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#22
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In article , Laura Faussone says...
Still, I agree with your basic assessment: much of these women's complaints seem to be purely self-imposed and is largely done by women who want to impress other women with their ability to be Martha Stewart and do it all. When did motherhood become a competition? If you're trying to do so much that you're that stressed out, you need to take a long look at whose interests you're *really* serving. Chances are pretty good that it's *not* your kids'! Martha Stewart's also divorced and, from what I've heard, doesn't have the best relationship with her daughter. Laura I also heard this little rumor about her going to jail.... |
#23
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Karen wrote: Talk to me in about 8 years ;-) While I agree with you in theory, you'll be surprised how easy it is to get very, very busy with just a couple of activities per child. Also, as you watch your child develop various talents and interests, it is hard to turn your back on those interests (especially if they promote things you want for your kids - exercise, quality social opportunities, building on inherent talents). My kids enjoy music lessons, scouting, and sports. Music lessons are once a week, scouting involves two meetings a month, one of them a Friday night, plus special weekend activities. Sports often run in long (Little League) or short segments (parks and recreation soccer or t-ball, for example, that run in six week periods). Because my oldest takes piano, am I to deny him the Scout experience that all his friends enjoy that only takes up a few evenings per month? Or do I say he can't do Little League, a physical activity he loves? I guess I just can't see the "one activity per semester" rule being practical, even if in theory it seems to rightly put family before activities. Quite frankly, I'd be afraid my son would throw in the towel on piano if it took away all other fun opportunites. But I'd hate him to not do piano at all just because he has scouts or has several week periods where he plays a sport. Almost every night, we have dinner together, but occasionally we have those nights where it's just crazy .....it's amazing how all our practices and meetings always turn out to be on Wednesdays! I think it's possible to be rational about doling out activites without insisting on boilerplate rules.....and I think our kids appreciate our flexibility and fairness. Sometimes we can do it and sometimes we can't. YMMV. I hear you!!! I think it's great to have general guidelines and to also be flexible. I do have guidelines but otherwise let the children lead. DD12 *loves* piano and she is getting quite good at it. I admire her dedication and passion. We accomodate it happily. DD10 took it for awhile, but never seemed to like to practice all that much. So we next tried clarinet. Same story there - theoretically, she likes the idea of taking music, but in practice, she's just not all that into it like DD12 is, so we mutually decided to drop it. DD10 really wanted to sign up for softball with her friends. So we endured a season of that. At the end of the season, she was exhausted and often on her very last thread. It was just too much - too many practices during the week, and very long weekend games. The part she did love was being on a team and with her friends; she wasn't passionate about softball itself. At the end of the season, she made me *promise* no matter how much she begged this year, I'd be the adult (her words) and put my foot down and say no!!! This kid really knows herself well, and knows she needs guidance and someone to set some boundaries for her, because she doesn't do it well herself. She lets her enthusiasm get the better of her, and then she finds herself stuck in a commitment that makes her miserable. And so I did put my foot down this year. Looks like we'll sign up for tennis instead. The commitment is much more manageable (an hour and a half per week), they keep you hopping, and her friends will also be doing it. If she doesn't like it, she can quit after 4 weeks, no big deal. I do keep trying her to try different things. Eventually, she'll find one that really sticks. jen |
#24
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I read the article really quickly and liked the policy recommendations, but
I think that one of the other articles spoke to me mo http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6960127/site/newsweek/ I know that I could easily fall into the trap of wanting to be the supermommy if I don't end up getting a job -- that somehow being the domestic goddess will make up for/replace not 'using' my PhD and following the expected tenure track academic trajectory. I think it's very easy especially for highly educated women to feel guilt coming from both directions: we're not fulfilling our feminist obligations by going into the workplace and taking advantage of the opportunities we've had, or we're not being good moms by staying at home with our children. And it might seem really crazy, but I can definitely see how such a woman would be tempted to substitute high-powered parenting for a high-powered career. Luckily for me, I'm too lazy (and, I'd like to think, too practical) to go in for color-coordinated plates and streamers -- but I do have a lot of sympathy for women who are desperately trying to do the best job they can for their kids and their husbands/partners, and, often, their careers. I know several women in that position; it's HARD to navigate through all the expectations constantly bombarding them! And if I get my job (still waiting to hear, argh), I'll be joining their ranks soon enough. Wow, that was an incoherent post. :P Em mama to Micah, 11/14/04 PS None of this is to say that I fundamentally disagree with Amy -- I want to be very careful not to overschedule, be an interfering and pressuring mom, do my kids' homework projects for them, etc. But I definitely see where the impulse to be supermom comes from, esp. in the cohort of women described in the article. |
#25
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#26
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Melania wrote: I'm pretty sure the same goes for parenting - nobody is going to like you better for being "perfect." I'm not so sure it's about being perfect, as it is doing a better job than your own parents did. It's pretty common stage for adults to grow up and blame their folks for raising them wrong, one way or another. So with each generation, we've got parents trying to do a better job than the last generation, and this raises the bar with each successive generation. jen |
#27
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Ericka Kammerer wrote: Melania wrote: I think it's different when it's activities the kids really love, either from an affinity for the activity itself or because of the social experience. Some kids are herded into music, dance, sports, art, language, and who knows what all else, and don't seem to even be enjoying it. Well, it's very different for the kids--but mom (or whomever) is just as busy regardless of the impetus for the activities ;-) Oh, for sure - but hopefully the mom is also happier than if she is constantly fighting her kids into things "for their own good." There were times with all three of us in music lessons that my parents were very busy. But I think it made them happy to see us enjoying music, and to see our abilities developing with the musical education. Melania Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003) and #2 (edd May 21, 2005) My rule is the kids have to *really* want it (and prove it by giving 100 percent to the activity) and it has to be nearby (which is easy, because there are loads of opportunities very nearby) for me to agree. Best wishes, Ericka |
#28
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Melania wrote:
I think it's different when it's activities the kids really love, either from an affinity for the activity itself or because of the social experience. Some kids are herded into music, dance, sports, art, language, and who knows what all else, and don't seem to even be enjoying it. Well, it's very different for the kids--but mom (or whomever) is just as busy regardless of the impetus for the activities ;-) My rule is the kids have to *really* want it (and prove it by giving 100 percent to the activity) and it has to be nearby (which is easy, because there are loads of opportunities very nearby) for me to agree. Best wishes, Ericka |
#29
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shinypenny wrote: Melania wrote: I'm pretty sure the same goes for parenting - nobody is going to like you better for being "perfect." I'm not so sure it's about being perfect, as it is doing a better job than your own parents did. It's pretty common stage for adults to grow up and blame their folks for raising them wrong, one way or another. So with each generation, we've got parents trying to do a better job than the last generation, and this raises the bar with each successive generation. jen Just contemplating that possibility makes me sad. I'm not sure I agree, though - I think for a lot of women it *does* boil down to having something to prove to themselves: I'm not "just" a mom, I'm not merely "good enough", being a mother now isn't wasting the education I got earlier (or all those years of career building I put in), being a working mom *shouldn't* mean someone else is raising my kids . . . and so on. I don't think it's parents, usually, but just mothers. I have a friend who wants to have kids, someday, but doesn't want to budge at all in her career. She's already terrified about how she's going to handle it. It isn't that she doesn't think her parents did a good job, just that she has a really different life than her parents do/did. Melania Mom to Joffre (Jan 11, 2003) and #2 (edd May 21, 2005) |
#30
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Karen wrote: Talk to me in about 8 years ;-) Hahaha! I know... While I agree with you in theory, you'll be surprised how easy it is to get very, very busy with just a couple of activities per child. Also, as you watch your child develop various talents and interests, it is hard to turn your back on those interests (especially if they promote things you want for your kids - exercise, quality social opportunities, building on inherent talents). I know this one family who has stuff every single night, and not just one thing, but three or four things. They hardly have time to eat (and they end up eating crap instead of food) because they're running from church thing to school thing to scouts thing to sports thing all the time... It's just not healthy. But maybe one will prove unrealistic. I'll be happy if we can keep it to one creative (music, art) and one physical (martial arts or sports) per semester. See, I'm very flexible. I think it's possible to be rational about doling out activites without insisting on boilerplate rules.....and I think our kids appreciate our flexibility and fairness. Sometimes we can do it and sometimes we can't. YMMV. It's such a seductive trap to fall into, though... And it goes along with the basic drive of every parent - the wish that we could give our kids everything... But walking the dog every night before dinner is every bit as healthy as baseball practice (I remain unconvinced that baseball is a sport, looks like a lot of standing around and scratching to me!!), and if it strengthens the family, I think that's healthy. I must say, though, that my cousin is a basketball superstar (he's at an Ivy League school playing now), and going to watch his games with the whole family is a lot of fun. I did drama and stuff, community theater, when I was a kid. I was Brigitta in the Sound of Music, and it was fun to have the whole family come see me... You can build the family through activities, I guess, but it's just so slippery a slope, between "enough" and "too much"... I think each family has to find out what works for them. Since I'm lazy, it'll be one or two a week, until they get their own drivers' licenses or learn the public transportation system! Amy |
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