Need your advice/help for dealing with a 3-yr old's temper

Hello Everyone,

Having been reading this forum for a while. I have found out this
forum is so useful. I have found many good advices here. This is my
first post. I need your help!

I have searched for how to deal with tantrum etc. So far, I am still
not very successful in handling that. I really need your advice.

My son has just become 3 in this March. He goes to a daycare for
almost half a year now and is doing well there.

He tends to start his "tantrum" when a little tiny thing is not
satisfied. Then, I have been using all different strategies to deal
with it. It works sometimes, but still far from been successful.

Things triggered his temper seem trivial: eg, a banana is broke, a
cookie is not in certain shape, I get him a tissue from the wrong
tissue box, insist on wearing his pajama pants, etc.

I normally would try to give him more care/attention/distraction
before he starts the whole thing. I would offer him toys, reading a
story, or a hug/hold, talking to him, etc.

I also would make sure if he is too tired or too hungry, or if his
need is misunderstood.

Sometime, I would try let him cry a few minutes, then he wants me to
hold etc. I would give in in a few minutes.

I would also try a warning, like count to three is the first warning,
and tell him, after the third warning, I have to 'punish' him.

But almost 7 out 10 times, he would have this kind of throwing tempers
before getting ready to school, or going to bed.

For example, it took me a hour and a half to get him dressed to
school. We skipped breakfast too!

I am so exhausted. I know that I should be calm, and not emotional.
But it seems that I am not good at dealing with it on a daily basis.

I need your suggestion, maybe a little bit support would also be
appreciated!

On Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:24:13 -0700 (PDT), wrote:


I need your suggestion, maybe a little bit support would also be
appreciated!

Hi,

You certainly have my sympathy! My 8 year old was a lot like this
when she was younger. The seemingly tiniest thing could set her off,
like turning on the bedroom light myself when she wanted to do it! Or
not getting off the bed on the right side. It was frustrating but I
finally decided to choose my own battles.

I figured it didn't hurt anything to let her turn on the light, or let
her get up on the side of the bed she wanted to. My dh thought I was
always giving in to her, but my stress level went waaaay down while
his escalated.

I don't have any marvelous solutions for you, but my daughter did
eventually outgrow 99% of it. I say 99% because if she's tired or
hungry she'll still have a melt-down, but most kids will.

Good luck!

Nan

wrote:

But almost 7 out 10 times, he would have this kind of throwing tempers
before getting ready to school, or going to bed.

For example, it took me a hour and a half to get him dressed to
school. We skipped breakfast too!

I am so exhausted. I know that I should be calm, and not emotional.
But it seems that I am not good at dealing with it on a daily basis.

I need your suggestion, maybe a little bit support would also be
appreciated!

It's hard to say what's going on from the little bits
of information one can post to a group, but you may be giving
him a bit too much rope here. This might be about him determining
where the limits of his control are, and he's finding that he's
really got you over a barrel and controls quite a bit.
When it comes to 3yos, I find it somewhat useful to
be very clear about what they get to choose and what they don't.
Decide in advance. If they have an unlimited choice, let them
choose what they want. If you can only tolerate a couple of
choices, then give him two or three options to choose from.
If it's a no choice area, then be clear about what he is
required to do, give him a short and defined period of time
to do it on his own, and if he doesn't, make it happen.
If he's fussing about getting dressed, you might
give him the option of choosing between two different outfits
(and you might do that part the evening before), but perhaps
he has no choice about the timing of when he gets dressed.
Either he dresses himself now, or you dress him and ignore
the tantrum. (Or talk to his teacher in advance and take him
to school in his pjs, though I'm not a huge fan of that solution.)
I'm guessing it's no surprise whatsoever that his worst
times are before school and before bed. He's learned how to stall
very effectively. When it comes to bedtime, I'd set up a clear
routine before bed, and any stalling or tantrumming means that he
immediately goes to bed--no story, no goodnight cuddle, no nothing.
Put the most critical things at the beginning of the routine
(e.g., tooth brushing) and the fun stuff (stories, cuddles, etc.)
at the end.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Thanks for the quick response. I appreciate that.

I have to admit that I lack of a consistent way of dealing with it. I
normally would try to meet his demands, or negotiate with him. If
those do not work, I would start using "count 3 warning" or try to
ignore him and let him cry.

I am wondering if I should use " let him cry" from the beginning, be
firm. It seems this do not work well combined with negotiation.

wrote:
Thanks for the quick response. I appreciate that.

I have to admit that I lack of a consistent way of dealing with it. I
normally would try to meet his demands, or negotiate with him. If
those do not work, I would start using "count 3 warning" or try to
ignore him and let him cry.

I am wondering if I should use " let him cry" from the beginning, be
firm. It seems this do not work well combined with negotiation.

Exactly. You need to decide *in advance* whether he
has some choice on a particular issue. If he has a choice, let
him know his options and let him choose. If he does not have
a choice, make it clear that this situation is non-negotiable
and follow through every single time. If you make a mistake,
tell him you made a mistake and start over. Don't change the
ground rules in the middle of an interaction. That just teaches
him that *everything* is negotiable if he makes a big enough
stink over it.

Best wishes,
Ericka

wrote in message
...
Hello Everyone,

Having been reading this forum for a while. I have found out this
forum is so useful. I have found many good advices here. This is my
first post. I need your help!

I have searched for how to deal with tantrum etc. So far, I am still
not very successful in handling that. I really need your advice.

My son has just become 3 in this March. He goes to a daycare for
almost half a year now and is doing well there.

He tends to start his "tantrum" when a little tiny thing is not
satisfied. Then, I have been using all different strategies to deal
with it. It works sometimes, but still far from been successful.

Things triggered his temper seem trivial: eg, a banana is broke, a
cookie is not in certain shape, I get him a tissue from the wrong
tissue box, insist on wearing his pajama pants, etc.



The idea I got from How to Talk ... around the banana issue would be
enormous and silly empathy. MAN it must be a bummer to have a broken banana!
I wish you had a whole one. I wish you had two! No I wish you had a whole
rocket ship FULL of broken bananas.

I normally would try to give him more care/attention/distraction
before he starts the whole thing. I would offer him toys, reading a
story, or a hug/hold, talking to him, etc.

I also would make sure if he is too tired or too hungry, or if his
need is misunderstood.

Sometime, I would try let him cry a few minutes, then he wants me to
hold etc. I would give in in a few minutes.

I would also try a warning, like count to three is the first warning,
and tell him, after the third warning, I have to 'punish' him.

But almost 7 out 10 times, he would have this kind of throwing tempers
before getting ready to school, or going to bed.

For example, it took me a hour and a half to get him dressed to
school. We skipped breakfast too!

I am so exhausted. I know that I should be calm, and not emotional.
But it seems that I am not good at dealing with it on a daily basis.

I need your suggestion, maybe a little bit support would also be
appreciated!



In the final analysis, if whatever prevention has not worked, and tantrum
has begun in earnest, you remove him from the situation. And tell him when
he is calm he can rejoin the group. Rinse and repeat.

Thanks for the advices!

I am now wondering if this belongs to some type of "terrible two"
phase. It never really occurs to me before.

I realize that I need to set out some clear rules and then stick to
them. Something like "positive discipline"?

But it took me some time to realize that. At first, I just do not
understand why he likes to do that. Now I think it is time to set the
limits on certain behavior. Of course, I know lots of care/ attention
is necessary. I also tend to be a good listener to his kind of
"complaint " about broken bananas. I do need more and more patience
though.

wrote:

I am now wondering if this belongs to some type of "terrible two"
phase. It never really occurs to me before.

It's a very common developmental thing for kids around
this age to explore the limits of their control. I think it is
also important to understand that kids' capabilities are changing
rapidly as they develop, and one has to be careful not to infantilize
the child who's growing and developing. There comes a point when
they are quite capable of turning on the crocodile tears or being
manipulative in other ways. They don't always do it consciously,
but they learn very, very quickly how to avoid things they don't
want to do (like going to bed). If you allow negative tactics
to work, you'll see a lot more of them in the future. By the
time kids are as old as your son, they are quite capable of
blowing things out of proportion or being overly dramatic. You
can respond effectively in several ways (ignoring, playing along
and making it silly and over the top, etc.), but if you believe
that it's really a case of the child being genuinely distraught,
you're unlikely to respond in a way the curtails the behavior.
Obviously, preschoolers *are* sometimes genuinely
distraught, and need comfort at those times. You have to be
able to tell the difference between genuine behaviors and
manipulation. Worse yet, if you allow negative behaviors to
be successful, you get into a situation where it's even more
difficult to tell the difference between genuine panic and
manipulation, because the child actually *does* start to panic
when you get his number and start shutting down manipulative
behavior. He doesn't like it when he feels his control slipping
away, and he's likely to escalate to attempt to preserve his
control. It can become a very challenging cycle to break.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article , Nan says...

On Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:24:13 -0700 (PDT), wrote:


I need your suggestion, maybe a little bit support would also be
appreciated!

Hi,

You certainly have my sympathy! My 8 year old was a lot like this
when she was younger. The seemingly tiniest thing could set her off,
like turning on the bedroom light myself when she wanted to do it! Or
not getting off the bed on the right side. It was frustrating but I
finally decided to choose my own battles.

I figured it didn't hurt anything to let her turn on the light, or let
her get up on the side of the bed she wanted to. My dh thought I was
always giving in to her, but my stress level went waaaay down while
his escalated.

I don't have any marvelous solutions for you, but my daughter did
eventually outgrow 99% of it. I say 99% because if she's tired or
hungry she'll still have a melt-down, but most kids will.

Good luck!

Nan

I'll add that it sounds just like my son at 3 years old, excep that his
reactions weren't quite so drastic.

He'd have some image of how things are 'sposed to happen, and when they
deviated, he'd flip. And there was this thing where, if we ever passed our
house on the way to another errand, he'd be all upset that we didn't stop at
home.

I think it's a developmental thing.

No specific advice, except that it's a pick-your-battle thing as has been
already said.

And "this too shall pass" is a pretty good parenthood mantra.

Cheers,
Banty

In article ,
says...

Thanks for the advices!

I am now wondering if this belongs to some type of "terrible two"
phase. It never really occurs to me before.

I realize that I need to set out some clear rules and then stick to
them. Something like "positive discipline"?

But it took me some time to realize that. At first, I just do not
understand why he likes to do that. Now I think it is time to set the
limits on certain behavior. Of course, I know lots of care/ attention
is necessary. I also tend to be a good listener to his kind of
"complaint " about broken bananas. I do need more and more patience
though.


It absolutely is a phase.

My son was easy at two. But he had the anal little strangeness similar to what
you describe.

Exasperating, I know.

Banty