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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
I am having a really rough time with my almost 3-month-old daughter
Charlotte. I have read The Fussy Baby Book, and I believe she is what Dr. Sears calls a high-needs baby. Knowing that makes her a little easier to deal with, because at least I know it's her personality, not anything that I am doing wrong. We always respond to her cries right away. We don't co-sleep but she sleeps in a cradle about 5 feet from our bed. She was slow to gain weight the first two months, but then I started supplementing with formula (first milk-based, now soy formula on my mother's recommendation) and she is gaining about 8-10 ounces a week now. I have been around babies a lot, (including my siblings who are 17, 19 and 21 years younger) and I have never known a baby like her. I have tried to describe her in detail below, in the hopes that someone can help me. Charlotte is: Fussy Even when she is not hungry, tired, or uncomfortable in any way that I can tell, she still tends to whimper and cry. I try to make sure she is well rested and well fed and then I try to play with her and she usually doesn't enjoy it. It doesn't seem to be gas from what I can tell and she's not even 3 months yet, so I don't think she could be teething. Drowsy but resists sleep Tends to fall asleep while nursing, but wakes up screaming the minute the breast is removed from her mouth. If she seems sleepy I try to get her to settle her down for a nap and she just fusses and tugs at her ears and hair to stay awake unless I swaddle her. To get her to fall asleep she needs to be stuffed full of milk, swaddled tightly in a blanket (or lying down in the sling) and bounced or rocked for 15-30 minutes. Then if I put her down in the cradle she usually wakes up and I have to start all over again. She'll stay asleep in the sling, but only if I keep walking or bouncing. The minute I sit down to catch my breath, she's awake and crying. Loud Her cry is not the normal "Hey, I need something," cry. When she cries you would swear someone was sticking pins in her or that she was starving to death (even when she's just had 5 ounces of formula and has only been asleep for 30 minutes). She doesn't whimper and then cry and then scream if she's not tended to. She starts screaming immediately. High-maintenance She always wants to be held. It is impossible, even when she is well-fed and well-rested to put her down in a swing or bouncy seat for more than 5 minutes at a time – if that. If I want to use the bathroom, sometimes I can just run there and back before she starts crying. Sometimes I just have to let her cry. Dramatic If the breast or bottle comes out of her mouth (through my doing or her own) she doesn't just whimper or cry that she wants it back, she screams bloody murder. Demanding If she is not being fed, she needs to not only be held, but insists on being bounced or rocked. She hates being still. It is exhausting constantly having to pass her back and forth with DH – and even more exhausting when I am alone with her all day. The only option I have is to put her in the sling and wear her all day. But I can't pump, or do dishes or wash baby bottles or my breast pump with her in the sling, and she only stays content in the sling if I am constantly moving. If I sit down she wakes up and starts to cry. Plus it is summer time and we both are dripping with sweat after a few minutes. Insatiable She will nurse and then take a supplemental bottle of EBM or formula (I am having supply issues). She will act totally full. I will burp her and then offer the bottle again. Sometimes she takes a little more, sometimes not. She starts acting full, sleepy, and a bit fussy, so naturally I think, "nap time" but 9 times out of 10 she's up again in 15-20 minutes acting like it's been hours since she ate. Unpredictable Our days are spent in an endless circuit of breast then bottle, burp, bounce, play (try to), change diaper, attempt a nap, nurse again, offer bottle, try pacifier, toys, singing, shushing, swaddling, etc. Some things will work for 5 minutes, some for 10 minutes, some not at all. I just keep trying things until I figure out what works and then when it stops working I try something else. Frustrating I get so upset sometimes because I can't make her happy and I can't figure out what she wants. Sometimes it seems like all she wants to do is cry. Sometimes nothing works. I try everything and then I try again and nothing works. At those times I just put her down in her cradle and go in the other room and scream into a pillow. Sensitive She loves things that are stimulating: toys, TV, the view out the window, busy patterned fabric, etc. But after a few minutes of any of these she becomes so overstimulated that she starts to cry. This is partly why we spend so much time at home, because we live in NYC and when we go out she gets so overstimulated and upset by the sounds and sights of the neighborhood. Intelligent She seems very alert when she is having a rare non-fussy moment. She has excellent hearing and eyesight, and is responsive to different faces and voices. Happy (when the stars are in proper alignment) When she is happy, she has the most amazing smile. She crinkles up her nose and sticks out her tongue and it is to die for cute. Strong She has excellent muscle tone now that she is gaining weight faster. She is driven to always exercise, whether it's kicking her legs or trying to stand. Not Affectionate When I was pregnant I had visions of snuggling and nursing with my baby but she is not like that. She isn't a very good nurser, she has a weak suck, and since we introduced bottles she has gotten even lazier at breastfeeding. I can't just lay in the bed and snuggle with her because she needs to always be bouncing or rocking. When she wakes up crying from a nap it does no good to speak to her in a soothing voice or hug her or anything. It doesn't comfort her at all. The only thing that works is the breast, and she doesn't even nurse properly and usually dozes off after a minute or two. When she first wakes up her body goes stiff as a board, she screams at the top of her lungs, and won't make eye contact. I'll put my face up to hers and say, "It's okay, mama's here, you're okay, I've got you," etc. and she looks to the left of my face and if I turn her she moves her eyes the other way to look past my face to the right, but she won't look right at me. Please help us if you can I have been managing on 3-5 hours of sleep in each 24-hour period for 3 months now, and I am starting to go crazy. I rarely leave the house and when I do it is usually a terrible experience. I love her to pieces and I want to make her happy and I feel like I am failing miserably at my job of being a mother, a role I have longed for my whole life (I'm 31). I don't have time to do anything, I even have to leave her crying just to wash out a bottle for her next feeding because she won't sleep and she won't be left alone for even 5 minutes. I am worn out. I welcome any suggestions anybody has. I feel like I've tried everything, but if anyone has had a baby like this and has some ideas, please let me know. I just hope she doesn't have any serious psychological or cognitive disorders that would make her act like this. I had a perfect pregnancy and my whole family (and DH's) is healthy and mentally stable. I have been telling DH for two months that things will get better when she gets a little older, but she doesn't seem to be improving. Please help us. |
#2
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
I don't personally have a high needs baby but know someone who did. This
woman had a very fussy baby and she ended up taking the baby to a chiropractor and she said it's like having a new baby. I've also read article about how chiropractors can help colicky babies. It might be worth a try or at least look into it. Also, you may want to check out misc.kids.breastfeeding regarding your supply issues. Just out of curiosity what do you consider a slow weight gain? How much did she weigh when she was born and how much did she weigh when you began supplementing and how old was she? Was she having lots of wet and poopy diapers? Some babies do tend to gain weight slowly and it has nothing to do with your milk supply. Supplementing your DD with formula is definitely going to affect your supply. I hope things get better for you. It must be hard having a fussy baby. Nadene |
#3
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
I am worn out. I welcome any suggestions anybody has. I feel
like I've tried everything, but if anyone has had a baby like this and has some ideas, please let me know. I just hope she doesn't have any serious psychological or cognitive disorders that would make her act like this. I had a perfect pregnancy and my whole family (and DH's) is healthy and mentally stable. I have been telling DH for two months that things will get better when she gets a little older, but she doesn't seem to be improving. Please help us. I don't have much personal experience -- my baby did refuse to be put down for 3 months, but he was snuggly and not fussy when being held -- but I'm going to suggest a few things based on friends' experiences. One, get some help! Hire a local preteen to come bounce your baby for an hour or two in the afternoon so you can take a nap. Ask your husband to share more of the load. If you can't afford to hire a cleaner, a nanny, or any other help, lean on your friends and family as much as you can. And do try co-sleeping -- it may not work well, but if it does you will get more sleep. You will feel 100 times better and more able to cope after you've gotten a little sleep. Two, see a good lactation consultant. Using formula may be causing or worsening your baby's fussiness and getting her back to the breast would probably help both of you a lot. If you post more details about her "slow weight gain" and feeding pattern at misc.kids.breastfeeding, you will get lots of help. Many moms there have BTDT. FYI, 8-10 ounces a week is quite high, so if you're comparing her former weight gain rate to that, it may not have been as slow as you think. Three, keep trying different things to alternately soothe and entertain your baby. I know a few people who swear by the Baby Mozart videos, even if they had previously banished all TV from their home. :-) Find places you can go where a fussy baby won't bother anyone (except you), because you have got to be going stir crazy staring at the four walls of your apartment all day every day, and try draping a stroller with blankets (to block out 'visual noise') and walking at a brisk pace when she gets overstimulated. And finally, give it some more time. You are probably quite right when you tell your husband that things will just naturally get easier as your baby gets older. Certainly most babies fuss less and become more able/willing to be put down at around 12-16 weeks, and sometimes it happens so suddenly parents say it was like a switch was flipped. So you may see a marked change very soon. Best wishes Holly Mom to Camden, 2.5 yrs |
#5
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
Hope wrote in message . ..
On 11 Aug 2003 21:47:13 -0700, (Vijay) wrote: I am having a really rough time with my almost 3-month-old daughter Charlotte. Hi, just wanted to say that it will get better. My little frog was pretty much as you describe for her first 4 months. I survived by wearing her in her sling pretty much all the time, letting her sleep with my nipple in her mouth (in my lap, or in the sling and we do co-sleep), nursing more or less all the time...at 7.5 months she is a happy, active almost-crawler who will play on the floor for long stretches. She just grew into it gradually. Hang in there!! Hope Thanks everyone for your responses. I tried to make my original post as detailed as possible, to save people the trouble of suggesting things that I've already tried. But of course I didn't want people to have to read a really REALLY long message. I have seen a lactation consultant, and for two weeks before that I tried co-sleeping with her (only works if she sleeps ON my chest, which resulted in a blocked duct and a really stiff neck). Her weight gain was slow because she was a drowsy nurser with poor muscle tone in her mouth. Because she wasn't nursing properly, my supply went down and her weight gain slowed and we went into a spiral. She lost weight the first two weeks after birth, going from 7lbs 4oz to 6lbs 14oz the first week and down to 6lbs 11oz the second week. We weren't getting a good latch and she kept falling asleep. Finally the third week we got better at it and she started gaining. By her 4th week she was back up to 7lbs 6oz. By her 6th week she had only gained 5oz and by her 8th week she had only gained another 2oz. It was then that I decided to see the lactation consultant because I was getting tired of my pediatrician's "wait and see" attitude. She kept saying that Charlotte was "just small" which makes no sense because I am 5'7" and 185lbs and my husband is 5'10" and 250lbs. She started out in the 50th percentile and by 6 weeks was down to the 5th percentile. During the two weeks that I was doing nothing but sleeping with her on the couch and letting her nurse as long as she wanted whenever she wanted, my supply was going down to almost nothing because her suck was getting weaker and weaker. I didn't realize this was happening. I thought dedicating myself to nursing her around the clock was the best thing to do but it didn't work out. I've been using a rented electric pump to get my supply back up. The lactation consultant gave me an SNS and had me come to a special support group for supplementing moms. So we've been on a special program where I nurse Charlotte first, then use the SNS, and then DH gives her a bottle sometimes so I can pump. I've been told to aim for an 8oz gain per week until she gets caught up. She is somewhere around 10.5-11lbs now (haven't had her weighed since a week ago today) at 12 weeks. She would have to go up to 14lbs by 16 weeks to get back into the 50th percentile. I will think about the chiropractor idea. Does anyone know how to go about finding one that knows about infants? I've worked in chiropractic offices before and I don't think some of the doctors I've worked for would know what to do with a baby. She sleeps just fine in the cradle at night (one 3-4 hour nap and then another 2-3 hours) so I'll try co-sleeping during the day for naps. Because I only get to spend time with DH at night, I can't always sleep when she sleeps. Plus she gets REALLY fussy if she doesn't nap during the day but it's so hard to get her to stay asleep. I'll crank up the AC and try the sling and co-sleeping. And I'll cling to the idea that she'll get better over the next month or two. Thanks again for your helpful responses. -V. |
#6
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
I had similar problems with Belle (now 20 months), I had a sudden drop in
milk supply at about 8 weeks old due to health problems on my part and that's when it started. We had to put Belle on nutramgen (sp?) everything else gave her horrible gas and intestinal problems. You may want to talk to your ped about the formula as it could have something to do with all this. Even a little bit of something that upsets her tummy can cause a world of problems. "Vijay" wrote in message om... Charlotte is: Fussy Even when she is not hungry, tired, or uncomfortable in any way that I can tell, she still tends to whimper and cry. snip I try to play with her and she usually doesn't enjoy it. ** Could be colic, I think I've tried to block out the entire time Belle had colic but she survived and so did I. You say later on that she's easily overstimulated, your attempts to play with her may cause more of that. I would watch it to see if there's a pattern and then adjust how you're handling it. Drowsy but resists sleep Tends to fall asleep while nursing, but wakes up screaming the minute the breast is removed from her mouth. If she seems sleepy I try to get her to settle her down for a nap and she just fusses and tugs at her ears and hair to stay awake unless I swaddle her. ** My first was like this. Co-sleeping did make it easier. Belle needed to be swaddled until she was nearly 6 months old, but it worked and we all got some (much needed) sleep. Loud Her cry is not the normal "Hey, I need something," cry. When she cries you would swear someone was sticking pins in her or that she was starving to death (even when she's just had 5 ounces of formula and has only been asleep for 30 minutes). She doesn't whimper and then cry and then scream if she's not tended to. She starts screaming immediately. ** This could just be her personality, or it could be a sign that there is something bugging her (tummy) My darling little princess has a scream that I'm sure has done some sort of perment damage to my ears - she's just that way. High-maintenance She always wants to be held. It is impossible, even when she is well-fed and well-rested to put her down in a swing or bouncy seat for more than 5 minutes at a time - if that. If I want to use the bathroom, sometimes I can just run there and back before she starts crying. Sometimes I just have to let her cry. ** I think for the first 5 months if my first wasn't in the sling he was sleeping with me, I had the bouncy seat in the bathroom - if I had to leave the room he was with me. He grew out of it and I eventually was able to shower before 11pm.As she gets bigger it will get easier, I know it doesn't seem that way now but as she figures out what's going on around her she'll more than likely be more content. Dramatic If the breast or bottle comes out of her mouth (through my doing or her own) she doesn't just whimper or cry that she wants it back, she screams bloody murder. ** I personally don't see this as dramatic, it's pretty normal baby behaviour. Then again I live with a full blown drama queen - she'll walk into something because she's not paying attention and then stand there, hand on hip and tell it off. :-) Demanding If she is not being fed, she needs to not only be held, but insists on being bounced or rocked. She hates being still. It is exhausting constantly having to pass her back and forth with DH - and even more exhausting when I am alone with her all day. The only option I have is to put her in the sling and wear her all day. But I can't pump, or do dishes or wash baby bottles or my breast pump with her in the sling, and she only stays content in the sling if I am constantly moving. If I sit down she wakes up and starts to cry. Plus it is summer time and we both are dripping with sweat after a few minutes. ** This is so familiar! We actually got Belle used to the swing a little after 3 months and once she figured out it was moving she loved it! We had the Fisher Price cradle swing that could swing side to side, she hated front to back, but on side to side she'd fall asleep and stay asleep for hours. She would scream in the car if we had to stop at a light but as soon as we were moving again, life was good. She's still in a state of constant motion. Insatiable She will nurse and then take a supplemental bottle of EBM or formula (I am having supply issues). She will act totally full. I will burp her and then offer the bottle again. Sometimes she takes a little more, sometimes not. She starts acting full, sleepy, and a bit fussy, so naturally I think, "nap time" but 9 times out of 10 she's up again in 15-20 minutes acting like it's been hours since she ate. ** Possible growth spurt, growing and changing is a lot of hard work and requires lots of fuel. Unpredictable Our days are spent in an endless circuit of breast then bottle, burp, bounce, play (try to), change diaper, attempt a nap, nurse again, offer bottle, try pacifier, toys, singing, shushing, swaddling, etc. Some things will work for 5 minutes, some for 10 minutes, some not at all. I just keep trying things until I figure out what works and then when it stops working I try something else. ** That's life with a baby, it's not predictable. Not Affectionate When I was pregnant I had visions of snuggling and nursing with my baby but she is not like that. She isn't a very good nurser, she has a weak suck, and since we introduced bottles she has gotten even lazier at breastfeeding. I can't just lay in the bed and snuggle with her because she needs to always be bouncing or rocking. When she wakes up crying from a nap it does no good to speak to her in a soothing voice or hug her or anything. It doesn't comfort her at all. The only thing that works is the breast, and she doesn't even nurse properly and usually dozes off after a minute or two. When she first wakes up her body goes stiff as a board, she screams at the top of her lungs, and won't make eye contact. I'll put my face up to hers and say, "It's okay, mama's here, you're okay, I've got you," etc. and she looks to the left of my face and if I turn her she moves her eyes the other way to look past my face to the right, but she won't look right at me. ** She is affectionate though, she wants to be close to you in the sling, she gets mad when she's not nursing, it's not the vision *you* had of what it would be like, but that's what it's like with your daughter. At this age it's not about kind words and soothing touch, that doesn't mean anything to a three month old, being cuddled up close in a sling can make a world of difference. Go back and read what you wrote about her, you gave yourself a lot of the answers. It will get easier. Jess mommy to: Boo 11/96 and Belle 12/01 |
#7
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
"Vijay" wrote in message om... Hope wrote in message . .. On 11 Aug 2003 21:47:13 -0700, (Vijay) wrote: I am having a really rough time with my almost 3-month-old daughter Charlotte. Hi, just wanted to say that it will get better. My little frog was pretty much as you describe for her first 4 months. I survived by wearing her in her sling pretty much all the time, letting her sleep with my nipple in her mouth (in my lap, or in the sling and we do co-sleep), nursing more or less all the time...at 7.5 months she is a happy, active almost-crawler who will play on the floor for long stretches. She just grew into it gradually. Hang in there!! Hope Thanks everyone for your responses. I tried to make my original post as detailed as possible, to save people the trouble of suggesting things that I've already tried. But of course I didn't want people to have to read a really REALLY long message. I have seen a lactation consultant, and for two weeks before that I tried co-sleeping with her (only works if she sleeps ON my chest, which resulted in a blocked duct and a really stiff neck). Her weight gain was slow because she was a drowsy nurser with poor muscle tone in her mouth. Because she wasn't nursing properly, my supply went down and her weight gain slowed and we went into a spiral. She lost weight the first two weeks after birth, going from 7lbs 4oz to 6lbs 14oz the first week and down to 6lbs 11oz the second week. We weren't getting a good latch and she kept falling asleep. Finally the third week we got better at it and she started gaining. By her 4th week she was back up to 7lbs 6oz. By her 6th week she had only gained 5oz and by her 8th week she had only gained another 2oz. It was then that I decided to see the lactation consultant because I was getting tired of my pediatrician's "wait and see" attitude. She kept saying that Charlotte was "just small" which makes no sense because I am 5'7" and 185lbs and my husband is 5'10" and 250lbs. She started out in the 50th percentile and by 6 weeks was down to the 5th percentile. During the two weeks that I was doing nothing but sleeping with her on the couch and letting her nurse as long as she wanted whenever she wanted, my supply was going down to almost nothing because her suck was getting weaker and weaker. I didn't realize this was happening. I thought dedicating myself to nursing her around the clock was the best thing to do but it didn't work out. I've been using a rented electric pump to get my supply back up. The lactation consultant gave me an SNS and had me come to a special support group for supplementing moms. So we've been on a special program where I nurse Charlotte first, then use the SNS, and then DH gives her a bottle sometimes so I can pump. I've been told to aim for an 8oz gain per week until she gets caught up. She is somewhere around 10.5-11lbs now (haven't had her weighed since a week ago today) at 12 weeks. She would have to go up to 14lbs by 16 weeks to get back into the 50th percentile. I will think about the chiropractor idea. Does anyone know how to go about finding one that knows about infants? I've worked in chiropractic offices before and I don't think some of the doctors I've worked for would know what to do with a baby. She sleeps just fine in the cradle at night (one 3-4 hour nap and then another 2-3 hours) so I'll try co-sleeping during the day for naps. Because I only get to spend time with DH at night, I can't always sleep when she sleeps. Plus she gets REALLY fussy if she doesn't nap during the day but it's so hard to get her to stay asleep. I'll crank up the AC and try the sling and co-sleeping. And I'll cling to the idea that she'll get better over the next month or two. Thanks again for your helpful responses. -V. Wow! Good for you for sticking with breastfeeding. A lot of women would have given up totally. Hang in there your baby will more than likely learn to suck more efficiently. There are other things you can take for supply (oatmeal, fenugreek, domperidone by prescription) you may want to consider these as well. As for the chiropractor idea (I was the one who suggested it) I would just go to your local yellow pages and call each chiropractor one by one and ask them if they know how to treat colicky infants. http://www.chiroweb.com/find/tellmeabout/colic.html I'm not sure where you live but with the above link you can find chiropractors in the US, Canada and Australia. Hope this helps! Nadene |
#8
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
"Vijay" wrote in message . com... I am having a really rough time with my almost 3-month-old daughter Charlotte. I have read The Fussy Baby Book, and I believe she is what Dr. Sears calls a high-needs baby. Knowing that makes her a little easier to deal with, because at least I know it's her personality, not anything that I am doing wrong. Yes. If it cheers you up any, it DOESN'T mean that she will be a difficult person forever. My niece was like this, and we used to joke that she just didn't like being a baby. She got much better when she was old enough to play with toys, and better and better as she could crawl and walk. She has remained very high-energy but became an extremely cheerful kid and a great joy to have around (still is, now a teenager). I second the idea of getting someone to help with all the holding, letting you get a nap. For one thing hearing a baby fuss is MUCH less of a problem for an outside person who has had a good night's sleep and knows they can give the baby back after an hour or two. They can handle it very easily for that long because they don't get all worn down. I did this with my niece many times (probably not as much as I should have!). --Helen |
#9
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
Both of mine were quite similar until somewhere between 6-12 months of age. It
does get better - hard to imagine now, I know. Just keep responding to her cries, accept her for who she is (maybe she's just not a cuddler, one of mine isn't), and repeat over and over "It will get better". BTW, you do know you shouldn't switch formulas on your mother's rec, right? Unless your mom is a pediatrician, that is :-) Amanda |
#10
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High-Needs Baby: PLEASE HELP (long)
"Vijay" wrote in message
om... I am having a really rough time with my almost 3-month-old daughter Charlotte. snip First of all: I'm impressed you're still on your feet! The first three months after DS was born, I was a wreck, and DS was a model baby! From the things you wrote, I get the feeling that what Charlotte needs to be calm and relaxed, is a steady rhytm, be it sound (tv, the sound of your heart when she's sleeping on your chest, the sound of yours and your DH's breathing at night) or motion (bouncing, rocking). One of the reasons DS slept so well, was a ticking alarmclock in his room. When we forgot to wind it in time and it stopped, he would not calm down, would not go to sleep, wouldn't do anything but cry and fuss. I was a volunteer with an animal rescue center for a long time, and with orphaned very young animals the alarmclock was the one thing that always worked to keep them calm and relaxed. It reminds young, newborn mammals (dogs, cats, but human babies also) of the sound of their mother's heartbeat. That's the sound they hear all the time when they are still in the womb, and while in the womb everything was safe and secure. Ofcourse there's no guarantee this will help Charlotte to get more relaxed, but there is no harm in putting a loudly ticking alarmclock near her when she's supposed to calm down and get to sleep. Just don't make the mistake DH made once (only once...): he accidentally set the alarm to go off somewhere around 4 am...... Well... at least we were all awake.... HTH Babs -- Got the swing, got the sway, got my straw in lemonade http://www.babsje.nl |
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