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[twnfeatures] Are We Over-Parenting Our Children?



 
 
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Old July 8th 04, 07:38 AM
R. Steve Walz
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Default [twnfeatures] Are We Over-Parenting Our Children?

Frederick Noronha (FN) wrote:

Are We Over-Parenting Our Children?

In 2003, the UN Special rapporteur on the Right to Education, Prof.
Katarina Tomasevski, claimed that the testing regime in English schools
breaches the UN Convention on Children’s Rights. Current estimates in the
UK say a child will take 105 tests or exams during his or her school
career. In some schools in Malaysia, the number could be higher.

by Utusan Konsumer
Third World Network Features

Are our babies and children today over-trained by over-anxious parents?
They must follow a pattern, stick to the rules, wake up and go to sleep at
appropriate times and eat only at prescribed mealtimes. If you look up
books on parenting, you will find tons of “How-to-parent” books. There are
also so many programmes which teach you how to make your child more
creative, intelligent, to have better maths, and much more.

Children today are burdened with so many inflexible routines and the
ominous regime of “early learning”.

Over the past 3 decades the changes in the ways we treat our children have
been huge. We are having fewer and fewer children and with a growing middle
class with more disposable income for the needs of less children in the
household, we may be heading towards creating a creed of parents who are
over-anxious of their children and practise over-parenting.

We are no longer able to trust our own children anymore. Over-parenting has
produced a situation where children are seen as extensions of the parent’s
dream of what is good for themselves (thus it must be good for their kids),
but as a consequence, are unable to become fully independent adults in
their own right.

It is a mindset which demands that we become not simply a child’s parent,
but its teacher, its advocate in the barren world of proper education, its
therapist, its best friend, its dietitian, and more.

All this work must be squashed into that misleading phenomenon—quality
time. Parents are inevitably spoken of as time-starved because of their
long working hours; they must therefore compensate with this sort of
intense and intrusive, but obviously, educational focus.

Is this what parenting is? Being with a child is often full of banal,
repetitive activities. It is monotonous, because small children often like
to do the same things over and over again. They do not want to do a jigsaw
and move on, they want to do the same puzzle 20 times. Sometimes they like
to do very little other than sit and stare. Boredom can breed creativity.
Look at how kids can play imaginatively with just a few cardboard boxes or
how a pillow can become a teddy bear, a baby, or how your cassettes become
cars, houses and how the tape inside becomes long, long snakes.

The current ethos of compulsory learning and creativity leads to overloaded
boredom, with kids being hauled around museums and forced to produce works
of art on demand. Allowing a child to be bored requires a degree of trust
that is no longer the norm. We fear that their boredom will lead them to
unhealthy activities.

Most of our kids had passed through the education system without ever
thinking of themselves as anything but victims. They were not grateful for
the chance they had been given.

Kids who have been written off have been brought up to think it’s not their
fault. And in some ways it isn’t. The view that parental influence is all,
that it entirely moulds a child, is so oversubscribed that it assumes that
children exist in vacuum.

If children do well, it is to the credit of their family; if they do badly,
something has gone wrong at home. Thus we remove any sense of individual
responsibility or even personality difference. Anyone with more than one
child will tell you, shockingly, that even children brought up in the same
family are entirely different. Some are academic, some are not; some like
sports, some don’t.

Paradoxically, however, the belief that nurture is everything, though
challenged in many areas of science, has filtered down to the child-rearing
masses. Children are often our only creative projects, reflections of our
ability to be good at something.

Thus an entire industry is devoted to both arousing and then catering to
anxiety in parents. The foetus must be stimulated in the womb with a
mixture of whale noises and Mozart. From theories that children should
sleep in light-proof, pitch dark rooms and “toddler taming”, it is but a
short stroll to all those guides that tell you how to get your child into
the best universities.

One minute it’s all Montessori, the next it’s Kumon.

It appears that only weird parents bother to ask about the actual happiness
of our children. For the goal of all our “paranoid parenting” is not
happiness. It is educational success.

Yet most of our graduates do not get jobs where you need a degree—which in
turn shows that any idea of education for its own sake, for the good of
all, is simply wasteful.
`
While the parenting and education industry set out to guide parents through
the dangerous and difficult process of sending their child to school,
actual analysis of the benefits of their increasingly exam-heavy and
competitive system is not provided. In fact, the exam-oriented education
system is a torture for our kids and is even seen as a breach of the UN
convention on children’s rights.

In 2003, the UN Special rapporteur on the Right to Education, Prof Katarina
Tomasevski, claimed that the testing regime in English schools breaches the
UN Convention on Children’s Rights. Current estimates in the United Kingdom
say a child will take 105 tests or exams during his or her school career.
In some schools in Malaysia, the number could be higher.

Speaking generally about the education system, she said that testing was
producing uniformity and that the ideology of target-setting and delivery
had come from command-and-control economies such as China and the former
Soviet Union.

To move away from the current system would require an ability that we have
lost. We would have to be able to trust our children to be more or less OK.
However the children who are clearly not going to be OK are the children of
the poor.

It cannot be said enough, but many of our children are healthy and safe and
get some sort of education, whatever we might do to them. They will
eventually make their own way in the world. The outside world will come
into their lives, whatever we do, and surely when it does, we want them to
embrace it, not be frightened of it. But if they are not happy and
successful, whose fault is it? Not theirs.

Yet how can it be ours when, after all, we did everything for them: we gave
up our lives for them, we had them tutoured into the ground, we thought
long and hard about schools and gave them the right books and educational
toys, we paid their tuition fees, we asked them to embody all our hopes and
fears, to prove that we had done the best, that we were the best?

Did we have time to ask them if they were happy? Of course not. We were far
too busy worrying about their future. —Third World Network Features.

-ends-

This article first appeared in Utusan Konsumer May-June 2004.

-----------------
Thanks for that!! We need government advocates for children that
can put a stop to the coercion and bamboozlement of children's
self-esteem so that they don't feel free to simply say NO to adults
who wish to bully them and destroy their childhoods with regimentation,
when they evolved to learn ON THEIR OWN!!
Steve
 




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