A Room of One's Own

Anne Rogers wrote:

I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.

I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.

To be perfectly honest, I think at that stage of one's
life, it's time to buck up. You're making the transition to
adulthood. If your parents still have a place for you and welcome
you home during school breaks, the fact that they haven't enshrined
your childhood room for posterity shouldn't be an issue (in my
opinion). I also think that needing to have one's childhood room
enshrined is probably an indication of a larger problem at work.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Anne Rogers says...


I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.

I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.

A magazine I picked up yesterday at the doctors office had some real
life stories of women who are turned their lives around, one had been
bulimic, in her account of how that started, she included coming home
for christmas after the first term of college to find her room
converted. I think I'd want to tread very carefully in this area.

I taught first year college students for 5 years and I think it's a very
intense time of life, potentially a very unstable one and one that
different people handle very differently, it's also a time when young
adults are wanting to prove their independence and create a life for
themselves, so it may well be harder to get to the bottom of their
emotions and feelings surrounding rooms and space. There is enough
interweaving of needs and emotions that the face value logic may well
not turn out to be the best solution.

Well, yeah. It's taking over what once was one's own, a bit too quick, as if
there was a thought all along that that room could be put to better use, and the
adult child was just taking up needed space. It's human. Like the reaction if
a lover who left got another lover right away, vs. after a few months. Makes a
person feel all the more dumped. Even though it makes no practical difference.

Remember that carpet ad? I think it got changed a bit as it was a bit heavy on
the "good he's finally gone" bit at the beginning.

In my growing up my family moved while I was in college; it wasn't really an
issue (more a matter of other circumstances driving things vs. underlying
attitudes being really clear), but, jees, think about it. I plan to make some
repairs and repainting (same colors), and thoroughly clean my son's bedroom and
downstairs den/hobby area as soon as he's in college. But taking right over and
converting the areas and making him something like a guest in the home where he
grew up would be a bit cold.

Banty

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

Anne Rogers wrote:

I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.

I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.

To be perfectly honest, I think at that stage of one's
life, it's time to buck up. You're making the transition to
adulthood. If your parents still have a place for you and welcome
you home during school breaks, the fact that they haven't enshrined
your childhood room for posterity shouldn't be an issue (in my
opinion). I also think that needing to have one's childhood room
enshrined is probably an indication of a larger problem at work.


I think it's a matter of timing. Transition times are good. And most adult
kids have some back-and-forth during the first years - a place to crash if the
new roommate doesn't turn out to be so pleasant, college breaks, etc.

Now if there is some pressing need like an elder moving in, that would be a
factor. But coming home to a bedroom turned into a home office, for the holiday
break freshman year of college would be a bit chilling to most young people I
think.

Banty

Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
Anne Rogers wrote:
I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.
I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.
To be perfectly honest, I think at that stage of one's
life, it's time to buck up. You're making the transition to
adulthood. If your parents still have a place for you and welcome
you home during school breaks, the fact that they haven't enshrined
your childhood room for posterity shouldn't be an issue (in my
opinion). I also think that needing to have one's childhood room
enshrined is probably an indication of a larger problem at work.


I think it's a matter of timing. Transition times are good. And most adult
kids have some back-and-forth during the first years - a place to crash if the
new roommate doesn't turn out to be so pleasant, college breaks, etc.

Now if there is some pressing need like an elder moving in, that would be a
factor. But coming home to a bedroom turned into a home office, for the holiday
break freshman year of college would be a bit chilling to most young people I
think.

Well, and I doubt that most parents would be moving fast
enough to have all that accomplished so quickly anyway ;-) But
I don't think expecting that the childhood room will be the same
upon graduation from college is all that reasonable either, much
less for years beyond that. I mean really, how adult is it to
expect that your parents will have rooms in their house sitting
unused for nine months out of every year?
I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
Anne Rogers wrote:
I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.
I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.
To be perfectly honest, I think at that stage of one's
life, it's time to buck up. You're making the transition to
adulthood. If your parents still have a place for you and welcome
you home during school breaks, the fact that they haven't enshrined
your childhood room for posterity shouldn't be an issue (in my
opinion). I also think that needing to have one's childhood room
enshrined is probably an indication of a larger problem at work.


I think it's a matter of timing. Transition times are good. And most adult
kids have some back-and-forth during the first years - a place to crash if the
new roommate doesn't turn out to be so pleasant, college breaks, etc.

Now if there is some pressing need like an elder moving in, that would be a
factor. But coming home to a bedroom turned into a home office, for the holiday
break freshman year of college would be a bit chilling to most young people I
think.

Well, and I doubt that most parents would be moving fast
enough to have all that accomplished so quickly anyway ;-) But
I don't think expecting that the childhood room will be the same
upon graduation from college is all that reasonable either, much
less for years beyond that. I mean really, how adult is it to
expect that your parents will have rooms in their house sitting
unused for nine months out of every year?


But Anne was referring to during college years, I think.

I think it depends on the particulars and there's a gradation to graduation :-)

By time job applications are going out and the last summer or two were on a trip
abroad and an internship, it would be one thing, the room being converted the
freshman year would be another. Closing the door to being able to live in the
same surroundings while working the first summer in the old home town, for
example. I think Anne is referring to parents who pull the empty-nest switch a
little too quick as in "yahoo they're gone".

I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

Well, no of course not. Again, it depends on the particulars. Losing a room to
an elder moving in or a little sister finally getting a bedroom to herself would
be quite a different feeling from coming home to find a seldom used guest room
with totally changed decor.

People *do* do those things to purge someone, you know. One of my immediate
neighbor's marriage broke up in a huge dramatic scene with the spouse and kiddos
hastily packing up to move far away Once the husband got over the shock and
lawyered up, he painted the lilac out of the dining room and the pink out of the
master bedroom and changed window coverings in just those rooms. And its not
like he's normally a HGTV-watching kind of guy (by a long shot.) He was making
a psychological change. The kiddos' rooms are staying just as they are (for
their future re-occupation, he intends).

Banty

On Feb 14, 1:37�pm, Banty wrote:


I think it depends on the particulars and there's a gradation to graduation �:-)

By time job applications are going out and the last summer or two were on a trip
abroad and an internship, it would be one thing, the room being converted the
freshman year would be another. �Closing the door to being able to live in the
same surroundings while working the first summer in the old home town, for
example. �I think Anne is referring to parents who pull the empty-nest switch a
little too quick as in "yahoo they're gone".


My parents *rented* my room as soon as I went to college. I didn't
mind that much myself, but I could easily see how someone could. My
friends all thought it was pretty cold.

--Helen

Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
Anne Rogers wrote:
I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.
I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.
To be perfectly honest, I think at that stage of one's
life, it's time to buck up. You're making the transition to
adulthood. If your parents still have a place for you and welcome
you home during school breaks, the fact that they haven't enshrined
your childhood room for posterity shouldn't be an issue (in my
opinion). I also think that needing to have one's childhood room
enshrined is probably an indication of a larger problem at work.

I think it's a matter of timing. Transition times are good. And most adult
kids have some back-and-forth during the first years - a place to crash if the
new roommate doesn't turn out to be so pleasant, college breaks, etc.

Now if there is some pressing need like an elder moving in, that would be a
factor. But coming home to a bedroom turned into a home office, for the holiday
break freshman year of college would be a bit chilling to most young people I
think.
Well, and I doubt that most parents would be moving fast
enough to have all that accomplished so quickly anyway ;-) But
I don't think expecting that the childhood room will be the same
upon graduation from college is all that reasonable either, much
less for years beyond that. I mean really, how adult is it to
expect that your parents will have rooms in their house sitting
unused for nine months out of every year?

But Anne was referring to during college years, I think.

That's what I mean--if the kid's away at college, then
the room is virtually unused for nine months out of the year
(maybe a little less, depending on the college's schedule).
Obviously, I wasn't suggesting booting the student out if
attending a local college and living at home ;-)
And this example of a child whose parents moved early
into the college career and moved the child's stuff and had
a room, but that wasn't good enough because it didn't *feel*
like "home," well, that's a bit over the top to me. What were
the parents supposed to do?
My family moved just before I went off to college,
so I was only in "my" room for a few weeks before heading
off to college. I can't imagine having my nose out of joint
because the room my parents were graciously providing wasn't
"homey" enough, and I certainly didn't feel like it was
inappropriate for them to make the room more suitable so
that they could have a guest room for the majority of the
year I was away, or a desperately needed office (both my
parents were in college at the same time I was).

People *do* do those things to purge someone, you know.

Sure, and perhaps one might be somewhat justified
if one's parents had rooms out the wazoo such that having
a room unused most of the year made no nevermind. But to
think that one's parents have some obligation to stake out
significant space in the home as largely unusable most of
the year in order to preserve the delicate sensibilities
of a normal, healthy adult whose education the parents are
likely subsidizing is just beyond my comprehension. I'd
agree that if there are larger issues to deal with, then
perhaps one has to proceed with caution, but I just think
it's rather an incredible amount of arrogance and entitlement
to think that everyone else should leave your room as an
untouched shrine when you're not even around to use it most
of the year.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Banty wrote:
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...
Anne Rogers wrote:
I would always want to be able to accommodate my
kids coming home for summers from college or for other
short stints if needed, but I don't feel any need to maintain
their childhood rooms for all eternity (or even a decade or
two). I've got plenty of ways to use those rooms, and I
don't see any reason why they should essentially sit unused
for the better part of the year when I can make better use
of them and still accommodate kids when needed.
I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seems to have
cropped up in several places, the feelings that children have when they
go away to college and return home to find their room converted. I know
we can't hang on to our rooms forever but it seems like there are an
awful lot of negative emotions when a room does get converted as soon as
possible. I know that for the friend whose parents moved very early in
our time at college, although they allocated her a room, moved all her
stuff into it etc. she felt like it wasn't her home, but nor was her
dorm room her home either, I don't think she felt settled until she was
living somewhere year round rather than just term time.
To be perfectly honest, I think at that stage of one's
life, it's time to buck up. You're making the transition to
adulthood. If your parents still have a place for you and welcome
you home during school breaks, the fact that they haven't enshrined
your childhood room for posterity shouldn't be an issue (in my
opinion). I also think that needing to have one's childhood room
enshrined is probably an indication of a larger problem at work.


I think it's a matter of timing. Transition times are good. And most adult
kids have some back-and-forth during the first years - a place to crash if the
new roommate doesn't turn out to be so pleasant, college breaks, etc.

Now if there is some pressing need like an elder moving in, that would be a
factor. But coming home to a bedroom turned into a home office, for the holiday
break freshman year of college would be a bit chilling to most young people I
think.

Well, and I doubt that most parents would be moving fast
enough to have all that accomplished so quickly anyway ;-) But
I don't think expecting that the childhood room will be the same
upon graduation from college is all that reasonable either, much
less for years beyond that. I mean really, how adult is it to
expect that your parents will have rooms in their house sitting
unused for nine months out of every year?
I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. But it was still my room
until she died.

I have kept my children's bedrooms to a certain extent also. We did
move dd#3 into dd#1s room and made dd#3's original room back into a
study after dd#1 graduated from college and moved into a house, but
they weren't usually here at the same time. Mostly that room is the
default guest room, and ds's room is the room for the grandchildren as
it has bunk beds. DD#1 lived here with her husband for a summer in
her old room.

Rosalie B. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. But it was still my room
until she died.

Different strokes, I guess. For myself, I can't make
sense of the idea that a significant portion of my home
should be off limits to more practical uses in order to
maintain a space for children who are grown adults with
homes of their own. Again, I could perhaps make sense of
that if we had more space than we knew what to do with, but
we have good alternative uses for those spaces. I expect
my children to come home during breaks from school, and welcome
them to do so, but I do expect them to fly the nest at some point ;-)
I certainly don't have any hard feelings that my childhood room
no longer exists! I would actually think it rather odd if it
did.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:35:56 -0500, Ericka Kammerer wrote:

Rosalie B. wrote:
Ericka Kammerer wrote:

I wouldn't dismantle the room the day after my child left
for college, but I wouldn't feel compelled to let a room sit
that fallow for years on end while the people living in the
home year round are cramped for space either.

I don't agree. My mom kept my room and my sister's room - and we
returned home for various periods and felt welcomed. Mom did
sometimes let other people stay there, and in one case a student lived
with her for a semester upstairs in my room. But it was still my room
until she died.

Different strokes, I guess. For myself, I can't make
sense of the idea that a significant portion of my home
should be off limits to more practical uses in order to
maintain a space for children who are grown adults with
homes of their own.

I think the key for most people is when the room is converted immediately
when there is no pressing reason and the grown child has just recently
moved out to a dorm or some other temporary college housing and really
doesn't have a "home of their own." Until they actually get a "home of
their own," it is nice to know they actually have a place that feels like
home. A guest room just doesn't feel very inviting to someone who used to
actually live there.

It is different if there is a need, or if more time has elapsed or if the
child has found more permanent housing.