's Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which has put an end to humiliating front-door confrontations over finances. The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. We do not use corporal punishment, and this dispute mainly centered around issues of courtesy and minor chores--nothing out of the ordinary at all. (We're a pretty boring middle-class professional family.) We have been in contact with our daughter's school counsellor, and have ourselves gone to counselling to help develop some parenting strategies for this difficult time. Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations. So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? - Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)? - At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter? From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people. I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a humiliating aspersion on his character. Thanks. Yes......BUTT OUT........it is between your wife and her ex. |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent.(BC, Canada)
on 28-December-2007 5:39 PM Animal02 said the following:
"MGL" wrote in message news:Qzgdj.29659$DP1.1615@pd7urf2no... Hi, My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. Their father pays child support, largely due to his insistence in taking my wife to court twice (and losing badly, twice), when my wife would have been happy to settle through mediation. The support payments are managed by British Columbia's Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which has put an end to humiliating front-door confrontations over finances. The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. We do not use corporal punishment, and this dispute mainly centered around issues of courtesy and minor chores--nothing out of the ordinary at all. (We're a pretty boring middle-class professional family.) We have been in contact with our daughter's school counsellor, and have ourselves gone to counselling to help develop some parenting strategies for this difficult time. Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations. So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? - Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)? - At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter? From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people. I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a humiliating aspersion on his character. Thanks. Yes......BUTT OUT........it is between your wife and her ex. Hey, great advice! Thanks! Got anything substantive to add? |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote in From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people. I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a humiliating aspersion on his character. Let the kid stay with her father! After she gets really tired of living in those conditions, perhaps she'll better appreciate what you have to offer! |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote in message news:lGhdj.30360$DP1.6540@pd7urf2no... on 28-December-2007 5:39 PM Animal02 said the following: "MGL" wrote in message news:Qzgdj.29659$DP1.1615@pd7urf2no... Hi, My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. Their father pays child support, largely due to his insistence in taking my wife to court twice (and losing badly, twice), when my wife would have been happy to settle through mediation. The support payments are managed by British Columbia's Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which has put an end to humiliating front-door confrontations over finances. The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. We do not use corporal punishment, and this dispute mainly centered around issues of courtesy and minor chores--nothing out of the ordinary at all. (We're a pretty boring middle-class professional family.) We have been in contact with our daughter's school counsellor, and have ourselves gone to counselling to help develop some parenting strategies for this difficult time. Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations. So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? - Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)? - At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter? From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people. I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a humiliating aspersion on his character. Thanks. Yes......BUTT OUT........it is between your wife and her ex. Hey, great advice! Thanks! Got anything substantive to add? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH I am I not surprised you don't have a clue. |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote ............. My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. ........................................... The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. .......................... Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations. So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? === She isn't "our" daughter--She is your wife's and the dad's daughter. This really isn't your business. It is a matter between the girl/children and her/their parents. On what have you based your assertion that he doesn't care about the child(ren) but simply wants the support lowered? How do we know that you don't really care about the child and want the support to stay in your household? Yes, at age 12, she will have some say in the matter. Oh yeah, did I say this is between the girl and *her parents* and it's not your place to interfere? "We" discipline--Why on earth are you disciplining your wife's children? === |
#7
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote in message news:Qzgdj.29659$DP1.1615@pd7urf2no... Hi, My wife has sole custody of her two children (aged 12 and 9) from a previous relationship. Their father pays child support, largely due to his insistence in taking my wife to court twice (and losing badly, twice), when my wife would have been happy to settle through mediation. The support payments are managed by British Columbia's Family Maintenance Enforcement Program, which has put an end to humiliating front-door confrontations over finances. The 12 year-old has been going through a particularly difficult transition to her teenage years, and we have experienced several months of increasingly insolent and provocative behaviour from her in an apparent attempt to provoke a confrontation. We do not use corporal punishment, and this dispute mainly centered around issues of courtesy and minor chores--nothing out of the ordinary at all. (We're a pretty boring middle-class professional family.) We have been in contact with our daughter's school counsellor, and have ourselves gone to counselling to help develop some parenting strategies for this difficult time. Three weeks ago, she finally managed to provoke her mother into a major confrontation, and took that as her pretext to pack her bags, even though we asked her not to. She has gone to live with her father (who had similar problems with her last year and even asked to end his OWN access to her at the time). He is now exultantly claiming that he has effective custody of her, even though the court order is still in effect and we have made it clear we would like her to come back home. He also claims that she is now able to choose where she will live, and has chosen to live with him permanently (he lives by choice in a one-room studio apartment). He is even threatening to go to court in an attempt to gain sole custody of BOTH children if my wife does not agree voluntarily to relieve him of his court-ordered child support obligations. So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? - Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)? - At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter? From reading this group, I know this kind of thing is a politically charged topic for many people. I urge you not to think of our situation in this way; the father in this case has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and appears to care far less about his children than he does about getting revenge on my wife and removing his child-support obligations, which he regards as a humiliating aspersion on his character. Thanks. It really is good advice to let the parents of the child handle the matter. I am sure you are trying to help, but the court will insist on hearing from the parents, and will call you a stranger to the case. Her daughter will, undoubtedly, get tired of living in a one room apartment soon enough. The anger will die down and she will begin to think things through. If the dad wants custody, he will be able to file for it whereever the child lives, so getting her back home with mom will not necessarily forestall him. Relax a little, and let things settle down, and let the parents work thongs out. You are there to be a support to your wife--not to handle matters yourself, as much as you might want to. BTW, I have 13 and 14 year old daughters, and I can tell you that they do have their moments. TEll your wife to hang in there--it does get better. |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote in message news:Qzgdj.29659$DP1.1615@pd7urf2no... So, my questions are these: - Is there an easy and reasonably non-inflammatory way we can put an end to this drama and have our daughter come back home? Sure. Stop playing the substitute dad role and recognize you can never replace her real dad no matter what you do. - Are 12 year-olds allowed to decide where they want to live (outside of a custody hearing, that is)? No. But a mature 12 year old can influenece the court's decision on custody at a future hearing. - At what point is my wife considered to have forfeited her court-ordered custody of her daughter? When the court says so. A 12 year old child could care less about court ordered custody. They are seeking a safe-haven and a comfortable living environment. It doesn't sound like she has that with you and her mom. |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent.(BC, Canada)
on 28-December-2007 10:17 PM teachrmama said the following:
It really is good advice to let the parents of the child handle the matter. I am sure you are trying to help, but the court will insist on hearing from the parents, and will call you a stranger to the case. Her daughter will, undoubtedly, get tired of living in a one room apartment soon enough. The anger will die down and she will begin to think things through. If the dad wants custody, he will be able to file for it whereever the child lives, so getting her back home with mom will not necessarily forestall him. Relax a little, and let things settle down, and let the parents work thongs out. You are there to be a support to your wife--not to handle matters yourself, as much as you might want to. BTW, I have 13 and 14 year old daughters, and I can tell you that they do have their moments. TEll your wife to hang in there--it does get better. Thank you for your measured response. I really should have written this from my wife's perspective so you all wouldn't get distracted by your own preconceptions of the situation. Thing is, she doesn't know much about Usenet, so I figured I'd ask these questions on her behalf. She is asking these questions, and on the eve of the weekend, with most of the regular formal counselling channels closed for a couple of days, I thought of asking informally on this newsgroup. I understand the situation pretty well, so there's no need for the parade of high horses. |
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Question: 12 year-old runs away to live with non-custodial parent. (BC, Canada)
"MGL" wrote in message news:fisdj.36607$DP1.25299@pd7urf2no... on 28-December-2007 10:17 PM teachrmama said the following: It really is good advice to let the parents of the child handle the matter. I am sure you are trying to help, but the court will insist on hearing from the parents, and will call you a stranger to the case. Her daughter will, undoubtedly, get tired of living in a one room apartment soon enough. The anger will die down and she will begin to think things through. If the dad wants custody, he will be able to file for it whereever the child lives, so getting her back home with mom will not necessarily forestall him. Relax a little, and let things settle down, and let the parents work thongs out. You are there to be a support to your wife--not to handle matters yourself, as much as you might want to. BTW, I have 13 and 14 year old daughters, and I can tell you that they do have their moments. TEll your wife to hang in there--it does get better. Thank you for your measured response. I really should have written this from my wife's perspective so you all wouldn't get distracted by your own preconceptions of the situation. Thing is, she doesn't know much about Usenet, so I figured I'd ask these questions on her behalf. She is asking these questions, and on the eve of the weekend, with most of the regular formal counselling channels closed for a couple of days, I thought of asking informally on this newsgroup. I understand the situation pretty well, so there's no need for the parade of high horses. Everybody has the situation pegged pretty accurately except you. |
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