Ashamed of my temper...

First, anger is probably the most counter-productive thing for potty
training. Any emotion displayed by the parent on the issue of potty
training will only stir emotional feelings in the child that will
cause them to react negatively. The best thing is to NOT CARE! It
sounds counter-intuitive, but it is true

Potty training is a control issue. And part of it is about his control
over his own body. We found that the easiest way to potty train was to
allow our kids to run around naked. It is very difficult for a naked
child to ignore the fact the he/she is pooing. The lead to a very quick
realization and desire to control the activity.

Hope this helps,
Larry

L.A. writes:
: Hi all...

: I don't know what to do about this, but I find I'm getting unreasonably
: angry at 2yo DS who refuses to go to the potty. He had been doing very
: well, but suddenly decided the potty is his enemy. We've tried moving
: it into the living room because he doesn't like to be isolated in the
: bathroom for any length of time. But now as soon as the word "potty"
: comes up, he starts shouting "NO POTTY!" I don't know why the sudden
: abhorance towards it. Anyway, every day I calmly ask him if he needs
: to go poo in the potty. Every day he politely says "No, tank you
: Mommy." Then he poos in his pants. I know he knows what the potty is
: for...he's used it with success in the past. I know he knows his
: body's signals, because he goes off by himself to dirty his diaper.
: He'd just prefer to go in his pants. Ususally, DH just takes him in
: the bathroom and cleans him up. But if I have to do it, I find myself
: getting really mad at him. I end up speaking sharply to him, saying
: "That's dirty...you're supposed to put it in the potty!" He gets upset
: when I chastise him, and the whole thing is just a disaster. I know
: it's not helping him move towards using the potty, but I can't seem to
: contain my anger and disgust over such a silly thing. Maybe it's the
: hormones, (I'm just about 36 weeks). But I'm at my wit's end with my
: stinky big boy, and dreading having two in diapers. Anyone have
: advice?

: Thanks.
: L.A.

L.A. writes:

: I think
: my problem is ... feeling like he's defying me on purpose

Yes! And getting angry with him just proves to him that his
tactics are working!!!

:-)
Larry

Hi all...

I don't know what to do about this, but I find I'm getting unreasonably
angry at 2yo DS who refuses to go to the potty. He had been doing very
well, but suddenly decided the potty is his enemy. We've tried moving
it into the living room because he doesn't like to be isolated in the
bathroom for any length of time. But now as soon as the word "potty"
comes up, he starts shouting "NO POTTY!" I don't know why the sudden
abhorance towards it. Anyway, every day I calmly ask him if he needs
to go poo in the potty. Every day he politely says "No, tank you
Mommy." Then he poos in his pants. I know he knows what the potty is
for...he's used it with success in the past. I know he knows his
body's signals, because he goes off by himself to dirty his diaper.
He'd just prefer to go in his pants. Ususally, DH just takes him in
the bathroom and cleans him up. But if I have to do it, I find myself
getting really mad at him. I end up speaking sharply to him, saying
"That's dirty...you're supposed to put it in the potty!" He gets upset
when I chastise him, and the whole thing is just a disaster. I know
it's not helping him move towards using the potty, but I can't seem to
contain my anger and disgust over such a silly thing. Maybe it's the
hormones, (I'm just about 36 weeks). But I'm at my wit's end with my
stinky big boy, and dreading having two in diapers. Anyone have
advice?

Thanks.
L.A.

"L.A." wrote in message
oups.com...
Hi all...

I don't know what to do about this, but I find I'm getting unreasonably
angry at 2yo DS who refuses to go to the potty. He had been doing very
well, but suddenly decided the potty is his enemy. We've tried moving
it into the living room because he doesn't like to be isolated in the
bathroom for any length of time. But now as soon as the word "potty"
comes up, he starts shouting "NO POTTY!" I don't know why the sudden
abhorance towards it. Anyway, every day I calmly ask him if he needs
to go poo in the potty. Every day he politely says "No, tank you
Mommy." Then he poos in his pants. I know he knows what the potty is
for...he's used it with success in the past. I know he knows his
body's signals, because he goes off by himself to dirty his diaper.
He'd just prefer to go in his pants. Ususally, DH just takes him in
the bathroom and cleans him up. But if I have to do it, I find myself
getting really mad at him. I end up speaking sharply to him, saying
"That's dirty...you're supposed to put it in the potty!" He gets upset
when I chastise him, and the whole thing is just a disaster. I know
it's not helping him move towards using the potty, but I can't seem to
contain my anger and disgust over such a silly thing. Maybe it's the
hormones, (I'm just about 36 weeks). But I'm at my wit's end with my
stinky big boy, and dreading having two in diapers. Anyone have
advice?

Thanks.
L.A.


Keep in mind I don't have kids yet, but I am a social worker for children so
I've met a _lot_ of kids. Sometimes "potty phobia" can be a result of a bad
experience on the toilet, usually painful constipation or a large stool
(ouch!). Sometimes even having the water splash back up can be too
startling. If he's going in his diapers, he probably isn't still
constipated (if he were, you could try apple juice, etc). But, in his
limited experience, he might have learned that going on the potty hurts or
is scary, but diapers don't/aren't. Rewards may work, as could
"demystifying" the toilet, letting him play with it or just sit on it while
reading him a book with no expectations of doing anything.
I did have one parent who solved this problem by letting her daughter flush
cheerios, etc over and over again so the toilet became fun, but I can see a
major potential for that backfiring (where's mommy's jewelry? No, not the
cat!).
Just some thoughts...hope you solve the problem soon!
Amy V.
EDD 11/25/05

Thanks Amy...I don't think he's had a bad experience; this kid has
never been constipated in his life! I think he's just decided the
potty is time consuming and he'd rather just continue what he's doing
than stop and go to the potty. That's what's so frustrating...he KNOWS
what to do, he just won't do it. We make a big deal when he goes, but
he doesn't really care. AAAGGGHHHH!!!

L.A.

I think this has become a control issue, and you are going to have to
completely let go of potty training for a month or 3 or 6. Stop talking
about it, stop pushing it, stop asking him if he wants to use the potty.
You could continue to talk about "when he's ready to go on the potty" while
you are changing his diaper, but you can't make it a big deal. Instead of
what you are saying when you are changing a poopy diaper, you need to say
something innocuous, in a conversational tone, like, "You made poopy in your
diaper. Mommy's going to clean you up. When you are ready to make poopy in
the potty, we won't have to change your diaper any more, and you can wear
big boy pants."

You have to stop reacting. Just let this be for a while, then pick it back
up later.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- My Big Girl, who goes pee pee and poo poo on the
potty!
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Standing Fool, who climbs to standing every
chance she gets!

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Jamie Clark wrote:
I think this has become a control issue, and you are going to have to
completely let go of potty training for a month or 3 or 6. Stop talking
about it, stop pushing it, stop asking him if he wants to use the potty.
You could continue to talk about "when he's ready to go on the potty" while
you are changing his diaper, but you can't make it a big deal. Instead of
what you are saying when you are changing a poopy diaper, you need to say
something innocuous, in a conversational tone, like, "You made poopy in your
diaper. Mommy's going to clean you up. When you are ready to make poopy in
the potty, we won't have to change your diaper any more, and you can wear
big boy pants."

You have to stop reacting. Just let this be for a while, then pick it back
up later.

This is great advice, Jamie. LA, really try to just let it go. We had
struggles with my daughter, and ended up with her with-holding which
led to constipation and a whole host of problems. We should have just
taken a deep breath. Pulled out the diapers and let it go for awhile.
2 is still quite young to be potty trained, and he does have the control.

Now, some things that did work for us were sticker reward charts
and candy rewards for pooping on the potty. But if I were you,
I'd just put him in diapers and resign myself to changing poopy
ones. Don't let it escalate, and the only person whose response
you can control, is yours.

Mary W.

We do jelly beans and chocolate chip cookies. When we first started, Taylor
got 1 jelly bean for pee, 1 jelly bean for toots while sitting on the potty,
and 3 jelly beans for poop. Then after it was clear that she had the hang
of sitting on the potty, we took away the jelly bean for tooting, and
switched the reward for pooping to a chocolate chip cookie.

Taylor is funny, she comes and tells me at least half of the time when she
has to go "pee pee on the potty" and the other half, she just goes in her
pull-up. I think it's an issue of not wanting to stop what she is doing.
Or, I'll ask her if she wants to go use the potty, and she'll say no. I'll
say, "if you go pee pee on the potty you can get a jelly bean..." and
she'll say, "OKAY!" and run to the bathroom. That girl is motivated by
jelly beans! Although she doesn't always pee on the potty, she's at about
90% for poo on the potty, which suits me just fine.
--

Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03 -- My Big Girl, who goes pee pee and poo poo on the
potty!
Addison Grace, 9/30/04 -- The Standing Fool, who climbs to standing every
chance she gets!

Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

"Mary W." wrote in message
...
Jamie Clark wrote:
I think this has become a control issue, and you are going to have to
completely let go of potty training for a month or 3 or 6. Stop talking
about it, stop pushing it, stop asking him if he wants to use the potty.
You could continue to talk about "when he's ready to go on the potty"
while you are changing his diaper, but you can't make it a big deal.
Instead of what you are saying when you are changing a poopy diaper, you
need to say something innocuous, in a conversational tone, like, "You
made poopy in your diaper. Mommy's going to clean you up. When you are
ready to make poopy in the potty, we won't have to change your diaper any
more, and you can wear big boy pants."

You have to stop reacting. Just let this be for a while, then pick it
back up later.

This is great advice, Jamie. LA, really try to just let it go. We had
struggles with my daughter, and ended up with her with-holding which
led to constipation and a whole host of problems. We should have just
taken a deep breath. Pulled out the diapers and let it go for awhile.
2 is still quite young to be potty trained, and he does have the control.

Now, some things that did work for us were sticker reward charts
and candy rewards for pooping on the potty. But if I were you,
I'd just put him in diapers and resign myself to changing poopy
ones. Don't let it escalate, and the only person whose response
you can control, is yours.

Mary W.

"L.A." wrote in message
oups.com...
Thanks Amy...I don't think he's had a bad experience; this kid has
never been constipated in his life! I think he's just decided the
potty is time consuming and he'd rather just continue what he's doing
than stop and go to the potty. That's what's so frustrating...he KNOWS
what to do, he just won't do it. We make a big deal when he goes, but
he doesn't really care. AAAGGGHHHH!!!

L.A.


Ah, in that case, I agree with Jamie.
Also, I wonder if diapering can be made to take a long time? Don't know if
it would work, but maybe if toileting was actually faster?
Honestly, I think you're just going to have to wait until he decides it's
time.
Lots of willpower in those little bodies, isn't there?

Amy

Thanks for your reply, Jamie...

I haven't done the reward thing with him, other than lots of hugs and
praise. I didn't do it with DD...she just enjoyed the praise and
wanted to please us, so she went and was trained by the time she was
two. I know I need to let it go, but it's such a trigger for me, it's
really hard for me to keep my temper over this issue. I may try the
reward and see what happens. (He LOVES jelly beans, so that's a good
idea.) If that doesn't work, I'll leave it until the new baby has
become a fixture in the house, then try again. But I am NOT looking
forward to changing big boy poo with a new baby in the house as well.
I wish this didn't bother me so much!

L.A.