Pre-school finding son too challenging

My DS is a little over 4..never did the terrible twos or even threes
but now that he is four he is really testing his boundaries. Been in
the same pre-school for three years (started at 21 months). Recently,
he really pushes the envelope with listening. The school did not have
a zero tolerance policy kids being physical with one another at
play so during lunch bunch or outdoor play time there was a lot of
roughhousing between the boys. So, now my son participates in this as
normal. The school has now decided (3/4 of the year through) it is
not acceptable and my son is having a hard time realizing this is now
unacceptable behavior.' (You know, roll play as transformers, power
rangers, ninja turtles...which he's never seen at my house but
apparently, through school, knows all about!) and he is constantly
being reprimanded because all the kids are 'getting hurt' (he by
others, others by him). He hasn't figured out the boundaries. This
is also happening with hugging. They always hugged in school,
including the teachers. Now 3/4 through it's unacceptable. Because he
has such a 'large' personality (their words used to describe his
personality takes up the room)...he is being singled out to the point
where they've told me if he doesn't all of a sudden modify his
behaviors he may not be able to come back.

I can't control the school or it's policies although I believe this
late year shift is challenging to all the kids (I'm very well aware
other little boys are doing the same things my son is)...what measures
can I take as a parent to help him adapt. We've accepted our
responsibility because my DH and DS are very phsycial together, lots
of physical play...and maybe our son doesn't realize what he does with
his father cannot automatically be extended to others. Plus, he is
definitely going through the 'not listening' phase.

So the combination of 'the terrible fours' with this shift in policy
(they should have always had a zero tolerance policy)...is creating an
issue all around. Like I said, I can't fix the school (although we
are working together)...what suggestions to you have for us as
parents?

M2M wrote:

So the combination of 'the terrible fours' with this shift in policy
(they should have always had a zero tolerance policy)...is creating an
issue all around. Like I said, I can't fix the school (although we
are working together)...what suggestions to you have for us as
parents?

Call a conference with the director to talk this out.
Ask the director point blank what specific techniques they
are implementing in class to support the behavioral changes
they're requiring. The director should be able to tell you
specifically what clear, defined process they went through to
explain the change in rules to the kids (discussions, stories,
role playing, whatever), and should also be able to tell you
what specific methods they use to help shape behavior when
there are issues. Those should be positive discipline methods,
not just things like time out or other punishments.
If you're not hearing that the school has a clear
and effective program for both of these things, then I'd
keep asking uncomfortable questions and making the director
squirm. While the school should be working in partnership
with you, it's essential to deal with preschoolers' behavior
in the moment. There's only so much you can do from home about
behaviors that occur at school. An effective, high quality
preschool program will have thought through these things and
will have clear policies, procedures, curricula, etc. to
deal with them. If you need further ammunition about
appropriate expectations, you might look at the NAEYC website
(google it...I forget the exact address). They likely have
articles on behavior management, and there will also be
requirements in their accreditation standards.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Mar 2, 8:22*am, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
M2M wrote:
So the combination of 'the terrible fours' with this shift in policy
(they should have always had a zero tolerance policy)...is creating an
issue all around. *Like I said, I can't fix the school (although we
are working together)...what suggestions to you have for us as
parents?

* * * * Call a conference with the director to talk this out.
Ask the director point blank what specific techniques they
are implementing in class to support the behavioral changes
they're requiring. *The director should be able to tell you
specifically what clear, defined process they went through to
explain the change in rules to the kids (discussions, stories,
role playing, whatever), and should also be able to tell you
what specific methods they use to help shape behavior when
there are issues. *Those should be positive discipline methods,
not just things like time out or other punishments.
* * * * If you're not hearing that the school has a clear
and effective program for both of these things, then I'd
keep asking uncomfortable questions and making the director
squirm. *While the school should be working in partnership
with you, it's essential to deal with preschoolers' behavior
in the moment. *There's only so much you can do from home about
behaviors that occur at school. *An effective, high quality
preschool program will have thought through these things and
will have clear policies, procedures, curricula, etc. to
deal with them. *If you need further ammunition about
appropriate expectations, you might look at the NAEYC website
(google it...I forget the exact address). *They likely have
articles on behavior management, and there will also be
requirements in their accreditation standards.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka,

As always, I can count on you for direction. The teacher (who really
is very good with my son) has told me he as expectations of a child
this age....but he has not told me what expectations we should have of
him, ironically. The problem is they caught us up short. We had a
parent/teacher conference just before the President's week break and
they said he had vastly improved with minor incidents....I had to tell
them to institute a rewards program of stickers for days of
appropriate behaviors or days he learned from his behaviors (now they
are telling me they are going to stop it because the other kids wonder
why they are not getting stickers! and because he had one day where he
got mad and called the teacher a 'stupid head'. They consider that
a negation of all the progress he has made over the last months.

This is a private nursery school (accredited) within a religious
institution and they are suffering some growing pains..they were
always very accomodating of individual behaviors before. Now, as they
are getting larger it's becoming an issue. But I am just going to
have to keep their feet to the fire as my son totally gets when he
does bad behaviors and why they are not appropriate....I just wish
they would be more tolerant of his personal growing experience without
being so threatening because they are incapable of handling it
accordingly.

On Sun, 2 Mar 2008 06:38:49 -0800 (PST), M2M wrote:

they said he had vastly improved with minor incidents....I had to tell
them to institute a rewards program of stickers for days of
appropriate behaviors or days he learned from his behaviors (now they
are telling me they are going to stop it because the other kids wonder
why they are not getting stickers!

Why don't they just use it for all students?

On Mar 2, 11:47*am, toypup wrote:
On Sun, 2 Mar 2008 06:38:49 -0800 (PST), M2M wrote:
they said he had vastly improved with minor incidents....I had to tell
them to institute a rewards program of stickers for days of
appropriate behaviors or days he learned from his behaviors (now they
are telling me they are going to stop it because the other kids wonder
why they are not getting stickers!

Why don't they just use it for all students?

The claim is the other children give what is required of them 'with
abundance" not the meager offerings my child gives the teacher. The
teacher has a flair for the dramatic but the point was, why reward my
son for behaviors the other children do as a matter of
course....expected behaviors.

I've decided to write letter to the director, not one of criticism,
but one of clarification...the fact their policies are not stated
creates confusion for the teachers, the parents and the children
because there is no uniformity and the parents are not 'partners' in
the child's experience. Any thoughts?

M2M wrote:

The teacher (who really
is very good with my son) has told me he as expectations of a child
this age....but he has not told me what expectations we should have of
him, ironically. The problem is they caught us up short. We had a
parent/teacher conference just before the President's week break and
they said he had vastly improved with minor incidents....I had to tell
them to institute a rewards program of stickers for days of
appropriate behaviors or days he learned from his behaviors (now they
are telling me they are going to stop it because the other kids wonder
why they are not getting stickers!

Oh, for Pete's sake. From the beginning they could have
involved the entire class in the program, or they could have let
you maintain the sticker chart and just send the information
home with you each day. They should have more tricks up their
sleeves than reward charts anyway.

and because he had one day where he
got mad and called the teacher a 'stupid head'. They consider that
a negation of all the progress he has made over the last months.

They should know better than that, too. Obviously,
that's not an appropriate behavior, but one moment of losing
one's temper doesn't negate months of progress.

This is a private nursery school (accredited) within a religious
institution and they are suffering some growing pains..

That's probably your issue. By whom are they accredited?
If it's NAEYC, they may be under a lot of stress with reaccreditation.
They've only recently started accrediting under the new standards,
and many schools are finding it challenging to get their program
up to standards. They may be reacting to that situation by
clamping down on the students, even though that's totally not
in line with the accreditation standards. They may feel like
their kids have to "show" perfectly when the evaluation teams
are in because they think that inappropriate behaviors will imply
that they haven't been doing the right things in the classrooms.

they were
always very accomodating of individual behaviors before. Now, as they
are getting larger it's becoming an issue. But I am just going to
have to keep their feet to the fire as my son totally gets when he
does bad behaviors and why they are not appropriate....I just wish
they would be more tolerant of his personal growing experience without
being so threatening because they are incapable of handling it
accordingly.

Certainly it's important for them to deal with inappropriate
behaviors rather than letting them slide, but they need an effective
plan.

Best wishes,
Ericka

M2M wrote:

I've decided to write letter to the director, not one of criticism,
but one of clarification...the fact their policies are not stated
creates confusion for the teachers, the parents and the children
because there is no uniformity and the parents are not 'partners' in
the child's experience. Any thoughts?

I would do it face to face, myself. A letter may really
put them on the defensive, which won't help anyone. If they are
NAEYC accredited, they are required to have their policies on
how to handle behavioral issues documented. Ask to see the
policy and have a discussion about whether it's being implemented
consistently. You might even find that the director is already
on board with the idea that some teachers aren't implementing
appropriate techniques in this area and you may be able to
work well with him or her to bring about some changes in your
child's classroom. If you don't get effective action promptly,
then follow up with a letter. If you get effective action, follow
up with a letter of thanks. (The accreditation teams review these
sorts of things, so they'll be appreciative of the letters. Well,
they might not be appreciative if you have to write a letter to
prod them into action, but hopefully it will at least get them
moving.)

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Mar 2, 2:32*pm, Ericka Kammerer wrote:
M2M wrote:
I've decided to write *letter to the director, not one of criticism,
but one of clarification...the fact their policies are not stated
creates confusion for the teachers, the parents and the children
because there is no uniformity and the parents are not 'partners' in
the child's experience. *Any thoughts?

* * * * I would do it face to face, myself. *A letter may really
put them on the defensive, which won't help anyone. *If they are
NAEYC accredited, they are required to have their policies on
how to handle behavioral issues documented. *Ask to see the
policy and have a discussion about whether it's being implemented
consistently. *You might even find that the director is already
on board with the idea that some teachers aren't implementing
appropriate techniques in this area and you may be able to
work well with him or her to bring about some changes in your
child's classroom. *If you don't get effective action promptly,
then follow up with a letter. *If you get effective action, follow
up with a letter of thanks. *(The accreditation teams review these
sorts of things, so they'll be appreciative of the letters. *Well,
they might not be appreciative if you have to write a letter to
prod them into action, but hopefully it will at least get them
moving.)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka,

I have written a very supportive, nice letter. The only reason I am
doing it this way is we leave for a two week vacation after his last
day, Monday. I ask they take the time to consider what I've presented
and look forward to a positive and productive conference with them
upon my return to discuss what 'next steps' they plan to take to
encourage my son's continued success at the school. Otherwise, when I
return we first have to get the ball rolling and I want my son to come
back to a more positive experience.

Thanks for your input. I'm going to check out the site you
recommended.

Kindest,

On Sun, 2 Mar 2008 01:12:51 -0800 (PST), M2M
wrote:

.he is being singled out to the point
where they've told me if he doesn't all of a sudden modify his
behaviors he may not be able to come back.

You may want to share some articles on superhero play with the school.
While the play needs to be modified to keep it safe, it is very
important for children to have these opportunities because it makes
them feel powerful.


http://www.hi.com.au/eec/super_case.htm


Superhero play

This topic is a Contemporary Issue identified in Chapter 5, Play and
the Developing Child, of Exploring Early Childhood. It defines
superhero play, outlines the benefits of superhero play to children's
development, and discusses ways parents and other carers can
successfully manage the superhero play of children.
What is superhero play?

Superhero play is a form of creative or pretend play in which children
imitate action heroes that they admire. In a child's social and moral
development, 'good guy versus bad guy' play is normal and important.

Canadian child development expert June Meyer (1993) suggests that
there are two types of superhero play: one involves children playing
with commercial figures or dolls of superheroes, and the other is
dramatic play where children use props and dress up in clothes. Meyer
believes dramatic play should be encouraged. Figurine play is limiting
and the toys are predictable and often dull a child's own imagination.
In the dramatic form, children organise a drama and use their
imagination and skills to create a game.

Preschool-aged children enjoy superhero play, with the most intense
interest shown by four to five-year-olds, according to Booth Church
(2004). Preschoolers are not in control of their lives. The rules are
set for them and adults make decisions for them. Superhero play, where
they imitate heroes who overcome any obstacles they face, helps
children to establish their own identity. They are beginning to
understand the difference between good and evil, and they are keen to
identify with the 'good' characters as they struggle to stop
themselves from doing 'naughty' things.

Sometimes parents and carers become concerned that superhero play, by
its dramatic nature, can become too aggressive or disruptive. If
properly supervised, however, superhero play can be a great stimulus
of imagination and allow children to use up energy.
Benefits of superhero play

* This form of dramatic play, centering on themes of good and bad,
friends and enemies, and power and vulnerability, helps children to
learn the difference between these concepts, understand rules and
control their naughty impulses.
* Preschoolers feel relatively powerless as they are expected to
follow rules and listen to adults. They can 'try on' power from both
sides: the frightening negative side of the 'bad guy' and the warm
positive side of the 'good guy'. They gain control over fears by
experiencing both sides of power play. Superhero play allows children
to feel more in control and face their fears such as bedwetting,
monsters, animals, going to childcare, or parents divorcing.
* Pretending to be a brave superhero can help children imagine
what frightening experiences are like and be more comfortable trying
new things. It gives them courage and strength. For example, children
may insist on wearing a Superman costume to make them feel safe and in
control.
* Young children can use superhero play to help make sense of
confusing experiences and understand their place in the world. It
helps children establish their own individuality.
* Superhero play helps children develop problem-solving skills as
they examine lots of possible solutions to a problem.
* Children learn about cooperation and team work as they sequence
a story together, negotiate how play will proceed, and solve problems
as a group.
* As with other forms of pretend play, superhero play helps
children use and develop language skills. Their vocabulary is expanded
as they interact with other children and supervising adults.
* Superhero play assists children's socialisation. Curtis (2003)
explains that children who are involved in managed superhero play
interact better with adults, and feel a sense of belonging in a group.
* By pretending to be someone else, children imagine how others
feel and become aware of the needs of others and the reasons why
people behave as they do. Superhero play gives children first-hand
experience in empathy.
* Creativity is encouraged through superhero play. Children play
at imaginary games for longer and develop more involved plots and
scenarios.
* Superhero play assists physical development as children jump,
run and actively imitate the superhuman traits of their heroes.
Physical confidence grows as children show off their physical feats.

Managing superhero play

To enable children to gain the most from superhero play, and to keep
it controlled and avoid chaos, parents and carers can follow these
guidelines.

* Set reasonable limits and rules. Make it clear that aggressive
behaviour is not acceptable, and let children know when and where
superhero play is allowed. Outside is best and remind children that
safety comes first, so talk about what actions may be unsafe, such as
jumping off the fence.
* Be involved in the play. In this way you can intervene when
things become aggressive or dangerous, or when children become scared
or angry. You can become part of the game, offer new options and
experience play from the child's own viewpoint.
* Encourage open communication with children. Talk about the game
(after it has finished) and ask your child to share his or her
feelings. Also, explain why you don't like it when he or she pretends
to hurt or kill someone and help him or her to find alternatives to
problem solving and conflict resolution.
* Limit the aggressive superhero shows children watch. Monitor the
television children watch. Watch these shows with children and talk
about what is happening and how the shows are made. Media Awareness
Network explain that pointing out the predictable stories and
characters of the shows can reduce the power the show holds for
children. By limiting passive television watching, children also have
more time for creative and interactive play in a supportive
environment.
* Provide other environments for children to express themselves.
Use clay to pound out anger, or dance to burn excess energy. These are
other ways that children can be powerful and control the game.
* Encourage imaginative and creative aspects of superhero play.
Help children to be active and develop new plots that allow for action
without fighting. Media Awareness Network also suggest that creating
costumes, props and settings can be a very important part of the play.
* Talk about real heroes. Use newspaper stories, television news
and other media to discuss that real heroes are brave, helpful and
caring. Help children to become heroes themselves - raise money for
SIDS, take part in a charity walk together.
* Help children see the positive qualities of superheroes, not
just their physical powers. Emphasise when superheroes show kindness
and help others, and praise children when they do the same.
* Offer children alternative superheroes who use peaceful methods
and ingenuity to solve problems. The ABC program, Save-ums, stars
'pint-sized superheroes who race to the rescue to solve
preschool-sized emergencies through collaborative problem solving,
critical thinking, and the creative use of technology. These colourful
3D animated characters offer kids an opportunity to feel safe in an
exciting adventure world that is bursting with thrills, comedy and
challenges.' (ABC Kids Shows, 2004). These types of superheroes target
those children who most enjoy superhero play - preschoolers - and
provide them with positive role models. The Save-ums' motto is 'Small
is powerful - Believe It!'.
* Give children choices and power in their lives. Let children
feel responsibility and autonomy in making decisions, such as choosing
what colour shirt to wear or which playground to visit.
* Stress peaceful problem-solving. Talk about conflict resolution
skills and practise these skills with children. Discuss how these
skills can be applied to situations depicted in superhero shows.
* Don't give in and buy every new superhero toy. Show children how
to play with characters they already have in different ways, such as
involving the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys' in a rescue mission
together), and choose toys that allow children to use them in a number
of ways, such as Lego or Mobilo.
* Develop a child's sense of self-worth and affirm his or her own
power. Praise children when they accomplish real achievements, such as
completing a puzzle or learning how to tie shoe laces. Also recognise
their strength and physical abilities in the same way.
* Talk about what it means to be a friend. Highlight the
importance of accepting differences in others and help children to
rotate roles in superhero play so that everyone has a turn at being
the 'good guy' and the 'bad guy'.

References

ABC Kids Shows (2004) 'The Save-ums', at
http://www.abc.net.au/
(27 April 2004)

Booth Church, E (-) 'When good kids play the bad guy', at
http://www.scholastic.com
(1 April 2004)

Child and Family Canada (-) 'Superhero play' at
http://www.cfc-efc.ca/docs/mnet/00001_en.htm
(1 April 2004)

Curtis, P (2003) 'Why toy guns are back in the classroom', at
http://www.education.guardian.co.uk/
(21 April 2004)

De Gaetano, G (-) 'Acceptable superhero play' at
http://www.scn.org/
(21 April 2004)

Haddam, J (2001) 'Preschool Passions' at
http://www.parents.com/
(24 April 2004)

Hewitt, D (1997) So this is normal too?, Redleaf Press, USA

Kid Source (-) 'When children imitate superheroes', at
http://www.kidsource.com/parenting/imitate.hero.html
(1 April 2004)

Media Awareness Network (-) 'Managing superhero play', Tip Sheet at
http://www.media-awareness.ca/
(1 April 2004)

Parenting Preschoolers, Issue #3, 'War play, gun play, superhero and
violent play … why won't it go away?' at
http://www.ext.nodak.edu/extnews/pipeline/pp-3w.htm
(1 April 2004)

Rossmanith, A (1997) When will the children play?, Reed Books,
Melbourne.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits