14 year old son decided to live with his dad

I have never belonged to an on-line group so I apologize in advance if
I don't play by the rules. Anyway, I am having a difficult time
dealing with my son's decision to live with his father almost 9 weeks
ago. I have a good relationship with my son. However, since the split
it is getting harder and harder to not resent him. Here are the facts
of our situation:

3 days after he turned 14 his father (my ex of 5 years now) had him
sign an affidavit saying he wanted to live with his dad. (no reason
just because his dad wanted him to). Actually I know the reason (money
and revenge), but my son is still very naive and brainwashed by his
father. We had a decent divorce and the custody thing worked great
(shared custody) but the children lived with me. Anyway, our problems
started when my ex remarried (8 months after the divorce) a mentally
disturbed woman and she caused many problems with our kids to the point
our daughter (now 19 and in college) refuses to have a relationship
with her father anymore. Well, he blaims me for his failed
relationship with his daughter and has been trying to make my life a
living hell ever since.

When my son came home 3 days after he turned 14 to tell me he wanted to
live with dad, I went nuts. I felt so abandoned. We had some pretty
strong words and I told him he could go live with his dad that night if
he didn't want to live with me anymore. The next day he changed his
mind and wanted to stay with me. Once his dad heard of this we started
a series of heated debates with our attorneys. My son is a pleaser
person and decided he wanted to live 50/50 with both of us. Well his
dad would not have anything to do with that because he hates me and
does not want to have to talk with me about the children. So my ex
somehow convinced our son to lie to me all summer long and say he still
wanted the 50/50 arrangement, but once we went to court he told the
judge he always wanted to try living with his dad and if he had to
choose one over the other he wants to live with dad.

So here we are 9 weeks later and I am really struggling. At first, I
sucked it up and did what was best for our son and played "happy for
him" with his new adventure living with his dad. Now it looks like my
ex is moving to another state and by the way has recently remarried
(for the 3rd time). I have a lot of distress wondering how this new
step-mom really is since I do not know her. My son is old enough to
let me know if she is anything like the last one, but my real issue at
the present time is not trusting my son since he lied to me all summer
about his true wishes. I know his father is the master manupilator and
is not really interested in our son. All he is after is ruining me
emotially and financially. Yes, I am paying child support as well.
Twice the amount he was paying me even though we make the same income.
Another story all together.

Does anyone have any advice to help me cope? I am staying busy and
trying to move on with my life, but I am having a hard time accepting
my son would rather live with his father than me. I keep wondering
where I went wrong as a mother. When I ask my son why he wants to live
with dad he says he thinks it will be more fun at dad's house and that
him leaving does not mean he doesn't love me. Little does he know my
heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Deb

"Deb" wrote
I have never belonged to an on-line group so I apologize in advance if
I don't play by the rules. Anyway, I am having a difficult time
dealing with my son's decision to live with his father almost 9 weeks
ago. I have a good relationship with my son. However, since the split
it is getting harder and harder to not resent him. Here are the facts
of our situation:
==
Huh? This isn't about you, it's about your son. How could you put such a
quilt trip on the child?
And then insist that his dad doesn't care about him when he obviously does?
It appears YOU are
the one who has been attempting to manipulate the boy and *your* real agenda
is money. And now
*you* resent the boy?? Because your emotional blackmail didn't work? Your
best hope is that he
doesn't resent you the rest of his life for the way you have tried to
interfere with his relationship with his dad.
Sounds like you need to grow up and learn to put your kids' needs above your
own wants. I have four sons and can't
comprehend treating them the way you have treated yours. Sheesh.
Welcome to Usenet.

"Deb" wrote in message
ups.com...
I have never belonged to an on-line group so I apologize in advance if
I don't play by the rules. Anyway, I am having a difficult time
dealing with my son's decision to live with his father almost 9 weeks
ago. I have a good relationship with my son. However, since the split
it is getting harder and harder to not resent him. Here are the facts
of our situation:

3 days after he turned 14 his father (my ex of 5 years now) had him
sign an affidavit saying he wanted to live with his dad. (no reason
just because his dad wanted him to). Actually I know the reason (money
and revenge), but my son is still very naive and brainwashed by his
father. We had a decent divorce and the custody thing worked great
(shared custody) but the children lived with me. Anyway, our problems
started when my ex remarried (8 months after the divorce) a mentally
disturbed woman and she caused many problems with our kids to the point
our daughter (now 19 and in college) refuses to have a relationship
with her father anymore. Well, he blaims me for his failed
relationship with his daughter and has been trying to make my life a
living hell ever since.

When my son came home 3 days after he turned 14 to tell me he wanted to
live with dad, I went nuts. I felt so abandoned. We had some pretty
strong words and I told him he could go live with his dad that night if
he didn't want to live with me anymore. The next day he changed his
mind and wanted to stay with me. Once his dad heard of this we started
a series of heated debates with our attorneys. My son is a pleaser
person and decided he wanted to live 50/50 with both of us. Well his
dad would not have anything to do with that because he hates me and
does not want to have to talk with me about the children. So my ex
somehow convinced our son to lie to me all summer long and say he still
wanted the 50/50 arrangement, but once we went to court he told the
judge he always wanted to try living with his dad and if he had to
choose one over the other he wants to live with dad.

So here we are 9 weeks later and I am really struggling. At first, I
sucked it up and did what was best for our son and played "happy for
him" with his new adventure living with his dad. Now it looks like my
ex is moving to another state and by the way has recently remarried
(for the 3rd time). I have a lot of distress wondering how this new
step-mom really is since I do not know her. My son is old enough to
let me know if she is anything like the last one, but my real issue at
the present time is not trusting my son since he lied to me all summer
about his true wishes. I know his father is the master manupilator and
is not really interested in our son. All he is after is ruining me
emotially and financially. Yes, I am paying child support as well.
Twice the amount he was paying me even though we make the same income.
Another story all together.

Does anyone have any advice to help me cope? I am staying busy and
trying to move on with my life, but I am having a hard time accepting
my son would rather live with his father than me. I keep wondering
where I went wrong as a mother. When I ask my son why he wants to live
with dad he says he thinks it will be more fun at dad's house and that
him leaving does not mean he doesn't love me. Little does he know my
heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Think about the pluses for your son. He has had a father who remained
active in his life. Your son is becoming a man and age 14 is a fairly
typical age for boys to want to live with their fathers. Your ex will be a
positive influence on your son and living together will enable his father to
model the male role for him with more regular contact. Young 14 year old
boys often have anger problems, act out by rebelling, and need the firm
discipline their fathers provide. Where your son lives has nothing to do
with how much he loves you.

My further advice would be to reach out to him instead of abandoning him in
your own angry response. Help him make the transition seamlessly. Be there
for him when he needs his mother. Encourage your son to do well in school,
make new friends, and participate in extra-curricular activities that
stimulate him. Support your ex with his hands-on parenting even when his
parenting style might be different than yours.

Recognize you wrote a lot of negative things about your son's father in your
above post. A lot of children want to get away from hearing the negative
stuff about their other parent and a way to stop it is to make the move to
live with the other parent.

"Deb" wrote in

We had a decent divorce and the custody thing worked great
(shared custody) but the children lived with me.

You still have shared custody, but the child now lives with his father.

All he is after is ruining me emotially and financially. Yes, I am
paying child support as well.
Twice the amount he was paying me even though we make the same income.

This is the system women wanted, what are you complaining about?

"Bob Whiteside" wrote
........................

Recognize you wrote a lot of negative things about your son's father in
your
above post. A lot of children want to get away from hearing the negative
stuff about their other parent and a way to stop it is to make the move to
live with the other parent.
=
You're so polite. I was hurt when my second oldest son went to live with his
dad many years ago, too
but I would never lay this kind of quilt on him. She is so consumed with her
own feelings
that she can't even comprehend his. That is not mothering. It is betrayal.

Don't you understand that your son lied to you all summer because he
had to live with you? You made it clear to him that his decision was
hurting you. That just shows how much he loves you.

I just want to let you know that you are likely to ruin your
relationship with your son if you don't accept his decision
(manipulated or not) and be there for him in whatever capacity there
is now. Just because he doesn't live with you anymore doesn't mean he
is no longer your son.

Please seek professional help for your negative feelings so that you
can continue a good relationship with your son. I understand how you
feel, but not reconciling those feelings will only cause harm.

On 5 Nov 2006 20:30:53 -0800, "Deb" wrote:

I have never belonged to an on-line group so I apologize in advance if
I don't play by the rules. Anyway, I am having a difficult time
dealing with my son's decision to live with his father almost 9 weeks
ago. I have a good relationship with my son. However, since the split
it is getting harder and harder to not resent him. Here are the facts
of our situation:

3 days after he turned 14 his father (my ex of 5 years now) had him
sign an affidavit saying he wanted to live with his dad. (no reason
just because his dad wanted him to). Actually I know the reason (money
and revenge), but my son is still very naive and brainwashed by his
father. We had a decent divorce and the custody thing worked great
(shared custody) but the children lived with me. Anyway, our problems
started when my ex remarried (8 months after the divorce) a mentally
disturbed woman and she caused many problems with our kids to the point
our daughter (now 19 and in college) refuses to have a relationship
with her father anymore. Well, he blaims me for his failed
relationship with his daughter and has been trying to make my life a
living hell ever since.

When my son came home 3 days after he turned 14 to tell me he wanted to
live with dad, I went nuts. I felt so abandoned. We had some pretty
strong words and I told him he could go live with his dad that night if
he didn't want to live with me anymore. The next day he changed his
mind and wanted to stay with me. Once his dad heard of this we started
a series of heated debates with our attorneys. My son is a pleaser
person and decided he wanted to live 50/50 with both of us. Well his
dad would not have anything to do with that because he hates me and
does not want to have to talk with me about the children. So my ex
somehow convinced our son to lie to me all summer long and say he still
wanted the 50/50 arrangement, but once we went to court he told the
judge he always wanted to try living with his dad and if he had to
choose one over the other he wants to live with dad.

So here we are 9 weeks later and I am really struggling. At first, I
sucked it up and did what was best for our son and played "happy for
him" with his new adventure living with his dad. Now it looks like my
ex is moving to another state and by the way has recently remarried
(for the 3rd time). I have a lot of distress wondering how this new
step-mom really is since I do not know her. My son is old enough to
let me know if she is anything like the last one, but my real issue at
the present time is not trusting my son since he lied to me all summer
about his true wishes. I know his father is the master manupilator and
is not really interested in our son. All he is after is ruining me
emotially and financially. Yes, I am paying child support as well.
Twice the amount he was paying me even though we make the same income.
Another story all together.

Does anyone have any advice to help me cope? I am staying busy and
trying to move on with my life, but I am having a hard time accepting
my son would rather live with his father than me. I keep wondering
where I went wrong as a mother. When I ask my son why he wants to live
with dad he says he thinks it will be more fun at dad's house and that
him leaving does not mean he doesn't love me. Little does he know my
heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Deb

Beverly

"Deb" wrote in message
ups.com...
I have never belonged to an on-line group so I apologize in advance if
I don't play by the rules. Anyway, I am having a difficult time
dealing with my son's decision to live with his father almost 9 weeks
ago. I have a good relationship with my son. However, since the split
it is getting harder and harder to not resent him. Here are the facts
of our situation:

Ya, whatever. Men have to live with this **** in our face every day.

You had your son for 14 years. Don't you think it's fair for the father
to have a few years with his son?

Of course you don't. You're a woman.

I shouldn't even read this group...I get ****ed off every time.


Sorry.









3 days after he turned 14 his father (my ex of 5 years now) had him
sign an affidavit saying he wanted to live with his dad. (no reason
just because his dad wanted him to). Actually I know the reason (money
and revenge), but my son is still very naive and brainwashed by his
father. We had a decent divorce and the custody thing worked great
(shared custody) but the children lived with me. Anyway, our problems
started when my ex remarried (8 months after the divorce) a mentally
disturbed woman and she caused many problems with our kids to the point
our daughter (now 19 and in college) refuses to have a relationship
with her father anymore. Well, he blaims me for his failed
relationship with his daughter and has been trying to make my life a
living hell ever since.

When my son came home 3 days after he turned 14 to tell me he wanted to
live with dad, I went nuts. I felt so abandoned. We had some pretty
strong words and I told him he could go live with his dad that night if
he didn't want to live with me anymore. The next day he changed his
mind and wanted to stay with me. Once his dad heard of this we started
a series of heated debates with our attorneys. My son is a pleaser
person and decided he wanted to live 50/50 with both of us. Well his
dad would not have anything to do with that because he hates me and
does not want to have to talk with me about the children. So my ex
somehow convinced our son to lie to me all summer long and say he still
wanted the 50/50 arrangement, but once we went to court he told the
judge he always wanted to try living with his dad and if he had to
choose one over the other he wants to live with dad.

So here we are 9 weeks later and I am really struggling. At first, I
sucked it up and did what was best for our son and played "happy for
him" with his new adventure living with his dad. Now it looks like my
ex is moving to another state and by the way has recently remarried
(for the 3rd time). I have a lot of distress wondering how this new
step-mom really is since I do not know her. My son is old enough to
let me know if she is anything like the last one, but my real issue at
the present time is not trusting my son since he lied to me all summer
about his true wishes. I know his father is the master manupilator and
is not really interested in our son. All he is after is ruining me
emotially and financially. Yes, I am paying child support as well.
Twice the amount he was paying me even though we make the same income.
Another story all together.

Does anyone have any advice to help me cope? I am staying busy and
trying to move on with my life, but I am having a hard time accepting
my son would rather live with his father than me. I keep wondering
where I went wrong as a mother. When I ask my son why he wants to live
with dad he says he thinks it will be more fun at dad's house and that
him leaving does not mean he doesn't love me. Little does he know my
heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Deb

"Deb" wrote in message
oups.com...
[snip]
When my son came home 3 days after he turned 14 to tell me he wanted to
live with dad, I went nuts. I felt so abandoned. We had some pretty
strong words and I told him he could go live with his dad that night if
he didn't want to live with me anymore. The next day he changed his
mind and wanted to stay with me. Once his dad heard of this we started
a series of heated debates with our attorneys. My son is a pleaser
person and decided he wanted to live 50/50 with both of us. Well his
dad would not have anything to do with that because he hates me and
does not want to have to talk with me about the children. So my ex
somehow convinced our son to lie to me all summer long and say he still
wanted the 50/50 arrangement, but once we went to court he told the
judge he always wanted to try living with his dad and if he had to
choose one over the other he wants to live with dad.

How is it that you "went nuts" but somehow his father convinced him? You put
your child smack in the middle of your emotional ****. What a good mommy!

So here we are 9 weeks later and I am really struggling. At first, I
sucked it up and did what was best for our son and played "happy for
him" with his new adventure living with his dad. Now it looks like my
ex is moving to another state and by the way has recently remarried
(for the 3rd time). I have a lot of distress wondering how this new
step-mom really is since I do not know her. My son is old enough to
let me know if she is anything like the last one, but my real issue at
the present time is not trusting my son since he lied to me all summer
about his true wishes. I know his father is the master manupilator and
is not really interested in our son. All he is after is ruining me
emotially and financially. Yes, I am paying child support as well.
Twice the amount he was paying me even though we make the same income.
Another story all together.


So you put him in the spot of having to protect your feelings and now you
act like it's him that has the problem? I think you better get your ass back
to work so you don't lose your job and get jailed for not paying your
support! (You know, like your ex did for 14 years!)


Does anyone have any advice to help me cope? I am staying busy and
trying to move on with my life, but I am having a hard time accepting
my son would rather live with his father than me. I keep wondering
where I went wrong as a mother. When I ask my son why he wants to live
with dad he says he thinks it will be more fun at dad's house and that
him leaving does not mean he doesn't love me. Little does he know my
heart is breaking into a million pieces.


Boo ****ing hoo! Welcome to the other side. It's nice to see someone else
that has lived on the "sunny side" of the child support system get a taste
of what it's like to be forced to PAY to have your kids taken away. Some of
us live that life for decades. When we try to stay in our kids lives we are
accused of trying to get out of child support. See how it feels?

Deb

"Deb" wrote in message
ups.com...
Does anyone have any advice to help me cope? I am staying busy and
trying to move on with my life, but I am having a hard time accepting
my son would rather live with his father than me. I keep wondering
where I went wrong as a mother. When I ask my son why he wants to live
with dad he says he thinks it will be more fun at dad's house and that
him leaving does not mean he doesn't love me. Little does he know my
heart is breaking into a million pieces.

Deb,

Go seek help from a counselor. The message you left in this news-group
tells me you are struggling with multiple issues. You should see this as if
you did something wrong as a mother. Try viewing this as if you did
something right. Your son had the courage to be direct with you. To you
your son lied, but perhaps to him he was trying to find a way of coping too.
A counselor would help you. The counselor may suggest family counseling
with your son to resolve the root issues as to why your son made the
decisions he did. Both combined may help you move through this process and
learn to cope.

In terms of your ex's move - go to court and try to prevent it. Your
attorney should be able to get a judgement preventing him from moving your
son out of state.

I wish you well,
Tracy

My wife should read this. She "pushes" negative things about me into
the our daughter's head (17). I'm pretty stressed about it. I've made a
mistake 3 years before (unfaith). Then I recognized it was wrong and
I've been sorry for mentioned 3 years. But my wife was in offence all
that time against me. And she allways reminded me my mistake before our
friends, before our daughter. Since she used to forbid me to go out,
I've lost almost all of my friends. Only the best remain. She told me
that she shall not forgive me. Never. I tried hard to have back "good
relations". I was just like stupido only in the sake of having get
better relations with my wife. Helpless. Now we face divorce...


Recognize you wrote a lot of negative things about your son's father in your
above post. A lot of children want to get away from hearing the negative
stuff about their other parent and a way to stop it is to make the move to
live with the other parent.